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Body image, lack of sex + aspergers ?

(36 Posts)
Veryconfusednow Thu 08-Oct-20 10:50:55

Been seeing my boyfriend for a year. It started off great - always does, right?

In the beginning he was very affectionate and loving. Seemed to want the same things

He was clearly very attracted. Without wanting to sound arrogant, most men are and I find it annoying - the unwanted attention for how I look, rather than who I am. Bring on old age so I won’t have to deal with over excited men in the workplace or on the street confused

Anyway I have mentioned this only because while my boyfriend was very clearly attracted, he wasn’t sure if he would find my body attractive. I was a size 10 with a tiny belly from bloating due to food intolerance and not going to the gym as regularly as I used to.

We had sex and everything seemed fine. He told me he loved me and things were going well.

When lockdown happened, he suddenly announced that he never found my body attractive, and he wanted to break up.

Shortly afterwards he said he didn’t know what he was doing. We made up, he reassured me he found me attractive and I said I would workout more, as I knew I put on some weight.

However we have had sex only a few times since then and he’s admitted to finding my face beautiful but can’t find my body attractive in the way it is.

I’m a size10-12 and my BMI is healthy. I could do with losing a tiny amount of weight and toning up though.

I can’t accept that I’m too fat or untoned for my bf to sleep with me and I refuse to have sex anyway.

He was a virgin until his 30s and admitted to only enjoying sex with one woman. He’s in his 40s now.

I suspect he has aspergers- so have other people in his family and ex gfs. I’ve also read many people with aspergers end up in sexless relationships.

He said not long ago that we need to acceptwe won’t have good sex in the near future, although we may do in the distant future. And that he loves me and wants to be with me. And we could procreate to have children.

Even if I develop the body he finds attractive, I’m not sure I can bring myself to have sex with him after this.

Has anyone experienced anything like this?

I’m just dreading having to start over again and meet someone new. Late 30s - it’s getting really tiring now and the dating apps are horrendous. Not many other ways of meeting men at the mo.

Maybe this is why it’s taking me so long to end a relationship that clearly isn’t working.

Or can it be salvaged in some way?

OP’s posts: |
SBTLove Thu 08-Oct-20 10:53:30

Sorry, but ffs, why are you trying to find a reason for him being a nasty arsehole?
My DS has Aspergers and is a a lovely kind person, Aspergers, Adhd etc isn’t an excuse to be a cunt.
I’m sure he’s a stunning adonis perfect in every way!!
Get rid, move on.

PineappleUpsideDownCake Thu 08-Oct-20 10:58:00

Run a mile. He may have laid out what he is thinkkng but this isnt going to work for you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your body.

He may well have interesting wiring and have his own hang ups and issues about sex but do you really want to be the one he works them out with.

Be 100% clear in your mind its his issues and not your your body.

I think in your position I would say you're not compatible.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 08-Oct-20 11:01:21

What the previous poster wrote. Do not try and work out why he is the ways he is
When someone tells you who they are it pays to believe them. Your understanding of Asperger syndrome is very poor and I dare say he is not on any autistic spectrum at all. You cannot assume this and besides which autism does not equal abusive behaviour

Get rid and move on.

Love your own self for a change and consider counselling with regards to raising your too low relationship bar

wannabebump Thu 08-Oct-20 11:03:16

Run and don't look back. What a horrid person!

30s is not an issue either, and you deserve a million times better than that, Aspergers or not. He has issues he needs to deal with.

If you want to lose some weight, fine. If you want to go to the gym, fine. If you want to eat a ton of carbs, fine. Your body, your choice - don't be bullied into doing certain things, to look a certain way for someone else.x

Degustibusnonestdisputandem1 Thu 08-Oct-20 11:03:41

I'm an aspie and no, it's definitely not an excuse to be a shit. Whilst I'm bigger than I'm comfortable with atm... doesn't stop my high sex drive...

redvest Thu 08-Oct-20 11:03:55


wontgetfooledagain123 Thu 08-Oct-20 11:08:52

I have a thread up atm where like you, I'm battling a man child. And have realised the only reason I have put up with it and trying to rationalise it, is because i'm mid 30s and so fed up of dating. So meeting a half way decent one makes me question if I should try to fix it.

That thinking in itself is a wake up call of how low I've fallen! You know the answer to your question is to cut and run. He has far too many issues/hang ups to be a loving, equal partner (and his Asperger's has nothing to do with those). Life alone can be lonely, but life where you're unfulfilled sexually, feel insecure, do the emotional weight lifting and he can still leave anyway - is soul destroying.

Your man is too old to change. I'm keeping the faith that there is someone out there who can be a good partner, and I just need to carry on wading through the sewage to find him. You should too. Good luck in your search, but dump this one.

ChaChaCha2012 Thu 08-Oct-20 11:13:18

I’ve also read many people with aspergers end up in sexless relationships.

Where have you read this? It's crap.

Not every man will fancy you, and that's not a reflection on you, it's normal. He wants a friend and baby mother, not a full relationship. If that's not going to work for you, then you need to leave.

LadyGAgain Thu 08-Oct-20 11:33:56

He is a dick.
End it.
The end.

Joy69 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:39:48

He sounds difficult. Get away before he ruins your self esteem.Be careful of putting labels on people to excuse bad behaviour. My brother ( & partner) are both aspies. Neither are unkind, or nasty, but have their quirks, as we all do.They say what they think. I could take offence at times, but I know it's not through malice so we laugh about it. Ie After an aweful nights sleep camping my partner said "Omg the bags under your eyes are massive ". To be fair he was right. Not a dig at me, but an observation. If you decide to stay with him & he is an aspie could you cope with how he is? If the answer is no, then call time on the relationship.

widespreadpanic Thu 08-Oct-20 12:50:33

Well since most men are attracted to you , you shouldn’t have a problem dropping the current one and finding a new one.

Otterhound Thu 08-Oct-20 12:59:26

He could well be gay.
But anyway he has an unrealistic view of women's bodies but he if he doesnt like yours he doesnt like yours it and its your choice to leave.he wont change

CarolVordermansBum Thu 08-Oct-20 13:09:45

Jesus christ I wouldn't stay in that relationship if you paid me.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella Thu 08-Oct-20 13:16:29

Please leave this awful man. Please, please don't accept what he says - that you need to accept that the sex won't be good. I've had the best sex ever during my 40s, and can only assume that it will get better and better as I go through the next decade..

Life is too short to have awful / non-existent sex.

BubblyBarbara Thu 08-Oct-20 13:44:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sexboardsafename Thu 08-Oct-20 15:36:35

My husband is autistic. I am several stone overweight and have hormone issues so hairier than average. He still worships my body when we have sex and we do so frequently,

His autism isn’t an excuse to make you feel bad about your body. Sexless relationships are not my idea of fun and in my opinion a partner should make you feel more confident about yourself not less. I think it’s good you know now and you can try and move on.

Judy78 Thu 08-Oct-20 15:47:26

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ravenmum Thu 08-Oct-20 15:49:46

What do you want to do, procreate like two scientists carrying out an experiment, or have a relationship with someone you like and who might be a nice dad?

Judy78 Thu 08-Oct-20 15:55:02


What's the disease you're talking about? I work with and am related to many people who have autism. Every person in this world is a unique person and we are never just one thing. You often get utter bastards who don't have autism and/or autistic traits and amazing people who do.....

The OPs bf is an arsehole because he is an arsehole. Not because she suspects him of having Asperger's FFS.

SBTLove Thu 08-Oct-20 16:09:09

Are you suggesting Aspergers is a disease??

SoulofanAggron Thu 08-Oct-20 18:25:31

@SBTLove ASD is a disability (I have traits so I'm not saying that in a bad way.)

@Veryconfusednow He's awful. Most men would love your body. Maybe he's gay or something. This is verbal/emotional abuse. Please finish with him.

Whether he has ASD or not isn't really relevant. He's abusive and being talked to like that wouldn't be good for any woman. Maybe he's trying to dent your self esteem so you don't do as you should and bin him.

SoulofanAggron Thu 08-Oct-20 18:28:16

I wouldn't blame his abusiveness on ASD, whether he has it or not. It's just a thing he's choosing to do, and he's not thick, he must know it's hurtful. Most abusers don't have ASD.

SBTLove Thu 08-Oct-20 18:28:25

My son has Aspergers and I think saying a disease etc as per @BubblyBarbara comments is offensive.

Trinacham Thu 08-Oct-20 18:39:07

As others have said, the Aspergers seems irrelevant here (whether he actually is or not). My husband is one the spectrum and our marriage is perfect. He's wonderful. Certainly not sexless either!

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