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I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

(428 Posts)
enjoyeverymoment Thu 01-Oct-20 13:21:52

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

OP’s posts: |
Lazypuppy Mon 05-Oct-20 10:46:21

I wouldn't be having sex with him. Sinple as.

I'm likely to have this issue qith my DP who seems very nervous about the big V, but i've made my position clear already, we want one more child and after that i expect him to have a vasectomy. If he doesn't that's his choice, but we won't be havibg sex. I am not risking getting pregnant for a 3rd time

weedoogie Mon 05-Oct-20 10:31:08

I had a vasectomy; this was my experience of it:
A. Totally painless; I'm a complete wimp, but it really was completely painless, both during the procedure and afterwards
B. Had no effect on my libido; I'm exactly as horny as I was before
C. Had no effect on any sensitivity; sex is exactly as much fun as it was before
D. It has had no noticeable effect on my semen; my ejaculate looks the same, there's exactly as much as there was before, it's the same consistency, same colour and apparently tastes the same
E. There are two very small scars on my scrotum; they're not painful at all
F. I had to shave for the op. I did it myself, so no embarrassing process of a nurse shaving me.
G. Discovered that I really like having shaved balls! Never tried any topiary before...
H. Discovered that my partner likes shaved balls......

In short, there is nothing to be scared of.... the whole process was simple, not embarrassing or painful and has left me and my partner with easy, interruption-free, anxiety-free sex.

S00LA Mon 05-Oct-20 09:46:08

She is choosing to NOT use HER BODY for sex with a man who dont give a shit about what HER body has been through. Again, he is NOT OWED SEX

Exactly. So many men ( and some women obv) believe that being in a Het relationship means that the woman owes the man sex. And if she doesn’t do what he wants with her own body, she is “punishing him” and “withholding “ and “ controlling “ and even “ abusive “.

It sounds less about mutual pleasure and more about him controlling and using his property.

It used to be legal for men to rape their wives. Now it’s illegal to use physical force, some dudes now think it’s Ok to use other means to coerce their wives / partners / girlfriends and sometimes even friends into having sex with them. Or perhaps more accurately - providing an orifice they can wank into.

How very sad that so many women buy into this misogyny.

And as for the men using female names on MN to espouse these views - don't think you are fooling anyone - we see you.

Racinglikeapronow Mon 05-Oct-20 09:39:56

@Dontknowwhyidoit * This is what happened for me as my husband didn't want one but after listening to the doctors he changed his mind as he would have had to look after the kids while I recovered *

Wow what a prince among men. Only changed his mind as otherwise he would’ve had to care for his own children for a while. Jesus Christ.

squeekums Mon 05-Oct-20 04:20:26

Alongwayfromeverything

If you swapped the genders round in this debate, mumsnet would be up in arms.

If a man was insisting his partner was sterilised...
Withholding sex until she did...

Totally agree with previous posters who say it’s abusing. It’s his body and his choice.

I had a vasectomy. Heavily pressured into it by my now ex-wife. The procedure was straightforward and after a couple of weeks of pain it was all fine. Still the odd episode of a dull ache but nothing too bad.

However I’m in a new relationship and the vasectomy is very much a sore point as we haven’t decided if we would like to have a child. If we do, I’ll need to have it reversed.

Basically I was forced into it by a coercively controlling woman and I now regret it hugely.

Again - it’s his body. He shouldn’t be pressured into it, just as he shouldn’t pressure you into getting a coil or any other type of invasive contraception. But if he would rather use condoms that should be fine.

Its NOT abuse for her to say no to sex if she feels contraception isnt up to scratch, aka condoms not enough, failure rate to high for OP to risk it and FAIRLY so
He is NOT owed sex
She is choosing to NOT use HER BODY for sex with a man who dont give a shit about what HER body has been through. Again, he is NOT OWED SEX

saleorbouy Mon 05-Oct-20 00:15:38

‘What if we break up and I want to have kids again?’ is NOT a stupid thought if the female in the relationship is is the one who has decided she has finish having children. Before having a vasectomy or any other sterilisation procedure there are lots of questions that need to be answered. These should be discussed together and the GP should encourage you to think hard before giving consent.

1. What if we break up?
2. What if a DC dies.
3. What if current partner dies and you start a new relationship.
4. Do we want more kids.
.
The vasectomy has a very poor reversal rate that requires more than reinstating plumbing, after a while the testes no longer produce viable sperm. This can sometimes be overcome with a course of fertility drugs but success is very limited. Once snipped that's generally your lot after the lab checks have screened a sample and no sperm are present.
As women have a right over their bodies and contraception, men do too. When in a relationship then a joint decision needs to be reached when a permanent solution is required.
For me the snip was a no brainer but I can understand why some men are apprehensive, it is the end of an era I suppose that's a similar finale to the onset of the menopause for women (without the hot flushes)

Pastryapronsucks Sun 04-Oct-20 23:28:23

My partner band I discussed it after our 3rd and final child, initial the was a bit reluctant, but when I reminded him I had been on the pill ( which doesn't agree with me) or pregnant gor 20 years and quite frankly I was done .

He was a bit dramatic leading up to it but was surprised how easy/painless it was. The worst bit was the local anaesthetic band he felt very slightly bruised for a couple of days on one side.

BubblyBarbara Sun 04-Oct-20 19:23:16

if DH managed to come up with the ‘what if we break up and I want to have kids again?’ argument, I will send him packing right away

Strongly agreed. Anyone who is thinking about “what ifs” around the marriage not succeeding is not to be trusted in my opinion. You should go into it acting as if it is for life otherwise why bother

Totickleamockingbird Sun 04-Oct-20 18:51:06

And yes, just like a previous poster, if DH managed to come up with the ‘what if we break up and I want to have kids again?’ argument, I will send him packing right away. That is the end of the line for me. If I can take all the chances under the sun on my life and body for having a family with him, I expect same and nothing less. Why shouldn’t I? It’s sickness and health, isn’t it? And love and respect is a two-way street, even before a woman has taken all these chances and faced these risks.
All else is cowardice and disrespect.

Totickleamockingbird Sun 04-Oct-20 18:47:18

@SandyY2K
It’s is not coercion or manipulation to not want to go through hugely traumatic experiences again. When wife did it, he was fine. When it’s his turn to do a very tiny bit in return for what she has already done and has gone through, he simply refuses and has the audacity to warn her that she needs to have an abortion if she gets pregnant. This is all bollocks but you can’t see because you have suddenly realised that the husband has a right to his body after all, the same right that he is refusing to give his wife.
If I was the wife in this situation, I would always wonder why I bothered to do so much for having a family with him, destroying my body in the process, when he can’t even do a minor, reversible procedure so we can both enjoy sex without any more risks to my body.
Also, this will put me off sex anyway, which I really enjoy by the way and have a right to (which you have very continently brushed aside by saying ‘it’s a separate issue’! confused).

saleorbouy Sun 04-Oct-20 17:35:53

I don't follow the side effects that your husband refers to. I had a vasectomy 2 years ago, as a couple we had mostly used condoms as neither of us liked the idea of hormonal pills as my DP had suffered side effects previously.
The actual vasectomy operation (non-scapel) method was a 20 min procedure with very little discomfort. Slight swelling afterwards as expected but all back to normal in 2 days.
I really don't understand why men who don't want more DC don't go for it. There are lots of scare stories out their but I honestly found getting a tooth extracted more uncomfortable.
Its wonderful having spontaneous sex now and my DP is much more relaxed knowing I'm firing blanks. The thought of more nappies and feeding firmly behind us.
There are new methods due soon which don't require surgery- Vasalgel is one.
I hope you DP will consider going for one in the future, I certainly would recommend one if he does not want DC4, it's time his body took one for the team!

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 04-Oct-20 17:10:40

We spent a very sex free time before my husband had a vasectomy. I'd done my bit, it was his turn. He had no problems and it's massively improved our sex life. I was quite happy to do without sex.

SunshineCake Sun 04-Oct-20 17:07:51

It is completely Different woman refusing sex until a man has the snip than a man with holding until the women is sterilised or takes the pill.

It is the woman who is left pregnant, has to labour and with most of the child care if not all. That is what makes it different in my view.

crimblecrumbleofcourse Sun 04-Oct-20 15:13:56

When I discussed a vasectomy with my ex he refused in the grounds we might split up and he might want to have more children with someone else. I'd had 3 c sections and untold damage to my body from the pregnancies during and after. Hormonal contraception was no longer suiting me. I stopped the hormones, we stopped having sex, I left him. His answer told me everything I needed to know about what he thought of me.

Dontknowwhyidoit Sun 04-Oct-20 14:59:52

Get yourself referred to be sterilised and take him to the appointment, the doctors there may recommend he has the snip as its a lot easier operation for him than you. This is what happened for me as my husband didn't want one but after listening to the doctors he changed his mind as he would have had to look after the kids while I recovered. He had the op at 4pm on a Wednesday and was back on his quad bike for work the next day. He was completely back to normal within 3 days and hasn't had any side affects or problems.

Woundedadmiral Sun 04-Oct-20 14:39:48

They cannot deny sex to men, they cannot refuse to bear children but they must have abortions if the husband doesn't want the resulting pregnancies.

And if she should happen to keep the child, it will be considered her life choice and therefore her responsibility. I was fourteen when I noticed that easy access to abortion creates a new method of coercion for women. I cannot see how anyone is surprised by this.

differentnameforthis Sun 04-Oct-20 14:23:40

BubblyBarbara

*I dread to think what your opinion if abortions is...*

Medically needed due to baby or mother, free and on NHS. If you're doing it as a lifestyle choice then you can pay. I am pro abortions though, no one should have a child they don't want

So "no one" (meaning woman) should have a baby they don't want, yet "someone" (meaning men) should have an operation they don't want?

How about we stop making anyone do things they don't want to their bodies, and not force a quid pro quo on people?

differentnameforthis Sun 04-Oct-20 14:10:53

Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove

*@Dadaist* from my local government website:

Vasectomy or 'male sterilisation' is a simple and reliable method of contraception. Sperm is prevented from reaching the semen ejaculated from a man's penis during sex. It is a quick and relatively painless surgical procedure. A vasectomy has no effect on sex drive or ability to enjoy sex. You will still have erections and ejaculate normally. * A vasectomy may be appropriate when a man does not want more children, or has decided not to have any at all. It may be chosen as a simpler, safer and more reliable alternative to female sterilisation.*

There you go.. "surgical procedure"

aka an operation, or surgery

The act of performing surgery may be called a surgical procedure, operation, or simply "surgery". In this context, the verb "operate" means to perform surgery. The adjective surgical means pertaining to surgery; e.g. surgical instruments or surgical nurse

Surgery - Wikipedia

Lweji Sun 04-Oct-20 11:47:33

It's almost like people don't have free will and the ability to not get randomly pregnant.

grin
I'll assume you don't like sex very much.
Yes, people have free will and the ability not to get pregnant is given by contraception methods. Free contraception is a great public health measure to keep population numbers down, as well as unwanted pregnancies. Better than punishing people for not wearing protection, as you can do with, say, seat belts on cars.

ItalianHat Sun 04-Oct-20 11:47:06

They cannot deny sex to men, they cannot refuse to bear children but they must have abortions if the husband doesn't want the resulting pregnancies.

This.

Women must be in the wrong, whatever.

BubblyBarbara Sun 04-Oct-20 11:11:26

The alternative is unwanted children, more money spent on other forms of contraception, or killing the resulting embryo or foetus.

It's almost like people don't have free will and the ability to not get randomly pregnant. If the NHS is really there to pay to protect people's welfare over something as frivolous as sex, why don't they hand out sun cream, bike helmets or multivitamins for free as well?

BubblyBarbara Sun 04-Oct-20 11:07:18

I dread to think what your opinion if abortions is...

Medically needed due to baby or mother, free and on NHS. If you're doing it as a lifestyle choice then you can pay. I am pro abortions though, no one should have a child they don't want

C8H10N4O2 Sun 04-Oct-20 09:59:46

If the man wants to or is agreeable to have a vasectomy, that's fine...but pressurising, coercing or threatening withdrawal of intimacy as a means of persuasion isn't acceptable

<checks calendar>

Yes 2020.
And yet we still have people arguing that women have no right of bodily autonomy.
They cannot deny sex to men, they cannot refuse to bear children but they must have abortions if the husband doesn't want the resulting pregnancies.

And if they are SAHMs the man's money (because its always "his" money) reinforces this lower status.

If you swapped the genders round in this debate, mumsnet would be up in arms

Ah the false equivalence argument, so popular on red pill sites.

Hopoindown31 Sun 04-Oct-20 09:30:36

*of

Hopoindown31 Sun 04-Oct-20 09:30:28

I object to the NHS paying for them in the first place. It's basically a cosmetic procedure people choose to have and not to resolve a medical issue. They should charge a fee for it and let anyone willing to pay have one whatever age. Same for coils and implants to be honest.

I dread to think what your opinion if abortions is...

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