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Can't shake this guy off

(49 Posts)
blahblah27 Tue 06-Oct-20 14:12:58

There's this guy I met through mutual friends about a year ago. We are both 25. I was in a relationship at the time but I felt chemistry and attraction to him instantly. I didn't act on anything and put it down to a silly crush. I didn't see him for a few months.

Fast forward to march when I next saw him, I was no longer in a relationship. I could feel him staring at me an awful lot and he was pretty flirty. We start texting and calling each other all the way through lockdown, he would initiate conversations, start games for us to play etc, we were talking a looooot on the phone. Things got quite spicy and it got to the point where we were sending texts and a few pictures.
The only thing that put me off is how hot and cold he became - sometimes he was really hot, other times taking hours to reply, then sometimes he'd be talking about other girls he's slept with. His way of flirting appeared to be teasing me, which personally I don't mind but it was pretty much all the time. It annoyed me how unopen he was - sometimes he would have anxious bouts and he'd shut down and refuse to talk to me about it, then having a go at me for not giving him space and calling me annoying and flipping for asking if he's okay. I always found myself apologising.

After lockdown eased we decided to meet up (he lives 2 hours away) and we slept together. The sexual chemistry was unreal. But it ended pretty badly. I was in a really bad place and got a bit annoyed about something. He then told me he 'doesn't like sulkers' and it put him off me completely. We still spoke every now and then but nothing was the same.

This was April but every now and then we would still find eachother texting eachother. Everytime I've given time for the crush to die down, it really doesn't!!! This has carried on SO LONG. Everytime I decided not to talk to him anymore, we would end up messaging eachother a few weeks later.

Last week I asked if he fancies coming down for a weekend and he shut the idea down. He said it's too far away and that he's busy, so I offered to go to his instead. He asked me to stop messaging him because he's busy.
I did, and on Saturday he drunk texts me saying "I would come down if we like go for food or the pub or something". SO confusing. Anyway, I said it sounds good and he said he's up for it if we go out and whatever.

I haven't heard from him since that night though. I don't know whether to ask if he's coming, or bring it up, or just wait for him to message. I have no idea what's going on but the annoying thing is I've had these feelings for him for 14 months now and they're just not going anywhere. The sexual chemistry we have gives me butterflies everytime I think about him. I wonder if he's a bit toxic but I also love the idea of him coming down even just for a bit of fun. What do I do?!

OP’s posts: |
ShortColdandGrey Tue 06-Oct-20 14:18:56

This does not sound healthy. Block and move on.

NancyBotwinBloom Tue 06-Oct-20 14:20:13

Nah he sounds a bit toxic.

Don't make him your priority when he's treating you like an option.

I'd block him.

He's not willing to put the time in is he. He's showing you what he is. It's not a relationship he wants and I think from your post you'd end up wrecking your own head about every text and action.

Your making all the running and he's making all the rules here.

Save yourself the heartache and detach.

Xx

Yankeescot Tue 06-Oct-20 14:20:51

Run, don't walk away from this guy! He's acting like a wankstain and you deserve so much better than someone messing you about like this!

coldgraybrix Tue 06-Oct-20 14:35:52

Channel your inner South Pacific and wash that man right out of your hair grin

He's a nightmare.

user1481840227 Tue 06-Oct-20 14:37:48

It's definitely toxic with the potential to get even more toxic.
The sexual chemistry is probably partly due to the toxicity of the relationship.

This definitely won't have a happy ending.

The only way to stop it is to stop communicating with him. You said you give it a few weeks to die down and then you end up talking again, that's not a sign that you are meant to be or that you can't stay away from each other because it's something special...It's because people get addicted to that toxic crap.
You need to block him and not contact him yourself.

WannaBeMonica Tue 06-Oct-20 14:47:42

I have amazing chemistry with baked potatoes and cheesy beans. Honestly, you should hear the moans of pleasure.

But I have IBS which means I can't have it, it just doesn't work. As much as I like it, it's very bad for me and causes me extreme pain, so I just don't eat it.

If only relationships were that easy. Walk away, that delicious potato is just bad for you.

Icanseewhyichangednyusername Tue 06-Oct-20 14:56:54

You’re being his plaything And you have zero boundaries with him .he sounds dangerous. When he messaged you back changing his mind about coming to yours you just said “okay!” You didn’t pull him up on how he called you needy or that he’d been incredibly rude or that you would let him know etc..... You just said “okay! Sounds good!”
I think this will end in tears on way or another. And you will not be the winner I’m afraid.
My heart goes out to you.
Xxxx

Dery Tue 06-Oct-20 14:57:24

"It's definitely toxic with the potential to get even more toxic.
The sexual chemistry is probably partly due to the toxicity of the relationship."

This. Toxic/dysfunctional relationships often generate incredible chemistry between their participants - all those ecstatic highs and devastating lows - the relief when it seems to be going well etc. It's incredibly unhealthy and unsustainable. You might be interested to read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood - she's very good on the addictive nature of these relationships and how to break the addiction.

Draw a line under it and walk away. This won't have a happy ending and you deserve much better.

NancyBotwinBloom Tue 06-Oct-20 14:58:47

Have a look at the crimson kiss on Instagram. She's written some
Really good books about this sort of thing.

VettiyaIruken Tue 06-Oct-20 15:00:18

You move on! Block him and move on.
Lust doesn't last forever!
Chemistry isn't real when the other person is treating you like shit. (Unless you like being treated like shit !)

He's playing. It's an ego boost. He can be a total bastard and still have you come panting when he beckons.

You're worth more.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 06-Oct-20 15:02:08

This twat is nothing but drama and trouble. Raise your standards. Block and move on.

RaspberryHartleys Tue 06-Oct-20 15:05:32

Do you have low self esteem? Why are you letting this guy pick up and drop you whenever he feels like it?

Raise your standards, you'll be so much happier

curiouslypacific Tue 06-Oct-20 15:07:33

You bin him off and refuse to be messed about by a disrespectful prick. Life is too short to have your head wrecked by someone that clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

Block, delete and move on.

HumptyD Tue 06-Oct-20 15:14:52

Jesus, he’s literally told
You to go away and your still wondering if he’s coming to visit you? Why would
You want him to, he isn’t interested. If a man wanted to date you, a 2
Hour drive wouldn’t stop him.. he’s giving you literally nothing to indicate he’s interested. After 14 months he’s never going to start treating you better, block and delete all trace of him and find someone who treats you like a human! All the best xxx

username501 Tue 06-Oct-20 15:16:45

He said it's too far away and that he's busy, so I offered to go to his instead. He asked me to stop messaging him because he's busy.

Come on OP. Wake up and block him. He gives you a drunk booty call and you jump up and down in anticipation - get what's left of your self esteem and move on.

1forAll74 Tue 06-Oct-20 15:24:12

Best to not be involved with this man, he does not want to be involved with you, and probably has other woman at his beck and call also. It is easy to get fixated on someone if you have had a few good times together, but he does not feel the same as you do.

TheHighestSardine Tue 06-Oct-20 15:40:08

Do not.

The text was a booty call. He only wants you for being a willing hole in trade for dinner and a drink. Don't be. Block and ignore.

Bunnymumy Tue 06-Oct-20 15:43:22

Another vote for block.

Really op when any man starts talking about other women he has slept with to you, he is really saying 'I have no respect for you and I am hoping you have zero respect for yourself too. If you dont already, just give me this 'in' and I'll use it to make you feel worthless and not good enough for me'.

He's a shit. No more excuses. Delete and block.

RantyAnty Tue 06-Oct-20 15:43:46

Block him so he can't contact you for a booty call weeks or months later.

Do the freedom programme too.

billy1966 Tue 06-Oct-20 15:45:52

He's using you because he can clearly see you have zero self respect and will put up with any bullshit.

Change that now.

Delete.
Block.

Work on your boundaries.

If you don't, you have a very hard, miserable life ahead of you with a series of men who will treat you badly.

flowers

markzuckerbergsgreytshirt Tue 06-Oct-20 15:46:12

Jeeze OP I thought he was bad when I got to this para, let alone the 5 others after it. Please listen to the advice, block him and move on. You can do better.

The only thing that put me off is how hot and cold he became - sometimes he was really hot, other times taking hours to reply, then sometimes he'd be talking about other girls he's slept with. His way of flirting appeared to be teasing me, which personally I don't mind but it was pretty much all the time. It annoyed me how unopen he was - sometimes he would have anxious bouts and he'd shut down and refuse to talk to me about it, then having a go at me for not giving him space and calling me annoying and flipping for asking if he's okay. I always found myself apologising.

workhomesleeprepeat Tue 06-Oct-20 15:49:01

Omg OP no no no - you must just block and delete his number!

Please stop throwing yourself at this man he’s just using you for sex and an ego boost. If you were using him in a similar way I would say go enjoy, but he thinks very little of you - he told you to stop msging! If he was interested in you he would text non stop. He must be a banging shag why are you putting up with this??

I honestly want to shake you. Please don’t continue to embarrass yourself waiting for his calls/texts. He thinks you are an annoying FWB and you think you’re in some kind of relationship with him.

If you want a boyfriend, this guy is not the one!

Wishimaywishimight Tue 06-Oct-20 16:52:27

You're letting him pick you up and drop you when it suits him. Stop it and have some respect for yourself. No matter the chemistry, he's not interested in you other than as a bit of a diversion and an ego boost.

excelledyourself Tue 06-Oct-20 17:03:57

That was painful reading.

He is downright horrible to you, and you willingly lap it up. I can't believe he actually told you to "go away" and you're still hoping he decides you'll do for a night. You're nothing more than a convenience, a distraction. I'm not being cruel; I've been there.

Please set your bar so much higher. Take control and block him. Everywhere, forever!
Give your time to someone who actually appreciates it.

It will be one of the best decisions you ever make!

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