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Leaving husband 4mo baby

(80 Posts)
SRP111 Sun 04-Oct-20 11:58:00

I have come to realise that I hate my husband and every day I despise him more. I want to leave but we have a four month old baby. We are supposed to be buying a house and husband has made it clear that if I do not agree to buy the house with him he will not leave unless he can take the baby with him. He can’t afford the house on his own and says it is his dream property. If I use all my savings and go on the mortgage with him he says we can separate (he basically loves the house way more than me) but he wants the baby at least two full weeks a month even though he works full time (says he will take baby to his mum every day while he’s at work). I am breastfeeding and anyway can’t bear to be away from my son for two whole weeks every month so I’m forced to stay with him for my sons sake. He won’t sleep in separate beds either and says I can sleep in a different room if I want but away from our son. Baby wakes to breastfeed several times a night and my husband doesn’t wake up to him stirring unless he’s full blown crying. I hate the thought of him looking for me in the night and me not being there. Husband is oblivious to the fact that the baby needs his mum and says formula is better than breastfeeding anyway (think he just hates the fact that the baby needs me for something). As far as I’m aware he legally has the right to take the baby and I won’t be able to do a thing about it. He’s also got nationality of a different country and could potentially take him there where the father has full rights and mum has none. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate that my son will grow up in an environment full of hate and arguments but I also can’t see any way out without giving up two weeks a month seeing my little boy (and potentially having my husband take him away for good).

OP’s posts: |
TheProvincialLady Sun 04-Oct-20 12:06:07

Go and see a solicitor ASAP. No court will make you separate from your breastfeeding baby, let alone for 2 weeks at a time. Your husband is most likely trying to frighten you in any case rather than actually wanting this.

Whiskeylover45 Sun 04-Oct-20 12:07:40

He sounds awful OP. Firstly, you can leave with baby regardless of what he thinks or says, so you leave with baby. Take any passports for the baby. Is there anyone you can stay with? Plan it so he comes home one day and your gone. No drama no threats. Secondly you let him take you to court for access. I can assure you there isnt a court in the land who would take such a small baby about from his mum for that length of time and certainly not one who is EBF. Hes scaring you. Maybe see if you can get a free half hour with a solicitor to find out where you stand. I would imagine they would advise against buying a house together as it would make things messy. Especially if you arent married.

Do you have any family or friends who could help you?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov Sun 04-Oct-20 12:10:15

Are you in the UK? You can leave with the baby. Why would you buy him his dream house? Has the baby got a passport?

nicelyneurotic Sun 04-Oct-20 12:10:38

This sounds so worrying. Please take advice from a family solicitor to know where things stand legally. He is bullying you and it doesnt sound like he has your DC's best interests at heart. I'd be tempted to keep a record of his behaviour to you and your child (forcing formula, ignoring crying until child is distressed).

I understand that a breastfed baby cannot be removed from its mother. I breastfed my baby for almost 2 years and one of the reasons was that I didnt want DC to go to my ex-DH overnight. A lawyer can help you know your rights here

SRP111 Sun 04-Oct-20 12:15:52

I am only considering helping him buy the house so he will leave to be honest. I don't care about the money I'm just fed up of being miserable. He is a good dad but we just don't get on and we make each other unhappy. He doesn't intentionally let the baby get distressed but he's a deep sleeper whereas I wake up the second baby starts to stir. He says I can't force him to be apart from his son and that the baby will miss him at night 🙄

OP’s posts: |
TheProvincialLady Sun 04-Oct-20 12:38:59

You should care about the money because it represents security for your baby. Don’t give it to a shit head to keep him quiet. He won’t be quiet anyway.

user15412486546 Sun 04-Oct-20 12:42:28

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid. This sounds like coercive control. (Which is a crime).

As for good dad, no!

He must have worn you down for a long time for you to be accepting this stuff as normal or true.

travailtotravel Sun 04-Oct-20 12:45:27

Not an expert but can a prohibitive steps order stop the baby's father taking baby overseas without permission? A useful precaution. Also if you haven't applied for a passport for baby you can fo thiscand keep it as that will prevent your partner from doing it.

Mainly, he sounds like a controlling ass who does not realise you have a say in how this goes. Given you'll need the money for the baby and you, don't buy the house.

user15412486546 Sun 04-Oct-20 12:46:37

As far as I’m aware he legally has the right to take the baby and I won’t be able to do a thing about it. He’s also got nationality of a different country and could potentially take him there where the father has full rights and mum has none.

Are you basing this on what he's told you to get you to stay?

If he took your baby out of the country without your consent it would be considered an abduction.

There are lots of things you can do to free yourself of an abusive man and remove him from your home.

says I can sleep in a different room if I want but away from our son

What would happen if you took baby to sleep in a different room with you? What would he do or what are you afraid he would do?

DPotter Sun 04-Oct-20 12:49:09

A father who leaves he's child crying at night until the child is distressed is not a good father. I care not one fig for him being a deep sleeper.

He's trained you well to think he's word is law. Well there's a bunch of people on here to tell you his word is not law. He's talking bollocks.

Don't buy a house with him, just gets you more entangled and you'll need access to ready cash when you leave him.

PotteringAlong Sun 04-Oct-20 12:51:02

You also need to get a passport for your baby ASAP and then hide it so your husband cannot apply for a passport and then take them out of the country.

HollowTalk Sun 04-Oct-20 12:53:23

Oh god, don't buy a house with this man! You will be liable for all the debt on it. And don't pay any attention to him having the baby for two weeks of the month - that's just ridiculous when the baby's tiny.

If you can afford a solicitor, contact one first thing tomorrow. If you can't, then contact women's aid.

HollowTalk Sun 04-Oct-20 12:54:09

Do you have family you could go to for a while?

funnylittlefloozie Sun 04-Oct-20 12:55:10

Is he violent? Are you afraid of him?

First things first. You will NEVER be told to hand over a tiny, breast-fed baby for 2 weeks at a time. It just will not happen. So please stop worrying about that.

If you have enough money of your own to provide a deposit on a house, you have enough money to go and rent a little flat for just you and your baby while you decide what to do. Do not use it to try and bribe your husband into leaving - why would he leave once hes had a house bought for him? That doesnt even make sense. Once you've bought him a house, he will throw you out, and you will be left with no money and reduced access to your son.

I'm assuming you live in the UK. If your DH comes from a country where women have fewer rights, he may think its the same here, but he is WRONG. Take your money and your little baby, who needs YOU more than any other human in the whole world, and get free.

Bikingbear Sun 04-Oct-20 12:56:01

Op you need legal advice.
Why would you buy him a house, why would you not use that same money to get you into your own house?

MarriedtoDaveGrohl Sun 04-Oct-20 12:58:31

Jesus no wonder you hate hiim. Use that money to get you and baby out somewhere safe. Then see a solicitor to ensure he can't take baby out of the country and limit his contact.

He's lying to you and if you don't see a solicitor you'll believe him. Get out and ensure he's under complete control before he sees the baby again and NO OVERNIGHTS.

Giraffey1 Sun 04-Oct-20 13:01:18

Babies are not pieces of furniture as your H seems to think. He can’t just take your child .. ‘it’s the house or the baby’ is not a realistic scenario. You need to obtain some proper legal advice and in the meantime, is there somewhere else you can go , family, or friends? It would be good to gather some support around you.

What about your current home - are you renting somewhere together?

Giraffey1 Sun 04-Oct-20 13:04:11

He doesn’t have the legal right to take the baby, don’t swallow his lies! And he is NOT a good father. A good father would care about his child and that does not include removing said child from the mother!

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 04-Oct-20 13:09:17

Please don’t buy a house with him to get rid of him. This will not work. No court in the land will give a tiny baby to the father for overnight stays, especially an ebf baby. Please go and stay with friends or family - leave him now. He is not a good husband or father and you cannot allow him to get hands on your child or your money. flowers

Starfish1021 Sun 04-Oct-20 13:11:27

You wouldn’t be separated from your tiny baby while you are breastfeeding. But you do need to get legal advise. And no you should not buy the house this man.

SRP111 Sun 04-Oct-20 13:14:35

To answer other questions baby has a british passport and we are currently living with my parents. They have health problems and I don't want to cause them any stress. Last time I asked husband to leave the house he came back after half an hour demanding to see his son. My mum got very upset and it resulted in her having a flare up of her illness so I really don't want to do anything to cause upset to my mum and dad

OP’s posts: |
dublingirl66 Sun 04-Oct-20 13:18:36

Ok I think you need police and WA

Could you pack his stuff and leave it somewhere when he goes to work?

He is an abuser
He needs to get out

Then court will help with possibly every other weekend access when baby is older?

I have been through this and best thing I did was listen to the clever people on here

No judge will allow two weeks access at a time
Lies and threats
You must be so scared

Me and DD fled before she was 5 months we had no choice

equilibrium25 Sun 04-Oct-20 13:18:55

Can I give the male view?

Your husband sounds disgusting. Any man threatening a woman is terrible, but threatening the mother of his baby?

He is trying to control and manipulate you for his own gains, pure and simple.

You've had some great advice here.

Do talk to a solicitor, first thing tomorrow.

Do NOT even consider buying the house.

If possible, do go and stay with a friend or family. Without warning your husband. Get out when he is not around.

Nothing he is doing sounds right to me at all. He is a dreadful husband and an awful father. The first job of a father is to make sure the mother is ok, he is utterly failing at that and actually doing the reverse.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 04-Oct-20 13:19:38

What do you parents want you to do?

He’s playing on your mother’s illness by the sound of it. Don’t let him.

Do your parents want him living there? It sounds as though he is abusing them too.

Is he paying rent? You could just arrange for the locks to be changed on all the doors then pack his things and leave them on the doorstep. If he tries anything 999 is the number to call.

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