Advanced search

am i overreacting

(23 Posts)
noone12345 Tue 29-Sep-20 15:02:36

Hello. After the breakdown of a 14 years relationship i finally decided to try again. It's all going well at the moment but then again is only few months relationship. He got serious fast , talking about a future together and how much i mean to him etc.
Dp suddenly announced yesterday night that his plans changed suddenly and that today he is going to a trip few hours away to meet some woman he knows and talks on the internet for 4 years but he never met. I was a bit surprised because it was suddden and he added that her kids and husband will be there too. I dont know what the truth is but the whole thing just sounds strange to me .
While he can do whatever he wants i am a bit put off by all that, my mind tells me that there is no problem but i can not help feeling unhappy about it. Tonight he expects me to see all the photos he will take in that trip but i just dont want to....
How am i meant to react? Am i meant to be fine with it? I dont want to have long petty conversations about it but same time i dont feel i can be in serious relationship with someone who finds it reasonable to talk with verious women over the internet and arrange meetings with them . Any opinions appreciated

OP’s posts: |
Coriandersucks Tue 29-Sep-20 15:07:26

I don’t see the issue - did they meet over a mutual hobby or something? I assume it wasn’t over a dating app if she’s bringing her husband and kids, and he wants to share the photos with you so doesn’t seem like he’s hiding anything.

You go on to say he speaks to various women on the internet and arranges meeting with them so is this a regular thing? If so that might be different it just depends on context.

Bunnymumy Tue 29-Sep-20 15:10:26

Google love bombing. Does this sound like the start of your relationship?

Theres also something narcissists do called 'narcissistic triangulation' which is when they introduce another women(or more) into the relationship in some way that makes you feel insecure. Eg: constantly talking to other woman online or about a woman from work or even an ex.

This leads to you feeling like 'am I not enough/good enough?'

It is actually geared at making you feel insecure or like you are in competition with these people. If you broach the subject you are made to feel like you are being oversensitive, paranoid or even controlling.

If this sounds like a possibility, read up in narcissists and how to spot them in dating.

newnameforthis123 Tue 29-Sep-20 15:45:24

I would be more worried about it being so intense so quickly between you two to be honest. Sounds like lovebombing (whether on purpose or not) which doesn't lead to healthy relationships as it's not a healthy pace to move at.

noone12345 Tue 29-Sep-20 16:42:36

@Bunnymumy @newnameforthis123 Thank you all for the replies.
I will have to agree that it all goes a bit too fast. He is the one that always initiating and makes plans for the future etc and i guess i just enjoy the attention and didnt want to admit to myself that this can be a red flag. @Coriandersucks Apparently he has few women he talks to over the internet , i dont know if is because of shared interests or what. Untill yesterday i only knew about one who he said he used to like but she rejected him so they are just friends. Also as far as i know the one today is the first he meets
I dont want to be involved in petty situations with conversations of where and why and who he talks to but all that internet talking with women and who knows maybe future meetings is something i am not happy to have in a relationship so i dont know how to proceed

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Tue 29-Sep-20 16:46:35

Oh hell no. Red flags all over the place. You proceed by ending it.

Coriandersucks Tue 29-Sep-20 16:52:29

Yeah this sounds like too much hard work for what I gather is a fairly new relationship. He’s not given you anywhere near enough info and expecting you to go along with it. Follow your gut.

newnameforthis123 Tue 29-Sep-20 17:00:45

Eek OP you know this is silly.

You don't know how to proceed? Don't!

Bananalanacake Tue 29-Sep-20 18:02:37

Don't let him move in with you

noone12345 Thu 01-Oct-20 15:15:23

Hello again, just an update. On the day of the trip i got a message in the morning that the trip wasnt going to happen (dont know why) but i saw the message later when i returned from work. The day after , we were supposed to chat for a bit (sort of every day thing) but he dissapeared for 4 hours which was bit annoying as i try to make time in the day just for this. I didnt say anything about it and later at night he said that he has to tell me something because he will feel bad if he doesnt . He said that his friend called him suddenly in that morning and she announced that she would visit him at home and it was sudden for him and he didnt know and that they spent 4 hours there with her and husband and their kids. He added that he knows is going to make me sad. I dont understand how you self invite yourself in someone's home like that let alone during covid. It just seems so bizzare. All i said is that he could have spared 30 seconds to text and tell me he would be busy instead of having me waiting and wondering
I honestly feel this is the most stupid non issue ever and it belongs in teenager relationships not adult ones. But i have this niggling feeling about the whole situation , just cant put my finger on it. I feel forced to either suppress my feeling about the situation or having to do explanations as to why is not for me but then again this seems petty. Any opinions appreciated

OP’s posts: |
BaconMassive Thu 01-Oct-20 15:30:56

A woman he never met arranged a meet-up at her house or near her house but this got cancelled?

However the very next day she re-arranged it so it was actually in fact a visit to his house?

This trip involves travelling several miles? Seems very bizarre.

Are you familiar with the gif where homer simpson slowly disappears into a hedge? You should do that.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 01-Oct-20 15:38:02

Give him the boot, you remain vulnerable to the approaches of predators and this man actively targeted you after the end of your previous relationship. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by poor treatment, are being further eroded by this man. Value yourself more, he clearly does not.

Bunnymumy Thu 01-Oct-20 15:42:34

Sounds like a load of shite op. I think he wants women to be at his beck and call. He knew you were supposed to have a chat and you were inconveniencing yourself for it and knowing you were sitting about wondering abou hom those four hours - stroked his ego. As did being with another woman at the time.

Its game playing and messing you around.
And he "knows this us going to make you sad" umm...well it wpuldnt if he wasnt making it all sound shady as fuck. He wants it to make you sad. He wants you to be sat wondering what's going on with him and this women.

He is saying you up to be 'crazy/paranoid/jealous/overreacting'. Engeneering this whole thing that should be a non issue. Making it into something he can use to destabilise you and then accuse you of being the one with the problem.

He is not being honest with you for the sake of honesty op. He is manipulating. You feel something isn't right because something isnt right. About him.

Bunnymumy Thu 01-Oct-20 15:44:03

*wondering about him

He is testing your boundaries op. Looking to weaken them.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 01-Oct-20 15:44:06

But i have this niggling feeling about the whole situation , just cant put my finger on it.

And there is it. Your instincts are telling you something is off about this man. Why are you ignoring them?

Get rid and block.

category12 Thu 01-Oct-20 15:45:52

Bail, he's a big lying liar.

What he's saying doesn't make any sense and that's why you have "niggles".

I dunno what the real story is, but you don't want to eat what he's shovelling.

AryaStarkWolf Thu 01-Oct-20 15:52:43

Walk away, he's trying to manipulate you into feeling certain ways, jealousy, insecurity etc seems very emotionally controlling.

Chonkyfire Thu 01-Oct-20 15:53:01

Op I agree wholeheartedly with other posters mentioning Love Bombing. Also google ‘Future Faking’ and ‘Fast Forwarding’. Basically this involves moving at a speed which is too fast and gives you the impression your relationship is more serious than it is.

Actions speak louder than words. Do his actions match up with what he is saying? Does he keep promises?

Red flags everywhere. Please get away from this man, he will only get worse. I also agree about the PP who mentions triangulation. This is definitely what he is doing with this woman.

Topseyt Thu 01-Oct-20 16:04:43

I think you are under-reacting to be honest.

You know something is not right here. He is almost certainly cheating on you. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Two women on the go at once.

Like fuck did a woman he has only "met" online suddenly decide to bring her husband and children to his house for a day out!!

Boot him out. Nothing good will come of this.

Dery Thu 01-Oct-20 16:08:21

"But i have this niggling feeling about the whole situation , just cant put my finger on it. I feel forced to either suppress my feeling about the situation or having to do explanations as to why is not for me but then again this seems petty. Any opinions appreciated"

As PP have said - you've got a niggling feeling about this whole situation because something about it is not right. He's talked to a woman for 4 years and suddenly - in the middle of COVID-19 - she needs to visit him with her family? The whole thing makes no sense.

He lovebombed and future-faked you at the outset as well. NEVER trust a man who makes huge declarations of commitment and affection at the outset. They are meaningless. They are built on fantasy and have nothing to do with reality. It's just him saying what he thinks you want to hear probably so that he can get you into bed more quickly and/or get you to agree to condom-free sex and/or some other kind of bullshit which you wouldn't agree to if your judgment was operating properly.

This guy is messing with your head already - as a poster said on another thread a few days ago: if your relationship has only just begun (in that case the OP was 6 weeks into seeing someone, in this case it's 2 months) and you're having to post on MN because something about it doesn't feel right - that really tells you everything you need to know.

Fortunately, your instincts are in good shape and they are smelling a rat. Bin this guy and move on.

Redbirds Thu 01-Oct-20 16:08:56

He sounds very immature and odd, I'd bin him OP

SBTLove Thu 01-Oct-20 16:12:03

Billy Bullshitter at his best! never met her but she travels for a few hours and turns up with her family?? utter pile of shite
➡️🗑 for him

OnceUponAMidnightBeery Thu 01-Oct-20 23:20:27

Listen to your own instincts, you should trust them. If not, please listen to those of PPs @ @noone12345. Whatever the situation it doesn’t sound right.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in