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Pining for a man? Post divorce sex?

(40 Posts)
31weeksgone Wed 30-Sep-20 16:57:34

Ok not sure where to start or even what I want from this but I need to write it out somewhere.

I left my SBXH about 5 months ago and moved into my own place, with my daughter half of the time.

Just as I met exDH, I had a fling at uni although it never turned into anything else because I concentrated on exDH. This guy and me have always always stayed in touch over the years and friends and had a chat now and again.

Now he knows I’m single I invited him down this past weekend. (Had no one else in my bubble, single mum) He lives 5 hours away so it’s a fair trek.

It was incredible. He stayed at mine for two whole days and nights, and the sex was insane, I can’t even sum up how beautiful it was.

It wasn’t even that the sex was physically good although it was great, there was a real emotional connection, cuddling kissing for hours beforehand, and mentally I could of cried during sex. I’ve never ever felt anything like it before, and if anyone said this to me previously I’d have shrugged it off. He was also a perfect gentleman, checked I was ok, kissed my head, opened doors, paid for every dinner coffee even though I offered etc etc.

He made it pretty clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship and I knew that from the get go, it was just unfinished business. He was perfectly honest about it and it was my choice.

I cannot stop crying two days later. It’s like I’ve come back down to earth with a crash and I don’t know what to do with myself. Normal life now seems so mundane. I’m walking round today tearful and upset. I’ve tried googling for it and found some people find the first sex after marriage a big thing, I just don’t know why I’m so upset or how I’m supposed to forget about it. Does anyone have any help? Thank you.

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31weeksgone Wed 30-Sep-20 16:57:46

Sorry it was so long shock

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31weeksgone Wed 30-Sep-20 17:35:11


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DiscombobulatedAf Wed 30-Sep-20 17:39:57

I think it’s understandable seeing as you left your ex not that long ago. I think you’ll have to respect the fact the guy you met doesn’t want a relationship with you. It’s likely you’re upset because you’ve been given an insight into the way you’d like to be treated by someone caring like your fling. Are you ready to date again or do you feel it’s too soon? Unfortunately I think you’ll just have to give it time until you feel “normal” again. Maybe take the time to do some nice things for yourself?

Savemyusername Wed 30-Sep-20 17:43:27

So you both arranged it as a one-off? Why can’t you see each other again? Is he still in contact with you?

neversayalways Wed 30-Sep-20 18:00:49

I've had sex like that with a guy I had a brief fling with, the sense of connection, the pleasure, wave after wave of sexual and emotional pleasure. It was so beautiful I felt like crying too.

Thing is, I came to realise that none of it is based on anything. Some guys are just good at manufacturing that heightened emotional state during sex, that illusion of connection. In my case, the guy was deluding himself as much as he was me, with this illusion.

OP It might have felt beautiful at the time, but none of it was real. Go out and find someone who genuinely cares for you.

edwinbear Wed 30-Sep-20 18:04:48

Is he not even up for a FWB thing?

seensome Wed 30-Sep-20 18:05:30

I found it hard too after marriage a guy a dated, I fancied him so much and it had been along time since I had those kind of feelings and to have sex with someone new, it played havoc with my feelings when he didn't want a relationship it was hard because for half my life I had only been in a relationship, it was what I was used to.
The best thing was however hard was not to have any contact, took me 4 months to feel better and want to date again and I soon found someone else I liked just as much that wanted a relationship with me.

31weeksgone Wed 30-Sep-20 18:38:58

Thank you all for your comments, he lives 5 hours away so it’s expensive and not particularly easy to have casual sex, and he doesn’t want a relationship. He did say he would come back for more sex another time, but I wonder if it would just mentally make it worse.

I’m more just in awe of the emotion behind it, the dinner and gentlemanly mannor I can take or leave, but it was just emotionally so heightened. I can’t even describe it. You know when people say “making love” I never got it before, but it was just beautiful.

Maybe best to go cold turkey sad

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TiggerDatter Wed 30-Sep-20 19:12:31

I think you’re lucky to have had that experience and those feelings, it can be grim having sex with someone new after a LTR. Treasure those memories but accept them for what they were, a heady interlude, and move on. I wouldn’t contact him again.

TheBlueStocking Wed 30-Sep-20 19:18:21

I think you need to look at it as being grateful that life brings you these experiences and look after yourself in the meantime while you are waiting for the next one

category12 Wed 30-Sep-20 19:24:34

Eh, for any and every heightened experience, there's always a crash.

Booze - hangover & the fear
Drugs - come-down
Big holiday - having to go back to work
Major life event - back to normality crash
and so on and so on.

It's the same with exciting / intense sexual experiences. (In BDSM, it's called Drop.)

Basically you need to ride out the come-down and move it into the happy memory pile.

31weeksgone Wed 30-Sep-20 19:32:24

That’s another thing, I am really greatful for it being so special after what could have just been sex for the sake of it.

Where he’s been a mate for years though I now don’t never want to talk to him again but wonder if it’s the best way to go. Argh!

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Reclinehard Wed 30-Sep-20 19:32:42

@category12 that was so well-put!

CatAndHisKit Thu 01-Oct-20 02:39:58

Did he mean he never wanted (and poss never been in) a long relationship? If he's an eternal bachelor and 'ladies man' they can be soooo good and experiennced from the many flings they had, that I'm not surprised it knocked you off your feet. The fact you were talking for years added that emotional element.

But I'd find it off-putting that he's adamant regarding relationships - that shows he's closed minded - or have issues you aer not aware of. Possibly just cant be monogamous - if you think about it, maybe the rose tinted glasses will come off.

But of course you feel like his - all that surge of 'happy' hormones! you want more. Best not to d ti again and then get hooked, for sure.

OldAndWornOut Thu 01-Oct-20 02:52:25

I had a fab who was a lovely, kind, respectful guy.
Neither of us wanted a relationship, but the time we spent together was just like the best bits of being in one.

He was loving, and funny, and we held hands and kissed, and cooked, and had brilliant sex.

He would go, and we didn't even get in touch until one of us initiated our next meet up.

It was great.

OldAndWornOut Thu 01-Oct-20 02:53:04


Sunflower1970 Thu 01-Oct-20 04:20:59

I think I would chalk it down to a much needed Experience and distance myself from him. Nice guy but think this will mess with your head. Start thinking about tentative steps to a new relationship and try and recreate this magic with them

31weeksgone Thu 01-Oct-20 09:01:25

Thank you all. I’ve signed up to some exercise classes and bought an exercise bike to keep busy, time to focus on me. flowers

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WouldBeGood Thu 01-Oct-20 09:06:34

Look at it like you’ve got the first post divorce sex done now, and it was great.

Plenty more to come, but with someone who’s on the same page as you emotionally as well as a top shag 😃

Totickleamockingbird Thu 01-Oct-20 09:11:43

You are not crying for him. You are crying for the way it should have been with your ex. I know it’s easier said than done but can you look at these two days as a reward for your sufferings and nothing else? I also think he may have gone overboard to make sure you both loved it so much because he knew you were in pain and because he knew he could not do more. So a real, day to day life with him will not be the same. Use this to summon your energy, get back on your feet and live on! flowers

neversayalways Thu 01-Oct-20 09:13:46

but it was just emotionally so heightened. I can’t even describe it. You know when people say “making love” I never got it before, but it was just beautiful

Yep, again, exactly had this experience too. The guy I was with called sex making love, which made me cringe until we actually started having sex and then I realised, 'god he really means it.'

Don't see him again, it will mess with your head. Glad to hear you have decided to focus on you.

And you do realise, that now you know what sex can be like, you can recreate that with another guy who genuinely wants to be with you right? Both you and your new partner can learn to have sex like that together.

Sunflower1970 Thu 01-Oct-20 09:16:34

Hope your exercise classes go well and you keep focussing on yourself and what makes you happy. Build your confidence back up and get back on the dating game (when you're ready!). There a lot of men out there - in fact when you are in the right relationship you can recreate that night with a nice fella x

31weeksgone Sun 25-Oct-20 19:48:17

Mumsnetters, I’ve been blocked by him on all platforms. I can’t ever contact him again. We spoke for 7 years, he was a big part of my life. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the chest. I don’t know how to not be sad about this sad

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edwinbear Sun 25-Oct-20 20:02:13

Wow - well he turned out to be a right shit didn’t he?! I’m so sorry OP, he’s not a nice man at all.

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