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Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

(137 Posts)
Ithoughthiswasit Sun 27-Sep-20 06:34:19

My DP of 5 years refused to acknowledge my DD’s birthday in August and has stopped taking to her. She is hurt and tried to reach out to him but he has ignored her. She is 13 and has been a bit challenging recently ( ... hormones ... lockdown ... underlying anxiety) but is essentially a really lovely girl. She hasn’t done anything to him and when I talk about it with him he said he finds her ‘repulsive’ and ‘Princessy’ and resents her consumerism and how she treats me. Yes, she has been challenging, but from where I stand she needs support and love not being judged and ignored by the adults in life. This issue is coming between me and DP. For example I had to take a journey to clear some of my deceased mum’s belongings a few weeks ago. Because of his issue with DD he wouldn’t come round to see me the night before I travelled. In the past he has taken care of my children, my pets, the whole works but this time, nothing. Not even an offer. I broke down in tears on the phone and told him how hard I was finding the prospect of the trip and he did then hand-hold me through the whole journey on the phone. Since I returned we’ve been distant - I’ve been very ill, in self isolation following my trip, trying to take care of my two teenage DC. It’s been really tough. Last night we had a long chat. I told him that unless he sorts out this issue with DD I don’t see a future for us because it has left DD hurt and me feeling lonely and unsupported. Am I over reacting?

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Ithoughthiswasit Sun 27-Sep-20 06:35:46

Sorry that was longer than I meant. Thanks for reading if you made it through.

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chocolatespiders Sun 27-Sep-20 06:41:26

Yes I am sorry op it would be a dealbreaker for me.
As parents we take the rough with the smooth and as a partner of 5 years so should he. To not talk to your daughter is very immature and she needs to be your priority.
How did he respond to your chat?

Rainbowqueeen Sun 27-Sep-20 06:45:27

Yes it would be a dealbreaker for me

This could destroy your relationship with your DD. No man is worth that

LachlanRose Sun 27-Sep-20 06:46:12

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I have had a lot of teenagers in my life through children, neice's and nephews and through work and to be honest I've never heard of a thirteen year olds birthday being ignored by a significant person in their life. And I know some pretty dysfunction people. It was a rotten thing for him to do and she will always remember it.

It sounds like you have been through a hard time this year, I'm sorry to hear about your mum as well and to use your daughter as an excuse not to offer support was another low blow. Could he be looking for an excuse to fight or does he genuinely have an issue with your daughter?

I would probably have dumped him in August..... He really has shown some pretty nasty true colours imo. How has he been since your conversation last week?

mummyof2lou Sun 27-Sep-20 06:46:46

Yes this would be a dealbreaker for me. 13 is a difficult age, no parent expects it to be easy. Him in the middle like this could ruin your relationship with her. However you handle this, make sure she knows you're her priority. Don't choose him over her. It must be difficult for him too, if he thinks she's not fair to you at times, but he needs to remember he's the adult, and the teenage yesrs won't last. My stepdad had to watch my Mum navigate our teenage years. I know it was hard for him. Sometimes I'd row with my mum and he'd just quietly walk out to leave us to it, so not to interfere. Over 20 years on I have the best relationship with him.

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 27-Sep-20 06:48:13

Thank you for reading all that. The chat was last night and I left him to think about it so I am not sure how he will respond now. I spoke to him about it before a few weeks back and he did nothing then

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sparklefarts Sun 27-Sep-20 06:50:21

My DP of 5 years refused to acknowledge my DD’s birthday in August and has stopped taking to her. She is hurt and tried to reach out to him but he has ignored her.

Definitely a deal breaker, I'm really not sure I'd be giving I'm a chance to fix it either. The above is just so, so horrible.

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 27-Sep-20 06:52:24

The chat a few weeks back followed me cancelling him coming over for the evening because dd was upset because he was being odd with her. I knew she would end up hiding in her bedroom if he came over so I chose to spend the evening with her.

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Angelina82 Sun 27-Sep-20 06:53:26

Yes definitely a dealbreaker for me. Your DD is full of raging hormones to excuse her behaviour but your partner has nothing to excuse his petulance an immaturity. I’d be telling him to shape up or ship out.

RepeatSwan Sun 27-Sep-20 06:54:28

You can't parent your DD if your partner doesn't help. It isn't that he has to get along with her all the time - biological parents have disagreements all the time with their kids - but he can't make it worse by being unpleasant or unhelpful or immature.

Qwertywerty3 Sun 27-Sep-20 06:55:25

He called your daughter “repulsive”. That alone would be reason enough to leave him. What on earth did you say to him when he said that?!

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 27-Sep-20 06:55:54

That’s pretty much what I’ve done. I been sleepless wondering if I’m over reacting because I really adore him ... but my children come first.

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jelly79 Sun 27-Sep-20 06:57:22

Calling your child repulsive is enough. There would be nothing I could forgive from that point

orangejuicer Sun 27-Sep-20 06:58:18

I'm afraid he needs to go. It sounds like you'd both be better off in the long run even if it might hurt at first.

LachlanRose Sun 27-Sep-20 07:01:42

It sounds as though you are good at protecting your daughter. In your OP you ensured she wouldn't be critisised by anyone on here. It is hard bringing up teenagers and young adults with a person who is on the SAME side as you, and who loves the child as much as you do. It would be extremely stressful trying to bring up your daughter with this man beside you. Judging her and causing her hurt.

I think you have seen a side to him that you probably can't unsee, even if you wanted to. How many times have you ignored someone significants birthday in your life? I have, after going no contact. This person was very much an adult and had done a lot of truly horrible things but it was still difficult to ignore the birthday.

And calling your 13 year old repulsive..... Makes him pretty repulsive too.

movingonup20 Sun 27-Sep-20 07:01:46

Yes it sounds like a dealbreaker but you need to get to the bottom of your DD's behaviour, it sounds like she has been pretty horrible to him. Yes teens can be difficult but that's not an excuse for bad behaviour, if she's challenging do something about it. I would try and get help so you can help her be less challenging otherwise this will happen to another relationship. If the tables were turned, would a woman be encouraged here right stick around if her dp's kid was downright nasty to her?

FippertyGibbett Sun 27-Sep-20 07:06:48

Your children come first.
He just brings more conflict to your life so kick him out.

Cheesypea Sun 27-Sep-20 07:07:14

Your not overreacting at all op. Sounds like he doesn't live with you? Good. I'm sorry about your loss op, sounds like you really need the support this year and hes failed on all levelsflowers

MsKeats Sun 27-Sep-20 07:10:19

I would have done it back in august. That’s abuse.

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 27-Sep-20 07:11:35

She hasn’t been nasty to him, she really adores him. She has great friends and works hard at school. She can be lazy about tidying her bedroom and quite often leaves a sticky mess in the kitchen and talks back when I ask her to tidy up grin She already has counselling to help her cope with her fathers behaviour which is often inconsistent and I don’t want a man in my life making anything harder for her.

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Shoxfordian Sun 27-Sep-20 07:12:45

He sounds immature and unkind
Don't even give him a chance here, don't make your daughter spend time with an adult man who clearly dislikes her. Tell him it's over

SunshineCake Sun 27-Sep-20 07:12:53

My 17 year old dd has been really awful, more so than normal, this past week, has really upset me and I've been awake since five because of it, but if my dh said she was repulsive my love for him would immediately die. I think you should finish this relationship today. Put your dd first.

*@LachlanRose if you have any advice for me I would be so grateful, thank you.

VickySunshine Sun 27-Sep-20 07:16:59

It’s all a bit vague, exactly what caused such a reaction, doesn’t make sense. But I don’t think that matters now, your daughter is your priority and he must have understood that, irrespective. He seems to be distancing himself anyway. Strange though.

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 27-Sep-20 07:20:59

@SunshineCake they can be hard work, and so very insensitive. My DD’s have often had me in tears but mostly it is the relentlessness of being a single parent that wears me down. My 15yo was very feisty at 13. I view it as part of the necessary work for raising strong independent women.

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