Support through break up

[QuesFrown]

I’m looking for support, a handhold, advice and a sounding board I guess. I have no one in real life. No family close by.

I exposed DPs affair 6 months ago. We talked, he was full of remorse. Wanted to stay. Lockdown so not much choice. He’s been on the floor in dcs room ever since. Said we’d take it slow.
Things have been ok. He’s a hard worker, supportive, practical.
But he’s back in touch with OW.
She’s same age, colleague, single, lives in a house share. No dcs.

I know, it can only mean one thing. It’s over.
But I’m struggling. Struggling to admit it. Struggling with the shame. Struggling for how it will affect our dcs (11&13). Worrying how I’ll cope. Financially, emotionally, practically. My dm has only a few months to live. I just don’t know how I’ll get through all this.

How do you tell dcs? How much do we say?

We have a joint mortgage. I put down a large deposit. 80k still to pay off.

I work full time, from home since March but find it difficult to switch off from it.

[sophmum31]

Hi, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I don’t have much advice but didn’t want to read and run. You will have to be strong, but you certainly do not have to worry about the shame. The shame isn’t yours x Just get through each day for your kids, focus on them and look after yourself.

Stay strong x if he was remorseful and full of regret yet still can’t keep away he’s obviously not going to stay faithful and you deserve better x

[QuesFrown]

I guess it’s the fact that he’s so unhappy with me he’s gone off with someone else. Makes me feel like a failure. Things haven’t been good for a while, I feel sorry that we didn’t do more to fix it. I don’t think I ever really got over my parents divorcing. And now my dcs will go through the same.

[AlreadyGone44]

Him having an affair of any kind is not your fault, not your failure. Its his failure. If he was that unhappy or wanted out he should have had the guts to tell you and to either try counselling or separate. Don't take on his bad behaviour. It's his fault and his alone.

Was your parents divorce acrimonious? If you can work out what about their divorce effected you so much maybe you can avoid the pitfalls they fell into. FWIW my parents divorced too. But my mum was a narcissist who eventually went NC after a few turbulent years. It damaged us, but it was more her behaviour, disappearing and going NC then just turning up, making promises, disappearinf again, so a rather extreme example of divorce. I think how you divorce can have a big impact on how much it effects the DC. Not always possible, but if you can communicate OK and both act polite in front of the DC keep any conflict from them, help them feel supported and get them counselling if needed then you can minimise how it effects them.

[QuesFrown]

Sorry to hear of your experience AlreadyGone.
I was always a daddy’s girl. DM was having an affair. Maybe DF too. I can still picture my DF driving away. At first me and dsis saw him fairly regularly but not for long. He moved in and married someone and she was nice but visits dwindled to a few hours on birthdays and Christmas.
DM moved her boyfriend in the night DF left.
They’re still together, but both very selfish.

My dcs will remain the most important people through this but I don’t think dp will go on to be a great single dad. He doesn’t ‘get‘ them now. Can’t remember who has which glass or mug, who eats what. But he loves them and they love him. We don’t argue, there’s no shouting. I have really bad anxiety and don’t sleep which makes things hard- I probably bottle up too much all day.

I worry how the dcs will handle the transition from us all here together, to seeing him and her together. Presumably that’ll be the plan. He’s not going to live on his own. They’ve spent a long time chasing each other.

[Aquamarine1029]

You are in no way a failure and the only shame to be had is his. I would be telling him to leave, immediately. Him living with you is just a farce, and I'm sure your children know it. He's made his choice and he needs to go.

[footprintsintheslow]

What a bastard, how do you know they are back in contact?

Are you able to access counselling for yourself? You will find strength to carry on because it just happens. Like you magically make more love to share out when you have another child.

You deserve better than this. You also deserve a really good solicitor so try and go on recommendations rather than picking a random one. Get in there first and whilst he's feeling guilty and offers to sign things over to you bite his hand off (via a solicitor). Also remember to take into account any savings and pensions. Transfer half of any savings now for safe keeping.

[QuesFrown]

I’m not sure where to start with accessing counselling. It would certainly help I’m sure.

We’re not married so I’m not sure pensions or assets or anything come into it. No savings really. Mine are in my account, his are in the joint account. His assets are all overseas.

We paid equally into house throughout, even though I worked only part time and earnt a lot less at times.

[footprintsintheslow]

So you definitely need quality legal advice ASAP before he gets any.

Just google counselling in your area and see what comes up. Speak to one or two on the phone to see if you click with any. Ask friends for recommendations you might be surprised who has used some.

[QuesFrown]

He won’t get legal advice. He’ll probably walk away with nothing. But OW will likely push him to take as much as he can.
Previously he was looking to sell a property abroad to pay off the mortgage, so it wouldn’t be a struggle for me on my own.

Part of me wonders if she’s on a last ditch effort for a family - 42/43 - he’s had the snip but not sure whether she’d know that. I’ve only known of her (as a colleague) a couple of years as she’s had at least 2 other boyfriends in that time.