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Why is he still checking up on his ex?

(46 Posts)
Overitallllll Mon 28-Sep-20 15:22:55

So I’ve been dating a guy for around 3 months. I know he was involved with a girl and it was quite messy. They ended on very bad terms he hasn’t told me what happened just that it was bad.

Our relationship has been really good so far, he came to my birthday party, met my friends and made it Instagram official? Well at least I did. He said he’s a very private person so wouldn’t really share pictures like that.

Anyway twice now I’ve seen that he has searched her on Instagram. They don’t follow each other but he’s been watching her stories. We were sat next to each other and I wasn’t checking his screen I just saw. I feel like as he was so open it’s not really a thing.

Recently he bumped into her, he told me and said it was awkward. Anyway thought nothing of it as he didn’t need to tell me. But I had seen them having a chat where he said basically she didn’t speak to him and rushed off. Why is he so bothered? Is he not over her? When he speaks of her, it’s not from a place of hate but he doesn’t seem very positive about it?

OP’s posts: |
Greeneyes78 Mon 28-Sep-20 15:25:01

we can only guess, what does he say

Aquamarine1029 Mon 28-Sep-20 15:27:31

Sounds like he's not over her/their relationship to me. I would be taking things very slowly if I were you.

category12 Mon 28-Sep-20 15:29:15

Why are you checking up on his Internet activity? When did that become normal to you? hmm

pwnuwvvagv Mon 28-Sep-20 15:32:11

I wonder if he realises that she can see he's looked at her stories? The fact that he doesn't follow her is a bit embarrassing if she knows he's been checking her stories because she'll know he's been searching for her each day just to watch them blush

Scweltish Mon 28-Sep-20 15:36:21

How long ago did they break up? I wouldn’t look too much into this really. I’ve been with my oh for 14 years and still occasionally look up exes just to see how they’re doing. I’d be more concerned about you checking his internet history tbh

Overitallllll Mon 28-Sep-20 15:39:15

I wasn’t checking, literally he’s sat next to me and I can see what he’s doing. I see her in his search bar.

They broke up about a month before we started talking. I know that’s early but he’s been very adamant that it’s ended. So not really sure why he would want her to talk to him, or why he’s checking up on her. He 100% knows she can see him watching, so that to me is weird in itself

OP’s posts: |
CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 28-Sep-20 15:47:13

It's a new relationship, supposed to be all hearts and flowers, the most romantic, involved time.

And there you are, watching him watching her!

Pack up your self respect and leave him to it. He really isn't ready for a new relationship.

Dillo10 Mon 28-Sep-20 15:52:27

Oh my god, I'm married and I sometimes search my ex fiancee on social media to see what he is doing, for example if he's met someone or got married/had a baby I'd want to know because I'm simply very nosy and we were together a long time. I've always found it very odd that people are expected to simply forget that someone exists because they're broken up. Especially if you were together a long time. I feel there is so much pressure to behave perfectly all the time in relationships. We are only human, he hasn't crossed any lines in my opinion.

Overitallllll Mon 28-Sep-20 15:59:28

I just feel like he’s been checking in on her? Do I ask if he’s over her or is that too deep? I don’t want to look like I’ve been keeping tabs.

OP’s posts: |
BlueThistles Mon 28-Sep-20 16:18:45

Why are you checking up on his Internet activity? When did that become normal to you?

We were sat next to each other and I wasn’t checking his screen I just saw. I feel like as he was so open it’s not really a thing.

Does THIS answer your question, it was in the original post.

Dillo10 Mon 28-Sep-20 16:20:11

You really have to ask yourself why he would be in a relationship with you if he wasn't truly over her... is there anything else he says/does that suggests to you that he's not committed to this new relationship with you?

If you think you have a good enough sense of connection and trust so far, you could ask him... my personal motto is "Never ask a question you don't know the answer to" - for example you could ask a million questions about his feelings and other stuff, but you'll always have to take his word for it. Whereas if you were to ask him whether he has been checking up on her and he says no... you know that's not true and therefore he has something more to hide. Make sense?

Overitallllll Mon 28-Sep-20 16:23:55

That’s very true, thank you. I think I will ask him just to see where his heads at. He hasn’t really given me a reason to doubt him. Just when I saw that it threw me off a bit.

Why would he be upset that she didn’t talk to him and rushed off? That’s strange I think

OP’s posts: |
tinyvulture Mon 28-Sep-20 16:30:40

I’m friends with two of my exes and look at there stuff on Facebook. I don’t think it’s unusual. Ask him if he still sees her as a friend. And decide if you are ok with that if he does. You can’t stop him doing so, but you can choose not to be in the relationship.

Overitallllll Mon 28-Sep-20 16:33:01

I think it’s the fact he doesn’t follow her. So he’s going out of his way to check what she’s doing.

I suppose I’m just weary of asking him and coming across as unhinged

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TheChristmasPrincess Mon 28-Sep-20 16:44:39

My DH did this and I exploded at him. I was very insecure and naively (and rather self centredly) thought it meant that he still had feelings for her and was in love with her.

After a massive argument (he has a tendency to try and ignore an issue rather talk it through) he eventually admitted that he was curious about what she was up to. He explained that he used to love her and whilst he is no longer in love with her, he still cares about her at a basic level and is curious as to whether she is well or not. It’s like if you fall out with a friend or vice versa, and you check up on them on Facebook just to see what they’re up to. It doesn’t mean you’re still best friends with them, you’re just curious because you share a past with them. You’re interested in where they ended up working, are they married, have they had kids etc.

Once he had explained it like that, I kind of understood better. I still didn’t like it (but that’s due to my own insecurity and jealousy, which I have since worked on) but I accepted it. It helped that eventually my own curiosity got the better of me and I checked up on an ex boyfriend too. Then I realised, i wasn’t interested in checking in on him because i was still hung up on them, I was just being nosey and seeing what they were up to.

Also, I’m not accusing you of checking up on his internet history or anything but just in case you are tempted...don’t do it. It will only drive you crazy and when you try to confront them about it they will only deflect about you snooping and you will get even more frustrated 🙂

MrCellophane Mon 28-Sep-20 17:57:13

How long were they together? A month seems pretty quick to start a new relationship but I know people move on at different speeds. I think the fact he’s looked more than once (that you know of) in such a short space of time would make me worry a bit that he’s not completely over her. It’s not like he’s just looked once out of curiosity.

unmarkedbythat Mon 28-Sep-20 18:04:25

I've been with dh almost 17 years, married for over 15. Three dc. Lots of ups and downs over the last few years but firmly committed to one another and it feels (oh god I am jinxing it) like we're coming out the other side now. I don't want to sleep with anyone else. I fancy the pants off him and like him and respect and care about him. I still get it into my head every so often to look up an ex, just to see where they are, who they are, how their life has turned out. Just like every so often I'll have a dig for info about a long ago friend or colleague. They pop into my head, I think, I wonder what Sam's up to, I have a look, done.

If your partner is open and honest enough about this to be looking her up whilst sat next to you with his screen clearly visible he doesn't seem to be hiding anything, which would worry me a bit.

Rybvita Mon 28-Sep-20 18:23:34

A lot of men unfortunately rush into rebound relationships when they're not over the previous woman. Rarely are these men honest about this because they know the new woman will go off them and they'll miss out on getting sex on tap etc. from you so I doubt you will get him confessing anything if you bring it up.

If it's not been long ago since they broke up, I'd be wary to be honest. Why are you rushing to make things 'instagram official' when he's not bothered to do the same? Don't be clingy, if his heart's not in it, it doesn't matter what you do. I'd be pulling back and saying you want to move more slowly instead of making yourself so available to him.

Overitallllll Mon 28-Sep-20 18:27:21

I was rushing. I’ve always fancied him, we worked together and used to talk even when he was with her. Nothing like that but I suppose I feel like we’ve known each other for a while.

I think he was checking her next to me because i didn’t know who she was. But I worked it out. I don’t know I just feel like as he messaged her aswell. He’s not over her. I don’t want to be a rebound or constantly worrying if he will be getting back with her

OP’s posts: |
wobblywinelover Mon 28-Sep-20 18:29:00

Rybvita

A lot of men unfortunately rush into rebound relationships when they're not over the previous woman. Rarely are these men honest about this because they know the new woman will go off them and they'll miss out on getting sex on tap etc. from you so I doubt you will get him confessing anything if you bring it up.

If it's not been long ago since they broke up, I'd be wary to be honest. Why are you rushing to make things 'instagram official' when he's not bothered to do the same? Don't be clingy, if his heart's not in it, it doesn't matter what you do. I'd be pulling back and saying you want to move more slowly instead of making yourself so available to him.

I second this

LemonTT Mon 28-Sep-20 18:38:18

You are not going to like it, but the obviously explanation for this behaviour is that he is not over her.

It’s been 4 months since they split. This makes you the rebound. He knew you fancied him. You were an easy option.

She’s clearly run for the hills. But if he could he would be up that hill.

Button70 Mon 28-Sep-20 18:40:21

That indicates to me that he’s still interested in her...I have an ex that creates stalking accounts and adds me...and she forgets I can see that she’s viewed me on LinkedIn....I could care less but my wife hates it..

Overitallllll Mon 28-Sep-20 18:52:59

I think because he was so adamant about not really liking her. I feel like 4 months is a short time but long enough to get over someone? I’ve just text him to ask why he’s still stalking her.

OP’s posts: |
slipperywhensparticus Mon 28-Sep-20 19:04:37

I've been split from my ex for 6 years and he left his first ex wife over 13 years ago his most recent ex told me he still drives past my house to "see who is at my house" goes ballistic if someone else's car is parked outside (on a public street I have no driveway) which I sort of knew but what I DIDNT know was he also stalks his FIRST ex wife the same way so now he is driving past two ex wives and an ex fiance

I'm wondering (when I'm bored) what his new girlfriend thinks of all this

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