Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Do I leave? My partner is being selfish(11 Posts)
So me and my boyfriend have been together for over 3 years and we have a 5 month old son! He is a lovely dad and a very caring person but there are a lot of things he does that really get to me
The main issue is that he is always thinking about himself! He will go on his PS4 or go out almost every day after work (working from home so barely working) and most of the time it is before my sons bedtime routine so I’m left to do it! He is there in the day working from home which I’m lucky with but I still do pretty much everything as he works!
The other day me and my son got a bad cold and my son was in hysterics all day and wouldn’t sleep I also had a really bad cold and was in a lot of pain! My boyfriend however was fine but decided it was a really good time to go out with his friends before my son was asleep so I was there dealing with a sick baby while barely being able to tend to him as I was in so much pain
He got home we had an argument and he flipped it on me and said he would just get on with it and be fine if I went out if he and my son were sick and I was like hmmm well we clearly aren’t the same as this really upset me! He then played the victim and said “I know I’m a useless boyfriend and can’t do anything right” he does this every time I tell him something I find upsetting! He will also belittle my feelings and make me feel like I’m being stupid for thinking that way
Anyways we had a civil conversation after and I told him how I felt and that I can’t stick around waiting for him to spend time with me! I have lost the spark with him as we don’t spend time together so I am left here feeling nothing just very alone! I go to therapy to try help fix us and my own issues so I’m trying very hard for us! He said he will spend more time with me so now I’m just going to wait and see!
So far he hasn’t changed one bit so I’m not very hopeful! The evening of our argument I was in our room and we had a conversation then he walked into the living room and played his games! I was exhausted and just wanted some chilled out time together but that couldn’t happen so I had an early night!
The next day he yet again went on his games for ages when I asked him multiple times before not to as I wanted to spend time with him (he agreed but didn’t keep his promise) 😑
Fed up really and I don’t want to put all of my effort into this if he isn’t going to try and change for me! Why should I be with someone who prioritises their friends over their family just don’t know what to do as he has so many amazing qualities as well!
Also thinking about where to go if I do leave! I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay with my dad as he has schizophrenia ( found this out the same day my boyfriend decided to go out with his friends 😩) and I know it won’t be a good environment for me and my son and my mum is moving into her first home with her boyfriend and their family and there is no room for us! I would have nowhere to go! I can’t stay here at our flat as it’s private rent and I can’t pay for everything myself I only pay for food, electric, gas, water and half of tax so technically it’s my partners place as he pays the rent!
I think you need to get a job and find a cheap flat. Childcare will cost a lot though, you might want to think up solutions on how to reduce that.
Get a job with a 5 month old..... ok
OP, you say you’ve lost the ‘spark’ so you’ve fallen out of love with him? Or is it that he’s behaviour needs to change? Honestly he just sounds like a man child, computer games, hanging out with mates. He should be an active partner and father, he should want to be
If the fact is you don’t love him or visualise a future with him you do need to end it.
Is the flat joint tenancy? If so you need a frank discussion to decide who stays.
If the tenancy is in your name you can ask him to leave and apply for financial support
And if it’s in his name contact your local council/housing association
No it won’t be easy, it’ll be a struggle being a single mum of a 5 month old but the alternative is wasting your time, energy and life on a man child.
Are you both named as tenants?
I would be visiting your Mum and Dad and friends a lot without DS as soon as your P has finished work and leave him to give him tea and put him to bed...
OP read your post back to yourself. He cannot be a good father or a caring person if he is constantly prioritising seeing his mates over spending time with his son and constantly leaving you to do all of the childcare.
There is a quote: 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'. Him saying he'll change means absolutely nothing if even right after the conversation he goes straight back to doing what he knows upsets you! Like, literally straight after the conversation he went and played his little video games! He is showing you very clearly that he does not respect you, partners who respect one another listen to each other.
Yes, you should leave. You deserve so, so much better than a self-serving man-child.
To add, making you feel guilty whenever you call out the fact that he is not treating you right is very manipulative behaviour. He is trying to create a situation in which you never question his behaviour for fear of upsetting him and that is abhorrently selfish
@Rockinmomma I wouldn’t say that I have fallen out of love with him! I do love him I just don’t feel that same intimate connection with him as I used to at the start! I think it’s down to not actually having any time with him since having our baby we just do the same old stuff every day I look after our son while he works then he does what he likes and I sit around! We never do anything fun together and I feel a bit like a zombie! 😫 yeah I don’t think I’m going to be working for a while yet! I want to spend as much time with him as I can
@RandomMess we are both on the tenancy but I know if I did kick him out I wouldn’t be able to afford it all! It costs far too much I do need to do this I just never get the chance to as he is always busy and if I do I know he will just sit in his PlayStation and not actually properly look after him like I would as in give him attention and play with him!
@IJustWantSomeBees I know I deserve better I think I’m just terrified to leave him I’m scared I won’t be able to cope alone and I find comfort having him there to help when he can! I am also worried about where I would go! 😔 he really is a very kind and caring person but he does have qualities that really put me off and make me feel crap it’s so hard when you are with someone that shows you so much love when they are with you but other times they make you feel so alone! Would be a lot easier if he wasn’t nice at all
If you were on your own you would be entitled to benefits and maintenance so you may well be able to afford the flat.
Whatever you do, don’t have another baby with this guy!
Please login first.