Getting married again but kids refusing to attend

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So my fiancé and I are thinking we should make the most of this Covid situation (it certainly works in our favour financially!) and marry under the current rule of max 15. We could include both families with no issues and no politics re inviting x, y and x. Yay!

However, my boys (10 and 13) are both saying they wouldn't be comfortable to attend. It's breaking my heart.

They both have an excellent relationship with my fiancé but my narcissistic ex-husband has told them that should they attend that would be highly disrespectful to him.

Bit of background... We are divorced and will have been separated seven years in January. Very acrimonious split. He has a fiancé also (age gap of 18 yrs) and they have been together for around four years also, the same sort of time my fiancé and I have been together. I don't think they have any immediate plans to marry. No kids together and no plans for any apparently. My fiancé and I have a baby daughter together, she is almost five months.

Advice please!

[Artandlove]

Tell them how much you want them there, speak of your daughter together and continue to give them invites then let them make their own decision.

For you so you are not upset or disappointed on the day prepare for them not to attend.

If it weren’t for your daughter I’d suggest to wait until your sons were in a better place about it. However, you’ve a child together and are forever connected.

[PickAChew]

Not attending would be disrespectful to you.

[remaininshroud]

Go ahead without them. Don't let your ex control the terms of your remarriage through your DS. Your ex is showing himself to be a very poor role model!

[nimbuscloud]

I feel so sorry for your children. They are being damaged beyond repair at this stage..

[Flittingaboutagain]

How awful. I wouldn't put the kids through any more conversations about it other than to empathise with them, tell them how you understand they have been put in a terrible position etc but get married without them if you want to get married now.

[Enough4me]

I'd talk to the schools separately from your boys. Explain that their dad has put them in a situation where they are having to please him. The parent support adviser/ teachers may have options to support the boys. Ultimately they should not be used as weapons and the schools should be aware of this.

I'm in a similar position and similar age DCs. The school cannot stop my exH comments, but I have additional help for my DS (10) with emotional support. I have blocked my exH completely and my partner deals with messages. That has cut down a lot of the nasty comments.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

As much as I would love to work with some of these suggestions, the courts ruled 50/50 shared care when the boys were just 3 and 6. Ex is taking me back to court again for about the fifth time in an attempt to gain further custody. As punishment for leaving him in essence. The damage that has been done has been phenomenal although I must shoulder some of the blame for that I guess for marrying him in the first place.

[Sssloou]

Your xDH continues to do anything to cruelly hurt and punish you and throws your boys under the bus each time to do so.

You need to be strategic here - so your boys emotional health is paramount. Do whatever you can to protect them whatever sacrifices it requires of you.

Don’t play his game. Don’t make your boys a tug of war.

Make your plans discreetly and leave the option open for them - right until the last minute. Don’t beg or plead. Offer it like a spontaneous option on the day.

I wouldn’t even give them the date because somehow your xH will pull a stunt to undermine it.

Are each of the boys entrenched in this position? How do they interact with their baby sister and your fiancée?

[Fortunategirl]

Don’t be silly. You don’t have a magic ball. You couldn’t see what would happen. You married him in good faith. The blame is his here. If you’re 50/50 and he’s taking you back for more then that’s on him. 50/50 is fair. What he’s doing to the kids isn’t fair. What his reasons for thinking he deserves more than 50/50

[Enough4me]

Yes when you married him you should have known he was twisted and would hate you more than love your kids - really??

No one knows how spiteful someone can turn. Mine left me, but still has hate that I carried on and have a new life.

Don't accept his behaviour as your fault. His behaviour is his fault!

[pog100]

Christ what a wanker. I don't think you should blame yourself for his actions damaging his own kids! Don't the courts frown upon this sort of action, it's "vexatious" or something isn't it. Surely it must damage his chances in the long run.
I think all you can do is show your boys what a good parent looks like and model a good relationship for them with your new husband. I don't think putting pressure on them to attend is going to help anyone. If he should get remarried it would be impossible not to bring this up though. It's very tempting to get them to ask him if he would want them to attend and what the difference is, but that's really unfair on them.
I'm sorry, it's a shit situation, he is a shit.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

My youngest loves his sister but my eldest will only interact with her when his brother isn't around to report back to ther dad. Baby is referred to as his house as "it".

[Nicknamegoeshere]

*at

[Clareflairmare]

I would sit them down and say how very much you want them there but that you and your fiancé will love and support them. It doesn’t matter what they choose to do, they are still a part of your family and always will be.

I wouldn’t put two kids through the crap of being pulled between you and their dad.

Goes without saying their dad is a class A pr*ck for making them feel like this.

I’d also have a family photo done before the big day and get everyone special outfits and put this up alongside the wedding photo so that they are visibly remembered.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@Clareflairmare My eldest refuses to be in any family photos. There isn't a single one I have of all three of my kids

[Enough4me]

Keep back out of the conflict so it is clear it is all about him and not a problem from your side.

As aside, why would your 10yr old tell his dad that the 13 Yr old was spending time with their sister? Why do they need to talk about her over there at all?

[Clareflairmare]

Oh that’s so sad, I’m sorry. Make a joke of it then and print selfies and stick onto paper plates and take photos of yourself with them. Do whatever you can to include them. Not for now, for when they are adults and trying to untangle this mess your ex husband has made of your poor boys hearts and minds.

Be a constant source of love. Never make them choose. Find every, every possible opportunity to discuss motivations and manipulation in ab abstract sense in films, books, TV, news. Get the freedom course book and say you are thinking of giving it to a friend then just leave it lying around for months. Keep saying, oh man I really meant to read that book! Must get round to it.... (you never know, curiosity might work!). Make them aware of how people manipulate others without ever speaking about their dad and help them to see the penny drop without saying anything.

Unconditional love, inclusion and critical thinking skills are all you can do.

[Clareflairmare]

@Enough4me

Keep back out of the conflict so it is clear it is all about him and not a problem from your side.

As aside, why would your 10yr old tell his dad that the 13 Yr old was spending time with their sister? Why do they need to talk about her over there at all?

Because abusive men want to hurt their ex partners any way they can, even if it means stopping children from feeling they are allowed to love their baby sister. These men are evil.

[NiceandCalm]

Your eldest's behaviour is very worrying. I defo think you should arrange/insist on some counselling for him.

[giantangryrooster]

Don't tell your ds you will be sad if they don't attend, it will put them on the spot even more.

I don't know if anyone offers mediation at this late stage. But perhaps it could work in your favor in a court case, if you flag to either school or ss that they are being put on the spot this much (abuse) by their dad.

You need outside help, if nothing else could you have family therapy?

[pollyglot]

If you want to get married, and have been living for years in a de facto married situation, then surely there's no need for a fancy wedding-just toddle off to the registry office and do the deed. Report back that you're married -job done. There will be no angst for the boys that way, as the living situation remains unchanged. Sure, you have to give in to the horrible ex's blackmail, but you at least will be married.

[LightDrizzle]

That's terrible OP. Particularly the update about their sister.
I think I would say to the boys that you want them to be at your wedding above anyone else and that it is very wrong of their father to make them feel guilty about it. However you only want them to be there if they can be happy, so you won't make them and you won't blame them if they don't. Tell them they can make a decision closer to the time.
It is incredibly unfair but you have to avoid engaging in your ex's games and attempt to alleviate the stress on the boys. The result may be that he repeatedly "wins", but your priority is your sons and minimising the damage to them from the actions of your toxic ex.

[user1481840227]

Surely that's parental alienation or along those lines...family alienation...

do the courts or family services not offer you any support or protection?

[Clareflairmare]

Family courts are useless, I’m sure OP has tried. It’s very unfair. I’m so sorry @Nicknamegoeshere

[user1481840227]

It is incredibly unfair but you have to avoid engaging in your ex's games and attempt to alleviate the stress on the boys. The result may be that he repeatedly "wins", but your priority is your sons and minimising the damage to them from the actions of your toxic ex

Leaving the wedding aside surely something more has to be done to stop the ex from being allowed to do this...the OP said the damage that has been done is phenomenal....surely the boys need to be told that the fathers behaviour is wrong. It's worrying that at 13 the eldest won't interact with his baby sister unless he's sure his dad won't find out and won't be in a picture with her. Going along with things might minimise the immediate stress on the boys but at what cost? if their minds have being brainwashed and are going to continue to be warped at this stage in their development then will they be able to recover from that in adulthood?