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Are these things said by my DM malicious or am I too sensitive?

(46 Posts)
changednameee Thu 22-Oct-20 21:31:12

My DM drops these little comments into conversations and I find them hurtful but brush them off that I am just overly sensitive. In the last two weeks these are things she has said:

- Told me she feels like she failed as a mother because I'm single and she thinks I will never get married

- I finished university in the summer and have struggling to get a graduate job in the midst of the coronavirus, she told me I will have to go back to university and retrain in a different field (I have a reputable degree, it's just hard for all graduates at the moment)

- When I went to meet friends I hadn't seen since before university she told me they wouldn't recognise me because I had gained so much weight at university and look "really different" (I did gain a little at university but nothing drastic), she says this every single time I see anyone I haven't seen in a while.

- When I had to contact a colleague from a year ago, she told me he has probably forgotten who I am and wouldn't know who was messaging him. Same thing when I catch up with friends I haven't seen/spoken to in a while, they will have forgotten me and won't know who I am.

- Tells me that I am getting old even though I'm only 23, I turn 24 soon and she keeps saying how that is SO OLD.

She is supposed to be the "nice" parent out of my parents and yet it feels like every conversation my heart drops from something she says. I feel individually these are not that bad so I am not sure if I am over-reacting?

OP’s posts: |
Lougle Thu 22-Oct-20 21:34:42

It sounds like she has really bad self-esteem and feels insignificant, so is projecting that onto you.

It also sounds like you'll need to get your boost from other sources flowers

Suzi888 Thu 22-Oct-20 21:37:17

Well she’s certainly not pleasant is she... I hope you manage to brush these comments off. I know she’s your mum and you probably love her but confused she’s very hurtful!

category12 Thu 22-Oct-20 21:37:18

No, not over-sensitive - it sounds like she constantly cuts you down.

Perhaps you'd do better limiting contact and when you are in contact, being vague and not giving her any ammunition. Turn conversations back to her/other people and don't share anything much about your life with her.

You may also like to go for counselling to help you build up your self-esteem due to having crappy parents.

TheMandalorian Thu 22-Oct-20 21:42:24

No they are not pleasant or even truthful comments. Why would she want you to be married at 23? I would back away from her and avoid telling her much about your life choices. I would also consider challenging her statements, or just repeating them back to her.
She's clearly projecting some of her own issues onto you.
flowers

Indoorcamping Thu 22-Oct-20 22:18:01

Bloody hell, if she's the nice parent what on earth is your dad like?

It's not you OP. Your mums a twat. I'd suggest counselling when you can to avoid becoming her/marrying a version of her.

PurpleTrilby Thu 22-Oct-20 22:47:44

Yeah she's a twat. Those are really shitty things to say to you. Sounds like she does not see you as a separate person in your own right, only an extension of her. I had that with my mother. She was a narcissistic nightmare. Best thing that ever happened was never seeing or hearing from her again. Trust me, it saved my sanity. Strike out on your own now, at least, it's the best time at 23 or so. Best of luck.

Coffeeoverload Thu 22-Oct-20 22:52:45

flowers for you OP
As others have said, this is really an issue about your mum’s insecurities, not about you. It’s so tough. I had a tricky mum too and it’s not easy but you will need to deflect a bit and consciously boost your own self esteem in the face of these comments. It’s NOT about you. You’re doing really well, I’m sure xx

AfterSchoolWorry Thu 22-Oct-20 23:44:14

Nasty.

JamieLeeCurtains Thu 22-Oct-20 23:49:08

Do you live with her / them, or live separately?

Redruby25 Thu 22-Oct-20 23:59:20

No not very nice things to say, I've heard it all, and a lot worse. My DF is very abusive.
I think as someone else said, get your boost elsewhere and if you can, have less contact.
There are reasons why we put up with crap from certain people around us, and what seems to get in the way of us doing the right thing, which is getting rid, I am at that point now. But got caught up in the vicious circle, and feel bad/guilty, but they don't care about what they are doing to me and my poor DS

ml656 Fri 23-Oct-20 00:12:08

I have a 22 year old son who is on his last year of uni, single and has had similar situations to you and I wouldn't dream of saying any of these things to him! And I have low self esteem so that isn't an excuse. In fact my low self esteem makes me want better for him. Talk to her, tell her she's being hurtful, and if she doesn't listen ignore, ignore, ignore. Look elsewhere for support and validation and it isn't you, it really isn't. This is all about her.

EarthSight Fri 23-Oct-20 00:12:45

Some people don't have a filter. They have no tact and are thoughtless as to the effect of their words on others - some things should not be said out loud. The inability to restrain one's self is often the trait of quite emotionally childlike people who are quite self indulgent. They gave not developed the maturity to handle delicate situations and blurt things out or whatever's on their minds. You probably have that maturity, but she probably doesn't, despite being much older than you. She should, as she's your mother but that would involve introspection and an admitting that her behaviour needs adjusting, both of which will not come naturally to her, especially the analysis of her own behaviour.

Tells me that I am getting old even though I'm only 23, I turn 24 soon and she keeps saying how that is SO OLD

This is madness. Was she trying to wind you up here? Have you made such comments yourself that hinted at this and she's pushing your buttons? There are quite a few sharp answers you could respond that would probably lead to an argument. I think what you're seeing here is your mum's serious lack of maturity. She is low enough to make that kind of comment. I wonder if she's jealous or envious of you.

NiceGerbil Fri 23-Oct-20 00:23:10

She's putting the boot in. No doubt about it.

OldWomanSaysThis Fri 23-Oct-20 00:40:31

There is an entire genre of books about Mothers being awful to their daughters including Mothers making these little ongoing put-downs.

The less time you can spend around her the better.

OldWomanSaysThis Fri 23-Oct-20 00:41:51

Oh, and whatever you do, don't get involved with a man who does the same thing just because it feels normal to you. It's not.

newnameforthis123 Fri 23-Oct-20 00:44:39

She's a bully. She's being horrible to you and you aren't overreacting at all, don't let her or anything else make you think that you are.

PandemicAtTheDisco Fri 23-Oct-20 00:53:33

What a horrible woman.

Does she have a degree? Does she not have friends?

It sounds like you are feeling proud of your achievements and she's trying to bring you down. Nasty.

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou Fri 23-Oct-20 00:55:28

Please please don’t put up with this kind of negative behaviour just because she’s your mum. It’s absolutely unnecessary for anyone to speak to anyone like that. Would you ever say any of those things to someone you cared about? She sounds like a deeply unhappy woman. In my opinion happy people pull people up, so I imagine that she is trying pull you down. You mention that she’s the “nice” parent, so now I’m wondering if your dad has been quite negative towards her too, and it’s caused her to pick on someone who she perceives to be weaker than her. Take a break away from her. If she every makes any of these comments to you again, be brave, look her straight in the eyes and repeat what she has said back to her. Ask if you have understood correctly what she was saying and then, without any emotion, calmly ask her why she would think that was an appropriate thing to say to her daughter. Shame her and put her in her place. She’s a bully.

pointythings Fri 23-Oct-20 08:20:19

Personally I'd be buying an air horn and every time she said something like that, I'd sound it and yell 'Negative Nancy Alarm' really loudly. But I'm a bitch and my DM never ever did anything like that.

If the above isn't an option I'd avoid seeing her and if she queries it, tell her exactly why. It's really appalling behaviour.

I have two DDs and wouldn't dream of being anything but supportive.

BigSandyBalls2015 Fri 23-Oct-20 08:24:11

How bloody horrible! No you aren’t being sensitive, she’s being a nasty cow.

She should be building you up and praising you, not knocking you down like this. I have two DDs in their late teens and I wouldn’t dream of talking to them like this, it’s very hurtful.

Beamur Fri 23-Oct-20 08:26:55

Toxic and unpleasant.
Also very wrong.
Limit your time with her as it will harm your self esteem.
Is your Dad worse?!?

SilverRoe Fri 23-Oct-20 08:52:47

Oh i’m so sorry your mum is like this OP. Unfortunately, some mothers become very jealous and resentful of their daughters as they grow into young women. Your mum sounds like one of these.

She resents your looks, youth, education and friendships. Right at the point you are entering the world as a young woman who has completed her education she seems like she is trying to clip your wings. I would bet she sees your potential being realised and it has bought up her own resentments and insecurities. So she’s trying to make you smaller.

It’s wrong and unfair.

FedUpAtHomeTroels Fri 23-Oct-20 08:58:58

You don't need enemies with a Mum like her. She's nasty.

Caeruleanblue Fri 23-Oct-20 08:59:12

Why does she know all these small events in your life. Don't tell her. Eg contacting someone you haven't seen in year? Absolutely no need for her to know this. I think you are perhaps continuing the mother /child relationship, but you are an adult now.
Also why don't you bite back, you are old?? but not as ancient as you DM? time is running out!

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