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My heart feels shattered :'(

(338 Posts)
SophieH12 Fri 09-Oct-20 11:42:23

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! smile
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

OP’s posts: |
TroublesomeTownHouse Fri 09-Oct-20 11:47:01

I'm really sorry but it sounds like he might have met someone else.

He seems to be re-writing history. Plus the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is such a cliche.

I hope I'm wrong OP and so sorry that you are going through this.

Tilly566 Fri 09-Oct-20 11:53:13

I'm so sorry. It must feel like you've had the rug pulled from under you. He may well have met someone else and it does sound possible that that is the problem. In addition to this , telling you that you're old at 30... And he can commit to another ten years and then leave? He sounds cruel to me. He sounds like an utter prick.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've felt like you have and it's one of the hardest things I've ever went through but I left and I feel so much better now ....

You can't give this man ten more weeks of your life, let alone ten more years... How can you trust him ever again?

I'm so sorry xxxx

seensome Fri 09-Oct-20 11:55:09

Let him go, sorry but don't try and hold on to someone that doesn't love you, he's been very cruel and immature to you saying you're old (you're not) and 30 is still young and you have plenty of time to meet another man who will love you.
Don't wait around for him put you and your children first.

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 09-Oct-20 11:56:14

He doesn't love you because 'you're old'? At 30??

How fucking dare he...

Looking at the faint positive, maybe he's just got cold feet about the wedding? Maybe looking down the barrel of marriage has made him realise the enormity of what he's about to do? But you've got three kids, that's more of a tie than marriage...

I'd tend to agree with Troublesome, he's got his eye on someone else. All I can advise is that you toughen up. You DON'T play the 'pick me' game, you don't start being needy and telling him how much you love him. Detach as much and as fast as you can. He may realise what he's got to lose and see sense.

WineLife Fri 09-Oct-20 11:59:35

As hard and heart breaking as it is I think you need to take back some of the power. If he’s telling you these things he can’t expect you to just accept living a half life for the next ten years. Build up a bit of an emotional walk around yourself and call his bluff! Tell him he can leave, you don’t want him around. Start to make plans for how you will split time with the children, where he will live etc. Either it will give him a sharp wake up call or if it is all falling apart it will put you one foot ahead so that he cannot walk all over you!

Nosnogginginthekitchen Fri 09-Oct-20 12:00:11

I am so sorry but I agree with PP. My ex rewrote history to "I'm not sure i ever really loved you" qhen what he meant was "I fancy the woman at work".
It is heartbreaking. You have every right to feel this way. But it won't change the results, so feel your feelings but keep your dignity if you can - begging will do nothing so turn to your family and friends, cry and scream and write it all down, then do your best for the kids to keep things vaguely amicable. It's what I'm most proud of now I'm a year down the line - my children haven't suffered more than they absolutely had to and that is due to me not saying snd doing all the things I desperately wanted to but that would have truend the whole thing into a shitstorm.

Grit your teeth, love, this bit is awful but you will survive it.

maras2 Fri 09-Oct-20 12:00:30

Cherchez la (much younger) femme.
Sorry. sad

WineLife Fri 09-Oct-20 12:01:21

I also agree it sounds very much like he’s had his head turned and agree with Zaphodsotherhead...definitely don’t fall into the pick me trap!!

Dontletitbeyou Fri 09-Oct-20 12:05:37

So he’s 31 and he’s not attracted to you because you are too old . Ffs what a dick . What’s he looking for ,a teenager ?
And he can commit to 10 years then he an leave once the kids are older .
He honestly sounds like he has some real issues , as well as being very cruel and like he doesn’t care about you at all .
Think it’s highly likely he’s met someone else, and is giving you the usual run down of stupid lies . Keep your dignity and leave him, he’s not going to be anything like decent husband material , never .

Anordinarymum Fri 09-Oct-20 12:06:02

OP Do you think he might have met someone else who is possibly much younger? Perhaps at work ? I would say to keep your eyes and ears open, and not to allow his comments designed to hurt you affect how you deal with this situation.

HollowTalk Fri 09-Oct-20 12:06:20

I agree - look for a 21 year old woman. How dare he say you're too old when you're younger than he is?

This sudden change is almost always due to there being someone else on the scene, OP. Say nothing yet but start to investigate.

TOFO1965 Fri 09-Oct-20 12:11:16

I can utterly understand why your heart is shattered, alas he is not going to put it back together again. I know you're in shock, but this relationship is over. He's a ghastly man, just not what you thought, the betrayal is fierce. One day at a time, you WILL heal, but he is gone from you 💚

Windmillwhirl Fri 09-Oct-20 12:11:47

I'm so sorry you are hurting. This is a terrible shock. People will always jump to there being another woman, but if he was still keen to marry you a few weeks ago then he must have been totally bowled over to cancel all that. Of course he could have been lying to you then.

I think the saddest thing is you had no idea. Is this really totally out of the blue?

I think, sadly, you need to start moving towards acceptance. Your breaking down crying may work in the short term, but it won't long term.

I hope you have some real life support to help you through this. His insults re your age are cruel and unnecessary. It makes me wonder if he really has been such a great partner.

CorianderLord Fri 09-Oct-20 12:12:15

So is he going to keep chasing women in their 20s and then leave them at 30? Even when he's 60? Gross

crochetmonkey74 Fri 09-Oct-20 12:12:32

yes OP I think there is probably someone else- any younger women than you that he is friends with/ works with?

ilikemethewayiam Fri 09-Oct-20 12:14:52

You’re too old at 30 but he isn’t old at 31? So what he’s saying is he wants a younger woman (if he doesn’t already have one). That’s immature, misogynist and shallow. It may not feel like it now, but he’s doing you a favour.

Sorry OP, it sounds harsh but you need to accept it and start planning a new life for yourself. Please don’t lose your dignity by begging and pleading. It’s humiliating. Let him go, and you go find someone who values you exactly the way to you are (as Marc Darcy would say!)

Marimaur Fri 09-Oct-20 12:16:56

I don’t necessarily think he’s met someone else and it’s unhealthy/unhelpful to suggest he has. The point is, he isn’t committed to your future together and you deserve better than that. Set an example to your children and don’t let people treat you like this.

Plussizejumpsuit Fri 09-Oct-20 12:18:32

TroublesomeTownHouse

I'm really sorry but it sounds like he might have met someone else.

He seems to be re-writing history. Plus the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is such a cliche.

I hope I'm wrong OP and so sorry that you are going through this.

This is exactly my thinking. This whole re writing history is awful for you. It just messes with your head as you question everything that's happened in the relationship. I'm really sorry this is happening.

I know it's not that simple but my love for someone would change massively if the said this shit to me. Wft is he talking about with you being old at 31?!

longcoffeebreak Fri 09-Oct-20 12:18:36

What a twat he is

Luckingfovely Fri 09-Oct-20 12:19:22

I feel desperately sorry for you, but agree with everyone else that there is more to this sudden change than meets the eye. It may well be that you'll never get the truth behind this, and you will have to accept that.

All you can work with now is the facts: he has treated you appallingly, and doesn't want to be with you any more. It is over. That's it.

Next steps are acceptance, making proper plans for the future, protecting your children and yourself. Taking back control and refusing to let yourself be treated like a fool are good first steps. Tell him to leave, and start making arrangements.

I know it is heartbreaking - but the sooner you face up to it, the sooner you can start to heal and rebuild. Lean on your real life support network, and of course you'll always have MN.

VictoriaBun Fri 09-Oct-20 12:19:41

I agree with others , he has had his head turned by someone younger / or at least is having an EA with a younger woman.
Call his bluff , don't do the pick me dance , instead tell him not to bother with the putting himself out for 10 years , he can leave now. Don't forget to remind him the children are still a shared responsibility and what weekends does he want them for ?

frazzledasarock Fri 09-Oct-20 12:23:11

There's a younger woman who he is screwing around with. Does he hang out with/mentioned any 19 year olds recently?

You are not in any shape or form 'old', thirty is when most women are gorgeous and full of confidence and physically at your peak.

Take a step back for a bit, gather around friends to rally around RL support.

Take one day at a time. Stop begging him, think about making your life the perfect without a gaslighting, rude abusive arsehole. If you are old at 30 what's he at 31?

Start putting money aside for you and your DC, start stockpiling essentials, do you own your house? If you rent can you take the property on yourself?
Look at practicalities.

Stop begging to get a man who is telling the mother of his children that she is old at 30, and who has claimed he has hated being with her and doesn't love her enough to stay. Don't scrabble for crumbs from this man who has told you he will stay till you are forty latest and then leave you. You will regret not having kicked his ass out the first time he told you he doesn't love you.

You don't want to feel like this arsehat has 'settled' for you, you do not want to be tiptoeing around him letting him do whatever he wants in case he leaves you. slam the door on his smug lying little face (hard).

SophieH12 Fri 09-Oct-20 12:23:49

I sound so crazily in denial but I don't believe he has met anyone else. He is not one for social media etc and he would happily let me go on his phone etc if I wanted. Not that I ever felt the need to search for anything, as I have honestly felt that secure with him.
I know everyone he works with. He is a manager and works on a small team of 6. I'm good friends with them all and most of the time he works from home, so he is never away from me to cheat...if that makes sense? He doesnt have a social life, he works really hard and he has been a great family man all these years. He was never really one who desired to be out with friends etc.
I'm just finding it so hard to digest. We have a perfect little family. We made so many dreams and plans and I just felt so safe and secure with him.
Of course along the years we had disagreements but I never felt hatred towards him.
We would bicker over trivia things, nothing ever serious.
He tells me he is bored of me and is "used" to me.
Dont get me wrong I dont look the same as I used to when we first met but I work nights and when i get home i only have 2 hours sleep before i take the children to school. I then spend the day sorting the house out before I collect the kids from school/then go to work again, so I guess I look like a MOMbie most of the time! But my heart has always been in the right place and if anything my love has grown stronger for him over these years.

I just cant get my head around it and its hurting so much. It would be easier to accept if there have been signs before this but when every month we have been so excited planning our wedding, my heart feels like it's been stabbed a million times hearing this come from his mouth.

He said he cares about me but feels like he needs to now tell me the truth.

So it's such a heartbreaking situation to be in.

OP’s posts: |
justilou1 Fri 09-Oct-20 12:24:42

Fuck that shit! How patronizing can you get??? “He can give you ten years and then leave...” He can fuck that off!!!
I think you need to give him a massive reality check and tell him that you are not going to waste your youth on someone who doesn’t want to hang around, so he can go now. You want to be available for someone who appreciates you now, thanks. He had better get his shit together pretty damn quick because he’s not going to have you running around looking after him anymore, and he’s going to have to step up to look after the kids 50/50 and give you the time and space YOU need to get on with YOUR life. (See how he likes that!!!)

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