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He searched my messages ...

(56 Posts)
ArthurMorgan Mon 05-Oct-20 12:37:36

I've done something really stupid, there's a backstory, I'll fill you in.

I've known a guy, I'll call him 'g'. For 20 years since I was 15. we always had a thing though nothing ever happened apart from kissing. We only ever saw eachother sporadically, like for 2 weeks hanging out and then not for 6 months / a year etc, and we never got together. I always thought I had feelings for him though.

When my DD was born, I hadn't spoken to g for about 3 years, but he messaged me and we started talking for a few days, nothing much at first but then it got sexual in nature, I didn't reciprocate but I didn't exactly stop him either, it's how he's always talked to me, I wasn't comfortable with it but I've never been assertive. He declared his love for me so I told him the truth that I had loved him for years but I'm in a relationship with a new baby and I was happy. That was the end of it... Except my dp read the messages, all of them. I didn't blame him for being angry with me at all and I told g what had happened, blocked him and that was that. I also deleted Facebook not long after.

I reinstated Facebook about 6 months ago, there's a lot of school stuff on there plus I was being insecure about being left out etc (needy I know).

I got a message from g about 2 weeks ago, small talk, how are you etc. I replied like "I'm alright how are you doing" etc. Nothing much. He asked about my mother (he knows her) I filled him in on that whole other issue, it was stressing me at the time he asked. He mentioned trying to kill himself 3 times and was in a bad car accident etc etc. I was sympathetic but it was very much a me me me conversation.
We ended up having a row because he started calling me out on blocking him for no reason previously and my dp is controlling (for stopping us talking) as well as some hurtful comments about me in general. I told him some home truths, he apologised, I said "ok whatever" and deleted the conversation as I was angry at him still. I had no intention of talking to him again but I was working up to deleting and blocking him as 4 people I know have killed themselves in the last 3 years and I literally couldn't take the blame for tipping him over the edge.

Dp checked my phone this morning whilst I was getting DD ready for school and saw a "?" Message from g. He's gone mental. Saying I'm a cheat, he's never trusted me and never will again, a really huge rant on whatsapp ( he's at work ). I've told him the truth about it all and apologised but he wants me to fuck off.

I know I shouldn't have replied to g but.. well I don't know. I do everything for DP, he works but is here a lot. He has depression and social anxiety so I've always looked after him. Apart from work I do everything else.. I've supported him and stuck by him through it all and he thinks this little of me that he checks my phone because I've been on it (playing lemmings usually...) When I've gone to bed early and he's come up and "caught me" ..his words. I know I'm out of order but I do feel really hurt ☹️

OP’s posts: |
StephenBelafonte Mon 05-Oct-20 12:41:53

I'm sorry but i'd be ending my relationship too if my partner did this to me.

I'm assuming the house is in his name. What will you do for accommodation?

ArthurMorgan Mon 05-Oct-20 12:47:56

I don't know. I have nowhere to go and no money.

OP’s posts: |
Ginger1982 Mon 05-Oct-20 12:48:35

I would have dumped you after the first time. No wonder he's angry as it clearly looks like you've been 'carrying on' with g again. I think you need to really analyse whether you want to be with your DP but I wouldn't bet on him wanting to be with you now. Why should he forgive you a second time?

StephenBelafonte Mon 05-Oct-20 12:49:54

You'll be entitled to benefits though. Is he your DD father? Who will your DD live with? If its you you might get priority housing. And you'll also be entitled to child maintenance.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 05-Oct-20 12:50:43

Both these men are ultimately no good for you. You've actively parent one (your current partner) and G sounds like a predator and master manipulator. He met you when you were 15 and so you had no real life experience behind you. Is he by chance a lot older than you as well?.

What was life for you like at home when you were growing up?. You do not have to answer that at all but I would give this question some serious thought. This may well be how G managed to worm his way into your life; he targeted you because you were vulnerable and he has and continues to exploit this in you.

You need to be on your own with your child without either of these two men in your life now. I would also suggest loving your own self now and for a change too. You are absolutely NOT responsible for the actions and choices of other people so why do you think you at all are?. Again is this a lesson you learnt in childhood?.

Jayaywhynot Mon 05-Oct-20 12:55:29

If you revered your post everyone would be saying LTB.
He caught you once now he's caught you again.
I assume you're not working as you say you have no money, so your DP is housing you and paying the bills and you are talking to an old flame behind his back and he's caught you twice.
If I were him I'd kick you out

rottiemum88 Mon 05-Oct-20 13:00:32

Ultimately you deserve what you get really. Even if your story is true, it looks bad and if it was the other way round you’d believe your partner was a liar and a cheat too.

If you’re not happy with your partner then leave. Staying with him because you have no money makes you a user. Have some self respect and start trying to do the right thing.

Thingsdogetbetter Mon 05-Oct-20 13:00:41

Although you had a partner and a child you didn't shut down or block the not-just-a-friend bloke when he turned the conversation sexual, but instead responded to his declaration of love with your own. Not surprised your partner was angry!

Then when he comes crawling back you engaged again. Why wasn't he still blocked? Get into intense conversations, and even arguments and you still don't step away and block. I'm working up to it is bollox. I won't believe a partner if they said that to me.

The fact that you support your partner and you do everything thing for him is not a reason to respond to a bloke who tries to engage you in sexting and you had declared love for.

I can't work out if your partner had always checked your phone regularly (out of order), since seeing the first lot of sexting accidentally (hardly surprising) or twice because he was suspicious and it turned out he was right to be?

A shite relationship where you don't feel appreciated needs to be sorted out or finished. Not used as an excuse. Most of your op is justifying your actions. Like it wasn't a conscious choice to continue engaging when you know it was wrong.

SoulofanAggron Mon 05-Oct-20 13:01:01

told g what had happened, blocked him and that was that. I also deleted Facebook not long after.

I got a message from g about 2 weeks ago, small talk, how are you etc.

So you actually didn't block him then. If you'd blocked him he wouldn'tve been able to message you. If you reinstate your account, the blocks in place are stiill there.

If you made a new account, he must be pretty obsessive to be searching your name in the hope you turn up again.

PurplePansy05 Mon 05-Oct-20 13:03:05

I once loved someone a bit like G. Funnily enough, his name did actually start with G.

Our relationship was never "official" although for years we were extremely close and it was very intense. We were young, in our early 20s. There are plenty of good things I could say about G and in many ways we were a great match. For years I thought he was the love of my life.

But.

G was a master manipulator, commitment-phobe and he was effectively using me (and other people in his life, including other women) as he pleased, whenever required. G has really damaged and skewed my view on relationships for a long time.

I tell you this because I completely believe the only way to get out of a relationship with someone who is manipulative is to go no contact, 100%. No ifs or buts. I tried everything else before and it never worked. Going NC was hard and he didn't want that at all, he was ringing me for years for birthdays and Christmas. No answer.

I think if your partner knows your story with him, he is completely right to be hurt and I would be too. I think you betrayed him. I also think you are still vulnerable to being manipulated by G and it's a shame you've allowed it to go this far.

Not sure what to tell you, but my instinct is that you don't love your partner and you've settled. I think you need to understand your own feelings first right now and then likely leave and when you're actually ready, start a new relationship with someone completely different.

ArthurMorgan Mon 05-Oct-20 13:03:16

I understand that I'm totally in the wrong here. I know it sounds really pitiful but honestly I'm so lonely. All I get from dp is criticized as moaned at. I can't even make a comment about top gear without being sighed at because he's "seen it 14 times".
I've grown my hair because when I cut it he wouldn't talk to me on holiday because I looked like a butch lesbian and he was ashamed of me. I'm fat and I'm needy everytime I want a cuddle or to hold his hand. I don't want him to hate me or to leave me, it was just nice for someone to want to talk to me for a change.

Like I said I know I'm really wrong and I'll keep apologising to him but I've really screwed it and I do know that.

OP’s posts: |
AllsortsofAwkward Mon 05-Oct-20 13:04:23

You carried out the conversation when it was in appropriate then after blocking and deleting fb you decided to reinstate it and unblocked him and starting reconnecting. If the sexes were reserved you would be told to ltb. You behav3d appallingly.

ArthurMorgan Mon 05-Oct-20 13:06:22

I'm sorry I made a new Facebook account when I signed up, I didn't reinstate it. So he just saw my name and messaged me. I didn't unblock him. Not that it matters

OP’s posts: |
picklemewalnuts Mon 05-Oct-20 13:08:15

It sounds like you haven't lost anything, to be honest.

Your DP isn't much of a catch, and G is a manipulative waster.

You've probably behaved badly but you'd be much better off to start from scratch and raise your standards- for them and you.

PurplePansy05 Mon 05-Oct-20 13:08:51

OP, neither of these two men is good for you. Have you no maturity in you to see it? You sound like your self esteem is at the rock bottom. Please open your eyes. You need to leave and build up your life. You have a child. Take responsibility for your life and actions. You can do this.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 05-Oct-20 13:11:19

I was going to write very similar to PurplePansy's post.

Neither of these men are good for you and G has certainly played you like a violin here. Your current partner sounds abusive as well frankly with all his huffing and puffing about not just to say refusing to talk to you because he was ashamed of your appearance.

I would rebuild your life without these two in it at all going forward as well as suggesting counselling for you.

ShalomToYouJackie Mon 05-Oct-20 13:19:27

I would've reacted the same way as your DP, you've broken his trust.

However, your DP sound like an arse and it's probably for the best if you split up

Beautiful3 Mon 05-Oct-20 13:21:05

Both men are no good for you. You're better off on your own.

Chocaholic9 Mon 05-Oct-20 13:23:14

ArthurMorgan

I understand that I'm totally in the wrong here. I know it sounds really pitiful but honestly I'm so lonely. All I get from dp is criticized as moaned at. I can't even make a comment about top gear without being sighed at because he's "seen it 14 times".
I've grown my hair because when I cut it he wouldn't talk to me on holiday because I looked like a butch lesbian and he was ashamed of me. I'm fat and I'm needy everytime I want a cuddle or to hold his hand. I don't want him to hate me or to leave me, it was just nice for someone to want to talk to me for a change.

Like I said I know I'm really wrong and I'll keep apologising to him but I've really screwed it and I do know that.

Your "D"P sounds awful.

RaspberryToupee Mon 05-Oct-20 13:23:26

Men like G are all the same. They seem to have a sixth sense for when you’re not thinking about them and getting on with your life. Then they message you with the same lines - they love, they can’t stop thinking about you. If he’s with a partner, then she doesn’t get him like you do. He misses what you both had. You always had such a good connection. As harsh as it sounds, realise that G will always do this and do not respond to him. He will keep doing this if you let him and every time he won’t mean it, you’ll still be on the sidelines wondering what’s stopping him.

As for your partner, I don’t blame him for being hurt and just seeing a ‘?’ Message from G looks dodgy. However, he clearly doesn’t trust you after you broke his trust previously, otherwise he wouldn’t still be checking your messages. You don’t say how long ago the first message incident was and what you are doing to rebuild the trust but I’m not sure if there’s anything left to build on I’m afraid.

crazychemist Mon 05-Oct-20 13:24:33

OP, you seem quite aware that you’ve really messed up here. I’ve got to say, if my DH behaved like you had, I don’t know what I’d do (because you have a small child) but it would have destroyed a lot of the faith I have in our relationship and I don’t think it could recover - you accepted you were wrong the first time, but then did it again! How can you expect your DH to trust you?

On the “bright” side, it doesn’t sound like you care that much about your DH anyway, you’re describing a pretty miserable relationship when you feel unvalued and unwanted. So maybe this is exactly what you both need - to reasses if you want to be in this relationship, or if both of you would be better off out of it. Yes, financially you’d be a bit stuffed, but people do work these things out. Start looking for a job now, in case your DH decides he has had enough.

FourPlasticRings Mon 05-Oct-20 13:25:07

Oh dear, OP. I'm.not going to kick you when you're down- you already know you've made some errors in judgement here. You're clearly unhappy with your current partner and, while that's not an excuse, it does go some way to explaining why you were willing to jeopardise your current relationship for the sake of am ego stroke from an ex. I think you know what you need to do now.

ArthurMorgan Mon 05-Oct-20 13:31:17

You're all right. All of you. I'm a mess mentally, my sil has said DP is abusive more than once, g is manipulative, my mum is controlling and abusive and has cut me out of her life. I have no friends except dps family and now they'll all rightly hate me as well. I'm literally going to have no one and nothing for the sake of some pretend emotional contact. I'm a joke. Thanks to all of you for saying it how it is. Definitely an eye opener.

OP’s posts: |
Bluetrews25 Mon 05-Oct-20 13:33:45

It sounds like you desperate for any crumb of attention that anyone (even a sleazebag) sends your way. Hence your unwise responding to the messages.
I read about shark cage analogy today thanks to another thread.
Have a look, google it.
You are worth more than being ignored / barely tolerated by your DH and potentially being used by G.
flowers

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