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Only myself to blame...

(41 Posts)
Lonelynow Thu 08-Oct-20 11:36:57

Ok so I've posted about my messy situation before. Link here, its a long one.

I'll recap it here. Basically my partner of 10 years went out one night and didn't come home, turns out he had stayed with a younger woman he met at work. He left to move in with her 5 days later. Lots of other lies and mind games along the way. This was 2 months ago.

He then left her I'm not sure exactly when because he's told me different and been caught out lying several times, I've since found out she actually left him because it was too much drama with me and he'd already started trying to manipulate her and being mean to her.

Just over a week ago something happened with him which was quite traumatic anr he gravitated back towards me. Saying all the right things, he's been stupid, the universe keeps trying to tell him we're meant to be together, he wanted to take things slow and see where it goes. Me being completely in love with him and having absolutely no respect for myself slept with him, cooked him meals, let him stay here, bought him a birthday gift. I truly had this stupid idea in my head that we'd been brought back together for a reason. I know, I know. I sound like a teenager, I've always been a hopeless romantic and like I say I'm completely in love with him.

Everything was going well until Tuesday evening. He had been off work, so wasn't around her but went back on Monday. He started being distant again, taking forever to reply to messages, saying he was coming over then canceling, then sent a message saying he thinks that I think he's coming back to me and our flat again and he isn't yesterday after lots of conversations about taking things slow and being together again. I'm fairly certain he's seeing her again.

I messaged him last night just asking him to be honest because I was under the impression things were going better. He replied asking better for who though me or him and said sometimes he doesn't know what to say to me. I said i could see where it's going again and he said it's not really again though is it. I haven't replied or heard anything since.

I feel so stupid. I realize this all sounds so juvenile and as the title says I've only myself to blame. I knew all along I was only second best but pushed it to the back of my mind. He's completely used me and dropped me again and I feel so worthless. Why would I allow him to treat me this way? What is wrong with me.

Anyway I don't know why I'm posting this because I already know what the responses will be. I'm absolutely stupid.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Thu 08-Oct-20 11:41:41

Oh, be kind to yourself. Take some time to regroup and maybe look at counselling?

Do some rebuilding of your self esteem so you never let anyone treat you like this again, and make sure if he comes back sniffing around you shut him down hard.

TiggerDatter Thu 08-Oct-20 11:44:12

Ah go easy on yourself OP. You're human flowers

That said, delete all his messages and block him - this is your opportunity having not answered (well done!). He is selfish and unkind, a user. You are in love with an ideal and he is most definitely not it. Going NC will hurt in the short term but my word it will be worth it!

TwentyViginti Thu 08-Oct-20 11:44:46

You gave it another chance and he soon reverted to type. That's it, really.

Mintjulia Thu 08-Oct-20 11:45:21

Regrets are pointless so start now.

Delete him from all your accounts and block him.
Give the flat a good clean. Stick anything of his in a binbag out of sight. Move the furniture around. Change the smell of the place. Make it different.

Then move on. Find yourself a new class or make contact with some old girlfriends. Buy some different food and make a new recipe.

He no longer exists. 2021 is going to be a much better year. Until then enjoy some me-time. Polish yourself up. Boost your confidence. Save some money brew

Lonelynow Thu 08-Oct-20 11:49:33

@category12 that's the thing, I thought I had rebuilt some self esteem. I had lost weight, started making more effort with my appearance, dressing completely differently, felt so much more confident in myself and really thought I had turned a corner. It was obviously all superficial though as I allowed myself to get dragged back down again. Thank you, I am on the waiting list for counciling x

OP’s posts: |
ravenmum Thu 08-Oct-20 11:51:11

Gosh, if we all learned our lessons first time around, we'd all be geniuses.
Sounds like he also felt good about your relationship until he saw OW - maybe this "who is it good for" thing came from something she said.
Write it down so that next time, if there is one, you have a reminder of why it's not a good idea.

Lonelynow Thu 08-Oct-20 11:55:52

@tiggerdatter messages have been deleted. I've really struggled to go no contact until now but I don't even have anything to say to him anymore. He seems to have no conscience.

I don't have many friends here, I'm very far from home and unable to move back at the moment. Trying to stay positive got my music on and trying to keep busy but tbe tears keep coming. Just feel like why am I not enough sad

@twentyviginti you are so right. I wanted to believe the man I loved for 10 years still existed, but he doesn't.

@mintjulia thank you. I've gotten up today and am actually painting my bathroom and going over all my woodwork trying to keep busy. Doesn't help I've been made redundant and currently on garden leave until December.

OP’s posts: |
Lonelynow Thu 08-Oct-20 12:02:00

@ravenmum no if I'm honest I feel like he thought he had no chance with her and was keeping me on a string, hence the taking things slow until he seen if he could talk her round. It's a horrible feeling knowing I gave him everything for 10 years, I gave him all of my 20s, and I'm just a backup plan now sad. Fell so awful about myself.

OP’s posts: |
Arrivederla Thu 08-Oct-20 12:05:40

Op - be kind to yourself. You have made a brilliant start here - keep going one day at a time. flowers

Lonelynow Thu 08-Oct-20 12:20:33

@arrivederla thank you. I really do just feel so worthless today sad. I really thought he had realized what we had but I know now I've just been used again x

OP’s posts: |
Pyewhacket Thu 08-Oct-20 12:39:39

There was a scene in the last Strike Series : " if you wanted a hot meal and a shag with no human emotions there are restaurants and brothels. But if you're not prepared to pay for it then at least have the decency to treat that person with a minimum of respect. A call to say you won't be calling again, breaking up with somebody by telling them, not just hiding. This is how it's done you fucking coward , face to face.

Remember , this man is not on your side. He's a rather grubby user and not even subtle about it. He has no respect or concern for you. He is a fucking coward. Keep that in your mind if you ever meet or he calls you with some bullshit story because another woman has kicked him out of her bed. Tell him, this is how it's done. And I'm no coward.

TiggerDatter Thu 08-Oct-20 12:43:45

You're doing brilliantly OP, well done. Be proud of yourself. He was not worthy of you, not good enough for you at all.

anonnnnni Thu 08-Oct-20 12:52:29

OP, well done for standing strong on this occasion!

Agree with other posters: sometimes you have to learn the lesson twice for it to sink in. Don’t beat yourself up even further.

Lists are useful. Write down all the things that you didn’t like about him- aside from the flipping obvious cock lodging, responsibility dodging wankiness you have written about on here. Refer to that list in every weak moment and remind yourself that the future without him is much better than where you have been.

Also agree with a pp about change. New bedding, new fragrance, rearrange your sofa, change something about your routine. Change is as good as a rest. Be kind to yourself- kinder than you’re being in your post.

Wishing you well.

JustCallMeGriffin Thu 08-Oct-20 13:09:54

You're not a back up plan if you don't let yourself be one.

Giving someone a second chance just makes you a decent person who is willing to believe that someone is capable of change.

Your "partner" has proven he's really not, and that he doesn't see you in the same way that you see him...even if he does have feelings for you he might, he's still an arse though

Stop letting him drag you down, block contact or if there's a reason for contact be completely cold and factual. If you need to rant or a hand hold come on here, there's always someone listening.

Day 1 of a life without his lies and manipulation can be today if you want it to be flowers

Lonelynow Thu 08-Oct-20 14:54:33

@pyewhacket. Thank you I needed to hear that.

I have already done the whole new bedding, new candles, moving furniture about. He took absolutely everything of his when he left, and I have put all gifts he got me out of sight. Yet I still let him back to put me through more pain angry.

@justcallmegriffin he has definitely proven himself now. I genuinely believed he had had a wakeup call and realized the grass isn't always greener.
No more chances. I can't keep putting myself through this, I'm not strong enough.

OP’s posts: |
FinallyHere Thu 08-Oct-20 16:13:21

* What is wrong with me.*

Oh lovely, it is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is just not good enough for you.

Meanwhile, go easy on yourself

BestOption Thu 08-Oct-20 16:25:45


Don't look BACK, look forward.

Loving someone isn't enough. You cannot 'love them' into being decent human beings

It's the rare person who learns their lesson the first time!! I'm 51, still learning & trying to act on things I know!

You're younger than you think/feel right now. Don't let him use you any more! Be strong for your own good, you deserve SO much more than his scraps! Sorry I know that's hard to hear 😢

Lozzerbmc Thu 08-Oct-20 18:56:37

Dont be so hard on yourself. You gave it a go - he’s not worthy of you simple as that. Do things that make you feel good. Exercise/chocolate etc! Decorating is a great idea. Good luck flowers

seensome Thu 08-Oct-20 19:14:00

Don't be hard on yourself, you have him a second chance but he's ruined it so now you know that he can never change. If it makes you feel better, you already know they have toxic relationship and they have the same morals so let them have each other. You will have a much better life without him, difficult as it seems now but you will, now is the beginning of your new life.

Porcupine83 Thu 08-Oct-20 19:14:45

flowers for you. As others have said, be kind to yourself. HE is the one who is worthless. Take all the negative emotions you feel towards yourself for trusting him, and direct them at him! (Internally, obviously, don’t make contact.) You should be asking what is wrong with HIM not yourself! He absolutely doesn’t deserve your love. Scumbag. You’ve had a lucky escape.

Lonelynow Thu 08-Oct-20 21:25:54

Thank you all for your kind words. I just feel so stupid that I've allowed myself to be used like this.

2 months ago I never would have dreamed he would put me through any of this sad. He said to me "you know who I want and who I don't want, let's not beat about the bush". I've tried my best not to torture myself with that, but just keep thinking why not me 😭.

He's gaslighting and downplaying all the things he said to me over the past week, said he regrets sleeping with me and caught up in the moment as if it was only one time hmm. He really thinks he can pick me up and drop me as he pleases as when I told him I didn't want to see or speak to him again, he said yeah right like that'll happen you'll be texting me moaning again in an hour sad. I haven't contacted him though, I am finding it very difficult.

OP’s posts: |
Monty27 Thu 08-Oct-20 21:59:59

OP you'll love yourself later for getting rid ASAP he's no catch and brings nothing but grief
Be good to yourself, it's unlikely he knows how to be good to anybody
Get rid of him.

ZaphodDent Thu 08-Oct-20 22:16:22

Life is for living. We throw ourselves out there and try to be the best we can be. We open our souls to those we believe we can trust, and to those who tell us we can trust them. The alternative is we hide in our rooms and life passes us by.

When someone abuses our vulnerability, betrays us, that doesn't make us stupid, that makes them massive twats.

You sound like a really lovely person who deserves someone equally lovely. Not him.

Closetbeanmuncher Thu 08-Oct-20 22:24:36

If you get rid of this trash once and for all I promise you will have a level of respect for yourself, and confidence you've never experienced before.

You say you've wasted your 20s on him, don't waste your 30s too. Get back into your exercise and self care and block the number.

It's not about 'choosing' with chancers like him, they just gravitate to whoever will put up with their shit. Don't be that person.

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