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Intrusive thoughts after breakdown thread...

(41 Posts)
RussetandGold Mon 19-Oct-20 07:18:52

Early morning anxiety is always the worst.
My stomach is doing butterflies.

Does anyone want to share their wobbly thoughts here?

He is not here.
But I have to remember that he wouldn’t be here anyway, because he was always so absent. So no changes there.

I’m worried about loss of intimacy. Who will tell me stuff.
But that’s ok. I have close friends who will tell me if I smell/that I need to do x or y

I’m sad about the memories.
That’s ok. It’s just cos they are so raw. In time they will hurt less.

I need to hang onto the fact he has freed up my life. I will take space to be happy alone again. I’m time there might be another man. This time I will choose one who is not taking off all the time. I mustn’t have one night stands with whoever. They are destructive to me.

Just writing this down. Make myself feel better & ready to face the DCs later.

OP’s posts: |
Ukholidaysaregreat Mon 19-Oct-20 07:22:05

That is a good and positive mantra. What a good idea to have positive and calming thoughts before the day begins. Have a great day. Enjoy the autumn colours. brew

RussetandGold Mon 19-Oct-20 08:00:48

Thank you so much, @Ukholidaysaregreat .
I am trying to calm down the panicky thoughts. It’s so hard. I miss him. But that’s not true - I miss what I thought he was/could be.

I will try to get up soon. Having a little cry first.

I will try to enjoy the autumn colours & to focus on nice things... thank you for replying flowers

OP’s posts: |
CalmDown7 Mon 19-Oct-20 10:07:09

A good little thing to add to your exercise (which by the way is great) - note down a few things that you always wanted to do but couldn’t do because he was weighing you down. Doesn’t have to be actual activities but things like enjoying the peace, having a cuppa and genuinely being into a good Netflix series or documentary. Make a list of a couple of things and look at that list and feel relieved that now you can do you without his thoughts occupying your mind, without the anger of his absence ruining your day. If there were arguments then think about how peaceful and serene it is not having to have your blood boil inside of you x

HollowTalk Mon 19-Oct-20 10:09:40

Did this man used to tell you that you smelled bad, OP?

RussetandGold Mon 19-Oct-20 12:26:58

No, @HollowTalk, never. It’s something I think that a loving partner could gently point out, if I needed it. His self-care was so poor, I had to hint to him sometimes...

OP’s posts: |
RussetandGold Mon 19-Oct-20 12:28:37

CalmDown7

A good little thing to add to your exercise (which by the way is great) - note down a few things that you always wanted to do but couldn’t do because he was weighing you down. Doesn’t have to be actual activities but things like enjoying the peace, having a cuppa and genuinely being into a good Netflix series or documentary. Make a list of a couple of things and look at that list and feel relieved that now you can do you without his thoughts occupying your mind, without the anger of his absence ruining your day. If there were arguments then think about how peaceful and serene it is not having to have your blood boil inside of you x

Thanks so, so much @CalmDown7. No doubt I’ll end up adding stuff later or tomorrow but this is hugely helpful and I will do this. Thank

OP’s posts: |
RussetandGold Tue 20-Oct-20 08:03:12

I made a long list of all the things I disliked about him yesterday, and that helped.

He emailed me wanting me to do something. I haven’t - and probably won’t - reply.

The anxiety is still there.
I’m hurt.
Why did he plaster his Facebook with stuff?
Why did he just take off again?
He will be giving his version of the story. I feel silenced. It’s not fair.
He hasn’t told his kids yet. I’m sure this is designed as a hook to keep me ensnared so I will go back for more.
He’s manipulative and twists things. I can’t let this progress. I can’t stay with someone who doesn’t have my interests to heart.

It hurts.

OP’s posts: |
RussetandGold Sun 01-Nov-20 02:12:59

Just rearing my head again to ask for some support. It’s been a rollercoaster few days, seduced back in but then trying to make it work & realising it won’t...

May I ask for a handhold & some support? I can’t sleep and all my friends can’t be there for me right now...

OP’s posts: |
RussetandGold Sun 01-Nov-20 02:17:21

His self care was bad.
He twisted things.
He made me late for things.
His plans often took me away from my kids.
He liven in chaos.
He often didn’t change his clothes for days
He didn’t dress properly.
He didn’t eat properly.
He snored & would refuse to do anything about it.
His boundaries were fuzzy.
He trampled over my boundaries.

I was in a strong place before & he’s made me weak again. I need to find that strong place again in the pit of my stomach.

OP’s posts: |
Anordinarymum Sun 01-Nov-20 02:18:35

Why don't you list it on here?

All the things you disliked All the reasons for not needing him in your life. This person you miss for all the wrong reasons, for wanting him in your life when he was never going to make your life what you wanted it to be.

It takes two to make a good relationship - not one who tries to make up for the other by compensating for them all of the time. Such hard work.

Anordinarymum Sun 01-Nov-20 02:19:38

Sorry I posted after you did.

Was he like this before or did it degenerate ?

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC Sun 01-Nov-20 02:25:40

Holding your hand love x

Its ok to hurt, its ok to feel pain, let the bad feelings happen and they will pass in time.

When I feel like you describe, I watch stupid videos on youtube and drink cups of tea while sitting in the bath. Do whatever you can that calms you down and try to take heart, all feelings are temporary and this won't last for ever.

RussetandGold Sun 01-Nov-20 02:26:18

Thank you Anordinary @Anordinarymum
I’m feeling so sad but I can’t let him control me like this.

Some of it he was like this, and some degenerated. He got really fat which affected the snoring and his chaos got worse and worse as he bought stuff all the time and lived in about 4 different places, staying in hotels, etc. It was really hard as he drew me back in last week. I was stupid to let him.

Thanks for your reply. Trouble sleeping tonight.

OP’s posts: |
Anordinarymum Sun 01-Nov-20 02:29:29

OP Can I ask.. does he do drugs ? You say he lived in hotels.. bought things...

RussetandGold Sun 01-Nov-20 02:30:06

Thank you so much @WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I’m so angry that he sent his goodbye text at a time when he knew I would be falling asleep. I suffer from insomnia. This man didn’t have my interests to heart, did he?

Thank you for holding my hand xx I hate emotional pain sad

It’s such a bad time for me. Upsetting news about a family member’s health. How can he leave me while I battle that?

I had been watching videos on youtube... yes prob need to calm myself down so I can put on a good face for my DCs tomorrow.

It’s so painful. I did everything to save it.

OP’s posts: |
RussetandGold Sun 01-Nov-20 02:30:33

Anordinarymum

OP Can I ask.. does he do drugs ? You say he lived in hotels.. bought things...

No he didn’t do drugs. But he carried a lot of trauma.

OP’s posts: |
RussetandGold Sun 01-Nov-20 02:31:44

I’m crying now. We slept together so much last week while trying to talk it all through.
I’m so upset

OP’s posts: |
WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC Sun 01-Nov-20 02:34:32

Oh love, im so sorry. Its horrible, times like these. I wish I could take it away from you.

Still holding your hand. I remember all your threads, I know this was hard for you and you really tried, and loved him.

Isadora2007 Sun 01-Nov-20 02:34:45

You are worth more.

This man was not and is not a catch nor is he good for you.

The version of him you want in your life does NOT exist. And while he is in your life you cannot meet the person you would want in your life.

You are worthy of love and happiness. You deserve it and you WILL find it one day.

I’m about to copy and paste something I sent to myself earlier that I found very deep and interesting. If you don’t find it interesting it might send you back to sleep at least!

flowers

Isadora2007 Sun 01-Nov-20 02:35:39

Powerful words from Anthony Hopkins:
''Let go of people who aren't ready to love you yet! This is the hardest thing you'll have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing: stop giving your love to those who aren't ready to love you yet.
Stop hard conversations with people who don't want to change.
Stop showing up for people who are indifferent to your presence.
Stop loving people who aren't ready to love you.
I know your instincts do everything to win the good mercy of everyone around you, but it's also the impulse that will steal your time, energy and mental, physical and spiritual health.
When you start manifesting yourself in your life, completely, with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to find you in this place of pure sincerity.
That doesn't mean that you have to change who you are. That means you have to stop loving people who don't want to love you yet.
When you are excluded, subtly offended, forgotten or easily ignored by people you give time to, you don't do yourself any favour by allowing them your energy and your life.
The truth is that you're not for everyone...
And that not everyone is for you...
That makes this world so special, when you find the few people you have friendship, love or a true relationship with...
You will know how valuable that is...
Because you have experienced what isn't...
But the more time you spend trying to make you loved by someone who cant...
The more time you waste depriving the same connection...
There are billions of people on this planet, and many of them will end up with you, on their level, with their vibration, from where they stand...
But...
The smaller you stay, involved in the privacy of people who use you as a pillow, background option, a therapist and a strategy for their emotional healing...
More time you stay out of the community you wish for.
If you stop showing up, you might be less wanted...
If you stop trying, the relationship might stop...
If you stop texting, your phone stays dark for days and weeks...
Maybe if you stop loving someone, the love between you will dissolve...
That doesn't mean you ruined a relationship!
That means all this relationship had was the energy that only you and you hire to keep it in the air.
It's not love.
That's attachment.
That's wanting to give a chance to those who don't want it!
The most valuable and most important thing you have in your life is your energy.
Its not just your time because it's limited...
It's your energy!
What you give every day is what will become more and more in your life.
It's the ones you give time and energy that will define your existence.
When you realize this, you start to understand why you are so impatient when you spend your time with people that don't suit you, and in activities, places, situations that don't suit you.
You're starting to realize that the most important thing you can do for your life, for yourself and for everyone you know, protect your energy stronger than anything.
Turn your life into a safe sanctuary where only '' compatible '' people with you are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving people.
You are not responsible to convince them to be saved.
It's not your job to exist for people and give them your life, little by little, moment after the moment!
Because if you feel bad or if you feel obliged; you are the root of all of this by your insisting, afraid they promise you the favors you won't give them...
It's your only fact to realize that you are the loved one of your destiny and to accept the love you think you deserve.
Decide you deserve a true friendship.
Wait then... just a minute...
And look how everything is starting to change..."
Anthony Hopkins

RussetandGold Sun 01-Nov-20 02:36:48

Thank you @WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I really did love him. I tried so hard. He’s left things a tiny bit open but I have to go with my self respect.

I’m glad you knew my threads. We had joy together but he wasn’t good for me. I can’t believe he ended up buying me a toothbrush. Stupid man. I bought him love hearts sweets sad they will still be in his car...

OP’s posts: |
RussetandGold Sun 01-Nov-20 02:39:31

Isadora2007

You are worth more.

This man was not and is not a catch nor is he good for you.

The version of him you want in your life does NOT exist. And while he is in your life you cannot meet the person you would want in your life.

You are worthy of love and happiness. You deserve it and you WILL find it one day.

I’m about to copy and paste something I sent to myself earlier that I found very deep and interesting. If you don’t find it interesting it might send you back to sleep at least!

flowers

Thank you so much @Isadora2007
I’m making a bit of a mess of this thread but it is helping me so much.

He was a mess. He made me a mess.

Someone told someone else that I’m too good for him.

He would have had to change. It would have been risky.

Thank you for pasting the other stuff... I will read it now...flowers

Everyone is so lovely on here.

OP’s posts: |
RussetandGold Sun 01-Nov-20 02:46:27

Gosh @Isadora2007. Those are amazing words. I had no idea AH was such a profound thinker.

This passage is pertinent because I really am an energetic person and he fed off my energy. I got so tired in the end.

I did sometimes feel excluded or offended. It was very subtle but it’s true, he wasn’t ready to move me.

I found that soothing. Will try to get some sleep now... THANK YOU

OP’s posts: |
WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC Sun 01-Nov-20 02:48:39

flowers you deserve peace, you really do, and it will come in just a little while. Just hang on love, the sun will rise in the morning and you will feel better. The middle of the night is so hard, everything seems 1000x worse.

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