Relationship issues - don't know what to do

[AmyC40]

My DH and I have been together for 8 years. There have been ups and downs particularly recently which i just don't know what to do about.

Main issues are:

1. he has accumulated £40 000 worth of debt. I knew he had some debt but not this extent despite me regularly asking him how his finances were (we have separate bank accounts, thank goodness) He has now set up a debt repayment plan for 6 years - all this was set up without any discussion with me or how it will impact on our future (our children from previous relationships will be grown up and flown the nest in a year of 2 so we were hoping to buy a caravan etc. but unlikely now)
2. When we have friends round, he can be really pleasant with them. As soon as they go, he is ok with me but quite nasty in how he speaks to my DD who is 17 (this is always when he thinks i am out of ear shot). When I pull him up on this he blames it on his anti-depressants.
3. He does nothing round the house unless I ask / nag
4. The minute my DD and I sit and chat or do some cooking together, he has to be there listening in and joining in our conversation to the point where it makes it really awkward for me and DD to do anything together.
5. He openly lies e.g. he bought a new phone prior to his debt plan - cost £800!!! Told me, he was given it as a work phone and still continued to deny he bought it after I said I had seen the invoice.
6. Bailed him out on a number of occasions with money to pay for maintenance for his daughter / her birthday presents etc. (I have never met his daughter and never will otherwise I would have been more than willing to contribute).
7. He is constantly clingy - if I don't answer a text, he will email me with the email going to both my work account and personal account. If I try and suggest going to shops, he will try and invite himself.
8. I pay more of the household bills - partly because I get maintenance for my DD so it is only fair but also because he can't afford it (we earn the same).

I know me and my DD are very close (he is her step-dad) and this may have pushed him away. However I just constantly feel smothered but if we were to split up, I would feel incredibly guilty as he lost his relationship with his children / marriage to be with me.

Just don't know what to do....

[Geppili]

What has he spent 40k on?

[Geppili]

I would put your DD first. He sounds awful!

[Dollyrocket]

How has he lost his children to be with you?

[AmyC40]

@Geppili

What has he spent 40k on?

Clothes, golf clubs phone, continuing to pay above expected amount for maintenance for his DD even though he couldn't afford it (maintenance amount £300 anyway so not a small amount), taking cash out on his credit cards etc. He had a small amount of debt from his divorce but under £10k. Thing is I constantly asked him how his finances were and what his debt was but he would never discuss it!

[AmyC40]

@Dollyrocket

How has he lost his children to be with you?

Not proud to admit but we had an affair 10 years ago when he was still married. His then wife found out, chucked him out and he turned up on my doorstep with his belongings and I took him in then and there rather than him making him go to his mums while he thought properly about what he wanted to do. As a result and quite rightly, his children have a very difficult relationship with him - his son who is 21 doesn't speak to him and he has infrequent contact with his DD who is 17. I think this links in to his debt as he has always paid more than he should as he feels guilty for what went on.

[frozendaisy]

He sounds like a ball and chain whom you are staying with out of guilt.

He cheated on his marriage, ok you didn't help, but in the end he is a grown-up (legally at least) and he decided to cheat. It's not your fault

He has hidden 40k worth of debt but gives you no privacy.

He is nasty to a 17yr old girl/woman.

And you bail him out with cash.

Try and not let guilt oblige your future actions.
If you want to stay together you need to have all this out with him.

[combatbarbie]

Get rid! Just because he is on a debt management plan doesn't mean he shouldn't be contributing 50/50 to the house if yous earn the same. It's a cop out. Everything is everyone else's fault except his. Well life can be hard, he needs to deal with it and that shouldn't be at your expense.

What things is he saying to your DD?

[Fortunategirl]

Wow. You did his wife a huge favour!! Now look what you ended up with!! Time to get rid. He sounds like a total loser. Why on earth would you bother poaching somebody else’s second hand goods!! Used and worthless

[Glitterandunicorns]

Just the fact that he's mean to your daughter when he thinks you're not there would be enough for me to say to get rid. You've got to prioritise your kids.

He's trying to intrude on your conversations/ activities with your daughter. You've said this makes things awkward. He must be able to see it, yet continues anyway.

The clinginess you describe sounds like controlling behaviour to me. This is underlined by you not being able to go to the shops without him wanting to go.

He doesn't want you having friends over, clearly (hence the mean comments to your daughter). He doesn't want you to have time with your daughter, and he doesn't want you to have time alone to go shopping.

His debt is his problem. You've got separate finances. Don't bail him out.

He sounds like a complete wastrel and I'd be getting rid for the sake of your child if nothing else. You owe him nothing at all.

[Aerial2020]

He's using you.
Stop giving him money.

[Aerial2020]

He also sounds very possessive and a cock lodger.

[Geppili]

Definitely a cocklodger.

[Ingridla]

So he's sneaky both financially and emotionally and a liar and he speaks to your DD badly. I think this is a very easy one. His ex wife was well rid.

[widespreadpanic]

He’s an habitual liar, he can’t control his spending, and he treats you and your daughter like crap. I couldn’t put up with this and would leave.

[category12]

Are you married? You say DH but I'm really hoping not. Because having separate finances doesn't protect you if you're married.

That he's nasty and jealous about your dd and tries to put a wedge in would be a dealbreaker for me.

The rest of it's pretty shit too.

[Arieldysney]

Child maintenance is for your daughter, not partner.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’d go and see a lawyer with as much financial detail as you can get your hands on and see what it’ll cost you to get rid of him.

10 years too late but moving him in with you and your then 7 year old was an incredibly bad move. And now he’s shitty to her and must be making her feel miserable.

You obviously have to end things. He’s a fucking liability. But if you’re married you’re potentially in a tricky situation with his debts so go and pay for decent advice.

It’s not your fault he left his wife and has crap relationships with his children. The maintenance you get from your ex is for your child and shouldn’t be considered part of the household pool.

What a mess. But it’s not too late to get yours and your daughter’s lives back and you have no option but to divorce him.

[madcatladyforever]

Why are you even on here writing this when you could be seeing a solicitor.
Not my usual mode of speaking but he is an absolute cunt and you need to get rid of him before he drags you down with him and ruins your relationship with your daughter.
Why are you the housemaid, is he quadruplegic?
Get rid, get rid, get rid.

[TwentyViginti]

His ex wife wasn't daft getting rid of him was she?

Now follow in her footsteps.

[madcatladyforever]

You are a fool if you think he's spending all that maintenance money on his kids, that's what he tells you.

[category12]

It’s not your fault he left his wife and has crap relationships with his children
Well, it is partially her fault as she was the OW.

[updownroundandround]

@ AmyC40

''Just don't know what to do....''

Yes, you do, you know you have to divorce him, regardless of the consequences to other people. Your only priorities are you and your DD.

You feel smothered and unhappy, your DD is being verbally abused whenever your back is turned, and you're allowing it to happen by continuing to live with him...................

There really is no other choice for you both.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

@category12

It’s not your fault he left his wife and has crap relationships with his children
Well, it is partially her fault as she was the OW.

And if hadn’t been her it would have been someone else. He chose to cheat on his wife. OP didn’t make him do it, he was an adult with full autonomy. Women, aren’t the keeper of men’s fidelity. He made his bed, she happened to be lying in it, but it’s on him that everything in his life turned to shit.

[category12]

I agree to a point, Annelovesgilbert, but saying she just "happened to be lying in it" takes away some of her autonomy too, surely?!

She had a choice to get involved or not, and a consequence was him rocking up at her door having been thrown out, or could have been whatever other fallout there is from being an affair partner.

She was not a passive object at no fault at all. There's some sort of grey area here.

[Lobelia123]

Its a messy situation and your guilt and confusion come across so clearly. I would just say to you, it doesnt help to compound one mistake with others. Theres always the chance to step away and change your life and the direction its going in. The only person(s) you owe anything to, are yourself and your daughter. All the best! Life is too short to be so unhappy and troubled, and he sounds like he doesnt deserve your love or respect.