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Dh paying for Chaturbate

(134 Posts)
MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Sun 04-Oct-20 22:53:03

Please help me articulate to my dh why this is wrong. I have tried to explain why I am so angry but he diminishes and ignores me. This is typical of him when he doesn’t want to discuss something, he will just ignore it. I am not articulate enough to be able to explain myself when I am so upset about something. To be honest I can’t be bothered anymore but I feel that he needs a proper explanation of how this makes me feel without me getting emotional and upset mid sentence.

This is the second time that I have caught him using this website. The first time I told him that I found it very upsetting and he was quite remorseful and said he understood and was sorry.

A couple of Saturdays ago he left his phone unlocked and lying on the bed. I will admit that I snooped. My fears were justified, he had a message from the bank asking if he meant to make a payment of nearly fifty pounds the previous evening to Chaturbill or Chaturbate or whatever it was. His answer was yes. This was when I was upstairs, having just gone up to bed. Clearly he would rather be watching other people having sex than doing it with me.

I have been resentful and angry with him ever since. I want to just shout at him that it is beyond disrespectful and hurtful but somehow I can’t get the words out. I tried tonight, I said how would you like it if I was watching other people have sex? He said well that’s the sort of thing you’d do! No it bloody well isn’t you ignorant twat, we’re talking hypothetically! Don’t just turn it around on me and rewrite the narrative!

However I try and present my argument he will feign ignorance and let me tie myself up in knots. He knows damn well I will get upset and irrational. I need to write it all down and present him with it. Please help me with some perfectly worded statements as to why this is destroying me.

For context, we’ve been together twenty five years, married fifteen and have two girls. We have a lovely life usually, he has a good career, we own our own home and have paid off our mortgage so no financial worries. I’m a stay at home mum with a part time job and a few voluntary things that keep me busy. On the surface everything’s all good. Underneath, I don’t have any access to the family finances bar his disposable income that he does actually share with me each month. All the savings, investments, etc are in his name. I wouldn’t be able to fund a divorce. To be honest I wouldn’t want to, why the fuck should I uproot myself and the children? I love my home. I love everything about my life except the small fact that my husband finds other people having sex more attractive than me. We did actually have an ok sex life, I thought. Silly me.

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Aerial2020 Sun 04-Oct-20 22:57:16

Hang on wait, your husband of 15 years has all the financial stuff in only his name? And you don't have any access to the family finances?
This sex website is a red herring
You've got bigger issues going on than that.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Sun 04-Oct-20 23:01:47

Yes I know but that’s how it’s always been. If we want anything done on the house for example, I organise it all and then give him the invoice and he pays it. When it’s my turn for a new car I do all the research and order it etc and he transfers money over for me to pay for it. It’s not that he won’t pay for things, it’s just always been his accounts. Probably from before we met. I don’t think he’d be so willing to pay for a divorce though.

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MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Sun 04-Oct-20 23:02:42

Thanks for answering though.

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Mischance Sun 04-Oct-20 23:07:28

He is being defensive and attacking you because he feels bad about it.

Maybe ask him how he would feel if it had been one of your DDs rather than him who had found it on his phone.

I have no easy answer for you, but do feel for you. I hear that you feel very hurt and he does not get it.

I hope very much that you will find a moment to have a proper discussion about this when feelings are not running quite so high.

Mischance Sun 04-Oct-20 23:08:05

sorry - "rather than you" not him.

jdoejnr1 Sun 04-Oct-20 23:09:52

No offence but his porn habits sound like the least of your problems!

thorforever Sun 04-Oct-20 23:11:04

It doesn't matter if he wants a divorce. You are entitled to at least 50 % of the all three family assets. Doesn't matter if they are in his name or not. Have a look at the chump lady site. Go and talk to a lawyer. You need to decide if this is acceptable to you that he does this. If it isn't then you learn and enforce your boundary. He knows how you feel about it and is doing it anyway.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Sun 04-Oct-20 23:14:01

That’s exactly what I need, I need to enforce a boundary. He just doesn’t see it, or has become so oblivious to me that he doesn’t think it matters. I wonder if I could get a free time slot with a solicitor to remind him of what I’d be entitled to should all this go tits up?

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Aerial2020 Sun 04-Oct-20 23:17:26


Yes I know but that’s how it’s always been. If we want anything done on the house for example, I organise it all and then give him the invoice and he pays it. When it’s my turn for a new car I do all the research and order it etc and he transfers money over for me to pay for it. It’s not that he won’t pay for things, it’s just always been his accounts. Probably from before we met. I don’t think he’d be so willing to pay for a divorce though.

Yes well you need to change this.
How can you not know your accounts?
Saying that's how it's always been isn't very equal is it.
He could be doing anything with your money.

Aerial2020 Sun 04-Oct-20 23:19:21

Why can't you for your own car yourself or pay the invoice yourself.
He might as well give you pocket money whilst he's at it.
Get the divorce if that's what you want and see what comes out. I bet you be surprised.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Sun 04-Oct-20 23:20:37

I didn’t put any money in there. I just spend it. It’s all from his earnings. I know I contribute to the household in other ways but everything he’s invested or saved or inherited has been from his own money. He doesn’t withhold it, although I haven’t tested that by asking for eg a divorce.

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MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Sun 04-Oct-20 23:23:08

I only mentioned it to explain why I can’t pay for a divorce. I can’t buy myself another house either but I don’t think he’d be able to afford two houses. Anyway, I don’t want to divorce him. Well not yet anyway.

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Gladysthesphinx Sun 04-Oct-20 23:28:39

Do you love him? I'm not picking that up at all, but maybe that's just because you're angry?

notapizzaeater Sun 04-Oct-20 23:33:20

You've no idea if you could afford 2 houses, just as you've no idea how much he's wasted in these sites.

SandyY2K Sun 04-Oct-20 23:35:12

He knows you don't like him watching the website. You don't need to find words to articulate it, he knows exactly how you feel about it.

He'll just keep on doing it. I just don't see why people pay for this when there's so much free stuff online. It's a total waste of money.

Are your DDs in school?

NW2SW Sun 04-Oct-20 23:37:43

Parking the financial imbalances for a moment. I don't really think you need to articulate why your husband paying a premium for porn would upset you, he'd have to be an absolute moron to not understand that. The question is why does he do it? A kink, stress or just because he thinks he can etc? Would he answer that?

You seem pretty happy with your life, but your husband didn't really feature in that description.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Sun 04-Oct-20 23:47:36

Without the porn, I’d say he’s my rock. He’s my best friend. He’s known me over half my lifetime and always been there for me. He helps around the house. Pulls his weight with the housework, diy, etc. He’s a great dad. Actually does stuff with the girls and enjoys it. He’s got a good career that he’s worked bloody hard for. He’s respected in his field and very skilled and experienced at what he does. Before all this porn business kicked off again I’d still get excited when his car came up the drive when he came home from work. We were a typical old married couple. Bringing each other cups of tea without having to ask. Finishing each other’s sentences. We share the same interests. We were very close. Lots of cuddles. Lots of thoughtfulness and mutual respect and consideration.

Now I feel hurt and ignored and confused as to why he thinks watching and paying people online to have sex for him is perfectly ok. And why he seems genuinely bemused at my not being ok with it. Compete lack of communication going on, on both sides.

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MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Sun 04-Oct-20 23:50:41

You've no idea if you could afford 2 houses, just as you've no idea how much he's wasted in these sites.

I know he’s got a bit in the bank but we’re not talking hundreds of thousands.

Are your DDs in school?

Yes. I’d love to find myself a well paid job but I haven’t had a proper job in nearly fifteen years. I have no transferable skills or relevant experience in anything. Plus I have a dog so I can’t be out all day every day.

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GabsAlot Sun 04-Oct-20 23:57:01

is that what it is you p;ay other people to have sex so just you can see it?

thats really weird im not against porn per se but free stuff-i dont think you have an equal marriage u shouldnht have to ask for money everytime you want something

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Mon 05-Oct-20 00:04:41

I think that’s what it is, you watch other people doing stuff and then you can pay to get them to do as you ask. So you’re actually interacting with real people in a sexual way. Like online cheating.

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Antibles Mon 05-Oct-20 00:04:44

Here's my standard post on this subject:

Don't fall for the gaslighting, OP. You're entitled to your stance on porn and your porny git of a partner. He'll almost certainly keep on using it so your choices probably boil down to a) put up with it or b) ditch him, sorry to say.

Unparalleled access to porn is ruining relationships left right and centre. The sheer amount and variety is ruining some men's ability to get turned on by one samey old partner, however gorgeous she is.

Exploitation aside, so many women feel porn is a betrayal within a relationship. Because viewing other women's naked breasts, arses and vaginas is not forsaking all others, is it?

Marriage vows were written before the advent even of photography. They don't cover this issue because the technology didn't exist. If they were written today they would probably take into account this new ability to access explicit imagery of other people's private parts so easily. Private being the operative word. No, chaps, you are in principle actually not supposed to be looking at any other women's vagina if you are in a monogamous relationship. That is how many women feel about it and their feelings are valid. Except because it's not written into the contract, you've all been working very hard to persuade women that you are entitled to so long as you look but don't touch.

So it's fine because you're not touching these women hence porn isn't cheating? Okay, then strip clubs and web cams, sexting and paying someone to come over and gyrate in your bedroom naked is all fine too. There's no logical difference between these things and the filmed version. Equally, men should be fine with their wife sending pics of her vag to their best mate or earning money on web cams or whatever. No touching there either, is there? Funnily enough, I don't suppose they're massively keen on that idea.

It's a massive gaslight of women to say their feelings of betrayal are misplaced prudishness or insecurity. It's not insecurity, it's the traditional principle of other people's private parts being off limits if you're in a monogamous relationship - touch and sight. A principle which has been trampled over in a massive stampede ever since the advent of the camera.

GabsAlot Mon 05-Oct-20 00:11:02

oh no i wouldnt be having that

newnameforthis123 Mon 05-Oct-20 00:13:19

He has free access to porn but it isn't enough - he wants the power of being able to pay a woman to do what he specifically wants when he wants for his pleasure. So it's the power and the paying that he gets off on. That's why it's so much worse than porn, he wants control and enjoys the power imbalance and 'woman on demand' experience. Vile.

newnameforthis123 Mon 05-Oct-20 00:16:49

He’s a great dad. Actually does stuff with the girls and enjoys it.

How would he feel about a man who paid for your daughters (when they are adult) to let's be honest, pretend to masturbate and perform sex acts on camera on demand for the mans pleasure? How would he feel if they did that to fund say a university education? Or just chose to do it? How would he feel if their future husband did that? If they were really upset by it and that husband made them feel they were being unreasonable to be upset? I would wager he would think the guy was a misogynist sleaze and would hate for your girls to do that as adults. Aka he's a hypocrite.

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