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Just a vent

(5 Posts)
irnbrubottle Fri 09-Oct-20 17:31:10

I've namechanged for this, I'll namechange right back afterwards. I don't need advice or anything, I probably won't even come back to this, I just want to vent and get it all out.

I don’t think it’s a sign things are good when I write texts like “I don’t want to be married to you any more” and “I wish you would leave”, even if I never send them.

I don’t want to be married to him, I do wish he would leave and when I balance it all up, I wish I had never met him. The goods in no way outweigh the bads. They don’t even come close.

Why am I living this life? I’m always tired and worried and sad. All the time. It never ends, it doesn’t get better, there is no sense of hope. I look into the future and I just see it being like this or worse, an endless stretch of grey misery. There is nothing to make me think, one day it will be better, one day it will be ok, one day you will feel happy again.

On paper anyone would tell me to walk away. He is not a provider- ok so redundancy wasn’t his choice but he has done hardly anything to try and generate income since. He is so lazy, he does the absolute bare minimum at home and seems to think he should be receiving a great deal of praise for that. He is so bad tempered and grumpy, when he is engaged at all. He is selfish with his time and attention and still expects that if I am at home, I am primary parent. It does not occur to him to be any other way and if I ever raise that after six years of it I am tired of always having to put the youngest to bed, he either laughs, or acts as if I am totally unreasonable. If I push it and insist he will be horrible, a shouty, unpleasant man, cause upset, ensure it doesn’t work, and I will still have to do it. He still focuses more on his stupid online game and his associated chatroom than anything else. His relationship with all the kids is rubbish and he can’t see why that’s his own fault. Raise that with him and he is horrible. He is unrealistic and childish with the “don’t worry” stuff and can’t see that refusing to accept any of the worry himself means it all rests on me. Everything rests on me. He has to be told, reminded, helped to do anything. And as a partner he is rubbish. He really is. I have no emotional support at all, very little affection and very little fun. I feel like he wants me to be around so I can pay for everything (and organise, plan, budget for, arrange, think about everything) and be the parent. That’s it. He knows nothing about me and cares less. He wants nothing more than me to provide for our needs. He does not offer sympathy or kindness or interest.

I’m so lonely and so sad and I don’t want to live like this. I don’t see what there is to keep trying for, I don’t know why I am fighting to hold this family together. I would go through anything and do anything if I felt he was also trying. But I don’t feel like that. I don’t feel loved. If I said this to him he would react with the usual contempt, the anger, the insinuation that I am self centred and creating problems. Which in itself tells me all I need to know, doesn’t it? That if I told my husband how awful I felt he would be angry and uncaring.

Why am I doing this? What is the point of this?

OP’s posts: |
Cavagirl Fri 09-Oct-20 17:42:08

I once heard some good advice that there's only two people you need to answer to in life - your seven year old self, and your seventy year old self.
What would they tell you do? What's stopping you?

MikeUniformMike Fri 09-Oct-20 19:10:39

You are doing it because it is what you are used to.

What do you want your life to be like?

Jodie567 Fri 09-Oct-20 20:39:32

I can relate to this 100%... I have an almost identical situation although my partner works and does do bedtime with our children but that is it... Nothing else for them or me.
I feel it hard to know when enough is enough!
He knows how i feel and couldn't care. I understand that most relationships are not exactly balanced perfectly as for most thats not possible, but how do i know if im just being a nag!

Are we stuck in a cycle or is it time to call it a day... I argue with myself but i just don't know.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 09-Oct-20 20:46:21


You have a choice re this man, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?

You are not a nag. He however, is a waste of space.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

I would call it quits also because he could not care less about any of you. What is the point of you two being together at all, there is none.

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