Help me reply to my not DBro

[Sickoffamilydrama]

I'll try to keep this short but probably won't!

Our parents had a very angry toxic relationship, Dad drank to much and still does. Mum very emotionally immature, anyway Dad left DM for another women when I was 19 DBro was 13/14 I'm in early 40s now so a long time ago.

DBro has always struggled he kind of thinks the world owes him a living, he drinks to much and can be nasty angry and aggressive.

On my Dad's side there's a family business and DBro years ago worked in it but had to be sacked because of his behaviour.

I've always worked in a completely unrelated field but had got a lot of management experience so 7 years ago my dad suggested I retrain and then come work in the family business. I took a pay cut and went got experience in a customers business then came worked in the business took an MBA that started whilst my youngest child was less than a year old so safe to say I've worked at it not just walked in and now I'm a director in the business.

The business is linked to a family trust and for the last few years all the cousins have been getting £10k payout which is nice although not this year as Covid has caused lots of problems and a major supplier of ours has been having problems. We were very close to going under but I actually think we've pulled ourselves through it and that is partially down to me and my leadership, the family know about this as we wanted to make sure they were aware in case the worst happened.

So I have been trying to improve communication within the "family" who benefit from the trust most of them grew up going to events playing in the offices etc. Every 3 months or so I arrange a video call and update them on how we are doing my not DBro never attends these video calls and always makes a drama about it in some way.

Did one the other day he didn't attend which is fine and sent everyone so slides I'd shared basically our strategy and future plans.
I've now got an abrupt email from him basically taking the piss out of how I double barrel my name for work and use my maiden name ( which the business is called so bloody obvious why I'd do it) and saying why would I want to know this does it affect me or my children.

There is a huge back story of him always being.an arse I think I'm done but how do I make that clear without more drama?

Said I wouldn't be short!

[Sickoffamilydrama]

Dsis has just pointed out is haven't been very clear

To clarify, post zoom meeting I sent a group email with the slides thanking everyone.
The response from him:
Does this effect me or my children?

And before anyone says I know I'm extremely lucky to have been given this opportunity in the business which is why I jumped at it and also push my hardest to make it a success I've had a once in two/three lifetimes opportunity.

[rorosemary]

I'm not sure you should react tbh. You don't have to defend your choice of name because it isn't up for discussion and he actively chose not to attend the zoom meeting so chose not to be updated. It sounds to me like he wants your negative attention, so don't give it to him.

[Sickoffamilydrama]

Have you been speaking to my Dsis @rorosemary she said the same.

For my own self esteem I kind of want to set a boundary with him as he's been so nasty in the past but maybe no reply is the best boundary.

[combatbarbie]

Do yous all get 10k a year? Or just the cousins?

[Namechangedforthisoct2]

@rorosemary haha I’m the dsis, you and I must have attended the same mumsnet lessons of no reaction is the best reaction!

[Namechangedforthisoct2]

@combatbarbie everyone does, but this was the first year in the last six that none of us did.
Maybe he’s bitter and angry about that as he doesn’t really work so that’s his annual wage (which actually normally means go and buy a ridiculous car, then plead poverty and ask mummy and daddy to send money for food for your starving children!)

Which is slightly exaggerated but no far off the truth!!

[rorosemary]

[quote Namechangedforthisoct2]@rorosemary haha I’m the dsis, you and I must have attended the same mumsnet lessons of no reaction is the best reaction![/quote]
I don't think no reaction is always the best reaction. I'm dutch and(so) pretty good at confrontation . But in this case there is no winning since the brother is clearly trying to get a negative reaction out of your sister.

I'm glad you support her.

[Sickoffamilydrama]

I'm actually thinking I'm done with him and I won't have any more contact expect sending my niece's bday & Xmas presents they live abroad so we never see them.

Suppose in a way I'm not looking for a reply to the email as such then am I more validation that I can just cut him out which he's pretty much done anyway.

I think as well I'm still trying to understand why he hates me so much what have I done that's so terrible to warrant all the shitty things he's done.

[Sickoffamilydrama]

And what the fuck happened with the men in our family they are all arrogant arses.

[Namechangedforthisoct2]

100% yes!

[Namechangedforthisoct2]

But luckily us women are awesome!

[SeaToSki]

He probably doesnt just hate you, he probably hates everyone

Can you find it in you to feel sorry for him? It must be a really shit way to live if you can only hate everyone. Doesnt mean you have to move your boundaries or help him or anything really, it just changes your perspective and maybe helps you to rise above it

[blueberrypie0112]

sometimes family can be too toxic and any association just keep reminding of it, even if it is siblings who always looked after each other. I would leave him alone and be more understanding.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Keep an eye on those name changes honey, I always bugger them up so I no longer bother :o

I agree that no reaction is the best reaction. He is too used to getting handouts and now that there isnt one, he is kicking off.

I suspect "is this going to affect me and my kids" is more about inheritance. What is the plan with the business going forward in terms of ownership? I have a friend who had a similar issue. Two brothers went into business. B1 had a dd who wasnt in the business until she was in her 40's, lots of experience and became MD. B2 had a DS who walked into a job at 18 and swaggered around fully expecting to be the big boss. Except he was shit and unpopular so left. B2 also left, being bought out by B1 so the business is now entirely and legally owned by B1 and will be left to his DD.

B2's DS is now demanding to know what his share of the business will be when inheritance day comes around and has kicked off MASSIVELY on learning that it will be 0%.

Thinking your brother is expecting a big pay day too when your father dies.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

Ah he's a chip off the old block. It happens. Ignore him he's not getting better.

And what's with all of these people standing around holding their hands out reaping the rewards of your hard work? People are very quick to think running a business is easy. Very slow to do it however.

I hope you are being paid at least market salary (Director level that is) and then some. You deserve it for dealing with all of this crap on top of running the company. I'd be tempted to see a solicitor and see what my options were moving forward. Paying out thousands to people who contribute nothing is not good for any business.

[Sickoffamilydrama]

Yes definitely expecting a big pay day when Dad dies I think that's part of his problem is Dad is well off, Dsis & I have always been independent until recently and never asked our expected anything whereas he's bitter because he doesn't have the lifestyle he wants but hasn't done anything to achieve that lifestyle.

I did feel sorry for him but his behaviour has eroded that.

The trust is set up so it will be divided equally amongst the two sides although as there's less children on my dad's side we will have a bigger share so more control. I am dreading it as it will probably be a bun fight but then my grandparents set it up so the trust retains over all control so think th at will prevent it.

[Sickoffamilydrama]

Hadn't thought of that @MarriedtoDaveGrohl very true most of the family are fine but that are a couple who are upset they don't have more say/control.

Yes after lots of pushing my salary is good although not 100s of k or anything like that and I'm sure it's less than some of the other directors who got the business into a mess, well more let it sleep walk into one but that's a whole other story!

[mallorytower]

You need to be water tight on this. As a director value yourself more. If you are pulling the business out of a hole then you deserve lions share of any bonus and that should be decided in writing. Are you protected? Don’t martyr yourself to make a point that you are easier work than your brother. What happens if your father dies? You want to see what you’ll be getting in writing. You also want more control of the business as you’re doing all the work. Start demanding more. If it was me, I’d write back to my brother “I’m very sad to read your childish response. I have studied and worked very hard in this business that provides the whole family an income. If you can’t respect me to write a nice reply to my communications then I won’t be communicationg with you again. Ever. If you’ve got issues with your childhood then you really should be seeking professional help to deal with them and not bitching at me”
He’s lashing out because he feels hard done by.

[OldBean2]

My boss has a response to rude or unwanted emails that I have taken to using and that shuts down further conversation, "Noted.' I think that covers it, don't you?

[Isthisit22]

I'm a bit surprised you gave up an independent career to go and work for your aggressive, alcohol dependent dad. Sounds like a lot of stress now and more to come.
As PP have said, protect yourself in your business role and ignore your brother

[justanotherneighinparadise]

@Isthisit22

I'm a bit surprised you gave up an independent career to go and work for your aggressive, alcohol dependent dad. Sounds like a lot of stress now and more to come.
As PP have said, protect yourself in your business role and ignore your brother

OP has gained a huge amount of experience and a job title that will no doubt serve her very well if she seeks employment elsewhere.

[Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]

I'm extremely petty. So absolutely don't listen to me. But I'd be tempted to respond "which part specifically?" And then be in a never ending spiral of aggressive emails. A plague on both your houses. But after a massive rant to DH (or DSis if I had one I'm sure) I'd get over it and ignore.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

He is angry at the world and has a massive chip on his shoulder. You ignore him. He is beneath you.

[Dozer]

First, congratulations on your business skills!

Ignore the email from your brother. You’re already low contact so can continue that way. You could seek to take some emotion out, for yourself, by treating him like an irritating customer/supplier/work colleague.

Suggest a read of recommendations from the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board.

Also agree with PPs about reflecting and perhaps getting advice with respect to your personal work/financial/legal situation.

[Sickoffamilydrama]

Thanks all for your thoughts, yes it was a risk switching careers one that DH & I discussed at length. We both thought the opportunity to eventually earn at least double if not eventually quadruple what I was on plus high levels of autonomy was worth the risk.

I also think if the worst happened I have enough on my CV to go several directions including manufacturing or healthcare.

Yes it is a struggle at times to work for DF but he doesn't exhibit his worst side at work and has improved over the years not that I'm excusing how he behaves or behaved just that I can cope with it.

I'm tempted to go with the noted as that will just shut him down or @mallorytower's response problem is I always find him pulling me in and making me feel awful and hurt, I want to minimise the affect he has on me. I probably need to put him in the mental box labelled nasty pieces of work and stop trying to understand why or expect a different response from him.