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Depressed/ autistic bf pushing me away

(51 Posts)
confuzion Sat 03-Oct-20 15:05:51

Context - I was in a horrific , seriously abusive marriage for 15 years . Did freedom program and left .

2 years later I start dating a again . A few frogs later I meet this wonderful guy . He’s extremely gentle , caring , and opposite to my abusive ex in every way imaginable. He tells me early on in the relationship that he suffers from anxiety and clinical depression and takes antidepressants and has ongoing therapy . I also strongly suspect he is autistic . I work with people in autism so am trained to spot it ( but not diagnose ).

Shortly into Covid , a few terrible things happened to him . He lost his job due to Covid , his previous employers breached confidentiality re his mental health , he ran into massive financial difficulty, a bereavement, and a few other unpleasant events in his personal life . I would see him push me away when he was very low but he would always return back to me .

As he reached new lows in July he suddenly ended it with me . He said he felt he had nothing to offer me and needed to focus on his mental health . I was distraught but told him I understood how he felt and would give him his space ( although I was dying inside ). After this he would still text me intermittently and we ended up spending a few days together in August at mine ( which were wonderful ) and have met up a few times since . I asked him to define what our relationship status is and he withdraws and becomes distant when I do this . We will meet every few weeks but he will barely text me in between . I’ve stopped initiating contact as when I do make it , I get one word answers if at all. When we meet up , we spend the day together . He’ll open up to me and we pour our hearts out to each other and it always ends up with us having passionate sex .

So , I found out he was texting another girl as he spends hours online despite not making an effort to text me much and i saw texts on his phone pop up on the screen from her when we were together . Nothing ominous but very friendly / warm .

I asked him who she was and if he was involved with her . He promised me he was not emotionally involved with anyone . I became quite upset . He is still online constantly but I barely hear a word from him .

I’m madly in love with him . When we’re together , it’s magic . He will hear me out and address every concern I have in life in the most caring and empathetic way imaginable . Then when I’m not physically present with him he becomes distant as if he’s afraid of committing to me the way we were before . I’ve tried to cut him out of my life as the uncertainty is making me insane . I failed each time as the heartache was too painful .I told him how I felt and he said ‘I’m starting a new job , let me focus on settling into work now and then we can address this once am settled in . Right now I’m very overwhelmed with life ‘.

I know this sounds like more hard work than it’s worth but after everything I’ve been through I’m very strongly drawn towards him and feel very much attached to him . He has great qualities as a person and we fit together on so many levels . We have so much in common and being around him is so ... easy and comfortable . After my abusive relationship I suffered PTSD which is often triggered by being in male company however with him he is so soft and gentle I feel nothing but ease . We never argue or clash and any disagreements are settled respectfully without any bad blood . He is just so refreshing to be around .I’ve found his presence also very healing in many many ways . And I know he has relied on my emotionally too . We’re good together .

Should I wait it out, set a deadline for things to change , or just find the strength to end this on my own terms ?
Any advice appreciated .

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 03-Oct-20 15:43:11

If this relationship is your definition of being good together then your boundaries in relationships need serious work and revising.

I would walk away from this codependent and emotionally unhealthy relationship before you get more hurt than you already are. This man is no good for you at all and you could be trauma bonded to him as well as being addicted to the great highs and deep lows attendant to this whole relationship. You may well also be confusing love here with codependency. He is messaging other women and is seeing you only as and when he feels like a booty call. The push me pull you is attractive but ultimately this is going nowhere and he enjoys the power he has over you.

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. Love your own self for a change and if you have not already looked at the Freedom Programme I would suggest you enrol yourself onto this. Consider also what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 03-Oct-20 15:48:43

What are you to him?.

And you may well be wrong with assuming he is autistic as well and merely because you are trained to spot it. You are still no expert and you may well be wrong. Even if he was autistic its still no excuse or get out clause for his actions and choices. He is still treating you very badly here with you sadly allowing yourself to be used and abused like this. You've basically gone from one abusive relationship with an abuser to yet another one and that scenario often happens too.

TwentyViginti Sat 03-Oct-20 15:57:11

We’re good together

Not really.

I’ve tried to cut him out of my life as the uncertainty is making me insane

Cut him out for good. He's toxic to your MH.

Limeandlemon Sat 03-Oct-20 16:11:35

The other posters are right this is a codependent relationship. Please watch self love u on YouTube, the lady is a genius at getting you out of this mess....a big kick up the butt.

He’s treating you awfully and he knows your not going anywhere.
If you continue with this push pull bullshit your self esteem will further plummet and you will be a mess, any future relationships will be really difficult for you.
You have codependent tendencies, it’s not your fault but you need to retrain yourself before you are ready for a healthy relationship. It will be hard but you can overcome this.
You are worth wayyyy more than this and making excuses for him being autistic is really just you putting a label on him being emotionally unavailable. You will always be chasing this guy, he doesn’t have the capabilities or capacity to love you or anyone really. Run for the hills. Heal yourself and stop picking the wound. No contact, no fb stalking, block. Block and block.

PicsInRed Sat 03-Oct-20 16:16:08

Your entire focus in life has become about him and it's making you ill. Yet I can almost guarantee he gives you not one second thought when he's not with you.

It isn't autism, it's arsehole.

PicsInRed Sat 03-Oct-20 16:17:19

And google "mirroring". I doubt you've even met the true him - not that you would like him if you did. Real him is probably pretty scary.

confuzion Sat 03-Oct-20 16:32:40

Ok, maybe an exaggeration to say I never hear from him . He will check on me 1/2 days later after a meet up with something like 'ًhope you're doing well , tell me how you've been '. I'll answer and then it tapers off whilst in the past we would talk over the day . He knew I was unwell recently with possible Covid ( had repeat tests that were inconclusive waiting for final one ) and has checked in daily to see how I am . In August I was involved in a minor car accident and he came over right away and helped me sort everything out ( which is how he ended up spending a few nights )It's just compared with how things were before July , the input is very little .

I've done the freedom program . I've had therapy to recover from a narc .I know about mirroring . I've blocked and deleted plenty of guys whenever I've suspected they were abusive / players. Why don't my alarm bells go off with this guy when I see signs of abuse everywhere else ? I'm so disappointed in myself and my choices.

OP’s posts: |
confuzion Sat 03-Oct-20 16:36:01

Also, he has said to me bluntly ' I can't deliver what you deserve . You're worth so much more . Just forget about me and move on '. My narc ex would never have said anything like this .

I know I should do it . But I feel a strong connection and find it really hard.

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Sat 03-Oct-20 16:36:02

Maybe he's just avoidant but, either way, he can never make you happy, you'll be miserable and what's the point of it?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 03-Oct-20 17:08:48

This strong connection you have is fake and is codependency. Why are his needs here more important than your own?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. It seems you're still playing out destructive relationship patterns that perhaps began in your own childhood. What relationship example did your parents show you?.

So he's now told you a version of the he is out of your league.

Sounds to me like he's starting to back off and is sowing the seeds of a split ("It's me not you, you're out of my league, you deserve better" bullshit) so it's not so shocking for you. As I say, walk away now from him before you become even more over invested and or hurt by him. He really does not give you a second thought when you are not present and is indeed messaging other women. You're further being tested here by him to see how much crap you will put up with from him.

Limeandlemon Sat 03-Oct-20 17:16:20

Also, he has said to me bluntly ' I can't deliver what you deserve . You're worth so much more . Just forget about me and move on '. My narc ex would never have said anything like this .

He is telling you very clearly he’s not interested in offering you a relationship. He is telling you that he doesn’t want a future with you. Listen to him.
He’s quite happy to take what your offering because you are willing and accepting his crumbs. He will use you until your no longer happy being used, after all he’s been honest with you.
He’s taking advantage of you.
He wants sex, everything on his terms, no real commitment or official label.
I’ve been where you are and struggle with it everyday trust me, I think about him every day almost all day but I value myself more than putting up with that shite and never feeling good enough.
I’m healing very slowly but I will never go back to accepting crumbs, the highs and crushing lows, sacralising my self respect.
He sees you online and doesn’t initiate conversation until it suits him? Nah fuck that, he’s not into you the way you are him and he never will be and it’s nothing to do with you, he is emotionally unavailable and that’s the way he is and wants to be. Nothing will change.

confuzion Sat 03-Oct-20 17:16:50

The relationships I grew up observing were terrible . I have been through all this with my therapist . I don't know why I am finding myself here after having unpicked my past to pieces .

He's been saying the same for months all starting in July when he was admitted to hospital twice for attempting to take his own life . His depression is quite severe and this makes me hesitant to judge him . I know it's all true as I've read his medical notes and been to see him in hospital also . He has form for overdosing and self harm .

I'm so confused . I left a horrifically abusive narcissistic man that I was terrified of and that was a massive achievement for me but this I find more painful . I feel like such a failure . All my other aspects of my life are successful and I find it very difficult to accept I've made poor choices again .

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Sat 03-Oct-20 17:18:29

You are trying to force yourself into what will become an emotionally abusive relationship. Maybe because that's what you know. Love is pain. Love is angst. Love means working on it. Love is all consuming.


Your posts sound like bog standard codependency-type woman wallowing in her comfort zone of poor troubled man / soul mates / not like all the other boys / I have no power over my own choices / excuses excuses excuses for his unsavoury choices / your thinking is all about him not about you / martyrdom

Stop. Stop it. Just stop. Block and delete.

confuzion Sat 03-Oct-20 17:26:14

My ex was very difficult to be with .
Every single conversation was a painful headfuck.
Every outing ended up in a horrific argument .
I was constantly treading on eggshells . I couldn't speak my mind or have my own opinion without him waging war against me . He's pick a fight and confrontation out of nowhere and corner me like a caged animal .
That was me believing love needed work and compromise until it nearly broke me and I left .

This guy does not feel like my ex. ( we've been together 18 months now , things changed post Covid ).Our time together is lighthearted . We've never rowed. It feels effortless .
What's hurting is the withdrawing when we're not together .are they both just different sides of the same coin ?
I hear what you're all saying . I'm coming to understand I need to let go . Do I leave a last message or just block and delete ?

OP’s posts: |
EvenMoreFuriousVexation Sat 03-Oct-20 17:26:48

He has been as plain as possible. He's just not that into you. You want more from him than he's prepared to give.

You could stay FWB - which from his point of view is what's happening now - bug given your emotional torment over this, I really wouldn't advise it.

Relationships aren't either abusive or perfect. Lots of the time it's more like "well, he or she is a decent person, has their flaws like all humans, but we're just not quite right for each other."

Do you feel you've fallen so far into this because he's the first bloke you've met who hasn't rang abuser bells?

TorkTorkBam Sat 03-Oct-20 17:31:30

He has been treating you badly and you never rowed and you think it is effortless?! This is a bog problem. When it comes to men you are disconnected from reality.

I suspect your way of thinking is: everything is good*

*if you exclude all the bad stuff

How you end it depends on your last interaction. What was it? When was it?

TwentyViginti Sat 03-Oct-20 17:32:35

He tells you all about his self harming and suicide attempts and lets you read his hospital notes.

Why do you think this is?

HoundOfTheBasketballs Sat 03-Oct-20 17:35:24

I think the key thing here is that just because he isn't the same as your ex, doesn't mean he isn't bad for you.
Just because he doesn't shout at you or frighten you doesn't mean he is treating you well or making you happy.
There are lots of different men who are good for you and lots of variations of men who are bad for you.
If he truly loved you and wanted to be with you he wouldn't ignore you when he wasn't with you. He would be thinking about you and wondering what you were doing, so he would call and text you and see how you are. That's what good men do.
Good luck in making the right choice.

confuzion Sat 03-Oct-20 17:36:21

How you end it depends on your last interaction. What was it? When was it?

Last night I had a missed call at 11 as I was asleep and he dropped a text to say ' how are you feeling x'
To which I replied this morning ' a little better '
To which he replied 'glad to hear it '
That was it .

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Sat 03-Oct-20 17:36:40

I bet your ex wasn't like that at the beginning, though, eh?

They're always plausible at the beginning.

confuzion Sat 03-Oct-20 17:37:45

*He tells you all about his self harming and suicide attempts and lets you read his hospital notes.

Why do you think this is?*

I honestly don't know . What do you think ?

OP’s posts: |
confuzion Sat 03-Oct-20 17:38:47

*I bet your ex wasn't like that at the beginning, though, eh?

They're always plausible at the beginning.*

He was domineering to start with but I was very young and stupid .

OP’s posts: |
Hoppinggreen Sat 03-Oct-20 17:39:00

He’s not your ex
Sounds like that’s the best thing about him for you. It’s not a healthy relationship for either of you

Suzi888 Sat 03-Oct-20 17:43:52


Also, he has said to me bluntly ' I can't deliver what you deserve . You're worth so much more . Just forget about me and move on '. My narc ex would never have said anything like this .

I know I should do it . But I feel a strong connection and find it really hard.

Listen to him, he’s literally telling you he can’t give you what you want.

But he will accept no strings sex and company, for as long your happy to provide it.

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