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Is my girlfriend selfish or is it me?

(271 Posts)
BlingersMcBling Tue 20-Oct-20 08:08:26

Ok I’ll try and keep it brief.. I’ve been with gf around 5 years. When we first got together we went out all the time and I paid for everything, this didn’t bother me initially but after around 6 months it started to annoy me how she would never even offer to buy even one round, it was like an expectation. It got to the point where once on our way for drinks in a taxi I had to actually ask her if she was taking any money out and we stopped at a cash machine and she did but she didn’t seem happy about it. Anyway as time went on I got more and more frustrated and we argued a lot and things got a margin better. But lots of stuff went on, she left jobs so I bailed her out, her car broke so I paid to repair it... tons of stuff. I’m generally pretty generous and so this wouldn’t normally bother me but I ended up getting in a bit of debt and we moved house and I was really struggling and she had more disposable income than me but it was a real struggle getting her to pay for anything, now the tables were turned and it really pi55ed me off because of the amount of times I’d helped her out and now she was reluctant to help me out-even though the reason I was in loads of debt was paying for her when she was in a mess etc... anyway fast forward a few years and thing got slightly better as I’d started to stand up for myself and we had many arguments but long story short our house costs were around 1200 a month so we split it 600 each. Then she loses her job, gets another part time job so I let her pay 400 and I pay rest as I earn more money.. she complains she never has any money so I drop it to 300... now the issue... I now want to buy a house (was only renting before) I’ve seen a house we like and it will only be in my name as her credit is bad. It’s 300k and the house running costs will be around 2000 a month. I said I want her to up her payments to 500 but she is complaining about this saying it won’t leave her with much money. It will leave her with a few hundred a month but this is because she doesn’t want to work full time (she works 4 days a week) The problem is I now do earn a lot more money than her, and she keeps bringing this up saying why should she be left skint but I just can’t see it being that bad having to only pay 500 towards the house. The mortgage is 1100, council tax 200, other bills 500... plus she has 2 kids which is the reason I needed to get a big expensive 4 bed anyway! But maybe she is right and I do earn a lot more money than her and tbh normally it wouldn’t bother me BUT I don’t want to feel like a mug because of what’s happened in the past. Does she have a point and is it me being selfish? Is it wrong of me to expect her to work more to contribute towards a house that is ultimately not in her name? Sorry for long one I just felt like I needed to set the scene and thanks.

OP’s posts: |
binkyblinky Tue 20-Oct-20 08:10:51

You are not being selfish! Contributions should equate to the amount of money you both earn. Why should you pay extra to house her children when she won't put in the extra? It's not fair on you. X

KiposWonderbeasts Tue 20-Oct-20 08:12:37

Why are you buying a house together when you have such significant issues about money?

AfterSchoolWorry Tue 20-Oct-20 08:12:54

She sounds like a spoilt baby (I'm assuming you two have? no children) and I think you're mad for enabling her.

She's never stood on her own two feet financially, u would NOT enter any house purchase with her.

She's a complete parasite.

AfterSchoolWorry Tue 20-Oct-20 08:13:56

Ugh, typos everywhere. 'you' not u.

PurpleDaisies Tue 20-Oct-20 08:14:53

She’s shown you who she is regarding money right from the beginning. I’m not sure why you’re still with her when you’ve obviously both got different views on supporting each other financially.

MotheringShites Tue 20-Oct-20 08:15:53

Wherever you want to lay the blame, this does not sound like a recipe for happiness going forward. Especially for the casually mentioned children.

Palavah Tue 20-Oct-20 08:16:26

The way you've told it she sounds like a freeloader, but

- if she's not going to be on the deeds of the property you can't expect her to pay half the mortgage and bills. Where would that leave her and her children if you split up?

If you weren't happy with the money situation it was unwise to move in with her.

Who does the housework? Who buys the groceries?

Hazelnutlatteplease Tue 20-Oct-20 08:18:45

What? I'm not sure about the above reply.

You should both be left with the same "play" money after all costs (including food, equal pension contributions, and her kids regular bills) are taken into account. If the answer is no then no it's not fair. But I'll bet from what youve said it's not you its not unfair towards.....

You really shouldn't be moving in together. There's way too much long term resentment for it to work.

PurpleDaisies Tue 20-Oct-20 08:20:48

If she's not going to be on the deeds of the property you can't expect her to pay half the mortgage and bills.

What? She won’t be using the electricity? Her water comes free at the tap?

She should be paying fair rent, which may or may not be half the mortgage.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 20-Oct-20 08:21:14

You sound incompatible.
She was sounding selfish at the beginning until you mentioned she has DC. Did she pay for a babysitter when you went out? They are not cheap
And no she shouldn’t pay towards a house she is not on the deeds for. You could ask her to leave at any time. She has children to protect

PurpleDaisies Tue 20-Oct-20 08:22:41

And no she shouldn’t pay towards a house she is not on the deeds for.
Would she be living rent free if she weren’t with the op?

Hazelnutlatteplease Tue 20-Oct-20 08:23:05

She shouldn't be contributing to the mortgage if she's not on the title deeds. Just other bills

ExclamationPerfume Tue 20-Oct-20 08:24:02

I'd be buying a house just for you. She sounds like a freeloader.

BlueThistles Tue 20-Oct-20 08:24:17

She's a selfish tight arsed git... she needs to pap her way.. she can pay half the bills and Rent.. its not hard .. either that tell her to move out 🌺

CodenameVillanelle Tue 20-Oct-20 08:25:28

You ARE being a mug. But a house for you and send her on her way.

Palavah Tue 20-Oct-20 08:25:58

Sorry i mean you can't expect her to pay half the mortgage if she's not on the deeds. Yes i would expect her to pay fair rent (which might be more than half the mortgage if you calculate on the basis to bedrooms occupied...)

The way you mentioned the children at the end almost as an afterthought makes me wonder if we have the full picture

ThistleWitch Tue 20-Oct-20 08:27:04

PurpleDaisies

*And no she shouldn’t pay towards a house she is not on the deeds for.*
Would she be living rent free if she weren’t with the op?

Exactly, why do people whinge about "paying someone's mortgage" when they would have to pay rent if they lived somewhere else?

Why should one person struggle to pay for a bigger place than they need to accommodate an extra person and the other person freeload?

creaturcomforts Tue 20-Oct-20 08:27:07

You mentioned that she works 4 days a week and doesn't want more hours but does she need childcare, you mention the children briefly but not their ages.

When you make a decision to buy a house with your partner and children, you agree to become part of a family with those children. Presumably, no she is not getting a good deal here if you are together yet she provides everything for the children despite earning less, yet has very little left for herself. You are supposed to be a partnership!

HartnellAvenue Tue 20-Oct-20 08:27:54

It doesn't sound like the relationship is working out. It's not her it's both of you.

PurpleDaisies Tue 20-Oct-20 08:28:30

I’m amazed by how many posters are saying she shouldn’t be contributing to the mortgage (which is effectively paying rent).

Op you need a contract agreeing what she will pay, as if she were a lodger. You need to agree how much notice you would have to give if you wanted her to move out.

Strangedays20 Tue 20-Oct-20 08:29:35

How old are the children? Tbf she is working 4 days a week with two children to look after.

Frownette Tue 20-Oct-20 08:30:10

Does the father pay maintenace?

creaturcomforts Tue 20-Oct-20 08:32:02

If you enter into a partnership with someone with children, you expect to contribute towards them! Wether she didn't pay her share in the past which it sounds like or not, the situation now is that she earns considerably less than you now.

You either accept the situation as it is or don't buy a house together.

BlingersMcBling Tue 20-Oct-20 08:32:19

Thanks, her dad looked after the kids when we went out. This is the grey area I struggle with. Yes I get she is not on the house deeds but does that mean she should live rent free? Does that mean that I should basically pay to house her and her 2 kids because she isn’t on the mortgage? If she wasn’t with me she’d be renting anyway and my bills will certainly be higher because she and her 2 kids are living there. But then I do earn a lot more money than her and if I’m honest I know that normally I would just pay the vast majority and I’d be fine with her only giving me 300, but because of what’s happened in the past I can’t help thinking is she taking the pi55 again.

OP’s posts: |

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