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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He snubbed me

15 replies

Limeandlemon · 28/09/2020 19:41

I held a charity event at work, during work hours.
My ex works in the same building as me. We split nine months ago because he still had feelings for his ex wife. I told him I had to go no contact to heal. I haven’t spoke to him since. A couple of times we had to work together for an hour or so and it friendly and amicable. Professional.
He seemed to just not bother about the break up but I don’t know what goes on in his head.
My ex didn’t donate anything, lots of people donated. He donates to all the charity things at work, at Xmas time and the likes. He walked straight past me and didn’t say anything.
I didn’t really think about my ex in all of this when i organised it but it got to me today. I felt hurt. He told me nine months ago he would always be there for me and support me. Today it just looks like he doesn’t care and never did. I know I’m probably over thinking it but I felt totally snubbed.

Bring me back to earth please. Why am I now mooning over him and feeling shit?

OP posts:

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Elieza · 28/09/2020 20:10

It’s ok. It’s a kind of grieving thing for what might have been. And getting used to someone who made those promises being wrong (he may have meant them when he said them but things change) and seeing them in a new light, knowing that your source of comfort, your fall back guy, is no more and perhaps never was. It makes you feel alone.

You’re better off without him. Have a cry and get in with life. You are not alone and are doing fine.

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BigFatLiar · 28/09/2020 20:17

You told him you wanted to go no contact and so that's what he's doing, working with you amicably when required leaving you be otherwise. Perhaps he would like to talk, he may be simply respecting your wishes.

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Limeandlemon · 28/09/2020 20:18

Yeah come to think of it I always had these expectations of him and I was always disappointed. I actually feel embarrassed that he didn’t donate. I don’t know why....guess it’s cause if it was anyone else I feel he would have donated. He did last year.
His birthday is coming up, I won’t be wishing him a happy birthday.
If anything I thought him donating and talking about the event would clear the awkwardness but now it feels worse.
The whole relationship made me feel worthless. I told him I loved him and he said he liked me and thought a lot of me. I felt like the worlds biggest fool.

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Limeandlemon · 28/09/2020 20:22

I wish I could talk to him but I vow never to chase him again. I felt like I was chasing him the whole time. I feel totally rejected when he said he liked me. He strung me along for sure.
He would have been quite happy with friends with benefits but I wanted more.
I just think if he cared he wouldn’t just snub my efforts.

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Marlena1 · 28/09/2020 20:28

If he didn't care he would have breezily said hi and gone about his business. We always think about what might have been and build up a fantasy in our head so it's normal to get upset when we meet an ex. It doesn't show him in a great light either. It's a bit childish to just ignore. Sorry though, I know it's hard. Well done on the charity event too.

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nitsandwormsdodger · 28/09/2020 20:30

Was he married?

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Limeandlemon · 28/09/2020 20:35

He was separated, still had feelings for his ex, he never said that but it was plain as day. I asked if he loved her he said his wife was his wife.
It was a really intense relationship, crazy strong connection. Obsessed with each other. Think he’s still obsessed with me too but he def keeps away. He runs from emotion too and stonewalls when he feels things so was the absolute worst to communicate with. Have no idea what goes through his head.
I have no idea why I was so taken with him when he was a bad egg for me.
I was doing fine.
I had a fake account add me on fb a couple of weeks ago and a message asking how I was, not from him but it was a made up account and I had suspicions it was him but I’m not sure. It really has opened up old feelings and today I thought to myself if he wants to make contact then donating to my cause would be the perfect excuse. And he snubs me and doesn’t even look at my efforts. I feel hurt but more so I feel so fucking stupid for thinking of him.

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BigFatLiar · 28/09/2020 22:18

Telling him you want to go no contact isn't code for 'I'd like to keep in touch, speak to me'. He thinks you don't want him to contact you - thats what you told him. As for the charity thing you organised perhaps he thought you wouldn't welcome his involvement. Do you he's being thick as he should have understood you didn't really mean no contact.

If that was him on FB asking it may be he wants to know how you are but doesn't want to speak directly in case you are annoyed at him breaking the no contact request. If you do like him no need to chase him try just asking how he is next time you see him. You're the one who told him to not get in touch if you're ready to speak to him then you need to let him know.

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BigFatLiar · 28/09/2020 22:19

As for your title, he hasn't snubbed you, he's respected your wishes.

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beachydreams · 29/09/2020 02:02

The thing is you’re still hung up on him. If you weren’t then there wouldn’t be such a strong reaction. If he’s ever feeling lonely and gets back in touch you’ll be there in a jiffy. You’re vulnerable. He’s not into you is he? You’ve got hung up on obsession but he was only using you to get over his ex. You need to stay away and get over him. You’d be there if he snapped his fingers, he’d be there if his ex snapped her fingers. You are always going to be second best with this guy so get some therapy if that’s what you need. Are you dating again?

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WouldBeGood · 29/09/2020 02:32

I second the therapy idea. It sounds to me a little like you thought maybe by organising the charity thing it would enable a talk and rekindling? Therapy will help you to move on and find someone who wants you as much as you want them 💐

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Hydrate · 29/09/2020 02:48

You told him you needed to go no contact and so that's what he has done, I wouldn't say he snubbed you I would say he respected your wishes . Why was he at the event in the first place, was it required at the workplace?

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Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2020 02:55

You told him you wanted to go no contact. He respected your request and has. I don't understand why you're now upset about it. Move on.

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PaterPower · 29/09/2020 04:49

Given you work together, he’d be crazy doing anything other than being professional in the office and respecting your wishes.

It would be a recipe for HR involvement otherwise.

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Limeandlemon · 29/09/2020 07:27

This is why it bothers me so much because I thought I was over him. I mean only just. I wasn’t expecting to have such a strong reaction to him ignoring me.
There was a lot he did that hurt me and I don’t wanna go back there, I don’t want to have feelings for him but I do. Just wish I could shake them.