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I've finally left. Please send strength to keep me away!

(30 Posts)
HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 10:47:47

I walked out of my marriage a few days ago after years of emotional and verbal abuse, the last few years has been in front of our toddler son.

Since leaving I've found things out that I didn't know about him. It seems that all this time of thinking it was my fault that he was depressed and angry (he left his hometown to move in with me) and all the things that have happened to him in the last 5 years (parents both passing away, ill health etc.) have made him this way, he has actually been like this since he was a teenager. I finally believe it's not my fault.

A couple of days ago I had a phonecall asking me when I was going back and saying that he was going to kill himself if our marriage ended. The police have been involved and he is no longer allowed to contact me.

It's so hard keeping strong. I've always gone back in the past and things have been better for a while but I can't have our son (who he is now questioning is his) growing up thinking this is normal behaviour. It's easier to do it for him than for me.

I left the family home (rented) and I can't go back to get things as I don't want to see him. Can he be made to move out?

Apologies for the long post. It's been a long time coming!

OP’s posts: |
dublingirl66 Thu 08-Oct-20 10:50:06

Well done

Myself and many others here been in your place

Do not go back

Let him take you to court for access if he dares
And then push for supervised access if you child is at risk

Stay strong

WELL DONE

HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 10:54:13

Thank you. I am very lucky to have family support so we are safe and my son is very happy and loved.

He has heard his dad shouting and swearing at me for so long. I am cross I let this happen to him. I'm praying that at 2 he will be too young for this to have affected him long term.

OP’s posts: |
Thingsdogetbetter Thu 08-Oct-20 10:56:56

The police can accompany you to get your belongings.

If both your names are on the tenancy then you can't make him leave, but I believe you can finish the tenancy. CAB, Woman's Aid and Shelter will be able to give you advice and help with this.

You know it's not you! It's never been you. It's him!! It's always been him

You know you are doing the right thing. Please get as much support as you can. Accept help. Know your rights. Stay strong.

june2007 Thu 08-Oct-20 10:58:19

Do you have a mutual friend who can collect things for you? The moving out thing will depend on whose name is on the rent agreement won,t it?
Contact womens aid and ask about advice regarding collecting things if you aren,t in the position to arrange with ex yourself.

HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 11:01:25

We are joint tenants but I am lead tenant (whatever that means!) 90% of what is in there is mine because we moved in together from my flat and he only had clothes.

I'm currently staying with family and can't stay here forever, however much I'm enjoying being looked after! I'm waiting on a call from my local Refuge charity today on advice from women's aid.

OP’s posts: |
HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 11:04:01

I'm not in contact with him at the moment because of the emotional blackmail. He has always got around me in the past and I've gone back so I don't feel strong enough to have any contact right now.

OP’s posts: |
HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 11:05:06

No mutual friends sadly, he pushed everyone away. Even his brother wants no contact after he told him over the phone a couple of days ago that he was going to kill himself and then turned his phone off.

OP’s posts: |
billy1966 Thu 08-Oct-20 11:05:45

You need to involve the police in getting you possessions back.

Hopefully Women's Aid will give you good advice.

Well done for getting out.
flowers

CamillasHardHat Thu 08-Oct-20 11:08:21

Write a list of reasons not to go back. Look at them daily, remind yourself why you left.

Also write a list (and add to it) all the things that are great now. That list should hopefully keep growing.

HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 11:11:46

Thank you. I'm hoping to find out more today. I have had very little time to mentally and practically prepare for this.

I've been called a fucking stupid woman and a fucking joke (amongst other things) for so long now that I need to shake it off and prove it's not true.

OP’s posts: |
HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 11:12:13

CamillasHardHat

Write a list of reasons not to go back. Look at them daily, remind yourself why you left.

Also write a list (and add to it) all the things that are great now. That list should hopefully keep growing.


That's great advice, thank you.

OP’s posts: |
june2007 Thu 08-Oct-20 11:12:30

Sounds like you need some advice on your rent agreement and housing. Citizens advic might help.

HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 11:17:10

june2007

Sounds like you need some advice on your rent agreement and housing. Citizens advic might help.


I've just called them and left my details. I will read through my rent agreement too. I am hoping I have an email copy as the paper copy is in the house.

OP’s posts: |
dublingirl66 Thu 08-Oct-20 11:19:00

Try not to worry at all now

Focus on the future and a happy life with your son

My d d also witnessed things
I tried to get out but he often found us

This is a very dangerous time in terms of what he could do if you do go back so stay strong and block all contact

If you need to use a solicitor for communication

HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 12:17:00

dublingirl66

Try not to worry at all now

Focus on the future and a happy life with your son

My d d also witnessed things
I tried to get out but he often found us

This is a very dangerous time in terms of what he could do if you do go back so stay strong and block all contact

If you need to use a solicitor for communication


Thank you, I had felt things escalating so although he has never 'hurt' me I don't know if he may do if I go back.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you too. It helps to hear from others who got out and are so much happier now.

OP’s posts: |
HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 12:22:22

One thing they have advised me is to find out if any spy software has been installed on my phone or if he is spying on my emails. How would I know?

OP’s posts: |
ginghamtablecloths Thu 08-Oct-20 12:27:36

Remind yourself that you are over the worst - that leaving him is a great achievement and that it's onwards and upwards. You are strong and capable.

newnameforthis123 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:30:41

Is it an iPhone you have OP? My friend brought hers to an apple store and they went through it all with her (for free) and found some apps and she was able to let the police know and then delete them. Not sure what's open / not open at the moment but if it's an iPhone that's worth a try. Change all passwords and switch to 2 factor authentication on anything that offers it as an option thanks

category12 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:39:53

Shelter should be able to advise on the housing issue. I think they have an online chat.

HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 12:51:44

Thank you, I'll do both of these. I can't see any apps on my phone that I didn't install but they could be hidden.

OP’s posts: |
HelpMeStayAway Thu 08-Oct-20 12:53:51

Sorry yes it is an iPhone

OP’s posts: |
newnameforthis123 Thu 08-Oct-20 13:00:45

HelpMeStayAway

Sorry yes it is an iPhone


That's good - get in touch with Apple and they are usually very helpful.

HaggisBurger Thu 08-Oct-20 13:13:00

@HelpMeStayAway well done you on getting out. You and your DS deserve some much more.

On your iPhone in settings, scroll down to Battery, then scroll down Battery health you should see what apps are using battery. May help in first instance. But Apple store good to fully verify all ok. Check he doesn’t have you on findmyiphone or any shared iCloud accounts. Good luck. You’re doing so well flowers

Dery Thu 08-Oct-20 13:13:39

"Remind yourself that you are over the worst - that leaving him is a great achievement and that it's onwards and upwards. You are strong and capable."

This with bells on.

You've done fantastically well, OP. If you want to go back to collect your things, you can make arrangements for the police to escort you on your visit so that you are safe.

In terms of getting him out so that you can return - you could try applying for a non-molestation order (requiring him to keep away from you) and an occupation order. You could try ringing the National Centre for Domestic Violence if you want to find out more about those options. However, while the courts will generally grant a non-mol on a without notice basis (i.e. the court makes the order without the abuser's knowledge and after it has been served on the abuser, the abuser will have the chance to challenge it, but challenges are rarely successful), the courts will very rarely grant an occupation order on a without notice basis. That means that he would have to be served with the application for the occupation order and would have the chance to defend it. Depending on the amount of time left on our tenancy, you might feel it's not worth the trouble.

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