Anyone ever been dreadfully unhappy but it has got better...

(18 Posts)
Findmeonetsy Fri 23-Oct-20 16:12:20

...and you are now glad you didn’t leave??

This niggling voice telling me how unhappy I am is getting louder. I can’t leave, financially and emotional I couldn’t cope with it right now. So please don’t tell me to. I just need some hope flowers

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feministfemme Fri 23-Oct-20 16:16:57

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. This relationship may not get better. You will do what you need to do in order to survive, but maybe try and assess where your breaking point is (e.g. if we're not on the path to getting better within 6 months I'll bring up divorce / breakup). I'm not sure what causes your financial struggles, but if there's any chance of getting a job or angling for a promotion, maybe give it a go so you have more freedom to leave if you need to.

Good luck OP x

Findmeonetsy Fri 23-Oct-20 16:27:38

Thank you for replying @feministfemme.
I only work part time and have rubbish credit. I am trying to apply for a better paid job but may consider going full time in my current job. I feel like I have already given it 2 years sad this feeling of sadness and nothing to look forward to is becoming consuming. Lockdown hasn’t helped but I just feel all the joy has gone and I am going through the motions every day.
I don’t feel like I can speak to anyone about it IRL so nice to be able to vent on here

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feministfemme Fri 23-Oct-20 16:32:26

If you need to vent, I'm here to listen.

If you don't mind me asking, what are the main problems in your relationship? Or alternatively, what is making you feel this way? If you're feeling overall shitty about life in general, you might want to consider the possibility of depression (in which case I'd speak to a GP as soon as you can, or alternatively pay for a remote counselling service for right now).

I'm sorry you're feeling bad though, must be tough. You have my sympathy xxx

LibisLib Fri 23-Oct-20 16:33:59


Sorry to hear you are feeling like that. I can relate to that feeling. I think there is hope. There can be all sorts of circumstances that impact on a relationship and all sorts of ways to make things better.

What do you think is making you unhappy?

Findmeonetsy Fri 23-Oct-20 17:01:27

Thanks both. I am being treated for depression at the moment and have had some private counselling which I will hopefully resume again next month. For a long time I have been unsure if it is the relationship making me feel depressed, or my depression that is affecting how I feel about dp.
But I think ultimately we are very different. He is a good man and a great dad. He is very ‘sensible’ whereas I want to be impulsive, go out, enjoy life...
We have had many discussions about this. I cried on my 30th birthday, told him I was unhappy and that I didn’t want to spend my 30s that way. Things change for a short while then go back to how they were. And as I said the shot show of this year hasn’t helped at all.
How much more time do I give to this? I hate the thought of breaking up the family, he dotes on our dd. But then, she has had a very sad mummy this year

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feministfemme Fri 23-Oct-20 17:16:25

So - imparting some honest advice...

I'm married to someone who I love, he's one of the best blokes I know and he'll be a fab dad to our future kids. However, when I'm struggling with my depression I often think that life is unrelenting boredom, that I need to escape and be with my "real people" or experience some kind of adolescent freedom again. I think that because I'm unhappy in this second I must have been unhappy for the past x amount of years we've been together.

I'm not necessarily saying this your case, but I do think it's important to note that if you can see all of his good qualities it may be the chemical imbalance that is causing some of these issues (no blame to you of course, I know how challenging it can be). E.g. do you actually dislike him as a person, or are you a bit bored / worn out? One of those things is fixable with the right assistance, and one of those things is kind of the kiss of death and it might help to figure out which one you are.

How much time do you want to give this? How much time can you? I don't know the answers, but I'm hoping this is helping in any way. I just know that my depression causes me to feel like everything's futile and bleak, which probably doesn't make me personally an easy partner to be around (though again, just speaking from personal circumstance). xxx


NotaCoolMum Fri 23-Oct-20 17:49:37

Things only got better once I listened to that niggling voice....

slidingdrawers Fri 23-Oct-20 17:57:27

Have you been together a while? It sounds like you possibly settled down quite young and are having regrets/feeling trapped?

SummerHeatwave Fri 23-Oct-20 18:10:29

Yes. Marriage counselling helped us hugely. Wish we'd done it years ago.

LibisLib Fri 23-Oct-20 18:18:56

Just reading your update @Findmeonetsy

and you could be me. I’m feeling very similar at the moment and can’t work out if my relationship is suffering as a result of other things affecting how I feel or if the relationship itself is causing some of it. My partners a lovely guy and we complement each other but I’m bored a lot and feel a bit like I’ve lost touch with who I really am. Just off to walk dog, will read your update properly once I’m back..!

Findmeonetsy Fri 23-Oct-20 20:07:35

Sorry was just putting dp to bed.

@feministfemme thank you so much for or your insight, it has given me food for thought. In answer to your question...I don’t have an answer. I don’t even know how I feel about him.

To answer others, we have been together nearly 5 years. We’re not married. I think there is definitely an element of settling too early. I definitely think I should have worked on myself beforehand. We have spoken about joint counselling in the past so maybe this is something to consider again. Good to hear your positive story @SummerHeatwave. I often feel like I put so much effort in and h does minimal. His comeback is that he does loads with our dd..and doesn’t seem to get that this is him being a dad, not a partner. Ooh we have had that discussion so many times... so for counselling to work he really needs to put the work in.

I am also aware that the grass isn’t always greener. Thanks @LibisLib interested to hear your take if you have felt the same

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Findmeonetsy Fri 23-Oct-20 20:11:36

Dd to bed not dp grinblush

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anonnnnni Fri 23-Oct-20 21:18:18

Hi op.

Just my tuppence worth, but I think I know where you’ve been.

Last year I was in a relationship with a man where I felt a niggling and later crushing feeling of depression. Some was definitely circumstantial (long commute, living far from friends) but ultimately I knew there was something a little bit off about the relationship. He convinced me, quite successfully, that it was the depression that was clouding my judgement and that I was better taking medications. I did and my mood did improve. However, my dissatisfaction with various aspects of our life together didn’t go away. Spoiler: I am no longer on medication for depression, I’m enjoying my life and I’m no longer with him.

When the relationship crumbled, I turned my attention to what was good for me- financially, job wise, health wise etc. The mental shift has been amazing. I’m not trying to force myself to be happy with a partner I was incompatible with and in turn, my well-being has improved.

I’m not saying this will be true for you, OP. But I think it pays to listen to the niggling voice, hear it out and see what it’s telling you to do.

Findmeonetsy Sat 24-Oct-20 19:49:50

Thank you @anonnnnni unfortunately I do think this is the case with me too. No amount of antidepressants or counselling is going to make me happy in this relationship. I felt like a switch and been flipped this morning and like my mind is made up. At least whatever happens I do know I did everything I possibly could.
Last week was a bit of a clincher for me. We had a couple of nights away in a lovely cottage for dds birthday. I felt this was really an opportunity for us to have some quality time together. When we got there..? He was more interested in being sat in his phone and trying to get the TV to work whilst me and dd did some baking. It’s things like this that bring me down constantly

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anonnnnni Sat 24-Oct-20 20:44:21

@Findmeonetsy I think you’re really brave to admit things aren’t right and you mustn’t let circumstantial factors (you mention working part time etc) stand in the way of pursuing what’s right for you. Those things can and will change but you only have one shot at life.

I think our bodies have various ways of telling us when all is not well in our surroundings/who we spend time with. I know lockdown can’t help this but I think it does serve to magnify what’s already simmering away in the background during normal times. By honouring your feelings you’ll be setting a great example for your dd of being a happy mummy with a (potentially) more equal partner.

Findmeonetsy Mon 26-Oct-20 18:14:59

Thank you @anonnnnni, I don’t feel brave.
We had a chat last night , I laid my cards on the table and told him what was making me so sad. He barely said anything...didn’t say he would try harder. Just said ‘we feel the same way’. So I guess this really is the end of the road 😢
Shorty end to a shitty year

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Findmeonetsy Mon 26-Oct-20 18:16:26


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