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I don’t think I’m asking too much

(31 Posts)
Howlongcanthisgoon Tue 06-Oct-20 15:18:27

I have 2 kids. One has some sensory issues and is possibly asd or at least has traits.
This morning she was struggling to get dressed and screamed in my face. She was persuaded to get dressed but then continued to be rude and abusive to me over breakfast. Her brother added to the mix by being a 10 year old boy and using her socks to mop up something on the kitchen table (sock not in feet at this point)
Husband is in bed drinking tea (I get up every morning. He drinks tea until 9:30) I go to him and tell him I’m not coping. He barks at me that it’s my fault. I snap at him. Now he’s not talking to me. Despite apologizing for snapping. I tried to explain I needed support and he told me that means my apology for snapping is insincere. I’m making excuses. I’m being a bitch.
I think I’m done.
This is not our only issue but is indicative of our life.

OP’s posts: |
Justmuddlingalong Tue 06-Oct-20 15:26:34

If you were home alone with the kids, you get on with it because you know you have to. Having a useless plank supping tea in bed would be the tipping point for me. I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether. His attitude sucks, as you know, so I think you should seriously consider your future with him. 💐

Dery Tue 06-Oct-20 15:35:20

Your H sounds like a lazy, useless bastard. In your shoes, I would want out.

HollowTalk Tue 06-Oct-20 15:36:45

What an idle bastard he is.

Please don't say you make the tea for him.

Bunnymumy Tue 06-Oct-20 15:37:06

Sounds like he's training you not to go to give fir emotional support. Or indeed, any sort of support.

Life would be easier with just two kids to deal with, instead of him making it 3.

ComicePear Tue 06-Oct-20 15:37:14

What an absolute twat. Stop apologising to him OP.

Bunnymumy Tue 06-Oct-20 15:37:37

*not to go to him for

RantyAnty Tue 06-Oct-20 15:40:34

Has he ever helped you with them?

So it's OK for him to bark at you just for asking him to help but you have to apologise to him with getting fed up with him lounging in bed while you're up working.

billy1966 Tue 06-Oct-20 15:41:48

Stop apologising to that useless, selfish tea drinking prick and pack his bags.

Did you bring him tea?

What a twat.

How has it come to this OP?

He needs to apologise to you.

Poor woman.flowers

Anordinarymum Tue 06-Oct-20 15:44:03

Oh boy. Two of you in the house and only one parent ? Hmmm

Howlongcanthisgoon Tue 06-Oct-20 15:44:36

Yes I make the tea.
It’s got worse over 20 years. Gradually. Almost like I haven’t noticed.
Then much worse after a house move. No friends no family etc.
I’m so sad.

OP’s posts: |
Howlongcanthisgoon Tue 06-Oct-20 15:49:28

I’ve basically been bullied into never asking for help. Never complaining. Never saying I’m not ok (told him I wasn’t coping a while ago queue his episode of “depression and anger”). Eventually went to the GP. Now taking antidepressants. He doesn’t approve. I told him it’s not up to him.
Last time he had a massive go at me it was because there weren’t any snacks in the house. But actually he came home and I had music on, he later said he was angry that I was having a party. When I was cooking dinner. With music on.

OP’s posts: |
Justmuddlingalong Tue 06-Oct-20 15:49:36

Don't be sad, be angry...and determined to change your life for the better. There's a shed load of support and advice on here. I know I'd be shaking pom-poms on your behalf, OP.

Dery Tue 06-Oct-20 15:56:33

He sounds like a miserable, exploitative, lazy bastard. It sounds like you would be much better off with him out of your life. The behaviour you are describing is awful - verging on abusive. The no friends/no family - is that because he has isolated you from them?

This is a bad relationship for you and a bad model for your DCs. Sounds like you and quite possibly your DCs would be considerably better off without him.

The information at this link might help you start to plan a life without him: www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/

Howlongcanthisgoon Tue 06-Oct-20 15:57:25

I’ve also just realised that whenever I have a valid point in response to his shit he tells me I’m getting the wrong end of the stick but won’t say how.
Is this gaslighting ?

OP’s posts: |
holrosea Tue 06-Oct-20 15:58:48

OMG - absolutely feel sad, you are entitled to. But don't stay there!

You're already solo parenting and if this is "indicative" it doesn't sound like you're getting a whole lot of positives from him. Leaving might well be a weight off your shoulders, and don't say "no friends, no family etc.". You might well have a bunch of people around you who think he's a total twat and that you're lovely, but you just don't know it yet and they're too polite to say. You got 9 people immediately jump in to boost you up and tell you you're not being unreasonable from one post a few hours ago!

20 years of this sounds really grinding, are you prepared for 20 more? On top of childcare, school drop off, clubs, sports, birthday parties, etc.? And I bet that with his attitude you have no couple things to look forward to. No date nights, no birthday surprises, no Friday flowers or sexy texts.

Think about what you want and start writing it down. A house closer to friends and family? A job/more flexibility/a promotion? Imagine your perfect life and write down even the little things you want (your own tea in bed?). Then gather what you need to make it happen.

Bank statements (his and joint)
Mortage docs/tenancy agreement
(Kids) Birth certificates and passports
(His) Payslips and pension statements
EntitledTo website estimate of the financial support you'd get
A safe place to put these things

Once you have these things, you can start to write down your questions and seek out a solicitor for a free half hour to go over what you'd be entitled to in a divorce. Check up on rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ if you're in the UK and arm yourself with information.

If he's up in bed with his cuppa he'll not even notice that little old ground down you has a gameplan. And keep posting on here for advice.

Dollyrocket Tue 06-Oct-20 16:02:46

Stop making this cunt a cup of tea every morning for starters. angry

PamDemic Tue 06-Oct-20 16:17:13

oh absolutely LTB. Apart from anything else, you are raising your son to be exactly the same as him, and your daughter to be a doormat.

This is their model of relationships.

And stop making the tea right now!!! Tomorrow, just don't do it at all.

Howlongcanthisgoon Tue 06-Oct-20 17:32:23

It’s interesting that people are saying don’t make the tea. I’d love to tell him to make his own but this will start a war (yes I’m realising that this is an Abusive relationship, which is a gutting feeling). It’s not worth it in the short term.
I feel like it’s a better plan to keep the peace whilst I figure out what to do and how to do it. Some else said that he won’t notice me getting my things sorted out and they are right - unless I rock the boat.
I’ve done this (tried to stand up for myself) too many times before to know exactly how shit it will get. I feel like it will be a distraction from actually figuring out what to do.

OP’s posts: |
Justmuddlingalong Tue 06-Oct-20 17:39:09

I agree. Keep making the tea until you get your ducks in a row.

Inthesameboatatmo Tue 06-Oct-20 17:50:34

Next time you make his tea ,piss in it and watch with satisfaction as he drinks it then leave the useless wanker

PamDemic Tue 06-Oct-20 18:29:29

I can see that OP. maybe you just start wtih spitting in his tea?!

billy1966 Tue 06-Oct-20 18:43:51

Can you reach out to family, friends?

Contact Women's Aid.

He is highly abusive.

Please make a pland to get out.
flowers

Dery Tue 06-Oct-20 18:55:25

@Howlongcanthisgoon - yes, much better idea to keep acting normally while you plan your exit. This is where his habit of completely ignoring you and your needs will actually work in your favour - hopefully he simply won't notice what you're up to.

The link I sent you in my previous post (re-posted here) is a useful starting point on the practical things you should do as part of planning to leave your husband: www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/

Is there anyone in real life who can support you - perhaps someone with whom you could start to leave some of your and your children's stuff as you gradually work on leaving? (If he notices, you can tell him you're having a clear-out). If not, perhaps you could rent some storage space where you can leave things until you find a new home.

Maggins Tue 06-Oct-20 18:58:15

Yes it’s gaslighting op.
You sound ground down with the weight of your
useless, abusive partner.
Be kind to yourself, let the fucker choke on his
tea while you prepare for your new life.

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