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DH seems to want to share his stress with me?

(47 Posts)
GiraffeNecked Tue 06-Oct-20 07:47:51

He is a stressY man, quite angry a lot of the time, but convinced he’s calmness personified.

I’m generally fairly easy going and a bit inclined to take more shit than I should for a quiet life.

He seems to want to get wound up about something then pass that stress on to me, so he can skip off and leave me 8n a tither. His dad does it to his mum too.

We’ve got plumbers in so are a bit at 6s and 7s.thats stressing him.

Stupid small example he cooked and cleared up last night. . He obviously forgot to clean out the noodle Pan before putting in Dishwasher so there’s noodles in the trap. He stops me in the stairs and asks who put the pasta in the dishwasher. I’m a bit confused as we haven’t had pasta so I said I don’t know he did the dishes last night and we haven’t had pasta for ages we had noodles.

He starts Saying noodles pasta same thing ‘v common word for same things. So I just said not Me. Th3n he start# faffing with ch timer as plumbing has changed it. So8 end up cleaning out the dishwasher and sorting out dh. And feeling stressed when I hadn’t been and he’s now singing in the shower.

Hmmmm.

H

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 06-Oct-20 08:01:10

Giraffe

What do you get out of this relationship now?. And why have you become inclined to take more shit than you should for a quiet life?. Is that what you learnt from childhood?. As you have seen that position does not lead to less problems and for a man like your DH it gives him even more power.

He has again done what he intended to do all along i.e make you confused, leave you to clear up his mess and dump this on you. He like his own father is a past master at this and indeed his father who does this self same behaviour to his wife. Do you actually want to be with someone like your DH long term?. You do not mention children here but if you are what do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

sophmum31 Tue 06-Oct-20 08:12:02

I absolutely could’ve written this about my ex. We had two sets of garage keys and he was obsessed by knowing both sets were where they should be. He would come in and start on “where’s the other set of garage keys” and I had to drop whatever I was doing to find them (usually in his pocket or on his desk). My friend always said, well just don’t do it, don’t look for them. But that made me feel even more stressed!

This among other things made me decide its not worth it and we separated 4 months ago. This kind of crap has been worse since as he is losing control and can’t stand it. It would be unlikely that he would stop this behaviour if it’s something he’s always done and is learnt from his dad.

GiraffeNecked Tue 06-Oct-20 08:13:55

Yes, the dropping whatever I am doing to help him!

OP’s posts: |
StephenBelafonte Tue 06-Oct-20 08:23:04

Another one here with an ex just like that. He would come home from work and go "where's the remote control are you sitting on it" so I'd have to get up to check even though I never was. It's exhausting. That's just one reason he's my ex

picklemewalnuts Tue 06-Oct-20 08:38:08

It isn't necessarily abusive- just very un self aware.

You need to grey rock these situations. The answer to everything is a calm 'I don't know' or 'oh dear'. Drop the rope. He can't drag you in if you don't hold the rope. He's giving you the rope and walking away. You walk away too. The noodles can stay in the trap, the thermostat can stay wrong.

Idontgiveagriffindamn Tue 06-Oct-20 08:41:30

He’s able to do this as you let him. You’re taking on these ‘stresses’ from him so you’re enabling him.
If you stop doing that and push the responsibility back onto him you may find he stops trying to pass the buck.

Shoxfordian Tue 06-Oct-20 08:43:15

Stop joining in with it

GiraffeNecked Tue 06-Oct-20 08:48:01

I’ve got much much better at not joining in. The remote control...yes, that too.

I don’t think he has any idea he is doing it.

He has had some incredible stresses over the past 5 years, some partially self inflicted and others definitely not. Real life changing stuff. But it’s the little stuff, the keys, the crappy little things.

I’m getting a bit peed off that I’ve supported him through these and he really doesn’t seem to see the effect it had on me.

He’s a kind man, but v self absorbed.

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Tue 06-Oct-20 08:51:53

Have you ever talked to him about this nonsense?

StephenBelafonte Tue 06-Oct-20 08:53:47

"I don’t think he has any idea he is doing it. "

Yeah that's what I thought originally. Turns out he knew exactly what he was doing. Boy did I feel stupid then.

GiraffeNecked Tue 06-Oct-20 08:59:29

He doesn’t see it at all. It’s counterproductive to talk about it when it happened and if I bring it up later He really doesn’t see it’s happened.

His family see it. His son was gravely ill in hospital and we were there with dh’s brother. Dh was in full on stress mode and being awful. Why didn’t I know what the car parking charges were for the car we had basically abandoned in the first spot we found and then run into the hospital. His brother, normally very mild mannered and not at all sweary just turned to me after and said ‘he’s a c**t isn’t he’.

And at times he is. But he’s no idea how annoying he is.

OP’s posts: |
GiraffeNecked Tue 06-Oct-20 09:01:02

Hmmm. Again. I’m starting to wonder. 10 years married, no kids (he has kids), nice life.

OP’s posts: |
picklemewalnuts Tue 06-Oct-20 09:05:57

My mum does something similar. If she's stressed everyone else has to be. She pokes and prods and picks and niggles until you are as upset as she is. It's not about getting you to do things for her (although I do), it's about being infuriated by people looking calm and relaxed when she is not. She'd get you up early, 'accidentally' wake you up at night if she can't sleep etc. It would never occur to her that it's unreasonable.

I'm not defending him- he needs to learn not to do it- but don't bother talking about it because he'll never understand and he'll think you are unreasonable.

Stand firm, push back. He needs to see it himself. Don't engage in conversation about it. Don't let him control your behaviour.
Sort out the dishwasher in your own time, if you want to do it.

Fortunategirl Tue 06-Oct-20 09:17:57

He’s grinding you down. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

littlestrawby Tue 06-Oct-20 09:18:26

I could have written all of these examples about my own DH. To put it politely he can be a real knob grin I've got better at handling it, he still manages to induce real anxiety in me at times though. He is a very obsessive controlling type of person and gets very stressed/struggles to let go of things, he projects a lot of that onto whoever is around him (lucky me). Always needs to appoint blame and point the finger. His mother is very similar so I think he struggled with her when he was young. I have sometimes considered whether the relationship is worth the stress that I sometimes have, but overall we have built a good life together (and have a young child).

littlestrawby Tue 06-Oct-20 09:19:35

Sorry my post was all about me!! But I can empathise. If you have nothing holding you to him, what is keeping you? Is there anything good in the relationship?

pumpkinpie01 Tue 06-Oct-20 09:30:21

You could just say' your an adult you need to work that out yourself' see what his response is.

gamerchick Tue 06-Oct-20 09:45:16

You can't change him, it's probably learned behaviour but you can change the way you handle it. There's no need to drop everything when he clicks his fingers and tell him what he's doing, while he's doing it. Why wouldn't you?

If mine comes home in a bad mood he will try and dump all that energy into me. He gets told to knock it off every time, I'm not responsible for that energy so don't give it to me. Tbf he will do it in return if I'm a grumpy sod. There are more constructive ways of dealing with how you're feeling than making your partner responsible for it.

Aerial2020 Tue 06-Oct-20 09:52:50

Yeah I've had this before.
Some days it's easier to bite back than others.
I usually say I'm not your mother or something like that. Whenever I'm told 'you need to do this......blah blah blah or I need you to organise me.

Nah mate.

picklemewalnuts Tue 06-Oct-20 09:55:49

I often say "use your own brain, mine's busy". Usually on the kids, but when I used it on DH he said I sound just like Pippa ( who apparently has to tell some men at work that she isn't their mother).

GiraffeNecked Tue 06-Oct-20 09:57:47

Thank you for the responses. I don't want to leave him, we have a nice life, he's supportive of me (when he notices I need it - or I tell him point blank).

But I do need reminding that his problems aren't my problems. And it is that need of his to drive the bad energy somewhere else or onto someone else.

On a good day he'll take himself off for a bike ride or a run and he'll recognise what he's doing or make a joke of it. On a day when all the little things are getting on top of him it can be a bumpy ride.

When I'm having a good day I'll take myself out of the situation - and leave him to it. Which I know is the thing to do. Stock phrases of That's a shame, I'm sure you'll work it out, these things happen....

It is very learned behaviour.

OP’s posts: |
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Tue 06-Oct-20 10:26:51

Can you be both self absorbed and kind? confused I don't think those traits tend to go hand in hand unless the kindness is conditional upon appeasing his selfishness, which isn't kindness, its a carrot.

GiraffeNecked Tue 06-Oct-20 10:38:36

I think you can be self absorbed and kind. He's not a bad man - but gets very wound up. He's got asperger type traits, he gets very obsessed about things.

It's less about him being awful to me and more about whether I can be bothered with it anymore. On a good day I ignore it. It passes and it's all fine. I've had half an hour watching something I want to watch on TV, or gardening or chatting with a mate and he's got over himself and found the garage key or the remote control or emptied the noodles out of the dishwasher and is singing in the shower again.

On a day when it gets to me then it's not so great.

He's not good at empathy - he finds it really difficult to see the effect his behaviour has on people.

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WakingUp55643 Tue 06-Oct-20 11:23:11

Oh wow, I really relate to this. Sometimes it's a real eye opener to come on here and read others' experience, and realise this is exactly what's happening to you!!!!
My DH gets really stressed about tiny things and just cannot do certain things like book train tickets online without it becoming a big drama. He asks for my help to do things like attach files to emails etc for HIS WORK that he's been doing for years, he goes into a panic with anything tech, like the youtube app got stuck on our telly the other day, and it was like the biggest emergency ever, and he asked me to put it right, as if I have the magical instructions to EVERYTHING. I tried something, and it worked, but he just cannot do this! Also, yes, I have to drop everything to help him do something, find something etc, and it's just draining by the end of it.
And absolutely yes, @GiraffeNecked, after all of this fuss, he'll go off and sing to his music as if he doesn't have a care in the world. Drives me nuts. He had me crying the other night, long story to do with me being out quite late helping my brother who had just got home from 7 weeks in hospital, also my son was crying because of the arguing, and the next day it's as if nothing has happened. I also think signs of Aspergers, and have thought this for a long time because of many things I haven't got time to go into. But yes, totally draining sad x

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