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Teenage son reduced me to tears in public, hand hold would be really appreciated..

(168 Posts)
Chaotic45 Sun 27-Sep-20 21:03:26

I know I'm in the wrong and over sensitive.

I was out this evening with DH and my 14yo son. He said he sometimes thinks about which of his friends parents he would be friends with if they were his age.

He listed a few adults we know who he thought he would be friends with, and then said he wouldn't be friends with me. I was instantly quite hurt, but kept it light and asked why- but he chose not to elaborate.

I absolutely know my job as parent is not to be DS' friend. I am his mum, and that's different. But I was surprised at how hurtful I found his comment.

I suddenly found I was overwhelmed with emotion, I have had to leave him and DH (his step dad) in a restaurant whilst I made my way back to our room (we are away for long weekend).

I'm mortified that I flounced, but I couldn't hold back the tears and didn't want to cause a scene.

I have pretty much bought DS up on my own. He sees his dad occasionally, and I do whatever I can to help him see his dad. But I've done all of the tough stuff practically, emotionally, financially and for school and clubs.

It hurt to hear him list parents who I know don't go out of their way for DC like I do. It's always me who picks him and his mates up and drops them to each other's houses and the park (pre lockdown) for example, and it's me who does all I can to put him first and give him a good life.

I've done all I can to give him a great childhood whilst trying not to spoil him. It's been so hard, and I thought I was doing ok.

I don't expect to be his mate, but I guess I also didn't expect him to say something so unkind.

We have taken a long weekend as a family as we have all been working non stop since March. I planned this with him in mind- so we've done lots of fun and exhilarating stuff which I've had to dig deep to find the guts to do. So maybe to hear this right now is extra hard.

We are sharing a hotel room, so I'm now trying to pull myself together, feeling embarrassed and wishing I hadn't let his words hurt so much.

My mum was a very over emotional parent, she was fragile, an alcoholic and had a terrible temper. I wanted to be so different, and to be a strong, reliable mum, and a rock for my son. So flouncing and getting so upset has taken me aback.

I just feel so hurt and I don't know what to do and I wish we were at home so we could be separate and give me time to pull myself together.

OP’s posts: |
FastAndCurious Sun 27-Sep-20 21:06:00

I think you’re entitled to feel hurt, and while I’m sure your son didn’t mean what he said and was probably just being antagonistic, it won’t do any harm for him to see that his words have an impact.

Be kind to yourself, you sound like a wonderful mum flowers

AutumnSummersBuffysCousin Sun 27-Sep-20 21:06:28

Oh you poor thing. But you know it is because you’ve been such a good mum don’t you? He can’t see you any other way, and that’s right.It won’t always be like this. Have a hot shower and turn on music so you can have a good cry, then let it go. flowers

Whiskas1Kittens Sun 27-Sep-20 21:07:09

I think he should know that you have become upset by this, and why.

PaulinePetrovaPosey Sun 27-Sep-20 21:07:29

You poor thing.

And I agree with PP - it's because you're his (wonderful) mum, and that's different to a friend.

thanks

jessstan2 Sun 27-Sep-20 21:08:14

He's fourteen and can only see you as his mum at the moment. It will change later. Kids often think other people's parents are more 'cool'. Put it behind you, I'm sure you're great.

Chaotic45 Sun 27-Sep-20 21:08:26

@FastAndCurious and @AutumnSummersBuffysCousin thank you so so much for being understanding and kind.

I thought I might get flamed for being thin skinned. I don't usually let stuff get to me, but this really did for some reason.

OP’s posts: |
AriettyHomily Sun 27-Sep-20 21:08:36

Isn't it normal for teenagers to lash out at those they feel closest too. I certainly did.

Beamur Sun 27-Sep-20 21:10:12

That was a mean thing to say.
I don't think it's unreasonable of you to show that your feelings have been hurt.

m0therofdragons Sun 27-Sep-20 21:11:22

You’re allowed to be hurt and it’s am important lesson for him too.

Dd announced tonight I’m not “mum” in her phone, I’m “birth giver”. It’s stupid but I was really hurt. Dd3 spoke to me like I was nothing tonight (I asked her to tidy her room) and then dd1 just sees me as the one who birthed her. I know in reality they love me but I couldn’t hide the hurt.

RandomMess Sun 27-Sep-20 21:13:36

I am peri menopausal.

I am generally thin skinned but currently I am so emotional and tearful about things and not able to push them away in the moment.

DC are so brutal at times, he totally takes your support for granted and thinks these aloof parents are cool rather than lazy/disengaged...

thanks

MsMarple Sun 27-Sep-20 21:14:17

It’s definitely not over emotional of you to be upset by this! But also I don’t suppose he ever imagined you would be hurt by it or meant to upset you - you are fixed as mum in his head, that’s all. Although he might not have meant to be unkind, if you or DH tell him why you are upset maybe he will think before he speaks in future.

Passmethecrisps Sun 27-Sep-20 21:15:32

His answer evinces that you are a great parent really.

He has picked imaginary people - the parents he thinks he knows will be different in the eyes of threat own children. Some child in your son’s group would choose you. Lots would probably choose you. The reality is teenagers might want lots of things but they need strength, courage in spades, compassion and unconditional love. Those are not necessarily your list of friendship attributes as a teenage lad.

I agree about having a hot shower and get some music on. If you feel up to it, go back down and join them.

Have you told him about your own mum? He is probably just old enough to hear your own story if you feel the need to explain your reaction.

FastAndCurious Sun 27-Sep-20 21:15:46

It is, and I could cry now thinking of some of the things I said to my incredible mum.

Teenagers are a strange breed, he could have been thoughtless, he could have been testing you and pushing for a reaction but I would be willing to bet that he will cringe at what he said in a few years time. You're his mum, he loves you flowers

LachlanRose Sun 27-Sep-20 21:17:25

I had to say something. My ( now adult) son said something along those lines a couple of times, a couple of times I felt he was embarrassed by me as well.... I was a young mum, a lot younger than this friends parents and it got to him I think.

He's an adult now and we are closer than I ever thought we would be. Your son is 14, and it's a difficult age, you've given him the confidence to speak his mind and know that you will still love him regardless. He's lucky to have you.

I would say something like "it hurt when you said you wouldn't be my friend, I would absolutely choose to be yours. I'm just lucky that I'm your mum and I've got you in my life regardless".

And it sounds like you've done a good job as a mother.

Mollscroll Sun 27-Sep-20 21:17:49

You sound fab. He was being a thoughtless teenager and it’s good for him to see you are a human with your own needs, not just his support human. flowers

ButteryPuffin Sun 27-Sep-20 21:18:48

You're not in the wrong. I would be hurt by that and would probably have done what you did. He's old enough to understand hurtful behaviour.

I would also want to say to him that what you do for him clearly gets taken for granted, and you'll be rethinking it in future (others will disagree on this point but hey ho). I would certainly be less free with lifts for him and his friends for a while and would be wanting to ask 'can't Cool Friend
Parent drive you instead?' You're probably nicer than me.

SoyUnaMujer Sun 27-Sep-20 21:20:09

It’s absolutely normal at his age to think his Mum is the most uncool person in the world. It is absolutely no reflection on your or your parenting. It’s something most teens go through, mine included. They do come out the other side of it though.

Rossaloony Sun 27-Sep-20 21:20:15

I am extremely thin skinned and am dreading my children reaching the teenage years.

thanks I can totally picture my teenage nephews saying something like this to my sister - they adore her, but they're teenagers, and teenagers are arseholes xxx

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 27-Sep-20 21:21:47

You don’t always have to be strong around your ds. It is ok to tell him when you’re hurt. The thing is right now, he could be friends with those less reliable parents because they’re a bit more cool and probably don’t always conform to what you see a parent should ideally be. You’ve brought him up well and one day, he will see what you have done for him and hold your values. Bottom line, tell your ds how you feel.

HollowTalk Sun 27-Sep-20 21:22:16

It is so cutting when they say something so cruel. I'd be tempted to get a separate room for the night and tell him why.

yellowmaoampinball Sun 27-Sep-20 21:22:46

I can see why you'd be hurt - kind of. But I really don't think he's done anything wrong. You are his mum, not his friend. And I don't think there's any criticism in saying you wouldn't have been friends if you were the same age. Funnily enough, me and my 15yo had this conversation, she asked me if I thought we'd have been friends if I were her age and I said I thought I'd have been friends with her but not sure she'd have felt the same about me! She's in to very different things to the stuff I was in to at that age.

40blah1 Sun 27-Sep-20 21:24:46

You sound like a lovely mum. He can’t see you as anything other than his mum, it sounds like; and also he trusts you so much he can say whatever he likes to you and knows you’ll still love him.

That and teenagers can be insensitive and unkind - sometimes without meaning to, sometimes on purpose, but they grow out of it. flowers

Ging7878 Sun 27-Sep-20 21:24:52

I would be really hurt and upset too. You sound like an amazing mum

eatsleepread Sun 27-Sep-20 21:27:21

You're only human and it's important he sees this.
You sound awesome and are not being unreasonable in feeling hurt.
thanks

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