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My fiancé arranged a hook up

(52 Posts)
Kirsty2101 Fri 23-Oct-20 11:33:59

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. We have a beautiful baby together and until yesterday I thought we had it pretty good. He is the love of my life and I can’t imagine being without him. So yesterday I received a message from a girl on Facebook. She basically sent me screenshots of a conversation she’d been having with my fella over 2-3 days. I won’t get into the sordid details but it basically consisted of sexual comments, explicit pictures and he’d sent her a video of himself masturbating. The worst thing is he’d arranged for her to go to his work at his dinner break, told her the exact address, the car park where his car is and arranged to have sex there. He gave her his number and asked her if she had any drugs on her. He knows I’m massively anti drugs, he told her he does coke and weed at work regularly. I feel like my life has been torn apart. He swore he’d never cheat on me. When I confronted him he claimed he knew it was a joke, knew she wouldn’t turn up and was just playing along.sid he doesn’t do drugs he was just saying it as she did. He turned it on me and said I shouldn’t believe a stranger over him. She then told him she’d found my profile on Facebook and knew he wasn’t single. He denied it then eventually begged her not to tell me, he’d do anything. I asked to look at his phone if he’s nothing to hide, he refused and said I should trust his word. He left then. Not a sorry, nothing. I’m completely devastated and don’t know what to do. I never thought he’d do anything like this

OP’s posts: |
Hiccupiscal Fri 23-Oct-20 11:40:53

Run. Run hard, run fast.

You've just found out, and not a moment too soon, who this man really is, and what your future really looked like.

This wasn't a mistake. You can't mistakenly send videos of you wanking. You can mistakenly write explicit texts, you dont arrange a meet up without meaning to, on this context.

Hes a druggie, a liar and a cheat.

The woman just saved you from a terrible future.

Grieve, if you must, the man you THOUGHT you knew. Let the shock subside, and hammer it home in your head who he REALLY is, and who he really is, is the person you've wrote about doing all these things.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this, and it won't feel like it now, but thank god you are seeing it for what it really is now - not when your married to this scum with DC.

Block. Delete, and never ever look back.

Scrunchy95 Fri 23-Oct-20 11:41:43

I'm so sorry, I hope you are okay. You have discovered a truth that he is not willing to admit to. Whether you decide to stay together or not the only way forward is for him to admit it. You will never know what is real going forward if you stay with him without him coming clean. I hope you can figure the best way forward, having a child together means you are parents together for life, so you need to have open and honest lines of communication.

Hiccupiscal Fri 23-Oct-20 11:43:30

Oh im sorry! I missed the part where you said you had a baby, im so sorry for you and your baby,
But please, do not allow him back!!!!
Especially now you know he takes drugs and has managed to hide the habit.
Hes a danger to your child, even more so because the fact he can conceal his use!

AllsortsofAwkward Fri 23-Oct-20 11:48:13

The evidence is written infront of you, shes likely not the first nor will she be the last. What you do with this information is up to you either stay and take it not knowing what he's doing or leave and carve out a new future with youre child and meet someone who shows you respect and love you deserve.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 23-Oct-20 11:48:43

Kick him out and keep him out. He's a lying cheat and always will be.

Bunnymumy Fri 23-Oct-20 11:49:29

Holy shit. What a horror.

Agree with pp. Run for the hills.
All else aside...imagine sending someone a video of himself masterbating. How grim.

But yeah, he cheated, he lied, he does drugs and when caught, he attempted to turn it round on you and make you the bad guy (for not trusting him none the less haha! What a brass kneck he has! The gaslighting shitbag). Pretty much as rotten as you can get in a person tbh.

Bet she wasn't the first either.

Get yourself and away from him asap and never look back.

Okayokayok Fri 23-Oct-20 11:49:56

Run for the hills! And I would advise you get checked for stds etc with a doctor as she may not have been the first girl he tried this with. I'm so sorry flowers stay strong this man won't change.

RoseTintedAtuin Fri 23-Oct-20 12:27:12

His defensive reaction screams a man who has been caught out, he fought (telling you you should believe him and it was all a joke ) and then he ran. I’m really sorry but the messages he sent are likely to be the truth. The person he is with you may be who he wishes he was but unfortunately it’s not real. Until he can be honest with you, you won’t know who he is and even then, it’s likely the relationship with him as it stands will not survive but him being honest is really important to not having a toxic relationship as he is the father to your child.

category12 Fri 23-Oct-20 12:29:58

Wow. I wouldn't waste more of your life on him.

AgentJohnson Fri 23-Oct-20 12:36:30

This is the real him l, he just did a very good job of hiding it.

user1481840227 Fri 23-Oct-20 12:44:39

Of course it's not a joke, who's laughing exactly?
He's a bastard. He's been caught out. You have definite proof and he's trying to convince you that you can't believe real evidence that has been presented you. He also said you should believe his word over hard evidence in front of you.
This man doesn't care how much he fucks with your head.
I hope you end this 'relationship' as he doesn't deserve you and you will never be able to trust him again.

toomanyplants Fri 23-Oct-20 12:56:21

My god this is awful.
My heart truly goes out to you.
This wasn't a joke, or a wind up, or an accident. This was him, and you know now what he is and how re regards you in his life.
You're better than this, you're better than him.
Summon every bit of strength you've got, pack his bags and get this loser away from you. What a rat.

RLEOM Fri 23-Oct-20 13:00:11

Did she send you screenshots of him begging her not to tell you? If not, ask for them. That'll be 100% proof that this wasn't a "joke."

justilou1 Fri 23-Oct-20 13:06:26

I assume he’s your ex-fiancée right now

SandyY2K Fri 23-Oct-20 13:23:20

Thank God you found out before marrying him. He's been caught out and yet still denies it! H3 must think you're a complete fool to believe him.

He's guilty as they come and what's worse, is this probably isn't the first time.

It was all too easy...but even if it was his first attempt to cheat.. it's crystal clear what he was up to and do not let him insult your intelligence with his gaslighting.

Mangofandangoo Fri 23-Oct-20 13:48:26

Sorry OP this is awful thanks

Get a sti test yourself and don't fall for his bullshit when he tries to manipulate you into forgiving him

user1481840227 Fri 23-Oct-20 13:52:53


Did she send you screenshots of him begging her not to tell you? If not, ask for them. That'll be 100% proof that this wasn't a "joke."

She doesn't need more proof!
How could it possibly have been a 'joke'?

mummyof4kids Fri 23-Oct-20 13:57:11

Oh the old was just a joke I was gonna going to do anything.
An innocent man wouldn't be sending messages like that to another woman in the first place, the fact he refused to hand over his phone says it all.
He's a druggie, liar and a cheat and I can tell you from experience that they never change.
Chuck his stuff on the doorstep, lock your door and ignore him if he knocks.
You and your baby deserve so much more, it's hard when you love someone and have a child with them but you need to put you and your baby first and get rid of him.

frozendaisy Fri 23-Oct-20 13:58:16

You don't accidentally send a wank-video as a joke.

You don't do you.

Thank god you're not married.

Does drugs at work and drives home?

You don't hand over your car's details and precise location as a joke, do you?

Even if he won't back down from "it's all a joke" line, you can always say "I don't want to be with a 'man' who does this as just a joke" then he can't sweet talk his behaviour because you are using his explanation as a valid excuse.

TheDowagerDuchessofMwwwahaha Fri 23-Oct-20 13:59:38

I agree with all PPs. Get rid.

It must be a horrible shock, but there’s absolutely no going back from this. He’s shown his true colours and they aren’t pretty. A cheating, lying druggie.

Thank goodness you found out before you married him and before your child was old enough to be exposed to more of his behaviour.

FluffyPersian Fri 23-Oct-20 14:01:06

You do know what to do, you just don't want to do it as it hurts so much.

This is who he is - this is the man who you were going to spend the rest of your life with.

Of course he's trying to turn it on you - Look up 'DARVO' - Deny, Attack, Reverse

DENY - He swore he’d never cheat on me.

ATTACK & REVERSE - He turned it on me and said I shouldn’t believe a stranger over him

When someone does something - look at their actions, really look at them - this is genuinely who he is. There is no 'back story', there are no extenuating circumstances, there is no reason he would be trying to sleep with another woman other than the fact that he wants to.

I completely sympathise - My friend had a Husband who was looking up 'Horny sluts to fuck in <insert where we live>' and Googling local Escorts as well as messaging them to meet. When she confronted him, he said 'I think I have low testosterone, I was just looking at their pages and messaging them to see if I 'responded' to them".... Would you believe that? Honestly? She tried.... and guess what? He continued doing things like that and she couldn't trust him... cam sex.... all kinds of stuff, then he blamed it on her as she didn't want to have sex with him.

You have an opportunity to be happy in life - Take it and don't marry him.

rebecca102 Fri 23-Oct-20 14:03:12

Change the locks. Seriously.

VettiyaIruken Fri 23-Oct-20 14:07:00

Luckily you found him out before you married him!

He's full of shit and he has no loyalty to you.

It would be a huge mistake to marry someone who treats you with contempt.

SadSack39 Fri 23-Oct-20 14:09:29

I hope ur strong enough to not look back, he will soon come with the excuses but its surelt not the first or last.. hes a dirty dirty dog, sorry for you.. stay strong

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