Dh leaving his business partner...

[Tenneson]

It's been 3 years of dramatic emotional up and downs - not with money, the business has been successful - hard work though. But BP has been hard work - emotionally manipulative, sulking, silent treatment - withdrawing, not coping well when tough decision need to be made, classic cake and eat it scenario - they want everything, playing the victim - no empathy, no apologies when they have clearly been in the wrong - everything about them, using the business as a lifestyle accessory.

They are brilliant at the technical aspect of the job - it's the sharing of the running bit that they don't handle well - they want to run the business in their head but in reality they don't - they can't accept reality.

Dh is attempting to remove them, via their contract but they are clinging on. Changing tactics - they tried being abusive, then upset, then charming and now begging. It's like a marriage break up for dh - he's finding it very difficult - he still wishes they could fix it - they've tried but it never works - his heart is not in the break up but the future is bleak if they hang around - with years of emotional upset on the cards.

Looking back the bp's behaviour closely matches a shy/covert narcissist I'm worried that he will cave - he shows sign of weakening and accepting them back, (he would really prefer to have a partner, just a more stable one.) The BP said they never fail - they always get their own way no matter how long it takes - funny how chilling those words are now.

[WannaBeMonica]

Is the BP a relative?

[Tenneson]

No not a relative - but dh is a hopelessly loyal type - they took the leap together into the business...he feels responsible for them.

[leafeater]

Is there any way they can carve it up, so the technical brilliance but isn't lost and your dh does the managing bit?

[Tenneson]

That has been attempted but they want to run the business - it's like an ego thing for them. The technical bit makes them just like any other employee - and for them that's unacceptable.

[Livandme]

Can't they get a third partner involved to run the business?

[AnaViaSalamanca]

What sort of a business is this? You are quite vague and posting n relationships. And using "they" rather than he/she. Is there any affair/emotional thing going on?

Anyway this is not an uncommon problem in small businesses but it's usually detrimental. If it's a thriving business, you can think about getting outside investors that can put some governance together. Or they can put a board together or get some NEDs etc. Running a business should't be an emotional thing.

[SaffyWall]

I could have written a very similar post a couple of years ago. Although it was totally laziness and greed that was the main issue with the BP.

We (me and DH) went through a huge stressful and difficult time leading up to buying BP out and, on a couple of occasions, thought about throwing the towel in completely because it was just so difficult to see how we could ever move forward.

Happily, after months of difficulties, we managed to complete the buy out of BP and have honestly never looked back, even taking in to account the horrors of 2020! Once BP was 'gone' we realised how much of our lives had been spent dealing with him rather than focussing on the business and we're so much more productive and efficient without carrying his weight around. Also - the skills/talents he bought to the business have been easily replaced by a couple of contractors who are much easier to manage and work with for lots of reasons.

At the beginning of the 'buy-out' we were advised to engage a solicitor which cost us quite a lot of money but was totally worth it as BP realised that we were very serious and it took some of the personal, emotional issue out of the negotiations.

It was such a difficult time but honestly, for us, it was totally worth every moment of anguish. We're totally in control now and that feeling is priceless.

[HeddaGarbled]

If they are equal partners, attempting to ‘remove’ the partner may not be feasible. Perhaps your H will have to dissolve the partnership and business, or leave himself.

[Tenneson]

Thanks for all your responses. I posted because I was in fear of this never ending - it has been problematic from the start, they talk and nothing seems to improve.
Yes it is emotional, not needed the bashing of Chat or AIBU as we are all feeling upset that it hasn't worked out, hence posting in relationships because they were close and had a lot of common experiences but there is no sign of an affair and even though we have found the last 3 years difficult (dh finds work stresses easy, relationship stresses are hard) dh does not want to be a shit about this and I don't want him to either because I know that would make him miserable - things have not worked out - they both have to take responsibility for that.
I believe the partnership can easily be dissolved - if there is a legal issue, dh said he would just walk away rather than be forced to work alongside them - it's the resolve not to cave into their charms after their abuse that I worry about.
In an ideal world dh would want them to continue to working with him on a contractor basis - but their ego so far has found that solution unpalatable - their income would be roughly the same. It surprises me how close to walking away from a marriage this feels - although I don't in any way feel like I am competing for dh's attention.
I might be worrying unnecessarily but bp has behaved in ways that has surprised me - I don't believe we will be able to get rid of them as easily as we hope.
And sorry for being vague - I don't want to be outed...even on an anonymous basis.

[Plussizejumpsuit]

Did BP set up the buisness with your dh? If so surely its not a matter of removing one party but buying out? Why does your dh get to decide who leaves? Is it as much the buisness partners buisness as your husband's?

[Tenneson]

Not quite that simple of being 50:50 - the business is people lead - no assets, just people, dh's reputation is what the clients buy into - he is a big name in the industry he is recognised and trusted. They shared profits on an hours worked basis and bp in the last 3 years has probably spend 1/3 of the time dh has - bp took a lot of holiday and unpaid leave - which was frustrating and surprising, they had verbally committed to lots of hard work initially but they were well within their contractual rights not to.
Dh could walk away, he'd find it easy to continue to work - not sure what employees would do. BP could not and would not want to run business alone - business is too new still all person led - bp has not worked hard enough to maintain their contacts, during their time off.
The contract specified that there would be no transfer of funds if someone walked away - so bp could take over but would not be committed enough to want to do this.

[Lazysundayafternoons]

We have just got to the end of this after 6 very long months from the BP saying he would walk away. (Then changing his mind and making things as difficult as he can before finally going).

Seek legal advice straight away and just stick with it. I was very tempted for dp just to give it all up but we kept going and jumped through plenty of hoops to get everything in line for BP to leave and we finally got there.

BP hasnt worked in the business since March and the business is any busy (If not busier) than ever and dp is happy going to work.