What is this behaviour? Me in the wrong again??

[Clementinewine]

Morning everyone just wondered what you thought about the latest argument...

Me trying to raise something pretty small in the grand scheme that bothers me, as calmly and nicely as I can, him getting increasingly angry about it before storming off, locking himself in bathroom slamming door and swearing loudly.
Me leaving then texting later not trying to have a go but explaining that I really want to be able to talk to him, communicate, resolve things without him getting angry. I said I can't take responsibility for his anger or reaction to things. I said I loved him at the end. Admittedly it was probably an overwhelmingly long message and I know I am bad for that and it can sometimes be too much.
Then him replying angrily about how he has a right to be angry, saying I was being angry when I tried to have this discussion and oh but he isn't allowed to be. I don't believe I was being angry at all. I tried to bring something up that bothered me as carefully as I could because I know how he reacts sometimes. He storms off swearing. Now saying I was being angry and the argument became about...having a right to be angry and who was angry?! Rather than what I initially bought up.
He also said I am always mentioning what bothers me or what he shouldn't do. Well maybe I do it a bit but he also forgets the positive stuff, when I thank him for things, etc. Also I feel if I don't tell him things that bother me that it isn't healthy, and I might get resentful. I'm desperate to have an adult relationship where things can be communicated and resolved. I know I too can sometimes react badly to things being bought up but I have recognised that and I am trying to work on it, but he rarely does bring things up anyway.

Ultimately ended up in full blown argument first there and then in the messages, and me spending the evening alone really upset and him ignoring when I tried to phone. Often after arguments I am left very upset and he doesn't bother to check in on me at all. And me apologising for everything and apologising again this morning and he is just ignoring basically.

I did call him a name at the end of the arguing via text, I know it is bad and I have apologised. But it is a name he always refers to himself as and it is not a hugely awful one. I was so upset and overwhelmed and I find it difficult to calm down when I am really upset (teary etc) especially as I am always just left alone to deal with it by myself after an argument. I got no sleep at all and ended up getting s bit drunk alone as well which I shan't be doing again (I rarely drink anyway) as I just felt so upset and frankly out of my mind a bit.

What is this behaviour? Am I in the wrong yet again?

[TwentyViginti]

This is your partner? You sound very lonely and unsupported. Maybe time to call it a day?

[Hadalifeonce]

After a marriage when I couldn't say anything 'negative' without me ex telling me 'if you don't like it you know what you can do'; I met my now DH who taught me the importance of communication, even when it's uncomfortable.
It was when he told me that he might not agree with what I'm saying, or it might make him angry, but he still loves me and we need to be able to communicate, that I knew I shouldn't hold everything and just cry and seethe on my, but talk in and adult way.

You really have to think again about being with this person, you should never have to apologise for something you haven't done, just to stop someone being irrational.

[Clementinewine]

I know. Thank you. I so badly wanted it to work and I know I can get too emotional sometimes too. I just find it so hard to discuss anything with him.
He believes I am emotionally unstable (I do too, and I have been speaking to a psychiatrist, also have an eating disorder) and says he wants to be there for me but yet he knows I am at my most upset after we have argued and he never ever checks if I am ok. He did a bit at the start (together 2 years) but not now. Maybe he has just checked out already. Maybe he doesn't love me

It is very upsetting. I am very disappointed. He is a decade older but it is impossible trying to talk to him.

Basically the discussion was about his language he uses sometimes when trying to help me but it doesn't help me really. He made some comment like oh there's another word I'm not allowed to use then. The only other word I can think of that I said I didn't like was when he called me a bitch a few times "as a joke"/in a jokey way.

Ahh I am so tired, upset, disappointed. I keep trying but it's clear he doesn't care. Normally arguments blow up, aren't resolved, we might not chat for a while till I come back apologising and feeling guilty for everything.

[MashedSweetSpud]

There's not meant to be this much drama.

I'd move on.

[ABCDay]

You sound like you're walking on eggshells.

He accused you of being angry when you weren't? Abusers often accuse you of doing something they're doing or feeling.

You'll never get anywhere trying to sort out things that bother you because you will always be in the wrong (according to him), none of it will be his fault, it's your issue therefore a non-issue (according to him).

Is there anything good about your relationship with him?

[Tiny2018]

This will inevitably end in you being too anxious to talk to him about issues in the future and it will be a lonely existence. Perhaps is behaviour is designed to make you shut up, or perhaps he cannot take responsibility.
Ultimately, neither will have a good outcome.

[TwentyViginti]

I think you'll find your MH improves massively without this man draining you. He calls you a bitch in a 'jokey' way?

That's what all abusers say. "It was a joke, just banter"

Funny how the victim of these jokes is always labelled emotionally unstable.

These men tend to have 'crazy' exes

[MoJoBangles]

Sounds like deflection and stone walling to me which are both emotional abuse tactics. It's not you, its him and this isn't how healthy adults respond to feedback from their partner. I'd suggest googling NPD.

[MoJoBangles]

[MoJoBangles]

[Clementinewine]

I know, I know none of it is right really. I'm not perfect myself. But have found a lot of things with him very difficult, very different to my last ex who I was with for a fairly long time. My MH has always been precarious yes, hence my history of eating disorders and other things but it has massively nose dived during this 2 years and I have never felt so crazy and upset after arguments.

It is very frustrating. He will never accept any of it. He is still ignoring me and I know I need better, I am just incredibly lonely. Few friends, work from home, live alone, he is a neighbour which doesn't help but I don't want to move. Also too paranoid about covid to go out much these days as well.

Thank you

[Clementinewine]

He does seem to have a pretty fragile ego.
At the beginning it was clear when he flipped over something small, some offence, that he had a temper and was wrong, and he apologised occasionally. Now always twisted on me, and I can't bring anything up at all. Being accused of being angry...wow. am I never allowed to get annoyed or mildly angry with him?!

The other day we were watching TV and this strong woman said "no" in a fairly abrupt tone to somebody and he said at the TV "aggressive". Perhaps he feels women should all just be nice and sweet and grateful all the time?

[TwentyViginti]

You don't live together? So just end it now. You'll feel much better and in control.

Honestly, being single for a while will do you good. You'll have the mental space to work on yourself rather than tying yourself in knots trying to reason with and placate this man.

Relationships are supposed to enhance our lives, not drag us down.

[TwentyViginti]

Perhaps he feels women should all just be nice and sweet and grateful all the time?

You no longer care what your now ex thinks, right?

[Clementinewine]

Not together but very close neighbours. Hard to avoid each other, hard when I am feeling particularly lonely or miss him because I do love him.

There are good things. He does look after me and provide things...but it feels like it is when he wants to. He is never ever there after we argue and how knows how upset I am. I was actually feeling quite scared last night (drunk and too upset) and phoned him twice and he didn't pick up. It is not me trying to be manipulative, all I wanted was a hug and help calming myself down. I never get it after we argue and sometimes not for days till I come crawling back. I know it is ridiculous.

[TwentyViginti]

You don't love him - you have just become dependent on him. Break the chain.

[Sarahandduck18]

It’s unhealthy.

Leave before you end up pregnant and toes to him.

[Clementinewine]

I thought I did but it is becoming clear that he doesn't love me despite saying otherwise. He said he "loved me to bits" yesterday morning. Then ignoring and now still ignoring.

He is a decade older than me but he is a fragile child. I'm unstable and sometimes immature myself but at least I can recognise it and I am trying to get help/working on it.

My MH also provides him with a good excuse to deflect/blame me for everything.

[Shoxfordian]

It just doesn't seem to be working
Best to end things

[Bringmewineandcake]

@TwentyViginti

You don't love him - you have just become dependent on him. Break the chain.

This

[TheTeenageYears]

This is never going to get any better. If he hasn't in the decade he has on you recognised and at least tried to resolve issues he has he is never going to. Being uncomfortable for a bit because you live really close is preferable to re reading your post 5 years down the line and realising nothing has changed and you've wasted even more time on him. I tend to be a perseverance type person, don't walk away from situations lightly but sometimes you really do need to know when you are flogging a dead horse and quit while you are less behind than you could be.

[newnameforthis123]

Being in a drama filled relationship with poor communication is perilous for someone with MH issues (I've been there) and its only since being with my current partner that I've realised you can be (in my case) bipolar and in a healthy relationship.

With the right partner and right medication plus ongoing counselling and self care for YOU, you can have a calm, loving and steady relationship that is supportive but not codependent or dramatic.

I promise you it's possible. Love is patient and kind, it's a verb - you have to DO it. He isn't doing it. It doesn't sound like a healthy happy relationship.

If you aren't in one of those then your MH issues (I've also had an eating disorder in unhealthy relationship) it increases the risk of spiralling downwards as you use your vices (eg restricted eating in my case) as a means of having some control over a situation where you feel powerless and confused. This relationship won't make you feel better, it will make you feel worse.

Having a decent chunk of time being single and getting my head straight was the best thing I ever did, I would recommend it - counselling, self care etc are all better than the wrong partner

[Clementinewine]

I know, thank you. It's so hard, I have nobody to talk to really and it hurts so much knowing I can't actually rely on him to be there when I really need him to be and to step up after an argument.
He sent one message when I was upset saying it's ok, calm down, only after I had apologised. Then I said it seems you only care when I apologise and of course that was an incorrect thing to say because he went off on one again before I just said bye as I was too upset to continue, he took that as me ending it and then proceeded to ignore including ignoring my later phone calls.
I expect he won't bother to reply to my message this morning at all. And only yesterday saying he loved me to bits

[Clementinewine]

Thank you @newnameforthis123 I know you are right.

I know my eating is me attempting some form of control. Just feeling very upset today and have had to call in sick to work.

[Clementinewine]

I told him this morning that I had gotten a little drunk, I also feel he will be judging me for that as he always seems to judge people that drink a lot (I rarely do however) and of course though I don't know much about his past I know one of his ex's was an "alcoholic" who I guess he promptly gave up on because she was also too difficult or whatever. I am inferring a lot here. Just upset. Called in sick at work meanwhile he is at work probably not giving much of a shit about anything?