Context - I was in a horrific , seriously abusive marriage for 15 years . Did freedom program and left .
2 years later I start dating a again . A few frogs later I meet this wonderful guy . He’s extremely gentle , caring , and opposite to my abusive ex in every way imaginable. He tells me early on in the relationship that he suffers from anxiety and clinical depression and takes antidepressants and has ongoing therapy . I also strongly suspect he is autistic . I work with people in autism so am trained to spot it ( but not diagnose ).
Shortly into Covid , a few terrible things happened to him . He lost his job due to Covid , his previous employers breached confidentiality re his mental health , he ran into massive financial difficulty, a bereavement, and a few other unpleasant events in his personal life . I would see him push me away when he was very low but he would always return back to me .
As he reached new lows in July he suddenly ended it with me . He said he felt he had nothing to offer me and needed to focus on his mental health . I was distraught but told him I understood how he felt and would give him his space ( although I was dying inside ). After this he would still text me intermittently and we ended up spending a few days together in August at mine ( which were wonderful ) and have met up a few times since . I asked him to define what our relationship status is and he withdraws and becomes distant when I do this . We will meet every few weeks but he will barely text me in between . I’ve stopped initiating contact as when I do make it , I get one word answers if at all. When we meet up , we spend the day together . He’ll open up to me and we pour our hearts out to each other and it always ends up with us having passionate sex .
So , I found out he was texting another girl as he spends hours online despite not making an effort to text me much and i saw texts on his phone pop up on the screen from her when we were together . Nothing ominous but very friendly / warm .
I asked him who she was and if he was involved with her . He promised me he was not emotionally involved with anyone . I became quite upset . He is still online constantly but I barely hear a word from him .
I’m madly in love with him . When we’re together , it’s magic . He will hear me out and address every concern I have in life in the most caring and empathetic way imaginable . Then when I’m not physically present with him he becomes distant as if he’s afraid of committing to me the way we were before . I’ve tried to cut him out of my life as the uncertainty is making me insane . I failed each time as the heartache was too painful .I told him how I felt and he said ‘I’m starting a new job , let me focus on settling into work now and then we can address this once am settled in . Right now I’m very overwhelmed with life ‘.
I know this sounds like more hard work than it’s worth but after everything I’ve been through I’m very strongly drawn towards him and feel very much attached to him . He has great qualities as a person and we fit together on so many levels . We have so much in common and being around him is so ... easy and comfortable . After my abusive relationship I suffered PTSD which is often triggered by being in male company however with him he is so soft and gentle I feel nothing but ease . We never argue or clash and any disagreements are settled respectfully without any bad blood . He is just so refreshing to be around .I’ve found his presence also very healing in many many ways . And I know he has relied on my emotionally too . We’re good together .
Should I wait it out, set a deadline for things to change , or just find the strength to end this on my own terms ?
Any advice appreciated .
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Depressed/ autistic bf pushing me away
confuzion · 03/10/2020 15:05
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