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Relationships

We're in a rut...

23 replies

SpaceDinosaur · 06/10/2020 11:09

DH & I have been together 10yrs, married 4, 2DCs, the newest is 4weeks.

He struggled in lockdown. Really struggled I can now see. His whole industry was furloughed, my industry came to a standstill and I'm self employed too. Fortunately we were still financially secure but my being pregnant, being upset about his not being able to support me at appts and my general worry etc saw him hiding and not sharing his issues with me. Which I feel shit about.

I love him enormously. We have 2 young children. He's an equal partner, an amazing dad. He has a "life" outside of our marriage (mates, sport etc) and I did as well before lockdown. We holiday together, we holiday separately. He have hobbies together and separately. Only I haven't been able to be me properly since Christmas and March (pregnancy and lockdown stopped various aspects)

He works in hospitality and outside of 2020 would work and get home at 4am... so day activities as a family were challenging to arrange. Evenings together were no problem.

We're in a rut. Last night he told me that he feels like we're colleagues at the moment. We're getting everything done and doing it well but there's no "us" at the moment.

I don't know how to help. He's sad. He's not hurrying home from work (despite closing at 10) because he doesn't want to. Which he told me, not out of malice or spite but being honest because he had avoided answering when I asked him previously.

I'm anxious about exposing the baby unnecessary. She's not even had her first vaccinations yet. Whereas with PFB we had everyone over, went out for lunches, went to rehearsals (performer).
My body's wobbly. I haven't danced a class in months and I'm worrying about my husband's mental health. He said he hasn't "sparked" and felt joy/happiness except when he's been playing and spending time with our older child.

Ideas?
He's sad but not clinically so. When he was many years ago his dr was worse than useless so that's not an avenue worth suggesting because she embarrassed him and he clearly wasn't fully honest.

I've got an EBF newborn and I'm not leaving her to go out and do XYZ but I need ideas

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LilOldMe · 06/10/2020 11:21

Um... I wouldn't blame yourself or take this all on as your problem to fix. What's he doing to solve his issue of feeling like "colleagues" - staying on late after work? How does he propose that will help things?

but my being pregnant, being upset about his not being able to support me at appts and my general worry etc saw him hiding and not sharing his issues with me. Which I feel shit about.

Why do you feel shit about his failure to support you through your pregnancy appointments?! Why do you feel shit about his hiding his feelings from you?

I'm not going all MN "LTB!" but I do feel you're taking on the job of fixing things that are, essentially, his issues. While you also parent two young DC, can't go to work, cope with your body changes, etc..

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SpaceDinosaur · 06/10/2020 12:10

@LilOldMe he didn't fail to support me at appts, the NHS covid restrictions prevented him from attending and supporting me. I had a stay as an in patient during pregnancy. No visitors. In addition to more appointments and scans than usual owing to complications in a previous pregnancy. I was alone and I am sad about that. He couldn't attend scans or hear the heartbeat and he is sad about that. I had to "fight" to advocate for myself without someone supporting me and we are both sad about that.

If the tables were turned I wouldn't have offloaded my worries and niggles into him at the time either.

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SpaceDinosaur · 06/10/2020 12:12

Yes. I'll ask what he proposes

But you're right. I am a fixer. I want to help. I want to offer solutions or have ideas because it's how I am.

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LilOldMe · 06/10/2020 12:36

Do you think the pregnancy stopped him bonding so much with your youngest child as he has with the older one?

So you feel he might have felt helpless and useless during your pregnancy - OK, I get that. But you can easily make him feel vital and useful now. Honestly, it’s easy. Just let him give things to you: advice, orgasms, stuff from the shops, hugs, the TV remote, cups of tea... Men just want to give.

If you’ve been trying to support him/consider his feelings a lot, chances are you’ve absorbed all the giving responsibilities in your relationship- thinking you were making things easier for him, but actually you’ve accidentally just made him feel more useless. That might explain why he’s staying later at work - they need him there. Maybe? Does any of this sound like it might be true?

So just try to receive from him. Don’t even say a word about it, just start happily receiving. He brings you a tea, you look delighted. (At the tea, more than the fact he made it. This isn’t flattery, it’s making him realise how easily he can make you happy.)

He texts from the supermarket, you tell him things you’d love to have. Your printer breaks down, you just go, “Oh man! The printer’s broken! I have shit to print and now I can’t!” and leave it to him to fix, then you print out 10,000 pages and look delighted.

Let him feel what a positive affect he has on your whole life. Don’t make decisions. Let him pick up the stressy stuff. Create spaces where he can step in and be amazing.

That’s what I’d do. Interestingly, I never did any of that with my first DH and we were really miserable. I do this all the time with my second DH as he’s really the most helpful man in the universe, and we’re happy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know I’m going to get slated on here though! 😂

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SpaceDinosaur · 06/10/2020 15:03

@LilOldMe that's really interesting.

I do typically do and solve things myself I'm not usually a "please can you" I just crack on... I fixed the washing machine yesterday whilst he was home...

Ok. I'll try enabling him to participate more in the boring stuff (that feels like a better way of phrasing it!) and being more vulnerable to him. I definitely became "harder" so I could deal with all the medical crap on my own and he's probably feeling less essential than he would have been to me.

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LilOldMe · 06/10/2020 16:12

Just try it for a week. I like doing mini experiments. It breaks the rut.

Remember, Create spaces where he can step in and be amazing. Does he cook? If he’s working in hospitality I wondered if he’s a chef? Maybe a bartender?

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spacedinosaur · 07/03/2021 05:33

Update
He left us.
Walked out on me, the preschooler and the new baby.
He "deserves better"
I'm "boring" "nothing but a mother" "unattractive" (4 week old baby when those comments started you utter arsehole) "work too hard" "crap housewife" "can't maintain a standard"

Yes. He's an arsehole but I am still broken

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Oneweekleft · 07/03/2021 06:36

OP that is shocking to read. Im so sorry. None of this is your fault. I dont know if he's going through some mid life crisis or something but that's an appaling way to treat you. Has he forgotten you've been carrying his child the last 9 months? Absolutely unbelievable. He should be supporting you at this time. I hope you have some support in real life from family and friends? X

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maras2 · 07/03/2021 06:57

So sorry dinosaur but 'cherchez la femme'
Hope I'm wrong though. Flowers

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shitsandgig · 07/03/2021 07:01

So sorry Dino. This is not your fault at all

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Heartbeats0708 · 07/03/2021 07:23

Fuck dinosaur I'm really sorry to hear this. He sounded pretty selfish from your OP but I couldn't tell if it was the way it was written/ part of your "fixing" nature. I imagine a big part of it was he felt pushed out by the new baby but what he's said is completely inexcusable and I'm sorry you had to hear that. I would prepare for someone coming out of the woodwork just because sadly it fits with this horrible cliché and the "deserving better" sounds regurgitated.

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MonochromeMinnie · 07/03/2021 07:25

Well what a prince among men he is, the selfish pig. I know you must be devastated now but in the long run you're better off without him. I hope you have support from family/friends.

So many men like the idea of family life, being a family man, and fail to realise that requires change, selflessness, compromise, understanding. They try it for a bit but all the while their whiney internal voice is bleating 'what about me? What about MEEE?'

Stay strong and know that you are awesome 💐

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lightand · 07/03/2021 07:28

So sorry.
What is he like now?
Not sure if you are asking for ideas, or understandably venting and sad.

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Sleepingdogs12 · 07/03/2021 07:29

I am really shocked to read this, I was just about to type he needs to get a grip on reality and get on with it beside you. A 4 week old baby is not easy to adapt to but really it isn't the time to proclaim you are stuck in a rut. Being charitable he may have significant Mental well being needs but he needs to get support for that. You need to decide what you want to happen if he wants to come back. So sorry for you.

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oohmama · 07/03/2021 07:36

CUNTTTTTTTT


so sorry op 😢

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minniemoocher · 07/03/2021 07:39

@SpaceDinosaur

So sorry, but it willing be ok, trust me. My life we have been so much better if exh had of left instead "for the sake of the kids" I stuck by being told I was only a mum and was unattractive until one day many years later her left. You deserve better

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YukoandHiro · 07/03/2021 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YukoandHiro · 07/03/2021 07:51

Sorry I've only just read your update....

So sorry to hear this. Shocking behaviour. "Nothing but a mother" is an awful thing to say to someone who has a 4 month old. At this stage there's nothing more anyone else needs you to be unless you feel ready.

YOU deserve better. I really hope this ends up being a positive new chapter for you, in time. I don't see how you can come back from comments like that

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mildlymiffed · 07/03/2021 07:53

@YukoandHiro did you read the full thread? The guy has left. Very much doubt the op is thinking about reconnecting.

He's an arse @SpaceDinosaur , and I am so so sorry that he is putting you through this. What on earth does it say about a guy who leaves his wife with two tiny children? What an absolute scumbag. Sending you strength Thanks

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Pregnantandanxious · 07/03/2021 08:15

How unbelievably horrible for you. Be kind to yourself and just try to get through this period of shock, the best you can until you feel stronger.

I actually think that in the future you will look back to this as a lucky escape.
The last year has been hard for everyone. Everyone. He's not alone in that. And yet instead of talking through his feelings and finding ways to deal with it he has, instead, taken the easy option and just blamed you for everything.

Of course it was hard for you both to not have him come to pregnancy appointments - and I say this as someone who has gone through the same thing - but there were other ways he could have supported you through the pregnancy and felt involved with it.

You say he has been a great parent but then say he has been deciding not to come home when work finishes. How does that make him a great parent or partner? When have you been able to say 'I don't feel like having the responsibility of being a parent so I will be staying out'?

The icing on the cake is the 'feel like colleagues' line together with what he said when he left. What exactly did he expect for the first few months of having a newborn, when you are sleep deprived and because of the health crisis have no outside support? Was he expecting a performance each night and you to he fawning over him? The first few months are hard. And as partners, you need to be a team and understanding of each other. It seems you have been trying to do that for him but he has decided you aren't worthy of the same respect.

Once the initial shock fades, find your angry, get organised in terms of what he needs to do as a parent and take a huge sigh of a relief that you won't be having to walk on eggshells around him anymore.

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category12 · 07/03/2021 08:26

I'm so sorry he's left you, spacedinosaur. Flowers

Like others, I wouldn't be surprised if there's an ow on the scene, hence the late returns from work.

You must be really hurting. Have you family nearby? I hope you have support. Flowers

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NotAgainNoMore · 07/03/2021 08:57

So sorry to read your update OP.
When I read your opening post (I didn't see the date) it screamed to me that he'd checked out and I wondered why you were shouldering all the responsibility especially with a newborn. He knows the drill with babies, not his first. Honestly, with all the separate hobbies, separate holidays, working odd hours - it did make me wonder how on earth you get to spend that much quality time together.
Lockdown has made a lot of couples re-evaluate their relationships with some holding onto hope that when it ends, things will improve.

What your DH has done is cruel. He has put this all on you. You didn't deserve that. So sorry you are going through this. Have you got support in rl? Flowers

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spacedinosaur · 09/03/2021 23:35

I have RL support. Really good RL support. Thanks.

It's been 9 weeks. Therapy has helped me hugely. He's attending couples with me and we are both attending alone. I limped in with the attitude of "what do I need to do to make him love me again". Instead I'm remembering that I have a backbone, i have been incredibly vulnerable whilst pregnant and he has withheld affection, stopped communicating and been abusive without laying a finger on me. I can see that now. I may be less than perfect in all areas but I don't give a fuck. I'm not embarrassed that I'm not a perfect housewife, that I work hard, that I put my children ahead of myself and that before I was subjected to emotional abuse and sustained manipulation, I was a fucking great person.

Couples therapy is helping to process the shit in a controlled environment.
I "woke up" last week, and he's still reeling.

Still no OW. No evidence, admission, I'm 50/50 on this.

I'm braced for whatever he wants to throw at me.

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