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How well do you get on with Yr ex DH.

(44 Posts)
Ilovetheseventies Fri 09-Oct-20 15:46:22

I've been separated from my DH almost 2.5 yrs which I instigated. I've just signed the divorce papers last week at his request. Since we split up we haven't had much communication but we have three children together.
When we split up he refused to talk about anything to do with us.
It was my birthday two days ago and I actually got a happy birthday via messenger. I think he's maybe relaxing a little and feels as we are divorcing he can let his guard down abit. He's in a new serious relationship.
I was very sad about getting divorced and so I'm going to leave it a couple of weeks but I want us to be able to communicate and be civil to each other. We have three children together and a happy marriage for most of our time together.
How well do you get on with your ex DHs?

OP’s posts: |
Chasingsquirrels Fri 09-Oct-20 15:54:19

I honestly wouldnt care (for me) if he no longer existed, but would care about the impact of that on our children.

We can pass the time of day cordially if we are in the same space, but wouldn't choose to spend time together.

We are amicable about the children, but I suspect on a superficial level.

We text happy birthday to each other, actually I wouldnt bother but he messages me and as his is shortly after mine I message him.

He is just someone I used to share my life with, but is no longer of any consequence to me personally.

seensome Fri 09-Oct-20 15:55:05

Separated from mine 18mths ago divorced early this year, he divorced me. We have 3 children and fortunately he's a good father, pays maintenance and sees the kids twice a week, he'll come in and I'll happily have a cup of tea with him, general chit chat never anything to do with our relationship, I've let it go, don't have any feelings for him which makes it easier.

Zoflorabore Fri 09-Oct-20 16:10:02

We’ve been separated since 2005, 2 weeks after our ds turned 2. He will be 18 in March.

We had to live together for 5 months until I found somewhere new to live which was horrendous and the first couple of years were bad. Lots of nasty messages and arguing and then we sort of grew up a bit, calmed down and have got on great ever since.

He was engaged to someone for a few years and split up and then met his a wife around 7 years ago and they have a 5yr old.

I’ve been with my dp for 12 years and we have a 9yr old. I’ve babysat a few times for his ds who loves us all and ex even came to my mum’s wedding last year.

I would never have believed we could be like that. When we used to go to ds’s parents evenings at secondary school the teachers used to think we were a couple and when we told them otherwise a few of them were surprised and said that it was nice that we could still be friends and be involved with ds’s schooling.

We were young when we got together, 18 and 20 and now at 40 and 42 we’ve never got on better.

tinyvulture Fri 09-Oct-20 16:14:29

Mine was a shit husband but is now one of my best friends. We text and chat fairly frequently (not just about dd) and occasionally meet for a drink just the two of us, as well as doing stuff together with dd quite obvious. We both have new partners tho mine is a very casual thing. His is the woman he had the affair with that finally broke us as a couple - she is not my greatest fan but he is clear she has to accept I am the mother of my child and will always be around.

It’s also worth adding that I have had some MH issues since our split and he has been awesome in terms of support. I will always be grateful.

We got together when we were young (him more than me) and tho there are NO romantic feelings on the either side now, I think of him as family - like a brother really. I know this degree of closeness would not be to many people’s tastes, but it works for us, and for dd.

laughingnow Fri 09-Oct-20 16:19:15

Fine: we have no contact. Ten years have swept by.

IndieTara Fri 09-Oct-20 16:27:18

On the surface we get on. But he makes my skin crawl

AuntieMarys Fri 09-Oct-20 16:29:21

No contact after 6 years divorced. I would happily pay someone to kneecap him.

TiggerDatter Fri 09-Oct-20 16:29:29

I ended it 5 years ago. Both in new relationships.

My XH is a crazy man but now I’m no longer married to him, i find his craziness quite endearing. I care about him as my DDs’ DF and also as a friend. We had some truly awesome times together and also shared some terrible heartache over 30 years. Every time I see him he exasperates and amuses me in equal measure. He’s helpful too. I’m just so glad I’m not married to him any more, I never should have in the first place though we have the DDs so I’m glad I did.

Exchange birthday and Christmas cards, see each other on DDs’ birthdays if that’s what they want.

category12 Fri 09-Oct-20 16:32:26

We get on OK, civil. He generally has a cup of tea while waiting for the kids to be ready to go. We chat a bit.

I'm at the indifferent stage. I don't want to be friends, but I'd probably piss on him if he was on fire.

WooMaWang Fri 09-Oct-20 16:40:09

My exP (who I thankfully never married) and I have no discernible relationship at all. We amicably parent in parallel with minimal need for anything other than informational texts generally. He’s extremely formal in negotiating holiday contact (I get WhatsApp messages that read like emails to colleagues you barely know). It’s all very superficial.

Neither of us acknowledges the other’s birthday. Nor do we chat about anything. If we’re at the same event we’ll just separately talk to people we know and act like we don’t know one another.

If it weren’t for DS, I’d never have given him another thought. He’d just be someone I used to know, and who I never thought about. The apathy is mutual.

WooMaWang Fri 09-Oct-20 16:41:12

category12

We get on OK, civil. He generally has a cup of tea while waiting for the kids to be ready to go. We chat a bit.

I'm at the indifferent stage. I don't want to be friends, but I'd probably piss on him if he was on fire.

I’m indifferent but I’m not sure I’d piss on him if he were on fire. I’d be too busy pretending he doesn’t exist to notice the flames.

BiarritzCrackers Fri 09-Oct-20 16:51:37

Really well, we are just like brother and sister. No attraction, very different ways of seeing the world, and completely incompatible as a relationship. But we have a good laugh together, have similar interests, do lots with DS together - we are a support bubble at the moment, so we're glad to have one another. He can be an absolute arse, and I'm sure he thinks the same of me, but now that the expectation of having to live our lives in parallel has gone, and those 'horrible breakdown of marriage' years are in the past, we are freed up to be mates. The qualities that meant I could not live with him as a partner, are ones I just roll my eyes at now.

Imfromhere Fri 09-Oct-20 17:25:41

Get on fine. He still drives me mad and I could strangle him alot of the time. We should have just stayed friends instead of starting a relationship tbh. We will have a cuppa and a chat when dropping off DC and he will end up staying for dinner or hang out if we had the bbq going over summer etc.

I live with DP and they get on well. Will lend each other "manly things" and help each other out. Even been known to go down the pub for a pint together.

Hes a nice enough guy but just way to selfish to be married too. DC love the fact that we can all get on so well so I am very grateful for that.

jurassicparkaha Fri 09-Oct-20 17:35:25

We stayed friends during the separation (my instigation) and could spend time together with no romantic tension.But he then got a serious gf and I didn't want to make it awkward for her so slowly distanced myself. No children if that helps. He was actually really supportive during the separation when i had some MH and work related issues - for which I'll always be grateful. I think he tried to make up for the fact he was emotionally absent during the marriage.

We are divorced now, and both have other partners. and other than an occasional message every few months we have no more contact. I have no doubt if we bumped into each other we could still have a good catch up but we wouldn't instigate that ourselves. I will always have a lot of affection for him, but he was an awful husband so I don't have any regrets or bad blood. Neither does he.

Lollyneenah Fri 09-Oct-20 18:30:08

I like mine. I dont have any sexual feelings towards him but hes a nice enough person (selfish in a relationship tho) hes just met someone hes really serious about and I'm genuinely happy for him. We share 1 dd so have worked hard to compromise and get on since splitting.
*this option is not available if your ex is an abusive bastarf

KLF6 Fri 09-Oct-20 18:35:25

We get on ok but don’t have too much contact nowadays as child grown up. We had our moments in the first few years though.

Nimello Fri 09-Oct-20 18:37:43

IndieTara

On the surface we get on. But he makes my skin crawl

This.

Ilovetheseventies Fri 09-Oct-20 18:39:30

Some really positive stories here and I think when children are involved that matters.
My Ex and I never really argued or talked about the break up, I tried but I just came up against a brick wall I think that's why I've not really tried to have much contact with him. But after 3 years we need to have a better relationship my children are older though 19,18 and 16.
So that is what I need to think about.

OP’s posts: |
Ilovetheseventies Fri 09-Oct-20 18:40:20

I've said 3 years but that's if I include the living together for six months before separating *

OP’s posts: |
DilemmaDerby Fri 09-Oct-20 18:44:01

We are amicable for the kids and can chat and get on fine. It’s a good think because there will (hopefully) be shared events in the future - weddings, uni graduation etc. It’s a good lesson for the kids, fighting destroys only the kids.

I just have to remember not to ask him to actually see them regularly or pay anything hmm

TippledPink Fri 09-Oct-20 18:48:04

Ex1 (DD13 and DS14) get on fine, don't spend time together but able to communicate and be civil, gives me travel advice (he is in the industry), etc.

EX2 (DD9) I hate with a passion, I can't answer the door to him as I want to shout at him every time. He is useless. Hasn't paid Maintenance for a year now. I think if he paid maintenance I would be less angry with him. As others have said, he also makes my skin crawl.

lonelySam Fri 09-Oct-20 18:51:54

@Ilovetheseventies why do you think you need to have a better relationship with your ExH especially as the kids are old enough to manage their relationships with either of you on their own? It is not only your decision and you have to respect that he might not want to have anything to do with you.
For the record, I am still living with my ExP but cannot wait to move out so that we don't ever need to speak again unless it is about the DC smile

GalaxyCookieCrumble Fri 09-Oct-20 18:54:20

We hate each other no loved lost at all, he thinks nothing about ghosting his own kids for months, then wonders why he is hated by them.

Stegasaurusmum Fri 09-Oct-20 19:08:17

Early days for us, only 6 months.. We are amicable, I do him lots of favours, he'll do the odd one like looking after our son if I need to take our daughter somewhete later in the evening, we text about the kids etc...

But he does my head in, he's uncommunicative, emotionally stunted, leaves all the organising to me... But if I keep reminding myself that he's not my problem anymore it's fine. I'd love to get to the point where we can be friends and do Xmas and birthdays together, I'd be OK with this but it's my feelings that went, not his, so he's finding it too hard and the dynamic we have just makes me want to punch him as I feel so resentful at how useless he is with the kids..
Maybe one day. We have to do Xmas together this year, I'm just hoping to survive it!

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