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Name calling

(27 Posts)
Circus123 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:08:29

Whenever my husband and I have an argument he calls/texts me the most horrible names. I had an affair four years ago which he is still very angry about. He told me this morning he will never forgive me for what I did. He calls me a narcissist, an abuser, a crap mother, a shit wife, everybody hates me etc. One of the words he has started using frequently is DIRTY. He knows this really hurts me as I was abused when I was 11. I've only slept with three people in my life, I'm 40.

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Sunnydaysstillhere Mon 28-Sep-20 14:09:46

Make plans for him to be your exh op... Having an affair isn't a green light to abuse you..

madcatladyforever Mon 28-Sep-20 14:15:46

He won't ever forgive you for what you did so it's time to make plans to leave.
I also had an affair quite early on in our marriage because my exH said he wanted an open marriage so I took him at his word and he then changed his mind as soon as I'd had the affair and said he'd never forgive me and so on and so forth (first marriage), that I should have asked him first and general total about face.
Then followed the most awful 8 years of general abuse and I wish I hadn't waited so long to leave quite honestly I could have saved myself loads of grief.
Some men forgive and some don't and I think you are setting yourself up for hell on earth if you don't.

username501 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:16:19

When someone has an affair and the other person chooses to remain in the relationship, it's not with the caveat that they can grind them into the ground with emotional abuse.

I think him using your previous abuse in order to shame you is repulsive behaviour and I'm not sure you can move on from this. You've given it four years and he's just used that time to destroy your self esteem instead of working on the relationship.

Is he abusing you in other ways as well? I'm wondering if he's sexually abusing you as that's common in these scenarios, they also use the affair in order to sleep around or treat you without consideration. Irrespective, you've done your penance OP and I think it's time to start making plans to leave.

Circus123 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:17:33

@Sunnydaysstillhere, I rang Women's Aid this morning and got some good advice. I think he only stays with. E to punish me more. My mental health has deteriorated since the affair (he told everybody) parents at my children's school and all. I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, ptsd and depression since the affair. I have no friends or family. He tells me I start every argument, I don't.

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category12 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:18:06

Time to give it up. You don't need to live like this.

Sunnydaysstillhere Mon 28-Sep-20 14:21:32

I bet nobody blames you for straying op... My exh told people at the school I was mently ill. He told the teachers I was dead and I had to get a letter from the court to show I wasn't!!
Reach out to a friend op. Let someone help you irl. We are all behind you. I left an abusive dh and took my 4 x dc with me.

Circus123 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:21:51

@username501, his behaviour towards me is getting worse not better. He has on occasion hit me. He most recently kicked me two weeks ago while I was sitting on the sofa. He said I barely touched you, would you ever stop you lying c**t. He tells me if I ring the police that they will take the kids from me. If I don't want to have sex with him he says I don't love him.

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username501 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:24:20

I knew he'd be coercing you into sex. OP this has nothing to do with your affair, he's just an abuser using the affair in order to treat you like his own personal punchbag.

You have to remove yourself from this situation. Well done for contacting Women's Aid and I hope they help you get away.

Circus123 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:25:00

@Sunnydaysstillhere, wow, good for you for leaving. I know I need to but I literally have nobody. Since the affair he gradually cut everyone from my life. If I wanted to spend time with anybody else he would accuse me of not wanting to be part of the family. The laughable thing is I was always here and he took me for granted (hence the affair)

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category12 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:25:30

You're suffering domestic violence and abuse.

No-one will take your dc away from you. The ss are more likely to support you to split from him with your children than they would want you and dc to stay with him in an abusive household.

You could potentially go with them into a refuge.

Anordinarymum Mon 28-Sep-20 14:25:48

Oh my god. Are you ok now ? Please get away from this man. Please, for your own mental health and your children's welfare you need to be away from him. I agree he won't stop being like this. I wish I could offer some concrete advice but I obviously don't know you and your situation as regards leaving him but if you have phoned women's aid then you know it's time to draw a line under this one.

* a hug on it's way*

category12 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:26:27

Maybe you can reconnect with family and friends if you get away from him?

Mindcounsellingedinburgh Mon 28-Sep-20 14:38:57

Sorry to hear about it.
I am a counsellor.
I hear you don't feel loved and he does not feel respected. Please don't misunderstand me here, we all need both, but it is how we approach each other in relationship that it says a lot about our attachment styles.
I would advise you to get marriage counselling. Hope all the best.

category12 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:41:12

Marriage counselling is not recommended where there is abuse.

Circus123 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:45:39

Thanks Everyone. Women's aid advised me to get a protection order and to tell the police what's going on so as they have it on file if anything happens. As we have a mortgage together I don't qualify for any help with rent so I can just leave and I have nowhere to go. He has always said he will never leave the house. @Mindcounsellingedinburgh, we did do marriage counselling but nothing changed. He said because the counsellor was female that she was on my side. He also got counselling for about two years which made him even angrier. He felt he was allowed to be angry because I was such a slut.

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SoulofanAggron Mon 28-Sep-20 14:47:04

Please separate from him and don't go back. He is abusing you in numerous ways. The affair is just great ammunition he can use for his abuse. There are probably other things he uses too, including the 'dirty' thing. He's awful. sad xxxxx

category12 Mon 28-Sep-20 14:55:44

You might be able to get an occupation order for the house to get and keep him out. As a sole parent, you would be entitled to universal credit etc. You may be entitled to legal aid as there is abuse. You need to create a paper trail (on the quiet) to document the abuse. Try to remember dates and incidents. When he kicked you, were there any marks? If you're not leaving currently, if he hurts you again, please take photos and speak to your gp if possible.

Divorce would force a sale of the property or him to buy you out.

neversayalways Mon 28-Sep-20 14:57:51

I would advise you to get marriage counselling

Just fuck off with this! Seriously.
Do not gaslight women in abusive relationships to get counselling to help them find a way to cope with living with their abusers. This man clearly hates the OP, has publicly shamed her. No one should be advise to strive to find a way to live with such a man.

I was furious when a solicitor at Women's Aid suggested counselling in my marriage. It had taken me over a decade to finally see my husband for who he was, to realise that it wasn't me, that no matter how hard I tried to find the right words in the right way it would never make any difference. Then to be told to go down that useless rabbit hole again! Fuck off!

That advice was as a bad as that from another counsellor who, when I had finally got angry enough with my husband to leave, told me not to act when I was angry. That was terrible advice! The anger was what gave me the courage and strength to leave. By undermining that she crushed me and put all the doubts he laid in me back to the fore so I stayed which fucked up my life for years. I heard much better advice later - ' listen to you anger and steward it wisely.'

Circus123 Mon 28-Sep-20 15:01:56

@category12, I live in Ireland so probably different rules here. I am entitled to free legal aid because I don't work and I receive illness benefit. No there were no marks when he kicked me. I have text messages from him calling me names. Last night I had ten seperate messages from him and each one of them called me a name. Apparantly I'm an alcoholic too (I like a drink on a Friday night, light beer). My kids hate me too according to him. It's just so frustrating when he says all these things. He doesn't let me answer back because he will say everything and walk away and tell me to leave him alone.

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Mindcounsellingedinburgh Mon 28-Sep-20 15:05:00

Absolutely right, but I don't know the circumstances only from this post.
The reason I ask the signs of domestic abuse in questions.

Anordinarymum Mon 28-Sep-20 15:08:43


Absolutely right, but I don't know the circumstances only from this post.
The reason I ask the signs of domestic abuse in questions.

And that's right. It is really difficult to gauge a situation from a few posts on a message forum. People jump on others when they have no right to do so and using emotive language gets nobody anywhere fast

category12 Mon 28-Sep-20 15:10:19

Oh so sorry, didn't realise you were in Ireland. It's good you have spoken with Women's Aid, please keep working with them to find your way forward. Please don't minimise what is happening and please don't think you deserve it, you do not.

category12 Mon 28-Sep-20 15:12:40

Try reading op's posts about being kicked for a bloody start, you morons.

LilyLongJohn Mon 28-Sep-20 15:33:21

He's abusing you op, take the advice from Womens aid. And remember, just because he says something, doesn't make it true.

I think you'll find your mental health will improve dramatically once you leave, and you can start yo make friends and repair family ties

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