Still unhappy and still haven’t done anything

(34 Posts)
Daffodil72 Mon 19-Oct-20 18:22:03

I posted on here a few months ago about my feelings of unhappiness in my marriage. Married for 22.5 years to a man ten years my senior.
I don’t have feelings for him in that way and I don’t think I ever have lived tbh. But, because I was naive and stupid, I married him as I wanted the image of marriage, the children, the house etc. We married in a registry office as didn’t want a fuss.
I stopped sex many years ago as (a) I didn’t find him attractive/had no sexual feelings for him and (b) he was as passionate as a dead fish. Nothing there.
I immersed myself in work - I’m now senior management in my profession. Kids are 16 and 13 now. All grandparents are RIP and we had no support with the kids when they were younger. We managed. Just.
Mortgage free and money isn’t an issue.
I have always felt like there was something missing. He is an avid train enthusiast and, tbh, I find him strange. He lacks social skills and isn’t masculine - he never complimented me (I’m good looking, so others tell me) and I never saw him get horny (if that makes sense). All of his friends are single 50-60 something men - all train spotters.
I am desperately unhappy. I moved to the spare bedroom about 3 years ago and it’s a tiny box room big enough for a single bed. He has the master suite with a brand new en-suite, TV the works. I have gradually withdrawn even more and go out every weekend (even just sit in the car a mile away) and go to my room every evening. I have entered the menopause years so know I’m more anxious than normal but this has gone on longer. I am sat in a cafe having tea as I don’t want to go home. He isn’t abusive or anything but he won’t accept I don’t want to be with him. I have told him but he acts like I’m just being silly. I know my mental health is starting to suffer and it didn’t help he was self isolating at home for 7 months during the pandemic. He didn’t do anything around the house!
He won’t move out. I want to as I know I’m avoiding the kids too (although they’re mainly in their rooms now). I have started looking at rental properties. I’m worried this is the wrong thing to do but I really don’t know what to do for the best. I am desperately unhappy. It is a dead marriage. He is a lot older. We have nothing in common. I’ve realised the mistake I’ve made.
What can I do? What would you do?
I can afford to rent but what about the family home if he won’t sell? What if I cave in and stay but remain unhappy? I’m 48 btw. Helpful words please.

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Daffodil72 Mon 19-Oct-20 18:23:08

That top paragraph should say ‘I don’t think I have ever loved him’ not lived!

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PornStarOvaltini Mon 19-Oct-20 18:31:29

So sorry, this all sounds awful.

He has to sell OP, or buy you out, if you get divorced. That's the law. Think about that happy future in your own home, nice big bedroom & the kids sharing their time between the two of you. That should give you hope to aim for. X

pog100 Mon 19-Oct-20 18:33:28

It’s absolutely clear from what you have written that you have to end this now. You are still plenty young enough to get much more out of life but it will be a lot easier without him.
You seem to be giving him too much power. You can decide to end the marriage unilaterally and you are in a very strong position with older children and a good income of your own. I think the first thing to do is see a solicitor to find out what to expect financially and the nuts and bolts of how to proceed. Whether renting another place is a good idea at the moment I’m not sure. You first have to make it real for you, and him, by talking to , family, friends etc. Then just do it. In the long run he can’t keep the house unless he buys you out.
Good luck, steel yourself and go for it!

Daffodil72 Mon 19-Oct-20 20:04:30

I feel bad - that’s the problem. I feel guilty wanting to end it and move on with my life. He is a nice man, just not for me! I don’t connect with him in any way. He isn’t what I thought he was.
I came from a divorced home (my parents split when I was 8) and I think this is what is stopping me. I feel really awful for feeling the way I do. But, it’s eating away at me inside!

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Daffodil72 Mon 19-Oct-20 20:05:09

What’s the easiest way to get divorced? Online?

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Daffodil72 Mon 19-Oct-20 20:06:17

I have no family btw, other than my children

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MarriedtoDaveGrohl Mon 19-Oct-20 20:59:46

I think it's possible to just start a divorce while there. Go and see a solicitor and start proceedings and at some point the house will be sold out from under him. Until you meet a solicitor and get started nothing's happening. You'll both get smaller houses and happy lives. 48 is not too late.

PinkSparklyUnicorn Mon 19-Oct-20 21:09:27

If you need to get your priority in order, a counsellor might help you sort out some of your feelings and help you see that this is probably not how you should live your life. A solicitor will give you good, sound advice. Then you can make your decision.

I have started reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle, if you haven't give it a go..

Good luck and a bug hug x

category12 Mon 19-Oct-20 21:22:59

Why would you move out to a rental? Divorce, sell up or one of you buy the other out, split the rest of the marital assets and get on with your life.

Get legal advice about the financials before you do anything.

You can do a do-it-yourself divorce cheaply, but don't be silly about the house/pensions etc out of guilt - you will live to regret it.

AlreadyGone44 Mon 19-Oct-20 21:38:39

If he's not abusive you can file for divorce and live in the house till its all sorted. If you think you need something to spur you on to tell him you could always see a solicitor, file for divorce and then tell him. He can't stop you getting divorced, he can't stop the house from being sold. He can delay things, but if you want to divorce him and sell the house he can't stop you. If you can afford it and would struggle mentally to remain while everything is sorted Id check with a solicitor first if there's any legal reason you should remain in the house and if not get a rental, tell him you're getting divorced, give him a week or two, discuss who has kids when and move out with the kids.

Daffodil72 Tue 20-Oct-20 18:21:34

I think, that once I file for divorce, that I couldn’t stay in the same house. The atmosphere is bad now anyway so staying after making my decision would be just awful. My thoughts are to rent somewhere and get the place furnished and then announce that I’m leaving and what my plans are. I feel terrible about it but I’m starting to realise I’m suffering by staying and pretending everything is isn’t.
Anyone done anything similar?

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Daffodil72 Tue 20-Oct-20 18:22:05

I can’t stand the thought of another Christmas in this house.

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Daffodil72 Tue 20-Oct-20 18:24:16

BTW, I have free access to a counsellor through work but I’m not sure how good they’d be.

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katy1213 Tue 20-Oct-20 18:36:45

He's not going to help you with this so you need to see a solicitor and get things moving. You're living in a box room, for heaven's sake - you might as well be in prison on day release. Leave him to his train spotting - he won't even notice you've gone if the 10.48 from Crewe is on time. And start living your life. With the 50% share of the house proceeds that you are entitled to. Could you get a furnished rental to tide you over? In which case, you and the children could be installed by Christmas. But do take legal advice first. You're a successful professional woman. Think of it as a project to manage with a deadline!

katy1213 Tue 20-Oct-20 18:44:01

PS He probably is a nice man. He could make another trainspotter very happy and I can picture them in years to come, standing on the platform with their notebooks and a packet of sandwiches. Don't stand in that woman's way! But there is no reason to feel guilty that this is not your vision of wedded bliss for your own future.

Onedropbeat Tue 20-Oct-20 18:45:13

Good luck OP

Set yourself free and I wish you very happiness

Unfortunately I don’t have advise about solicitors or the whole process (I got divorced but wasn’t well advised and ended up deserting him one morning as he refused to acknowledge anything or leave)

Best thing I did though

ulanbatorismynextstop Tue 20-Oct-20 19:33:56

Op please get legal advice!!

ulanbatorismynextstop Tue 20-Oct-20 19:35:21

If you move out and leave the kids with him, you won't get much money.

Daffodil72 Mon 26-Oct-20 14:23:59

I really want to move out. I feel very anxious in the house now which isn’t good for me, or the kids. I’m very volatile at home too simply because I’m unhappy. I have to do something. We don’t speak.
I have a viewing of an apartment booked for Thursday and I’m going to view a cottage on Saturday so hoping I get somewhere. The marriage is dead. He just can’t see it! He is quite happy to live like this - I am not! I can’t believe he doesn’t realise what is wrong with me - if he was acting the way I was I’d ask to talk etc. He is just ignoring the fact there is a big issue here.
I am hoping to have the kids 50/50 tbh. I’m looking at properties on the school bus route and less than a 15 minute walk away from the family home.
My plan is to move out, give him a month to think about it and realise I’m serious, then see a solicitor as I want the house sold. I’m not sure about bills for the main house if he stays until it’s sold. There is no mortgage on the house and the bills are about £500 a month. I’d be paying rent (above £500) plus bills for my rental property. Obviously, I’d buy another house once I had my half of the main house. Some bills are in my name and we have a joint account that we now pay money into to cover bills but I don’t think it’s fair me paying for the main house if he’s living in it rent and mortgage free. I also want my name taking off of the joint account. Is this easy to do?

I’m really feeling it at the moment!!

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RandomMess Mon 26-Oct-20 14:29:42

You can move all the bills into his name, ring the providers and tell them you have moved out. Just stop paying into the joint account?

Is it possible for it to go into overdraft? Does it need 2 signatures to pay for DDs on cheques etc? I would confirm this with the bank.

RandomMess Mon 26-Oct-20 14:30:55

I would find out the process for forcing sale of the house with you being married. I would actually start the divorce now before you leave as it all takes time etc.

Sooki6 Mon 26-Oct-20 14:38:24

You’re not in a marriage. It’s just a contract and has been for a while. You still have a life ahead of you. Imagine, you could have your very own double room, decorated how you like in a home where you feel comfortable. That in itself must sound like heaven compared to how you’re living right now x

Greeneyes78 Mon 26-Oct-20 15:03:45

This is miserable for both of you.

Good luck op

MarriedtoDaveGrohl Tue 27-Oct-20 08:36:03

Your solicitor will tell you that you would be crazy to move out. He could sell the house for so much it will never sell, leave it as a tip no one would buy it, be obstructive around viewings and more. Start divorce proceedings including the sale of the house but don't move out.

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