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Interfering ex even though divorced 15 years ago!

(53 Posts)
bigbumbiggerheart Tue 29-Sep-20 18:59:13

Do any of you have problems with an ex of many, many years ago still interfering and causing problems.

Youngest of their children almost 18 now and still dictates and expects him to jump for the slightest thing.

He makes way for her plans and sees his children (rightly so) lots but she is getting worse. Almost as if she realises that her 'power' and 'control' are slipping away as the children are almost adults now.
Accused him of not caring about her feelings at all... hmm even though yet again she got her own way over something. She is a very controlling selfish woman and thankfully has less and less say and children now have a fantastic relationship with my DP despite her bitching/moaning and causing trouble.

SO is she unusual or does anyone else have a partner with a mad controlling selfish ex of a very long time ago still working the misery?

OP’s posts: |
Joistlooking Tue 29-Sep-20 19:04:16

My DH has been divorced for 30+ years, his children are in their 30 and 40s. His ex is remarried, apparently very happily and yet she still tries to control DH, now via grandchildren.hmm Grin and bear it I say and count your blessings.

bigbumbiggerheart Tue 29-Sep-20 19:08:58

@Joistlooking

Thanks - how odd is that! It must be a personally type thing then

OP’s posts: |
MMmomDD Tue 29-Sep-20 19:09:26

What exactly are you looking for, OP.
Generally - I’d say your bf and his ex should be revolving their issues on their own.
You seem strangely involved and judgy. Calling his ex names says more about you than anything.
She is the mother of his children, and will always be that. Does it threaten you somehow - is that why you need to portray her as some monster?

LindaEllen Tue 29-Sep-20 19:30:25

My DP's ex (DSS's mum) phones him regularly picking fault at things he's done or not done. For example he told him he could go to a certain college whereas she wanted him to go to one nearer to her because it was more 'fair to her' (for reference he has full custody so he has always been educated here). She phoned to have a go because we rarely take him on holiday. I'd love to, but we're broke, so it seems a bit unfair. She phoned to have a go at DP for letting him have a computer in his room because he 'will look at porn'. DP replied that he could find it on his phone whether he had one in his room or not, and that at the age of 17 it was natural to be curious :') she was speechless. I mean it's not like he WANTS him to watch porn, he's just more realistic about what teenage lads to. He has a great work space for his A Level work which just isn't possible downstairs in our tiny house. She gets involved sooo much.

RedRumTheHorse Tue 29-Sep-20 19:34:36

@MMmomDD I worked with a woman like that. She proudly told us that she told her ex what to do regarding their son in his home. She was new to the company and didn't realise that some of the people were divorced and/or step-parents. So parents like the OP is complaining about do exist.

P999 Tue 29-Sep-20 20:09:31

There isn't enough detail in your post to say whether she is the controlling bitch you claim her to be. Perhaps some examples?

safeordangerous Tue 29-Sep-20 20:22:24

Sounds like my ex wife. Although only a couple of years separated.
I think its a failure to be happy in their own life and need to blame others for it.

MMmomDD Tue 29-Sep-20 20:28:19

There is no details on what OP means.
But there is enough language to suggest that OP is actually annoyed at her bf for ‘making way for her plans’, letting her ‘get her way’, etc.
And this is why I said what I said above.
Name calling is never necessary. And doesn’t make it easier for your bf to deal with his ex spouse if he has you annoyed at him for what you consider not sufficiently standing up to her.
He has co-parented long enough and it’s up to him how he does it.
And that phase of life is nearly over anyway.

Why are you so angry at him?

P999 Tue 29-Sep-20 21:04:56

OP. Without something more than a rant, we can't judge. She may be perfectly reasonable in her 'demands' for all we know. She is the mother of their kids. You sound v angry. Why?

LilyWater Tue 29-Sep-20 21:35:41

Could there be jealousy on your part OP? I'm not saying the ex is perfect at all but if the kids are almost adults, it's most likely agreed plans rather than strictly just 'her' plans. Even though they've broken up you have to accept that they're still a family because they have kids together. In practical terms, if he's a good father, this will mean him making plans that appear to suit his ex wife, for the good of the family. His children will always be more important than you I'm afraid and this ex will be a natural part of his plans because she is the children's mother, whether he actually likes her or not as a person.
This is why I don't think I could ever have a relationship with a man who already has kids myself - the dynamic will never be a 'normal' one as you're essentially attaching yourself to what is an existing family. It's also why divorce should never be treated lightly - it causes long term problems and awkwardness for every single person involved, especially the children.

bigbumbiggerheart Tue 29-Sep-20 22:49:14

MMmomDD

What exactly are you looking for, OP.
Generally - I’d say your bf and his ex should be revolving their issues on their own.
You seem strangely involved and judgy. Calling his ex names says more about you than anything.
She is the mother of his children, and will always be that. Does it threaten you somehow - is that why you need to portray her as some monster?

Is it not possible that some people really are difficult for the sake of it hmm

OP’s posts: |
bigbumbiggerheart Tue 29-Sep-20 22:55:32

safeordangerous

Sounds like my ex wife. Although only a couple of years separated.
I think its a failure to be happy in their own life and need to blame others for it.

I wondered about that. She is having some difficulties with her partner and we are doing well, hence the constant ringing and wanting/needing things. Hopefully , she will sort her own life out and not spend so much time demanding things when we have prearranged plans. I feel for her since she has gradually lost her control. She sabotaged DP last relationship and managed to fall out with her but so far I have managed to not engage with her behaviour at all.

OP’s posts: |
bigbumbiggerheart Tue 29-Sep-20 22:57:39

RedRumTheHorse

*@MMmomDD* I worked with a woman like that. She proudly told us that she told her ex what to do regarding their son in his home. She was new to the company and didn't realise that some of the people were divorced and/or step-parents. So parents like the OP is complaining about do exist.

Indeed, they exist although some would suggest they don't grin hmm

OP’s posts: |
bigbumbiggerheart Tue 29-Sep-20 22:59:59

LindaEllen

My DP's ex (DSS's mum) phones him regularly picking fault at things he's done or not done. For example he told him he could go to a certain college whereas she wanted him to go to one nearer to her because it was more 'fair to her' (for reference he has full custody so he has always been educated here). She phoned to have a go because we rarely take him on holiday. I'd love to, but we're broke, so it seems a bit unfair. She phoned to have a go at DP for letting him have a computer in his room because he 'will look at porn'. DP replied that he could find it on his phone whether he had one in his room or not, and that at the age of 17 it was natural to be curious :') she was speechless. I mean it's not like he WANTS him to watch porn, he's just more realistic about what teenage lads to. He has a great work space for his A Level work which just isn't possible downstairs in our tiny house. She gets involved sooo much.

It's frustrating isn't it and a shame that there is a need to do this.
I feel for you.

OP’s posts: |
MMmomDD Tue 29-Sep-20 23:13:09

Let me get it straight. You are in a relatively new relationship. And you are venting about your bf’s ex who ‘sabotaged’ his last relationship. But by your own words - you have managed to not let her so far....

Interesting that you can’t admit it to yourself that you are threatened by her. And, more importantly that what you actually fear is they his lingering relationship/peace with his ex seems to be more important to him than his other relationships. He already seems to have picked her over the previous relationship. He might again in this new relationship as well.
But you’d rather just rant about her than see that you have a bf problem, not his ex problem.

bigbumbiggerheart Wed 30-Sep-20 08:30:52

@safeordangerous

Did your ex wife meet someone else and it got better for a while? Did the interfering come and go over the years? Just wondering since it hasn't been constant.

We have found that it has spiralled since she has her own relationship problems. Almost like if she cannot find someone to be happy with then she needs to attempt to cause damage for others around her. I leave DP to interact with her and don't engage, it's easier that way and then she cannot drag me into her woes. I do think she is lonely though and needs someone to chat to about her own relationship.

OP’s posts: |
bigbumbiggerheart Wed 30-Sep-20 09:47:59

@LilyWater

I also have children and one of the things I really love and respect about him is that he puts his children first. I do also and that has never been an issue.

She was ok for the first 18 months of our relationship, and gradually as her relationship has hit rocky ground she has become very interfering and needy and will have random things that needs attending to or doing which coincide perfectly with plans. It is a bit sad really and I do feel for her on the one hand and on the other hand can see her selfish ways have worked over the years and so learnt behaviour. It is definitely done to cause problems, but as I mentioned I don't interact with her and leave that to him. I think she wants me to say someone as his previous partner did which led to a massive fall out,. However, I intend to continue staying quite separate and letting him deal with her often quite trivial wants. He did say to her that he will not let her wreck his relationship as she did last time though. His ex partner had enough of her interfering ways and ended it with him; the children were younger then so it was a different dynamic in many ways. I think he has grown bored of her ways and she realises it. We are both hoping either her relationship improves or she ends it and finds another man to focus on.

OP’s posts: |
bigbumbiggerheart Wed 30-Sep-20 09:49:13

something --- not someone!

OP’s posts: |
safeordangerous Wed 30-Sep-20 11:45:15

bigbumbiggerheart

*@safeordangerous*

Did your ex wife meet someone else and it got better for a while? Did the interfering come and go over the years? Just wondering since it hasn't been constant.

We have found that it has spiralled since she has her own relationship problems. Almost like if she cannot find someone to be happy with then she needs to attempt to cause damage for others around her. I leave DP to interact with her and don't engage, it's easier that way and then she cannot drag me into her woes. I do think she is lonely though and needs someone to chat to about her own relationship.

So basically she went off with someone else. I was supposedly the primary reason for her unhappiness (she acknowledged her bad behaviour when we were together but said it was my fault - something we will never agree upon).

Anyway its not really changed with her and two years on shes still up and down. Shes had a new baby but is up and down with new partner. Makes rash impulsive bad decisions.

Her relationship has broken down with our eldest but she wont acknowledge her part in this. Its beacuse he plays up / gets computer time at Dad's (although its not really different to home). She ignores her abusive bullying behaviour towards him

The one thing that works is going minimal contact and as much as possible trying to ignore the drama. For example because eldest is with me shes trying to limit the others time at mine. Instead of challenging this head on Im letting her change her mind (when no doubt she needs a break).

Having said all that shes good in other ways and very much fully functioning so just how you deal with this type of person.

bigbumbiggerheart Wed 30-Sep-20 13:39:33

@safeordangerous

Many thanks for your reply. That's what I was wondering really how common this is and how others have dealt with it.
The me not getting involved at all works really well. She cannot then accuse me of anything. His previous partner lost it with her and 'called her out' on her controlling behaviours and pettiness of it all and unfortunately this added fuel to the fire (so to speak) and so made it easier for her to play a victim role/increased the drama and ultimately the behaviours. She cannot do this with me because I don't interact with her (she has tried hard though to drag me in 'what does BigBum think' etc) I don't comment which I think winds her up more. I totally agree with you that minimum contact and ignoring is the best solution. However, the children were much younger when he was with his ex partner and her spiteful behaviours got to her. I feel sorry for her and DP says that he realises that he tried to keep everyone happy but ultimately failed and lost his ex due to it.

The youngest is all but an adult so makes her own mind up now. I think children gradually see how things were and realise that there are different perspectives.

At least MN means that I can ask how others have dealt with it and see that there are some that experience similar. Just hoping it doesn't go on as long as @Joistlooking partner's ex keeps the controlling behaviours going shock that might drive us all mad

OP’s posts: |
Gilda152 Wed 30-Sep-20 13:53:15

This old chestnut again.

You get involved with a father, you inherit his co-parent it is what it is.

If you don't engage why does it matter?

safeordangerous Wed 30-Sep-20 14:09:07

bigbumbiggerheart

*@safeordangerous*

Many thanks for your reply. That's what I was wondering really how common this is and how others have dealt with it.
The me not getting involved at all works really well. She cannot then accuse me of anything. His previous partner lost it with her and 'called her out' on her controlling behaviours and pettiness of it all and unfortunately this added fuel to the fire (so to speak) and so made it easier for her to play a victim role/increased the drama and ultimately the behaviours. She cannot do this with me because I don't interact with her (she has tried hard though to drag me in 'what does BigBum think' etc) I don't comment which I think winds her up more. I totally agree with you that minimum contact and ignoring is the best solution. However, the children were much younger when he was with his ex partner and her spiteful behaviours got to her. I feel sorry for her and DP says that he realises that he tried to keep everyone happy but ultimately failed and lost his ex due to it.

The youngest is all but an adult so makes her own mind up now. I think children gradually see how things were and realise that there are different perspectives.

At least MN means that I can ask how others have dealt with it and see that there are some that experience similar. Just hoping it doesn't go on as long as @Joistlooking partner's ex keeps the controlling behaviours going shock that might drive us all mad

Yeah it sounds like your partners other partner took the bullet so to speak. Thats exactly what she'd have wanted and craved.

I think in some ways your fortunate im that regard.

I'm thinking of introducing my new partner to kids in time but dealin with ex is the one part Im dreading. I think the no involvement route that youve taken is the only viable option

bigbumbiggerheart Wed 30-Sep-20 14:17:04

@safeordangerous

Yes, she did indeed. I learnt from how it affected her. I am not totally there though since I don't show it to her but I find her behaviours selfish, childish and controlling but by not engaging and asking others how they have dealt with similar then it keeps me focused and I won't confront her. That is definitely what she craves.

DP has learnt too - the hard way. He is very non committal with her and keeps the communication very simple and about the children - again the less the better really.

It's working on the most part, apart from she is increasing her attempts to control and interfere but I think that is because her own relationship is going wrong and she is lashing out at others where things are good.

GOOD LUCK with your relationship and when you are ready to introduce your partner to the children try a similar approach in as little at possible contact with your ex. I hope it works out for you both.

OP’s posts: |
safeordangerous Wed 30-Sep-20 16:18:21

Thanks smile

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