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Abandoned with a baby

(31 Posts)
sarahh87 Sat 24-Oct-20 15:06:15

Earlier this year I gave birth to my first child with my partner of 14 years and could not have been happier. My birth was amazing and my partner could not have been more supportive but when my son was just 10 weeks old and after a rough couple of sleepless nights i felt the urge to ask him if everything was ok as he'd seemed a little 'off' for a couple of days and was met with the answer..Im not happy and can't do this anymore..

The days that followed are still a blur (5 months later ) but he basically told me he no longer loved me, loved me but was not in love with me ( that's what they all say ) and felt he needed space/to be single as we no longer had a connection ( seriously, we had just had a baby). He stayed for a couple of nights as I was in a bad way, physically sick, unable to eat, drink etc but then left and would only pop in occasionally to see our son.

He would get angry if I asked questions or cry/beg for answers and snap at me on the numerous occasions I asked if anyone else was involved and swear our son's life that he would never do such a thing - i was crazy for thinking it and had unresolved issues making me think that way. I begged for him to take a step back and think about the consequences of what he was doing - I was adamant he was having a breakdown and struggling with becoming a first time dad due to acting so out of character..cruel, cold and blunt so wanted to help him.
On occasion i would call to ask for help with our son - to watch him whilst i caught up on sleep, washing, pumping etc but my calls would would be ignored and when he did come over would act as though it was normal - him wanting out of the relationship at such a pivotal point in our lives should not be upsetting me as much as it was and if i voiced that he would tell me i was mad..at the time i believed it.

This continued for 2 months. I have never felt so low or worthless as I did during this time. I felt like a terrible mother as i could not stop the tears and knew i should be strong for my son but the complete devastation i was feeling took over, my milk dried up, i lost a lot of weight in a short space of time and had no energy or focus but i woke up each day ( at the time i did not want too ) and cared for my baby as best i could. Due to lockdown I had no family or friends to support me and the shame I felt stopped me from reaching out to them. During this time I would contact him everyday, begging, crying hysterically, screaming for him to support me and our son but he just did not care.

A few weeks later the beginning of the truth came out, it did not come from him but by me playing detective. To cut a long story short he was having a full blown affair with his employee which he denied but eventually admitted to. The web of lies unravelled over the following weeks. He should have respected me enough as his long term partner, mother of his child and as a human being to tell me the full truth but instead he continued to lie over and over again for weeks/months until eventually he confirmed the affair had been on-going throughout my entire pregnancy, birth and following the birth..he was leaving me for her as felt they had a connection and did not want to miss the chance to be happy as i made him soooo unhappy for such a long time. NOT ONCE did he mention being unhappy he acted as though having a child was the best thing in the world but when i look back it was only ever in front of other people.
I was in a state of shock, my best friend, rock, somebody i had known since a teen and had been so kind, caring and loving was telling me he was leaving for another woman as he felt we no longer had a connection - now, i'm a grown woman and understand relationships breakdown. All relationships take work especially long term, you become complacent and take each other for granted but what i will never understand is the fact he never voiced concerns, never. Call me old fashioned but if there is an issue you talk about it, attend therapy, you try your damned hardest and if it doesn't work out you go your separate ways - it's terrible and heartbreaking but you fought to make it work. In this case there was nothing...we made a human being and then he abandoned us because HE DID NOT WANT TO MISS THE CHANCE TO BE HAPPY he even said I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE and that he thinks he loves her...whilst leaving me and our child alone..i can laugh about it today.

The only time he showed remorse was the night i found out, he cried, begged for forgiveness etc but from the next day turned cold again and treated me like a stranger. Refused to talk to me about our relationship as i was apparently living in denial even though i made it clear i would never want him to come back but needed to understand how this happened.
I think I wanted him to want to come back. I wanted the option of making a decision - every decision i could have possibly made throughout this entire s&^t show was taken away from me.

The other woman
Many will say ‘ don't blame her, your partner had the loyalty towards you not her’ and believe me i blame him however, the OW knew he had a long term partner she had even met me a few times and also knew i was pregnant. She is also a mother to 3 children and therefore knows how it feels to carry a child to birth and then struggle during the newborn days so how can she be ok with her part in this?
I did contact her when I first found out about the affair. Don't get me wrong my messages were not nice but by no means as bad as i believe they could have been but her responses were just vile. Not that i would ever be the other woman but i try putting myself in her shoes and if i was contacted as the OW i would either not respond or apologise profusely but no..when i asked why and to just stop as i could not handle this ontop of being a new mum she refused, told me to grow up and stop living other people's lives ( yes seriously ) oh and that men can make their own choices.
I couldn't care less if they are Romeo and Juliet - have some goddamn respect and keep your pants on. If they genuinely felt this amazing connection then why not deal with it in the right way? again, it would be heartbreaking but in my mind I would have dealt with it better.
The sickest part is they were having unprotected sex..whilst he was with me and i was carrying our child..anything could have happened to my baby, vile !!!!

From the moment i knew the truth ( i'm sure there's a hell of alot i dont know and theres alot i have not put here as its already a very long post ) they have been out together as a couple in the area we live, the area we moved too and purchased a property whilst i was pregnant and he was having an affair..neither of them give two hoots about our son, me, friends, family. Who cares who sees them or if I just had a baby -i'm totally over reacting and just need to get on with it LOL.

Not once has he asked how I am or how I'm coping as a new mum completely alone. The man I spent so many years with has vanished and couldn't care less about my welfare or how his actions have impacted his son and I. He lives with his girlfriend, works with her and we only talk in regards to the one day a week he sees our son. I refuse to let him see me upset now, when we do see each other i am polite as he doesnt deserve my tears - unlike me no longer knowing him, he knows me and is well aware how deeply traumatised i am but still doesnt care as it make his new life difficult if he was to actually talk to me.

My son is now a few months old and although i have some form of routine i'm not going to lie and say it's easy. It is hard!!! I am a single mum looking after a baby alone, my parents passed years ago and whilst friends have been amazing they have their own lives and cannot be on hand 24/7 nor do i want to constantly bring them down with my woes.
I've asked him for help on numerous occasions, making it clear i will not talk about us or what happened i just need help sometimes so that i can get things done or help with bath and bedtime ( tired babies at bedtime are hard work ) but im told its not realistic and that he will not help me at our house - i am well aware this is because it would impact his new relationship.

I had a baby with my best friend, someone i thought i knew inside out and would be the best father in the world but he turned out to be a morally corrupt, deceitful pig who if i actually knew would never dream of having a child with - when he sees our son i am literally handing him over to a stranger and it kills me every time. My son deserves a relationship with his dad, no matter what has been done to me I know i cannot use that against him but the injustice of it all cuts me deep.
All of the amazing memories we should have shared as a family are never going to be and i am trying my hardest to make memories of my own but feel my pregnancy, birth and his early months are tainted - im on auto pilot in an attempt to get through the day..bottles, weaning, bath, bed, night feeds, washing, taking care of a house...this is not how it was supposed to be..why should i put my baby to bed and then spend the night crying googling anything and everything that could remotely relate to my story in an attempt to find some kind of closure i know will never come.

Why am I being treated like a stranger by someone I loved with all of my heart, who I remained loyal for so many years and shared life's ups and downs with.I have so many questions of which will forever go unanswered...

How can you walk away from your own child?
Why did you not tell me the truth?
Do you think about us and how different things could have been?
Do you miss me?
How can you be with another woman, live, sleep, eat with her knowing your family are at home struggling to get through the day?
How can you act like our relationship never existed after so many years together ?
How could you have an affair knowing our child was growing inside of me?
Why am I treated like I've done something wrong?
Why did you not just talk to me as soon as you started to have doubts?
How could you sleep with another woman knowing how much it would kill me, knowing every time the devastation it would cause yet continuing without a second thought?
How can you sleep at night?
How are you able to completely switch off any feelings you had, even if you genuinely did not love me anymore and could not see a future? I could never treat another person the way you have/are treating me.
If you left me and did not have a girlfriend would you still not be supporting me with our son or do you refuse because it causes issues in your relationship ?
Have you lost your mind !!!?
Are you having a midlife crisis?

I am so lucky to have a beautiful happy baby, he is amazing and brings me so much joy. I try my hardest every day to put my feelings aside and to spend as much quality time with him as i possibly can but sometimes feel like i'm drowning and nobody can hear me screaming for help. Is 5 months a long time to be feeling this way ? I am soooo much better than the first couple of months so it's definitely going in the right direction but the trauma of it is so overpowering and i still think about it 24/7 or re-live the happy moments we shared, the ones he seems to have erased. How dare he erase what we had to justify his disgusting actions.

Please karma be real…..

OP’s posts: |
cptartapp Sat 24-Oct-20 15:15:22

I hope he's paying for this child. If not, get onto it asap.

workhomesleeprepeat Sat 24-Oct-20 15:24:18

He’s grim OP. As above hope you are receiving maintenance from him.

You mention not telling anyone what has happened in your OP. Apologies if I missed anything further on that, but I really think you should tell everyone. Tell all your friends, your family, tell his parents - the shame here is not yours, he’s the one who walked out on his partner and a newborn.

Wishing you are your LO all the best for the future flowers

Nymeriastark1 Sat 24-Oct-20 15:24:24

I doubt it will last. He can't even handle 1 child that's his never mind 3 that aren't. They wanted the chance to be 'happy', which means she probably expects him to move in at some point and help parent with her children. He'll soon get sick of the arrangement when he's paying for your child, and more than likely expected to contribute financially to the OW and her 3 children. Try and concentrate on yourself and your baby. You'll cope. The only one who will end up with a not so happy ending is him.

sarahh87 Sat 24-Oct-20 15:29:03

I should have added...at first I didn't tell anyone but have made sure everyone knows. I have nothing to hide and he is the one who should be ashamed. He is currently paying towards the house although I'm not sure for how long.
I am seeking legal advice.

OP’s posts: |
Ramblingwords Sat 24-Oct-20 15:33:33

I really wish we could sue men for some sort of breach of promise in these circumstances.

It’s quite clear from your OP that he set you up to believe you were going to raise this child together, despite knowing that this wasn’t going to happen. It’s such hard work isn’t it...and such a different deal than you signed up for. It feels like some sort of compensation should be legally available.

I get that you can’t really legislate for every twist and turn that human relationships take...but such sustained lying and misdirection...with such massive consequences for your life...it feels very wrong.

I think all you can do now is to love your best life on your own terms as much as possible.

giantangryrooster Sat 24-Oct-20 15:55:33

I'm so sorry OP thanks. He truly is a piece of shit. When he gets fed up of ow's dc/family life, please promise yourself not to take him back. He is so not trustworthy.

It's a very mature stance to let him have a relationship with your ds, though he doesn't sound invested. Not sure I would be able.

Is all your support where you currently live? Otherwise a move and a clean break, starting a new life might be best for you.

Best wishes for you and your baby.

Sassypants82 Sat 24-Oct-20 16:34:58

Wow. What an utter fucking stone cold bastard.

You sound amazing - your son is lucky to have you. They say the best revenge is a life well lived - make yours count!

Calmate Sat 24-Oct-20 18:51:14

OP, what* Sassypants82* said. He has a very cruel streak, and I think before long he will become sick of his OW and the 3 children who are not his, and have regrets for the family he has abandoned. I know what you mean about handing your baby over to a stranger. You think you know someone until they show their true colours like this. Well done for seeking legal advice, and please contact Gingerbread, they will provide advice and support. Sending hugs to you and your baby son flowers

Stillfunny Sun 25-Oct-20 05:41:33

So sorry that you are going through this as well as new baby .
I too , asked myself the exact same questions. The reason they don't behave decently is because they are immoral and uncaring cheaters. And cowards. Probably thought he could have it both ways and may have just been waiting until baby was born. Which is ironic as that is when you need him most.
It is terrible that you are dealing with this alone. Can you get any support from anywhere? Reach out to anyone you can. Most people would try to help.

The both of them sound like a nasty pair. But can't imagine that he is going to be enjoying being stepdad to 3 kids. Poor kids to have to live with those two.
You must know that you are better off without him. But it takes a while for your emotions to catch up with that logic. It truly does get easier but it us hard to go through it. Be kind to yourself .
You and your baby deserve so much more. Your baby is lucky to have you. I hope you appreciate how strong you are .

edgeware Sun 25-Oct-20 05:52:09

You will get through this. He is an unmitigated piece of shit. It hurts right now, and that is normal. It will pass. Someone once said to me that some people are their own punishment, and that’s how you should view this. Cuddle your baby - he only needs you.

smeerf Sun 25-Oct-20 05:52:10

OP I'm sorry, that sounds like a complete nightmare. Can you afford some therapy sessions? It sounds like you have a lot to say and having someone to talk to might help the rage/despair.

A friend of mine is a single mum and she went to a single mums meetup type thing in our local area when she was on mat leave. All of the women were in different circumstances but they were all bringing up their very young babies alone and were amazing emotional support for each other. Perhaps there's something like that where you are?

mostlydrinkstea Sun 25-Oct-20 06:09:42

You will get through this and the idea of a single mums group is a really good one. Maybe your health visitor or GP know of one. You need other people who get it. Unfortunately the behaviour your partner is exhibiting is not rare. He even used the classic 'I can't do this anymore.' Mine left after 29 years with the same words and completely out of the blue. Check out Vicki Stark and 'Runaway Husbands.'

He has bailed because he is a coward, is of shockingly weak character and hard as it will be to grasp, is nothing to do with who you are. He will blame you for everything because that is the sort of person he is but don't believe it. You are going through grief for the life you had and the life you thought you would have together. It is hideous as you have all the new mum stuff to deal with as well. If you were a widow people would be full of support but society condones this behaviour as we are supposed to have a right to be happy and it is ok if other people get burnt in that quest.

AlwaysCheddar Sun 25-Oct-20 06:13:56

You’ll never get answers to your questions. Find some groups to go to and keep your head held high. You can do this! You did nothing wrong.

Emmmie Sun 25-Oct-20 06:16:34

I am so sorry OP. You and your child deserve better. Your ex partner's relationship/affair is not going to last. He will come back begging and pleading for you to take him back.

Allusernamesalreadyused Sun 25-Oct-20 06:21:56

You are doing a great job. Well done and give yourself credit for being able to get up every day and mind your baby. That's what's important. He's an absolute prick but I have no doubt that one day he will regret his actions. Put your head up high and move on with your beautiful babyflowers

pumpkinpie01 Sun 25-Oct-20 07:32:48

Your post was so sad to read and what an absolute shit he is, the ow is vile and heartless. You are doing an amazing job with your little boy . His relationship won't last he won't want to play dad to 3 kids when he can barely be bothered with his own. But when his relationship falls apart you will have moved on so much and will be so strong you can just give a little smile to yourself as you will just not care. Please look after yourself and reach out to friends and of course on here.

FlatScreenTV01 Sun 25-Oct-20 07:33:22

This will NOT last. You will take him back. He Will cheat again.

AnxMummy10 Sun 25-Oct-20 07:46:35

Wow how cruel. People like these exist and are the lowest form of beings. You had a lifetime with him and he treats you and his child like this? Disgrace to abandon his own child and take on 3 others like a hero. I feel for you op.
Are you getting any professional help or counseling? This is trauma.
Please get stronger in the meantime, this piece of scum will be back. Wishing you the best.

sarahh87 Sun 25-Oct-20 13:43:49

Thank you all for taking the time to comment - it is appreciated.
I am not currently receiving professional help/counselling however feel it is time to start.

So sorry to hear your husband left in the same cruel way @mostlydrinkstea what is wrong with these men ! ( and women of course ). I've actually purchased the book and began reading a few nights ago which is when i decided to write a post.

FlatScreenTV01 He could attempt to come back and offer me a million £ - never going to happen. I know my worth and whilst i admit to struggling and wanting answers there is no doubt in my mind the answer would always be NEVER. He was lucky to have me in his life for as long as he did and although i am scared of whats to come and of course a part of me longs for what we had i have to face the truth which is it was not real. I will continue to respect myself and my DS by doing whats best for us.

OP’s posts: |
Pessismistic Sun 25-Oct-20 13:57:29

So sorry you went through this but hopefully you will get over him and eventuality meet someone decent who deserves you. I really wish women had more respect for other women there would be less affairs if they did but i hope he will do it to her or her to him and he will know how you felt. good luck take any help you can and start thinking of yourself tell him he needs to have him overnight if you can cope with that so you can rest dontlet him get out of his responsibility. X

OhamIreally Sun 25-Oct-20 14:07:51

Ramblingwords

I really wish we could sue men for some sort of breach of promise in these circumstances.

It’s quite clear from your OP that he set you up to believe you were going to raise this child together, despite knowing that this wasn’t going to happen. It’s such hard work isn’t it...and such a different deal than you signed up for. It feels like some sort of compensation should be legally available.

I get that you can’t really legislate for every twist and turn that human relationships take...but such sustained lying and misdirection...with such massive consequences for your life...it feels very wrong.

I think all you can do now is to love your best life on your own terms as much as possible.


Wow yes you are right we should. I like the OP was abandoned out of the blue and it has a massive impact on your life bringing up a child alone. It simply doesn't seem possible that one parent can simply impose that on the other. It's truly shocking.
OP I'm so sorry for the trauma you have been through and hope in time your life improves. I'm sure you'll develop a really close bond with your son. Try to keep contact with your ex to a minimum and don't brood over it - trust me it doesn't help. Keep the radio on if you can and redirect your thoughts where possible. thanks

OhamIreally Sun 25-Oct-20 14:09:04

Sorry that should read "I, like the OP"

sarahh87 Sun 25-Oct-20 19:46:34

Thank you @pumpkinpie01 . From what i hear the children do not live with her full time but stay with her a couple of nights a week. I do not know all the details so will keep my opinion on that to myself but know without a doubt my DS would never be with me for just a couple of nights.

OP’s posts: |
sarahh87 Sun 25-Oct-20 20:11:44

Ramblingwords

I really wish we could sue men for some sort of breach of promise in these circumstances.

It’s quite clear from your OP that he set you up to believe you were going to raise this child together, despite knowing that this wasn’t going to happen. It’s such hard work isn’t it...and such a different deal than you signed up for. It feels like some sort of compensation should be legally available.

I get that you can’t really legislate for every twist and turn that human relationships take...but such sustained lying and misdirection...with such massive consequences for your life...it feels very wrong.

I think all you can do now is to love your best life on your own terms as much as possible.

@Ramblingwords I could not agree more!
He was always so wonderful with children of friends/family etc and would speak of all the things we would do as a family once the baby arrived whilst having an affair and planning to leave us...it beggars belief.

OP’s posts: |

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