DV- pleaded not guilty-to attend trial

(155 Posts)
secular89 Wed 30-Sep-20 17:07:08

Hello all,

Had to NC as this is very outing.

I was with my ex for 9 years- always has been physically and emotionally abusive. Last year, he assaulted me in my parents house and in front of my child. I was left with a black bruised eye for two weeks, had to attend hospital for a brain scan. No internal injuries, thank God.

I got an restraining order and agreed with police to get him charged. He was on bail conditions, but failed to attend to one of his bail hearings (?). Hence, police were not able to locate him and a warrant was out for his arrest.

I was getting on with my life. I have finished my Masters degree, being there for my child and I have secured my first job. Did not hear from my ex. However, three weeks ago, I received a call from the police, telling me that they have found my ex and would attend a bail hearing a week prior. Today, I just received a phone call that my ex has pleaded not guilty and I have to attend court in two weeks. The police also said that they would like the family member to attend as she was a witness. But knowing her, she won't go through with it and I cannot place that in her head.

I'm in two minds. I don't know if I want to attend court. I was getting on with my life, not a care for him, not thinking of him and now this- I don't know what to do.. what to expect. My ex has dangerous friends and I'm worried that they will come after me.
I don't understand why he pleaded non-guilty and he has always pleaded guilty. I don't know what to do? What do I tell me new job? What should I expect when I go to court?

OP’s posts: |
NoRoomInBed Wed 30-Sep-20 17:11:09

If he gets convicted you will have a stronger case to keep him away from your LO other than that I've no advice hopefully someone will be along

ToastyCrumpet Wed 30-Sep-20 17:11:34

He has pleaded not guilty to be a shit so that you have to go to court.

NoRoomInBed Wed 30-Sep-20 17:11:35

Sorry just re read it and sounds like hes not the dax anyways

Scweltish Wed 30-Sep-20 17:13:36

If you don’t go through with the court case op, I pretty much guarantee it will come back and bite you on the arse at some point. I know it’s a head fuck, but you NEED to do this

Anordinarymum Wed 30-Sep-20 17:14:55

He's pleaded not guilty because he thinks you won't show up. He's trading on your fear here.

Sunnydaysstillhere Wed 30-Sep-20 17:15:20

I bet he isn't such a great guy his mates would get so involved on his behalf. Men like him play Mr Popular.. It isn't always true. You have a dc. Who would risk jail for him? Take the case all the way op. Do your dd proud and stand up there.


Bunnymumy Wed 30-Sep-20 17:22:11

I say go. He thinks you're a chicken, that's why he has changed his plea. Show the bastard you aren't. You'll be glad you did it later on.

You can ask to be behind a screen so you dont need to see him on the day. They also give you a support person to sit with you through it if you want one. And the court can refer you to a councellor should you feel you need support.

You can tell your new job that you are a court witness for something. Thats all you need to tell them, they dont need yo know anything you dont want.

Think about his next girlfriend. Do it for her. Maybe then if she runs a claire's law check because something isnt right early on, she will be able to save herself from a world of pain.

I know the temptation is not to do it. I'm due to go through something courtwise (not the same thing as you but still involving a horrible person) and I so just wish I didnt have to, but if I don't then they might get away with hurting others in future. I'm scared and also I've moved on with my life yet this just drags it all up again. It's frustrating. It feels like being punished for old mistakes. All over again.

So I get it. But this isn't just about me or you. It's about doing what needs to be done to get these people off the street or to protect others from them.

Be brave!
(I hope I can take my own advice).

secular89 Wed 30-Sep-20 17:36:31

But- I have a good relationship with his family. I'm worried that this would spoil

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Wed 30-Sep-20 17:40:12

Is the child his op?

dublingirl66 Wed 30-Sep-20 17:43:18

Op I'm in your shoes

But I have to go ahead with it

How dare he do this to you

Continue with it
The first hearing in my case is in two weeks 😢😢😢

secular89 Wed 30-Sep-20 17:44:25

Bunny Yes, it's his child.

OP’s posts: |
secular89 Wed 30-Sep-20 17:45:31


It is scary. What made you decide to go through with it?

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Wed 30-Sep-20 17:46:52

Because if his parents have no link to you then youd be wise to back away. They are his family so they can't properly be your friends. They are compromised.

As for his supposed hard men friends, I doubt they'll want to get involved. But let the police know your concerns about this anyway.

Bunnymumy Wed 30-Sep-20 17:49:15

Ah right. Well all you can do is tell them that you're sorry that they are stuck in the middle but their son broke the law and you aren't going to protect a women beater. And they can like it or lump it.

dublingirl66 Wed 30-Sep-20 17:52:52

I'm going through with it cos the mad man is an evil abuser

Who abused two women before me
Tried to kill me
Injured a baby

List goes on

Please push ahead

averythinline Wed 30-Sep-20 17:54:49

what do you mean you have a good relationship with his family?

do they not see him ? do they never mention him? do they openly acknowledge that he abused you and the child?

I'm not sure I could have a 'good' relationship with my abusers family unless it was all very open and they were very clear and honest about how the had little or nothing to do with an abuser..

I'm not sure I could ever trust them...... and if that is the case why would you going to court change anything..... they shoudl be suporting you - if your relationship is good...

its him that is on trial not you
he has chosen to make you go through a trial - again not your fault...

AFP10 Wed 30-Sep-20 17:55:44

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. You should have a Liaison Officer. If you don't please ask the Officer in Charge about this. There should also be local DV support but again if not I suggest you reach out to Womens Aid or Refuge. Your employer should also be supportive; if you dont feel comfortable speaking to your Line Manager contact HR I assure you (as someone who works in this area) that this will not be the first time they have encountered this and they are very likely to support you.

For what its worth I suggest that he's pleased not guilty with the exact plan in his mind that you will drop this. If there are multiple other offences then he may be looking at a custodial sentence and needs to challenge this. My ex pleaded not guilty to a crime purely to keep up the pretense with his new partner but when it came to a trail he changed his plea....didn't want the details out in public.

Best wishes to you x

alexdgr8 Wed 30-Sep-20 17:56:06

don't you have a police liaison or support officer, to guide you through all this.
if not, contact them and request it.
has the prosecution not discussed your evidence with you.
what about the witness, did he/she give a formal witness statement.
could you contact womens' aid for support/advice. good luck.

secular89 Wed 30-Sep-20 18:16:11

Can I be honest? I just don't feel like going. Not only that? It will be public knowledge.

OP’s posts: |
dublingirl66 Wed 30-Sep-20 18:33:56


To protect yourself proceed
To protect your family proceed
To protect other innocents out there PROCEED

I'm petrified
But I got to do this

Luckily yours made it this far what about all the victims that are told
Sorry not enough evidence we can't go forward
Blah blah

Please do it many of us are behind you

Fatted Wed 30-Sep-20 18:38:41

Have you spoken to a witness care officer OP? Contact the police and ask for the contact details of the witness care officer for the case.

It's not just as simple as saying you don't want to go. But they will go through it all with you.

anotherhumanfemale Wed 30-Sep-20 18:41:51

OP you don't have to do it. It's up to you.

He's obviously an abusive evil shit though and I'm wondering if his changing his plea opens the door for him to have access to your child? He obviously wants to make your life difficult. If he has no DV charge then will he get access to your child?

I'd want to know the answer to that if I were in your shoes.

Sunnydaysstillhere Wed 30-Sep-20 18:52:07

If you need him kept away from your dc you do need to play a part imo.

theantsgomarchin Wed 30-Sep-20 18:59:43

What you've been through is horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

However, to protect other women out there who are oblivious to this man, and for his future potential victims you need to go through with this and do all you can to get him convicted. This isn't just about you. Imagine how you'd feel if you found out further down the line that he'd done this again, and you could've prevented it but chose not to because "you didn't feel like it"

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