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What would you do if your DH said this?

(74 Posts)
Unicorns87 Mon 28-Sep-20 18:36:23

So I'm having alot of problems with my DH at the moment. I'm thinking of leaving him on the grounds of psychological and emotional abuse (although I can't decide whether it is abuse or just his personality in general)
Basically, he's not been very nice to me at all for a long time.
Together 9 years
Married 3
1 DS - 21 months old
I'm really struggling with my feelings towards him. But that's another thread for discussion.....
However one of my pet hates about him is how he communicates about Sex!!
We used to have a healthy sex life, but nothing unusual for a new relationship. By the time we moved in together (2 years in) it had started to dwindle. Mainly because that's when his true personality started to show and if I'm honest, I've fancied him less and less as time has gone on. There was a period that we were both working very long hours so that is also partly to blame but really, I have a much younger brother who at the time would make very crude comments about sex. Funny when they are coming out of a 21 year olds mouth but not so much when my DH of 32 starts trying to copy but doesn't quite understand when enough is enough and takes it too far to the point it just starts sounding ridiculous, and immature.
I have tried to tell him he takes it too far but in his usual way, he gets extremely defensive and nasty.
Sex has become almost non existent for us in recent years and I've even admitted to him that I didn't want him touching me until he could treat me better. He never seems to take anything that I say on board. And for the first time in a while, I finally had sex with him about a month ago and ever since he keeps making the comments again.
He gets nasty when I say I don't want it. He regularly asks whether we are having sex tonight so he can have a wash if we are, which is obviously a mood killer in itself.
And has started with the crude over the top comments like, whilst he's bathing our son and I say I'll jump in the shower after,
'oooo yeh you wanna wash cos I'm going to bang your vagina tonight'.
He also can't help but grab me from behind or from the front and starts banging his bits against me as if we're having sex.
I'm sorry but I'm just so put off and fed up.

OP’s posts: |
Lockdownseperation Mon 28-Sep-20 18:40:16

I really can’t imagine my husband saying that. He certainly wouldn’t say something again if he knew it upset me/crossed a boundary.

It doesn’t sound like a good relationship.

It shouldn’t really matter what strangers would say/do.
What do you want your life be like? Can that happen with him?

EKGEMS Mon 28-Sep-20 18:44:59

"If you continue speaking disrespectfully to me like a fucking pervert I will be speaking with a divorce attorney tomorrow"

Fred578 Mon 28-Sep-20 18:47:30

God he sounds fucking vile 🤮 you can do better than that

mbosnz Mon 28-Sep-20 18:50:13

I'd be perfecting my mule-like kick to his bits.

Unicorns87 Mon 28-Sep-20 18:51:11

He knows I hate it. But its as if it gives him ammunition to start an argument with me over it. He likes to turn things around as if it's all my fault that our relationship is failing. He often makes comments like 'what, what? I'm 32 and don't have a sex life anymore. You can't take a joke'.

@EKGEMS I really wouldn't ever be able to say anything that assertive to him. It would absolutely blow up. He really likes to be the one to have the last word

OP’s posts: |
Djchickpea Mon 28-Sep-20 18:51:20

Sorry but he sounds like he's about 15

Elieza Mon 28-Sep-20 18:52:21

Typical horny caveman attitude. He’s horny. He doesn’t know how to encourage you to have sex with him. So he turns it into crude comments or actions in the hope it may somehow trigger a sexual response in you.

Romantic or what. Sigh.

I know you’ve got a baby but do you see yourself with this guy for the duration coz I think it may be time to have a good discussion about things. Or just cut to the chase and go. Sorry.

Byallmeans Mon 28-Sep-20 18:54:28

Yeah you gotta leave that’s hanging 🤮🤮🤮

Mylittlepony374 Mon 28-Sep-20 18:54:58

That's awful. But most disturbing is the getting nasty when you say you don't want it, but also not taking anything you say on board. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you. The "bang your vagina" comment is juvenile and would ensure he got nowhere near my vagina for a looooongggg time. Gross.

Italiangreyhound Mon 28-Sep-20 18:55:18

You don't have to put up with that. It's horrible.

Unicorns87 Mon 28-Sep-20 18:57:30

And no this isn't what I want my life to be like. He knows I don't like it and it's one of the many things that started putting me off him.
I understand he's a bloke and men 'need sex' but I suppose I wanna know if my DH is like every other man in the way he handles it or if you're DH have more respect for you.
He very much has narcissist characteristics which show at times like this.
I am really considering leaving him but he has drowned me alot into thinking it's all my fault but I really have tried to tell him to stop it

OP’s posts: |
mbosnz Mon 28-Sep-20 19:06:12

Men need sex as women need sex. They don't die if they don't get it. They can actually deal with their own sexual frustration.

I don't do being mauled, grabbed, or having crude sexual talk foisted upon me in front of my children. Somehow that just seems to be an unspoken understanding - even with my prick of an ex.

Onthedunes Mon 28-Sep-20 19:09:10

You sound a bit too high brow for him to be honest.

Saying that I can't imagine where he would find a partner that would find that kind of talk remotely enticing.

Quartz2208 Mon 28-Sep-20 19:12:02

he is abusive
It ISNT your fault
you should leave

widespreadpanic Mon 28-Sep-20 19:18:54

Ewwww... he sounds about 14.

Total turn off.

FlapsInTheWind Mon 28-Sep-20 19:35:08

You can't possibly carry on being married to this total jerk OP. This is being modelled to your DC too.

Get legal advice and divorce him. It doesn't matter on what grounds, just start a lovely life away from this total manchild. He will get worse not better.

Pinkyandthebrainz Mon 28-Sep-20 19:39:59

Jesus wept leave him. That sounds absolutely horrific.

123344user Mon 28-Sep-20 19:42:12

Goodness what a prince! I'm sure he'd act just the same with Beyoncé (although presumably only for the 4 seconds she would take to dump him for it).

This isn't nice! This isn't normal! When my DH is feeling amorous he cuddles up with big eyes and little kisses, but should the response be 'I love you too but #whateverreason' then he'll toddle off and make the coffee or read his book or something.

Sorry to say but he doesn't sound like a man likely to change tho sad

Livelifejoyful Mon 28-Sep-20 19:53:42

He sounds like a knobhead. But from what you've said, it seems you've stayed in this t relantionship knowing that you don't really want it, and in that time have been starving him of sex. IMO is not really fair and him feeling rejected by you constantly, could be conjuring up hateful feelings and is why he's acting out in anyway he can. Not exucsing the behaviour, but could be the reason behind it. He feels out of control so he's losing control of himself and his behaviour. My husband and I both have a high sex drive, his slightly higher. And we have sex at least 5 times a week, he would have it more if he could.

ifhedoesntlikeithecanstuffit Mon 28-Sep-20 19:53:51

I'd find that a massive turn off! Each to their own - but you are really NBU to find it gross. However, you do need a way to discuss what each of you do and don't like, and then normal couples would probably agree to avoid anything which the other doesn't like, and find mutual ground.

If you can't talk to him about this then I think you are right that there are bigger issues here. I can't comment whether he's abusive but if you don't feel able to talk about things then it's hard to see a way forward for any part of your relationship. flowers

CupoTeap Mon 28-Sep-20 19:56:07

This is a 'good enough' reason to leave. You've told him you don't like it, he's making it clear he's not going to change.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 28-Sep-20 19:57:03

You are married to an absolute fuckwit. Just reading about the things he says and does made my skin crawl.

Home42 Mon 28-Sep-20 20:08:02

I’m divorced and mind and exes sex life had been almost non-existent for 2 years. He wanted more, I didn’t. He NEVER made crude comments like this. Even on our worst days he had more respect for me than that. Your husband is a disgusting pig and you should leave.

Plussizejumpsuit Mon 28-Sep-20 20:12:44

He's abusive and no it's not how others husbands normally handle it. This is not right. Sorry this is happening.

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