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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Meaning of 'make the relationship less intense'

51 replies

namechange7890 · 09/10/2020 09:28

If you are in a relationship with someone and have been not getting along as well as you once did, and they say they want things to get better, be more fun and 'less intense' - what would you take from that?

I get the more fun, less arguing and drama, but what is the meaning of making the relationship less intense, does he not like me anymore? Or is it giving each other space. I am a bit confused.

OP posts:

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Wheelyyyy · 09/10/2020 09:45

I think it means...have more light hearted exchanges as in....not give the heavy topics of conversation to much airtime at this point. Give each others brains and hearts a rest. He may be flooded and head not clear. Caring /loving you but sad about any negative exchanges.
Remind each other of the things you loved to do together, your common ground, things that made you laugh together, places you liked to see. Things that brought about good feelings.
Tough times can deplete, flood, wreck heads and overwhelm.

Thats my take on that sentence

TiggerDatter · 09/10/2020 09:47

Ask him what he meant? And what @Wheelyyyy said

Wheelyyyy · 09/10/2020 09:50

Just to add...im in the same position. Im glad you posted because its made me think about what that sentence means. Sorry youve both had a rough time. Without knowing your circumstances i reccommend for that we give ourselves a break and remember all the good things, good times, common ground...give our own heads and hearts a break.

Gilda152 · 09/10/2020 09:55

Chill out?

namechange7890 · 09/10/2020 09:58

Thanks Wheelyyyy I think you are right.. it's coming from a place of wanting to make things better but of course my female mind is trying to find the worst and signs that I'm not liked/loved anymore!

That does make complete sense and now I think back, all of that was likely said too.. I just hung on certain words that have hurt me even though I don't think they were meant that way... more as a way to improve and move forwards.

Best of luck to you and I hope your situation improves as well

OP posts:

Michaelbaubles · 09/10/2020 09:58

I’d pull right back and go back to dating if I could. Arrange dates and keep conversation light in between times. Try to keep busy and reclaim your own life outside dates - I know it’s hard at the moment but someone whose entire focus is a relationship can be a difficult person to be in a relationship with - people are more interesting if they have their own lives. See it as a liberation rather than a rebuke. Men sometimes need time to retreat and be alone, it’s not necessarily a sign they’re tired of you.

ComicePear · 09/10/2020 10:26

Firstly, I assume you haven't been together very long? I think this is an acceptable thing to say to someone after a few months but not after a few years.

I don't think it means that someone doesn't like / love you any more, but it does sound as if they might be trying to slow things down a bit. For example, if you've been discussing moving in together or a similar milestone, I would take it to mean that he wants to step back from that and leave it a bit longer.

TheStoic · 09/10/2020 10:44

It’s means he’s here for a good time, not a long time.

Whitehorsewaves · 09/10/2020 10:50

Sorry but I think it sounds like he's trying to back away gently. If he finds the relationship intense now (presumably in the early stage?) its not the right fit for him.

I've just heard a guy use this phrase with someone and he's trying to move the relationship to a FWB situation and start seeing others people.

I'm guessing that's not what you want to hear but might be more realistic and give you a chance to protect yourself emotionally.

iluvgab · 09/10/2020 10:56

I think it could be him trying to pull away with a view to ending the relationship with you.
What are the circumstances? How long have you been together? Do you live together? If you don't live together how often do you see each other? etc.
The best thing to do would be to ask him what he means. What does he want the relationship to look like? If he doesn't want to communicate further about what he means or tries to say that you asking what he mean is an example of you being "too intense" then I'd say that it probably doesn't have much future.

AnnaFour · 09/10/2020 10:59

Wanting things to be 'less intense' would suggest to me there is a lot of heavy and serious discussions and issues, as well as arguments and disagreements. Arguing and drama ARE intense things though. Perhaps there have also been lots of early declarations of intensely positive feelings like love and that sort of thing?

How long have you been together? What have the problems been? Without that context, it's a bit hard to say but the above would be my best guess.

unicornparty · 09/10/2020 11:00

I would take it as 'be less needy'. Would you say you were needy op? Are you rushing ahead making long term plans early into a relationship?

namechange7890 · 09/10/2020 11:01

He has insisted he doesn't want us to cool it off or see other people. Now I'm worried again.

We have been fighting a lot over pointless stuff and not having fun like we used to. I thought maybe he wanted to get back to that like he said... Now I'm back to thinking there was a hidden meaning and he wants to break up.. even when he's said it's the opposite.

OP posts:

TeaOneSugar · 09/10/2020 11:02

Now long is the relationship?

Whitehorsewaves · 09/10/2020 11:03

Are you still sleeping with him? if so he's probably saying that to keep you sweet so he will continue to get all the nice bits of the relationship.

Supersimkin2 · 09/10/2020 11:07

Have sex with you but not listen to what you're saying.

namechange7890 · 09/10/2020 11:17

What he said was very much around putting too much pressure on each other. He said it doesn't change how we feel and he doesn't want that to change just to get along again and be less quick to snap about things which I do understand.

We don't live together and lockdown has brought so much stress into both of our lives.

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SoulofanAggron · 09/10/2020 11:19

He wants to use you for sex and nothing more.

Bunnymumy · 09/10/2020 11:19

If I say it it means 'back the fuck up and give me some space'. But if I'm saying that its probably because I'm feeling smothered. Which may be because things are moving too fast.

But it may also mean that the person isn't looking for something this 'serious' with you. He may like the fun side of things because that's all it is, fun. But the arguments ect...drive home to him that you require a deeper connection, that just isn't there for him.

I guess it depends on his other actions.
Does he make you feel secure in the relationship vs does he act vaguely or even, name drop other woman making you feel insecure? Did the relationship form organically over time vs was it a whirlwind (and now feelings might be cooling?) Do his actions match up consistently with his words? Ect...

Heffalooomia · 09/10/2020 11:22

I would ask him if he could explain a bit more about what he means and what he wants, ask him to give examples etc

Heffalooomia · 09/10/2020 11:24

And then think about whether what you want is compatible with what he wants, whether there is a basis for a relationship

WhatzTheCraic · 09/10/2020 11:34

I actually said this to an ex at one point. In our case, it was that my ex was over-analyisng our relationship the whole time and constantly starting arguments about small things. It didn't feel fun anymore. That doesn't mean I didn't still love him though. I just wanted to see the lighthearted side of him more.

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grapewine · 09/10/2020 11:35

Agree with PP. I'd take it to mean 'here for a good time, not a long time.' He wants the easy bits of a relationship.

Heffalooomia · 09/10/2020 11:38

@grapewine

Agree with PP. I'd take it to mean 'here for a good time, not a long time.' He wants the easy bits of a relationship.

Which is fine as long as you're both getting the easybits of the relationship....
I suspect it's going to be light-hearted and fun for him but angst and emotional turmoil for her 🤔

namechange7890 · 09/10/2020 11:44

@WhatzTheCraic

I actually said this to an ex at one point. In our case, it was that my ex was over-analyisng our relationship the whole time and constantly starting arguments about small things. It didn't feel fun anymore. That doesn't mean I didn't still love him though. I just wanted to see the lighthearted side of him more.

This is pretty much what was said.. it wasn't that I need to be less intense... it was that we both do, and need to stop jumping at each other about things.

So I hope it isn't what some of these posts are saying and I'm being used! I don't think he would ever do that..

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