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We are like housemates not a couple

(13 Posts)
Hummousandfalafel Mon 05-Oct-20 11:08:28

DH and I have been together for 40 years.

I don't really know how to explain what there is between us - affection & friendship is there but there is no intimacy, either physical or emotional. We talk to each other but it's all superficial stuff - something in the news, gossip picked up from a neighbour etc. We laugh together. But we never talk about important stuff that concerns our lives.

For example, we never ever talk about money. I don't know how much DH earns, how much he's got (he was left some money by a relative, how much he was left or which bank it's in I've got no idea), I don't know how much our bills amount to (I give him half my wages each month towards household expenses), I don't have a well paid job and often run very short of money just before pay day but I could never ask him to lend me £10 for petrol etc. I think he'd judge me as failing.

We never talk about plans for the future. He's content to sit home watching football and listening to music. In my head I make plans for days out etc. but he doesn't want to do any of it. We don't make plans for holidays & aren't working towards any goals together. I see other people (colleagues, relatives etc) who talk about how they're planning something - a holiday, house renovations, a new car etc. and they have a joint goal & a plan , however haphazard, to achieve it. We have none of those things. I suspect that one day he will come home from work and tell me he's retired without every mentioning beforehand.

On the other hand when I had a long stay in hospital last year he came to see me everyday even though it meant catching 3 buses there and back. So I assume that he does care about me.

I'm unhappy and lonely and don't know how to change things.

OP’s posts: |
TeeBee Mon 05-Oct-20 11:11:37

Have you spoken to him about it? Does he know how you feel? Do you think couple's counselling might help? He may not even know you feel this way.

madcatladyforever Mon 05-Oct-20 11:17:12

This really isn't a relationship. You need to have a long talk with him and maybe suggest that you are thinking of leaving unless there is a complete sea change starting with transparency about money.
It will cost him a lot more to divorce you that to be honest about what he has.
It sounds to me that this marriage might have come to it's natural end. I simply cannot imagine living like this and have divorced husbands for less than this.
It isn't a life. Would he care for you selflessly if you got sick? Although three buses everyday really is a LOT! Help you out if you had financial problems?
At the very least you need couples counselling to work out if this is worth keeping or not.
I don't think you should do nothing. It could be he just doesn't realise how deeply unhappy you are and how miserable the financial situation makes you.

peach1234 Mon 05-Oct-20 11:26:51

You've been together 40 years and you don't know what your husband earns or how much your bills are or speak about the future? Surely you must've had these discussions at some point? How do you plan anything that's happened in your lives together?

ValleysGirl72 Mon 05-Oct-20 15:36:29

@Hummousandfalafel this sounds very much like me! I`ve been married almost 29 years, I`ve never known how much he earns or anything like that! He pays most of the bills out of his wages and I pay some out of my wages, plus I was responsible for the children's` lunch money.

We have always had separate bank accounts. I give him a set amount every month towards the rent.

We`ve very rarely discussed any financial matters, and I usually find out after the fact if he`s taken out a loan etc. He occasionally buys himself a locomotive (that's his thing!) but then pulls a face if and when I buy myself something, which doesn`t normally cost £100 plus!

He did say a few weeks ago that after his current loan is paid off, we can either book a break to New York or put the money towards a car for me. In an ideal world, I`d love to have both, but a car would be of more benefit to me at the moment.

We spend most of our evenings watching the TV, usually watching what he wants to watch, so I usually end up on my phone or the laptop. He`s forever watching repeats, if there`s something on that I`d like to watch I usually end up recording it and watching it at a later date.

I can`t remember the last time we did or went anywhere together, I know that lockdown has played a big part, but even before lockdown I don`t remember us doing anything as a couple.

I think we may have outgrown each other, we married quite young. I was barely 19 and he was almost 21. We have 3 grown up children.

Shortfeet Mon 05-Oct-20 16:03:09

Please talk to him.
Don't do anything drastic

ScribblingMilly Mon 05-Oct-20 16:13:36

"..when I had a long stay in hospital last year he came to see me everyday even though it meant catching 3 buses there and back. So I assume that he does care about me."

That's lovely. You can safely assume he cares about you very much. Would you think about going out for a day on your own or with a friend? Taking up a hobby or activity? Starting to stretch the boundaries yourself?

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 05-Oct-20 19:05:39

You need to talk. If anything happened to him (God forbid) you could find yourself in a very precarious situation, not knowing where the money is or what bills need to be paid.

Can you sit him down and say that you need to talk - maybe phrase it as your recent hospital stay has made you think about what 'might' happen. I'm sure there are things of yours that he may need to know what to do with in the event of you being unable to communicate your wishes.

It will give you an 'in' to start a discussion, at least. You can take it from there.

Millymootoo Mon 05-Oct-20 19:09:54

Wow 40 years. That's incredible. I'm 8 years in and currently going through the exact thing. My partner is kind and helpful. We raise our kids. But sex and conversation are rubbish. He also doesn't ever get things done and I have all these ideas and I can't motivate him to get to it. He painted the kitchen when I asked but he's not finished the ceiling. Drives me mad.

Ive got no advice really. My eyes are sort of wandering off at the moment too which is s cary.

I'm fed up and it sounds like you are too. I think after only 8 years it's almost insulting to give you any advice. I don't have the answer as you will be getting to a different stage of life to me. But I know how you feel

Onthemaintrunkline Mon 05-Oct-20 19:25:59

I think you husband cares for you a great deal, a great deal. His hospital visits battling public transport every day surely confirms this. I wonder if you haven’t slipped into certain habits, yes you should be aware and know all aspects of joint finances, be able to plan future projects and discuss dreams for the future, but I do wonder if he is a bit lacking emotionally. I don’t mean that nastily. Considering how things are now it’s going to take a considerable rethink on his part to open up. If you read him the letter you posted here what would his reaction be? Does he know you feel this way? Is there a chance he might be quite shocked. Talk to him and good luck.

BubblyBarbara Mon 05-Oct-20 20:00:08

To be fair finding a good house mate is ridiculously tough so I wouldn’t make any hasty moves.

Fortunategirl Mon 05-Oct-20 20:06:37

I’m 20 years in and it’s like this for me too. I have no idea how much he earns or where any of our joint money is.

widespreadpanic Mon 05-Oct-20 22:55:15

He sounds like he cares for you a lot. Talk to him about how you feel. And Maybe you can suggest some topics for conversation or find a hobby you can share. I wouldn’t throw away everything until I tried my hardest to fix it, esp after so many years together

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