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Any other overanalysers want to help me overanalyse messages from FWB?

(69 Posts)
BobbyBlonde Tue 29-Sep-20 05:26:38

NC because reasons.

Over the summer I dated someone for about a month. It was quite intense and there was a lot of chemistry but ultimately neither of us were in a place where we wanted a relationship yet because of our young children. We stopped seeing each other for a little bit but have been back in touch for a few weeks and have started seeing each other on a casual basis. The chemistry is still there but we are far less intense!

For context, I am in my late 20s and he is mid 40s. He has only had 2 relationships (and 2 sexual partners), so has never done the FWB thing. I have.

When we saw each other over the weekend, he made a passing comment about how he could cope with falling in love with me, but not with me falling in love with him and him hurting me because he cant give me what I need. He is a chronic overthinker and was worried when we dated that I needed more than he could offer.

Anyway, we were texting last night. It got admittedly quite filthy blush but he said a few things that have made me question whether this is just sex or something more. In one message he reflected on when we were together last and said I was "at my sexiest, most beautiful, and sweetly vulnerable" at that particular moment. He also said that when we spent the night together, it was "a whole night of the most incredible intimacy".

He then went on to say:

"For all the things we could do, have done, I do really enjoy nust being with you and talking. Then kissing while we touch each other. The way your breathing quickens while we kiss".

Now like I've said, I have had a FWB on a few occasions and it has never, ever been like this. My feelings for him never changed - I would be happy for us to have turned down the heat a bit but continue dating with a view to it developing slowly over time into something more, but also I'm aware that the current arrangement could end at a moments notice and I would get over it.

But from what he is saying, do you think there might be feelings on his side too??

OP’s posts: |
BobbyBlonde Tue 29-Sep-20 15:45:04

No one wants to indulge my crazy then?grin

OP’s posts: |
VodselForDinner Tue 29-Sep-20 15:47:54

I dunno, OP, I’m not an over-analyser and haven’t ever had a FWB but I’ve encountered my share of older creeps and “sweetly vulnerable” set off my ick-radar.

FourPlasticRings Tue 29-Sep-20 15:59:22

I've only had bad experiences with men who speak like they fell out of a romance novel.

newnameforthis123 Tue 29-Sep-20 16:03:54

Agree with both PPs.

He is a chronic overthinker and was worried when we dated that I needed more than he could offer.

The arrogance of this and that he couldn't cope if you fell in love with him is staggering. It means he's literally saying he doesn't see you as an equal balanced pairing, whether that's in a relationship of FWB.

You know who probably shouldn't do FWB? Overthinkers. Which you are if we take what you say at face value. And he claims to be, though it's a convenient excuse for many people to act like dicks and then blame their tendency to overthink...

TwentyViginti Tue 29-Sep-20 16:06:34

He's a creep wanting a younger, more (in his eyes) vulnerable woman, or he's writing a cringe romance novel.

AnaViaSalamanca Tue 29-Sep-20 16:09:04

Like PP I am not an overthinker nor I understand FWBs, but when someone (man or woman) says that they can't give you what you want, listen to it. He is enjoying the moment, the ego stroke, the "experience" of romance, the sweet nothings, but I bet it's all a game to him. He is a headfuck.

Woundedadmiral Tue 29-Sep-20 16:16:40

He's not worried about you at all. He's decided to offer almost nothing compared to what he was offering before. That's not the behaviour of someone worried about hurting someone else, though he may be self deluded enough to be telling himself that. You don't get into your arrangement with someone you perceive as sweetly vulnerable if your priorities are no one getting hurt. I think he's far more likely to have said he couldn't cope with breaking your heart because it means you now have to cope with the possibility yourself, having received fair warning. He sounds like he thrives on the drama of the initial excitement and then dresses up his lack of ongoing interest as concern for you not being hurt. He's definitely sending very mixed messages but I wouldn't consider having this person in my life. He can't even be honest with himself about what he wants from you and the tone of his messages is condescending, manipulative and pretentious, given that they're not from a place of infatuation. Which they're not or you wouldn't be stopping and dusting starting like this.

Woundedadmiral Tue 29-Sep-20 16:17:43

Dusting?! You're not dusting.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 29-Sep-20 16:23:56

Is he an author of really bad romance novels? If anyone wrote that shite to me I'd block him.

PixelatedLunchbox Tue 29-Sep-20 16:28:01

VodselForDinner

I dunno, OP, I’m not an over-analyser and haven’t ever had a FWB but I’ve encountered my share of older creeps and “sweetly vulnerable” set off my ick-radar.

Ditto. Ewwww!!!

Bluntness100 Tue 29-Sep-20 16:31:03

Christ, I’d find that a right turn off, it’s like something out of mills and boons

He’s been clear Op. he just wants the shag, for some reason he thinks this is what it takes to get it

I suspect he knows you’ve feelings for him and he’s keeping them stoked up so you’ll keep shagging him.

PontiusPilates Tue 29-Sep-20 16:32:21

He’s full of shit. Run AWAY!

mydogishungry Tue 29-Sep-20 16:45:27

Yeah too many mixed messages. Some guys know what buttons to press and he is doing exactly this. Look at his actions not what he says. Words are easy.

ShopTattsyrup Tue 29-Sep-20 16:55:54

He sounds like a character from a Mills and Boon!

Might be an age and experience thing, if he's never done the FWB arrangement then he's trying to use the mindset and emotional language that goes with a more intense romantic relationship.

Either way - it doesn't sound like either of you will be able to give what the other is looking for in the here and now, which is surely the most important thing.

BobbyBlonde Tue 29-Sep-20 17:06:47

I get all of this and see where you're coming from. And I also see how it seems cringe with the way he is writing but also i dont think he has ever even sexted before so isnt overly confident with it.

But the sticking point for me is that he knows I am not looking for a relationship right now ans am just having casual sex (he knows about another guy I'm seeing, and knows that I have had one night stands and FwB throughout the last six months) si he doesnt have to try to hook me in. If he said "you know what, you're a nice enough person but I'm only interested in sex", I'd still want to sleep with him.

OP’s posts: |
eucalyptuss Tue 29-Sep-20 17:10:57

I wish there was a word for the expression that's one my face.

'Quickens'
'Sweetly vulnerable'

It would be a no from me.

User166777 Tue 29-Sep-20 17:11:12

He sounds like my ex. Really. Does he work for a business starting with B?

That breath quickens text was almost word perfect to something he said to me. I deleted all the messages years ago though.

eucalyptuss Tue 29-Sep-20 17:12:10

User166777

He sounds like my ex. Really. Does he work for a business starting with B?

That breath quickens text was almost word perfect to something he said to me. I deleted all the messages years ago though.


Men using lines like that are probably ten a penny

User166777 Tue 29-Sep-20 17:14:58

@eucalyptuss

Yeah you're right, But he's mid forties with young kids... So just a chance.... But yeah. Ten a penny.

Eckhart Tue 29-Sep-20 17:16:40

I'd take the fact that you're having to post on MN about the relationship, at this stage, as a red flag.

Find someone who doesn't leave you having to 'ask the audience'.

JKRforPM Tue 29-Sep-20 17:34:18

OP I think this is fairly common in casual relationships- you are both partaking in a fantasy, and that is all it is because you don’t actually know each other you know the versions you are presenting online/via text.

If you actually got together it wouldn’t last because you haven’t fallen for each other you’ve fallen for fantasy versions of each other, which is why he used the phrase “sweetly vulnerable” because he sees you as a prop in his fantasies.

If you want to relationship go and meet men who you can spend time with and get to know properly. If you don’t want a relationship then invest in a good vibrator. These “fwb” arrangements never end well.

newnameforthis123 Tue 29-Sep-20 17:45:43

If you're fine with it all and would want to keep shagging him regardless, why post? Not snarkily, I mean really think about that.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC Tue 29-Sep-20 17:51:29

OP I think this is fairly common in casual relationships- you are both partaking in a fantasy, and that is all it is because you don’t actually know each other you know the versions you are presenting online/via text.

This. There is nothing here for you, he isn't into you romantically. He is just doing what feels nice for him, which is fantasizing about an idealised "girlfriend experience".

I speak as someone who had a fwb who is now my long term partner. My dp never ever spoke like this, not even a little bit. He sort of talks like this now, very occasionally when he is feeling extremely soppy. It's been 5 years!! If he'd come out with this sort of shite early on, it would have been crystal clear to me that it was all a bunch of lines and was meaningless.

Don't get yourself twisted into knots OP, it's not what you think it is. Honest.

Closetbeanmuncher Tue 29-Sep-20 18:01:00

That screams flakey with a bad case of verbal diarrhoea to me.

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