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DHs rage(77 Posts)
90% of the time DH is a perfectly normal person. We have our ups and our downs as any couple does but nothing red flag worthy.
Every so often he just sees red and is a different person. For example yesterday I had a busy day. Worked a long shift to bank hours we need for childcare this week. Then when I finished work I had to leave the house pretty much immediately to go and get some food shopping. I had to do this because DH can't drive.
I came home, in a perfectly fine mood. So it's not as if he's reacting to me. DH had been with DS all day but he's a perfectly happy baby. I frequently look after DS for much longer spells than this. DH then decided that the living room was messy. I said I'd give it a quick once over as soon as I'd put the shopping away and he flipped. Started raging about him doing it. That he knew he should be doing it. That I was always nagging him. I stayed perfectly calm and asked him to stop speaking to me like that. He just kept going. Being really sarcastic about not being "happy enough".
He goes off in one of these moods about once or twice a month. When he calms down he always says he's sorry and that he knows he shouldn't speak to me like that but I'm getting so sick of it. DS is now more than able to understand tone and it won't be long before he understands the words used too. I just really want him to get a handle on this.
What do you get out of this relationship now?.
He likely won't get a handle on this, why would he?. He does this because he can and it works for him. He knows what he is doing here and does not care enough about you to cease it. What are his parents like, do they behave similarly?. If this is learnt behaviour too then it is deeply ingrained within him. He acting like this once or twice a month is once or twice a month too many. You perhaps are starting to modily your own behaviours now further as to try to not set him off. He remains volatile.
I would also think he does not treat people in the outside world or work colleagues like this either so it is for you solely that this treatment is directed. His apologies are meaningless and you just go around and around in that same circle.
What would your own counsel be to someone else if they were writing this?.
What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what would he be learning from you two here?. It will not do your son any favours to grow up in such an environment either. Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.
Theres a thread on here that's terrifying. A woman with a "perfectly nice" DP who then flipped in rage. The consequences were awful. He sounds like a prick.
This is his issue. He's being totally unreasonable. He needs to accept that AND work on changing his coping mechanisms & behaviour, with the help of counselling.
If the cake was only 10% shit would you eat it? No. It's a shit cake.
Completely unacceptable behaviour, op. It would be ultimatum time for me. The example this is setting for your child is horrendous.
He's generally a nice person. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. He's usually caring and funny. He's brilliant with DS. Not afraid of night feeds or the most horrific of nappies.
His family are normal and nice people. He was adopted at age 4. Birth parents less nice but he doesn't remember them.
It doesn't feel like abuse because I don't take it in any more. I say don't speak to me like that then wait until he's done.
My biggest concern is my son, I don't want him to think it's ok to speak to people like that.
Okay, so you know that thread I was telling you about? The terrifying one? The title refers to Jekyll and Hyde.
Does he rage at other people or does he control himself when in company?
"He goes off in one of these moods about once or twice a month. When he calms down he always says he's sorry and that he knows he shouldn't speak to me like that but I'm getting so sick of it."
Saying sorry means nothing if he continues the behaviour. If there's no attempt on his part to address this, then 'sorry' is just a word he says. There's no meaning behind it.
There have to be consequences to his behaviour. I think you need to have a conversation, along the lines that you will no longer put up with this. Next strike, you're out. Yes, really.
You could ask him to get his arse into therapy/counselling, but he should be there by now under his own steam - but he prefers just to dump his rage on you.
"DS is now more than able to understand tone and it won't be long before he understands the words used too."
Exactly. This is no environment for your child to grow up in. It needs to stop. Either he can stop the behaviour, or he stops inflicting it on you.
When DH is angry about something it is usually totally unrelated to me, though as I am the only human in the house I have to witness his banging about and often assume it is something I have done.
I would suspect it is nothing to do with you, OP, but something has fired up his insecurities/ fears/ embarrassing failings and he takes it out on you as he can't deal with it sensibly.
90% of the time DH is a perfectly normal person
Are you feeling like you need to tiptoe on eggshells around him during this time? If so, that's an awful way to live (have lived it). It makes you forget who you are.
He sounds dreadful to live with and I would want to leave.
Heres the thread I was talking about OP. Not only is the Jekyll and hyde thing similar, but also, she talks in terms of percentages (95% nice) like you do
He might respond really well to CBT to learn some emotion and anger management skills. It sounds like he might be holding his emotions back and then they let loose.
The problem is that your son is going to pick up this behaviour. He’s learning it already. You have no idea if he does or doesn’t do this when he’s on his own with your child. What happens when terrible twos come along or your kid throws a tantrum like all kids do. Is he going to flip out and rage at your kid?
He's not brilliant with your DS though is he? A brilliant father wouldn't have these "rages".
If he's sorry then why does he still do it every other week?
Does he do this to anyone else or just you? If he manages to control himself with everyone else then it's not a loss of temper/control, it's choice.
It's sad you're used to it. You shouldn't be. I hope you manage to leave before your son learns to accept this as normal too.
"Not afraid of night feeds or the most horrific of nappies."
Oh well then, give him a gold star and a pass to abuse you twice a month
Has he had any therapy or counselling? Adoptees have experienced early loss and trauma whatever the circumstances of their adoption or how lovely their adoptive family is. My girls are adopted and are 95% lovely, but they can "lose it" when triggered. They're only teens so younger than your husband but they do understand how past experiences that they can't remember affect them. Does your husband have any insight or understanding of how his early experiences will still be affecting him? Dont write him off - he may need professional support to understand why he flies into a sudden rage.
And help to implement coping strategies.
Also I'm not adopted but I rage sometimes. It's not great but it happens occasionally. Yes I only do it at home - because its a safe environment. Can't believe I'm the only one either. I once heard my neighbour raging at her partner in just the same way. Is everyone on Mumsnet really a saint who never loses their temper?
My husband hasn't given up on me!
I hand on heart believe these are only aimed at me not DS. He honestly thinks the sun shines out of him. I think CBT could help as I think you're right it does build up.
I don't walk on eggshells at all. I wouldn't put up with that in my own home. I didn't mean changing nappies or night feeds have him a pass to behave however he likes. He was and is supportive of me as I've had a struggle with PND and anxiety this past year since DS was born. He has honestly been kind to me, genuinely kind. I kind of feel that the frustration builds at work and at home and then he just boils over. I think it has a lot to do with insecurities as he's never been a confident person.
His biological father was abusive which I think has rattled him, he only found this out recently.
You are indeed putting up with this from him in your own home. Your home is not the sanctuary it should be for you or for your child.
The fact it’s aimed solely at you means that your husband is abusive towards you. You’ve merely become used and otherwise conditioned to his kicking off at you twice a month. If he treats you like that it’s also indirectly aimed at his child too. If he was a good dad to his son he would not treat you as the child’s mother in the ways he does.
He has a problem too with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. He can manage his anger too around other people so he does not have an anger management problem.
His insecurities and lack of confidence are his issues to address, not for him to take it out on you.
I absolutely get that, I know it's his issue to address. I've had a chat with him over dinner. He seems to get it. He knows it's a problem. This is his one major flaw. I don't want to give up on what we have. We've been together 10 years and I don't want to throw in the towel. When I imagine my life without him it isn't better. He has lost a job in the past for losing his temper. Never anything physical just raised voices. So it it's just me but it's usually me. I'm also disappointed because I really thought I'd found a good one until this started.
You are dismissive of him being abusive, when he is highly abusive.
Your poor child will be recognising this behaviour and it will mark him and stay with him.
10% of the time is a huge amount.
You never know when he will go off on one.
You need to decide how much and for how long you will accept this.
His sorry means NOTHING.
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