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I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

(428 Posts)
enjoyeverymoment Thu 01-Oct-20 13:21:52

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Thu 01-Oct-20 13:25:36

His tone towards you, all that you went through to have your children and your youngest would put me right off sex with him again.

MsFrog Thu 01-Oct-20 13:26:16

Your husband sounds like he's being very selfish and dismissive of everything you've been through. flowers The implication that you could undergo further physical (not to mention potential emotional) trauma if you fell pregnant is awful!

Is there a clear reason he is so against the procedure? Are the risks of side effects really that high?

Pollyputthepizzaon Thu 01-Oct-20 13:26:22

I’d stop having sex. My husband recently had a vasectomy for the same reason that we also have 3 small children and don’t want more.

I’ve been through 3 pregnancies, 2 c-sections and don’t want to now be responsible for contraceptive hormones too. My body has done its part for our family and it was my husband’s turn to step up.

Thankfully he realised this and it was his suggestion. Sounds like your husband is selfish but of course it’s his body, his choice. You can’t make him. BUT you can stop having sex if there is a risk of pregnancy (which there is with condoms)

Pollyputthepizzaon Thu 01-Oct-20 13:27:10

If you fell pregnant with a condom would be expect you to put your body and mental health through an abortion? Ask him if he’d be happy to have a 4th as you wouldn’t be aborting.

ScatteredMama82 Thu 01-Oct-20 13:27:18

I think it's only fair that he has a vasectomy. After we had DS2 we knew we were done. I have taken care of contraception for our entire relationship, and I didn't want to stay on the pill. I had a mirena coil for a while but didn't get on with it. The obvious choice was for DH to have the snip. It was a bit sore, but not awful. It's nothing like childbirth!

His body, his choice I guess. But the same goes for you. If you don't want a coil or other contraception methods, and you don't want to get pregnant, then it's your choice not to have sex. Don't feel pressured into a method of contraception you don't want.

PersonaNonGarter Thu 01-Oct-20 13:28:05

Stop having sex. If your husband wants it he can help come up with a solution that involves him.

One thing, I really really wouldn’t do too much discussing. You have done all the work to now. Your actions speak for themselves. Now he can take some action.

TooTrueToBeGood Thu 01-Oct-20 13:28:14

He's being grossly unfair. When we decided our family was finished my wife and I worked through the various options together and it became quickly apparent to me that a vasectomy was the lowest impact solution. Yes there are risks but risks just mean something might happen not that it will or to a specific level of impact. Add to that, my wife (obviously) had done all the real heavy lifting to that point bringing our family into the world so it was only fair for me to take one for the team.

Educate him on the various implications of long term female contraception and tell him to stop being a selfish arse. Until then, condoms or no sex and if that impacts your marriage then it is on him, I would say.

bunnyontheshelf Thu 01-Oct-20 13:28:16

Shamelessly following. We have four children between us and one on the way. He's in his forties. I want him to have a vasectomy but he won't entertain it. Think it's a bit selfish really but you can't force them can you?! I'm wondering about diaphragms as don't fancy the coil either.

backinthebox Thu 01-Oct-20 13:28:58

Why would anyone want to have sex with a man with that little respect for your body? I'd avoid letting him risking you getting pregnant again by the best means you have available to you - abstention.

NiceGerbil Thu 01-Oct-20 13:29:46

Most threads on here I've read about this are about men refusing to consider it.

Many posters say their body their choice which is of course true.

But it's not uncommon I don't think.

Isitsixoclockalready Thu 01-Oct-20 13:29:57

I wouldn't fancy a vasectomy but I wouldn't expect my wife to be on the pill or using any other type of contraception or have surgery. It's her body, her choice and my body, my choice. I use condoms - it doesn't impact negatively on our sex life and whilst it would be great to have unprotected sex, this is a compromise that respects our mutual positions.

WiseUpJanetWeiss Thu 01-Oct-20 13:31:00

His body, his choice. You cannot coerce someone else into surgery, just as he cannot coerce you into having a coil fitted.

Calling someone selfish for not wanting surgery (no surgery is without risks) is very unreasonable.

Asterion Thu 01-Oct-20 13:31:26

Aside from the issue that he's being a shit bit unreasonable, can I just recommend a Mirena coil. It stopped my periods completely. And went in very easily wink

gamerchick Thu 01-Oct-20 13:31:33

Why do GPs always push the coil? Do they get paid for it or something? hmm

Unfortunately you can't push him into the snip but you can regiment sex to 'safe' times with a condom. No spontaneous sex. No bareback ever again.

gamerchick Thu 01-Oct-20 13:32:40

Asterion

Aside from the issue that he's being a shit bit unreasonable, can I just recommend a Mirena coil. It stopped my periods completely. And went in very easily wink

And if it hadn't have gone well you would have hit many brick walls trying to get it out. Why recommend that chance?

NiceGerbil Thu 01-Oct-20 13:33:01

My mirena was terrible.

If anyone is considering it read the threads on here- it seems like a Marmite thing!

I wouldn't recommend it personally.

LiveFromHome Thu 01-Oct-20 13:33:01

The conversation between me and DH went like this...

"Darling, as you know, I don't want to go back onto hormonal contraceptives, the copper coil has made my periods too heavy and made me anaemic. I'm going to be honest with you, I haven't really enjoyed sex these last 3 months while we've only been using condoms, I can't relax, I'm scared I'll get pregnant again and I panic if my period is a day or two late ... what do you think we should do?".

And let him come to his own conclusions.

IndieRo Thu 01-Oct-20 13:34:11

My DH has vasectomy when our youngest was 6 months. We had 3 young children. There was never an issue on his behalf. I had three C sections and very large babies. Sick of hearing about men thinking a vasectomy is somehow not masculine and that it will affect their "bits". Could not imagine being with somebody so selfish tbh.

JustThinkingAboutThis Thu 01-Oct-20 13:34:16

It sounds to me as if your husband likes things his own way. Do you find he is like this in general? The way you describe him it sounds like it’s his way or the highway.

A vasectomy is obviously something he will have to decide on himself because it is his body. But he certainly shouldn’t expect you to take all the responsibility for contraception and then hint that you would have to have an abortion if you fell pregnant - this is plain awful.

This all needs a lot of discussion, you both need to be happy with whatever decision is made. It should not automatically mean you have to be sterilised either, as far as I am aware there is more involved in this operation than a vasectomy.

Don’t be bullied into anything. Maybe abstinence for the time being until a sensible discussion looking at all the options can take place.

NiceGerbil Thu 01-Oct-20 13:34:21

WiseUp but he's made it clear he expects her to have an abortion if she gets pregnant.

Pebblexox Thu 01-Oct-20 13:34:37

I understand your frustration, however it really is his choice. Do your research, and go to him with what you find. Them let him make an educated decision. If he still says no, your options are condoms or no sex.

ThePluckOfTheCoward Thu 01-Oct-20 13:36:01

I'd never want to have sex again with someone who cares so little for me and my health and well-being. His attitude would have the same effect on me as bromide. He sounds horrible - just stop having sex with him and buy a rabbit.

happytoday73 Thu 01-Oct-20 13:37:22

He can obviously decide he doesn't want a vasectomy (his body and all that).
But you can equally decide you aren't willing to shoulder the contraceptive burden either and aren't willing to risk another pregnancy or risk the potential side effects to your health of long term contraception.

Stalemate.

Yes vasectomy has some risks, like everything in life.. Childbirth is more risky though.. You've done that 3x for your family and presumably previously taken contraception burden...
What's he bringing to the partnership? He comes over as extremely selfish and dismissive of your risks to me with no real reason. Very unattractive. Not nice to know you are not a priority in his eyes. I don't know how I'd move forward... Sorry

enjoyeverymoment Thu 01-Oct-20 13:38:30

@Pollyputthepizzaon I definitely wouldn't have an abortion that's just how I feel but I know mentally I'm already stretched at 3. 4 would mean giving up a job I love.

I totally get it that it's his body and I'd probably have more respect for him is he pretended to be intrigued instead of dismissing the topic straight away or by suggesting we have a conversation another day as it's late, he's tired ect.

Now I'm wondering all the times I heard him telling his friends how I tricked him with what sounded like lighthearted banter was it really. Maybe I'm being too emotional here but I've often heard men hush about their wives being amazing after giving birth. He once told me he was proud of how I was coping well after my third loss.

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