Is it me who is actually bitter?

(17 Posts)
Highrise88 Fri 09-Oct-20 18:40:02

My stbx husband walked out on me and my daughters two years ago. He was having an affair, although he denies this he didn’t admit it once.
Anyway, things where very heated when we split, I did things I wasn’t proud of, but nothing crazy. I sent the OW messages about how upset I was that she perused a married man with two kids etc. He said awful things to me and vice versa. Things with the OW didn’t last and I feel that he probs blames me for this.

Anyway things have been ok for 6 months in terms of there has been no arguing and no nasty words exchanged.
I asked him last night about an Xmas present that I wanted to pre order and if he had already done this. He replied saying he didn’t want a conversation with me, to stop messaging that he doesn’t want to be my friend as to much has happened and he does not want things to become over familiar.
Says things like he doesn’t want to spend the night backwards and forwards messaging me (that never happens)
I’m just so confused. I’m not trying to be his friend and purely communicate when it is about the kids.

I don’t know If it’s me who’s the bitter one? Should I even be asking him what his getting the kids for Xmas? Is that to much communication?

I don’t feel like I’m forcing conversations, and just didn’t want to waste £100, but then I could have just returned the gift.

Whenever we communicate about the kids, his short and snappy and rude.

I just don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t want my kids to constantly see the relationship between me and there dad is toxic.

Any suggestions, sorry I get that I’m rambling.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 09-Oct-20 18:48:15

I think probably it's a bit early for him to be thinking about Christmas and clearly he felt like you were trying to start something up.

Personally, I think you should just decide what you're getting the kids and tell him as a fait accompli (only if you think he's likely to duplicate). Don't try to make a conversation out of it or ask what's he's getting them.

He's right that it would have turned into a message ping-pong if he'd engaged.

category12 Fri 09-Oct-20 18:50:35

I don't think it's toxic to not have those sort of conversations. It's toxic to be nasty to each other or to be unable to be civil in front of the dc, but not engaging in non-essential conversation isn't. IMO.

Highrise88 Fri 09-Oct-20 18:53:45

I don’t mean toxic from the conversations, but we do not see each other at all and the kids no it’s not civil.

Talks or Xmas was just because the game came out on pre order and I didn’t want her to miss out.

I’m just so lost in my own thoughts like I’m I trying to make us amicable in the hopes he realises what his lost? I don’t want him back and I’m in another relationship, I just honestly don’t understand.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 09-Oct-20 18:55:58

So just do it - you don't need him to agree or disagree with you buying it.

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 09-Oct-20 18:56:59

You’re being sensible and pleasant and thinking about the kids. He has an axe to grind and wants to make a point.

Stop blaming yourself for absolutely nothing, he was a dick before and guess what? He’s being a dick again.

You’re good, leave him to it.

Tilly566 Fri 09-Oct-20 19:03:50

What age are the children? Are you able to discuss with them what's happening and for them to speak to their dad about what he should get? I would just not communicate from this point unless you had to.

Last night sounds like an overreaction to me .... But I don't know the history. I think... you're not a relationship to him, you're not a friend or a partner but you can still bear the brunt of his bad mood. I think he's saying you're nothing more than an annoyance, and an inconvenience but I'm sure he wouldn't be as rude to other 'acquaintances". I'd just take him at his word and let all non urgent communication go.

It's horrid when a meaningful relationship ends like this but you tried your best. It's time to stop communicating now.


Wannabegreenfingers Fri 09-Oct-20 19:13:55

He's being a dick, mine does this. I'm supposed to book a time slot if anything needs discussing about the children.

OhCaptain Fri 09-Oct-20 19:24:30

You're being bitter about wanting him to realise what he's lost.

Even if that happened, what good would it do you? You've moved on but you haven't because he still occupies way too much head space.

For your own sake, I'd do exactly as he said and cease communication. Send a list of what you're getting the kids so there's no overlap and let that be it.

Highrise88 Fri 09-Oct-20 19:35:55

How do I stop him occupying my head space? It’s all I want. I’m happy in my new relationship, but I just feel damaged

OP’s posts: |
OhCaptain Fri 09-Oct-20 19:39:22


How do I stop him occupying my head space? It’s all I want. I’m happy in my new relationship, but I just feel damaged

Have you ever had counselling? If not, it might be worth looking into.

Highrise88 Fri 09-Oct-20 19:41:25

Noo I haven't I think I would have benefited from it at the start as I struggled. Maybe It need now, I just don't know, but ill explore it.

OP’s posts: |
Highrise88 Fri 09-Oct-20 19:44:37

Yeah I think that is what I am an annoyance to him. I don't get why though, he had the affair, he left his family, I’m just trying to be amicable for the kids. I’m just going to stop communication. I don’t want to come across as the awkward one, just isn’t a line, he can communicate as much as he wants but the moment I do I just get abuse.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 09-Oct-20 19:59:05

Quite often the person at fault is angry with the person they've hurt.

It's because we all like to be the heroes of our story, so we rewrite the narrative so that the person we hurt must have deserved it (not in a thought-out way, sorta subconscious). It's like when they say things like I never loved you, I was always unhappy, blah blah - and that's a new narrative which generally comes as a shock.

OhCaptain Fri 09-Oct-20 20:06:43

@Highrise88 I do think you would benefit from exploring it as an option.

Wannabegreenfingers Fri 09-Oct-20 20:11:05

@category12, I certainly agree with that there guilt often manifests into anger.

Wannabegreenfingers Fri 09-Oct-20 20:11:35


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