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Don't know what I really want to do

(19 Posts)
AnotherVersionOfMe Tue 29-Sep-20 21:15:58

I'm in a bit of a quandary with a man - an xbf, who could be a current bf. Could do with talking it through with people who don't know either of us.

My background is I'm in my 60s, widowed and have had other very close family deaths. A bit vulnerable really.

We met in November last year online. Got closer and met in February. Then his work and health got in the way of us meeting again and the lockdown. We're about three hours journey apart.

We bonded very deeply over our various family grief - he's has shit happen too - and we supported each other over the phone. We also see the country's politics from a similar perspective. Hate Johnson, hate brexit, see the country sinking deeper into fascism.

We got very close, fantastic phone sex, and talking for hours every day.

But as I've got to know him better, some aspects of his beliefs really bother me. He debates quite happily with me, is happy to be challenged but his first instinct with wrong doers is to, in a military way, want to kill them. Accepts that my logic of preferring not to live in a society that condones vigilantes is right, but it's his gut reaction. A big believer in the death penalty. Doesn't challenge homophobes and racists - calls it banter. He is only aware of Southern African politics from a white perspective and doesn't want to broaden his outlook. I grew up boycotting SA goods and being a member of Anti Apartheid. . We've broken up a couple of times already over this.

At the moment we are not together. Still speaking on the phone. I like him. But every time we get back together it all goes well, then something will crop up that makes me realise thee is a side of him that conflicts with my values.

So, hints on making relationships work when there are value differences? It's not right to be in a relationship where one partner is living in hope that the other will change. Or tell me to cut my losses?

OP’s posts: |
Suzi888 Wed 30-Sep-20 03:06:02

I don’t think you’ll be able to change him, you’d have to accept him for the way he is. Alternatively agree to completely avoid any conversations that go against your values etc and not enter into them nor debate those topics and see what he says. I don’t know how realistic that would be! I think you’ll be constantly arguing and avoiding conversations and it sounds like hard work in my opinion.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 30-Sep-20 03:56:18

Stop wasting your time. There are too many fundamental issues you are divided on, and you will never be happy with that.

blueberrypie0112 Wed 30-Sep-20 04:04:07

Some beliefs and morals can be too important enough to break up with someone. And for you, I think this is it. he is not going anytime soon especially since he is older and suppose to be wiser,

Notapheasantplucker Wed 30-Sep-20 04:08:53

Cut your losses

bebarkered Wed 30-Sep-20 04:17:01

I'd be inclined to agree with other poster's (cut your losses OP). Unless you can both agree to disagree on these subjects, and, not talk about them again? Easier said than done I appreciate xxx

jessstan2 Wed 30-Sep-20 04:34:57

You are not going to change this man's views and will be constantly annoyed with him. However, what exactly do you want from the relationship? If you want to set up home wth him, it's a definite no no but if it is only meeting up occasionally and you find each other attractive, it could be a quite pleasant part time relationship.

Remember, you hardly know him and he is not the only fish in the sea.

ColdLeatherSofa Wed 30-Sep-20 05:55:15

I couldn't be with someone indisagreed withbso fundamentally and who held such views, tbh.

Added to that, 3 hours is an awfully big distance.

Surely you can meet someone you are more compatible with who.lives closer?

HollowTalk Wed 30-Sep-20 06:18:14

Bloody hell, you can't seriously be thinking about having a relationship with him! How do you manage to keep talking when he says such awful things?

pictish Wed 30-Sep-20 06:33:14

Well it’s not a case of this guy and his extreme views, or be forever alone...is it? He’s not all there is.

I couldn’t listen to his shit.

GreenRoadSigns Wed 30-Sep-20 07:48:37

Sorry, my understanding is that there's some evidence that mutual values are really necessary for a good relationship. You don't have to necessarily come to the same conclusions bit you do have to draw them from the same fundamental beliefs.
Otherwise you don't get the mutual respect which you absolutely do need.

Thedevilscheesecake Wed 30-Sep-20 07:53:42

You described yourself as vulnerable. I would back away from this relationship and give yourself time to grief, heal and get abit stronger.

ChristmasFluff Wed 30-Sep-20 09:23:38

Cut your losses. I think this is what you would do if you were not feeling vulnerable.

A relationship at 3 hours' distance isn't easy, and you have significant value differences.

It's not worth persisting on the basis of some nice conversations and phone sex.

AnotherVersionOfMe Wed 30-Sep-20 11:46:39

Right you all are. Just what I needed to hear. I'm basically happy on my own but do feel a bit sad I'll probably never have a close relationship again. I certainly don't want to live with anyone again, but being close to someone, who says they fancied the pants off, me was pleasant. But not enough to compromise my principles.

To clarify, he's not racist, although uneducated, nor homophobic. Just doesn't feel it necessary to challenge this sort of comment. Don't want to slander the poor chap.

At the moment, I've an OLD profile but collect more blocks than likes. Which actually rather amuses me.

OP’s posts: |
1forAll74 Wed 30-Sep-20 15:34:31

Does not sound like a good prospect for the future with this man. most people get set in their unwavering views when older. No disrespect to your age, I am 78.

SerafinaPekkala Wed 30-Sep-20 15:49:30

I'm late 40s and have accidentally been shagging a Tory boy!
It was worth it.
We have very different views and end up sparring. I never let an (in my eyes) offensive comment pass without calling him on it. But it's good to be challenged by someone with different beliefs than my own because it's made me really think about them to be able to justify them to him and argue against his ideas. We will never agree with one another but the plus points outweigh the negative.
He's definitely a 'fun' relationship though rather than a long-term prospect. Could you just keep this relationship casual?

dontdisturbmenow Wed 30-Sep-20 16:09:10

My husband and I have different views on politics and some social issues. We both respect there's no right and wrong just different views and opinions. We respect that in each other.

We rarely discuss these, what's the point? We instead focus on the matters we share which are plenty.

When you meet someone later in life, you are going to struggle to meet someone who shares your views on every issues.

I personally would be turned off by someone who didn't accept that I can be a great person and yet have different views on politics. My political views don't define me as a person. Of course, not talking about very extreme positions.

Anordinarymum Wed 30-Sep-20 16:12:53

We have lots of differing views on many subjects, but it does not stop us loving each other or getting along as friends. I am a bit of a rebel and he is very very law abiding. We just 'click'. You sometimes have to overlook certain things and enjoy the rest IMHO

FinallyHere Wed 30-Sep-20 17:01:33

There are no hints that could help you.

Only you know whether these things are important to you.

OH and I have very strong, exactly opposing views on the Defence industry. I'm a bit of a pacifist. Day yo day it makes no difference to us.

Only you know whether you can, or want, to live with racist views.

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