Feeling unloved and undesirable

(14 Posts)
NNN20 Sun 27-Sep-20 01:36:31

I really hope I don't get moaned at for posting this here and not the sex topic but I've not been a member long enough.

My husband and I have been together since we were late teens, only ever slept together. Kissed other people but lost our virginities together. Even that took almost a year as he'd lose his erection right before sex. I put it down to performance anxiety at the time but given how things are now I'm not so sure that was it. We have 2 children aged 6 and 12.

The last few years our sex life has taken a massive hit. We had sex 7 times last year, this year it's 3 so far. It was never all the time but we would usually average twice a month minimum.

It's mostly my husband and it's extended beyond the bedroom and it's very quickly eroding my self esteem and confidence.

He won't hold my hand in public; won't kiss me outside the bedroom; never tells me I look nice.

When we go to bed he will happily look at his phone for hours but if I even as much reach out to hold his hand he flinches or pushes me away and tells me to stop pestering him.

I tried to talk to him about the state of things last year, he just said he doesn't want sex that much. I asked him if he wanted to do anything new or different to spice it up but he said no. When we do have sex it's very much the same each time. He will just roll over in bed, kiss me, quickly go down on me then missionary position. After sex he will rush and brush his teeth then have a shower. This makes me feel so dirty; I know I'm not as I shower twice a day and am hair free.

I caught him wanking in the shower the other day. I had a chat and he said he needed a release but if that's the case why doesn't he want me?! I don't have an issue with the wanking as I know people do, I'd understand it more though if I was refusing sex but I'm not, very much the opposite, I'd love and want a decent session.

He got really cross I bought a bullet vibrator but I have wants (needs?!) he's not satisfying and didn't see anything wrong with it.

It's got to the point I've cried myself to sleep at night feeling disgusting, undesirable and unloved. I feel no man would find me attractive now or want to have sex with me. There must be something wrong for my husband to refuse me like this.

Is there anything I can do to fix this or is it beyond the point of that?


OP’s posts: |
MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 27-Sep-20 01:47:22

Is there anything I can do to fix this or is it beyond the point of that?

This sounds soul destroying. If he still feels the need for a sexual release but won’t do it with you, what makes him think he can stop you using the bullet? He sounds selfish and uncommunicative - I couldn’t stay with someone like that.

FWIW I’m several stone overweight, never shave downstairs, and spend half my life in PJs, but my DP still makes me feel sexy and attractive. And while we may both sort ourselves out when we’re not together, we’d rather do it together even after 8 years.

You’re too young to settle for a sexless marriage and for someone to make you feel unwanted and unattractive. He’s obviously always had issues, but if he hasn’t addressed it for this long, he clearly doesn’t care enough about your sex life to do anything about it.

NNN20 Sun 27-Sep-20 01:54:19

@MarkRuffaloCrumble I too am several stone overweight as is he. I've had other people say I took pretty but then they don't see me naked, it's truly a gross thing to see. I can see why he doesn't want it with me, though whether I feel like that because of the constant rejection or because that's how I actually feel I don't know.

I only posted tonight as I got rejected again. I'm so sad I could cry. I know it's not all about sex but it's at the point we could just be housemates

OP’s posts: |
widespreadpanic Sun 27-Sep-20 02:42:56

I act just like your dh when I start losing attraction for my partner. I’m not affectionate, I don’t want them to touch me, no hand holding or compliments so I definitely don’t want sex.

Are there other issues in the relationship? I feel as something has set him off and he’s avoiding you. You should try and have a conversation with him. Possibly even couples counseling as well.

NNN20 Sun 27-Sep-20 14:48:40

@widespreadpanic to be honest we've had problems for years. We go through spells of getting on fine (but still no sex), then spells of rowing all the time and the atmosphere is hideous. He said the other day when the kids are grown up and left home he won't be putting up with this anymore sad

OP’s posts: |
Rgy3250999 Sun 27-Sep-20 16:23:00

NNN20, I think that is your answer. If you’re planning on leaving someone, clearly you won’t want to have sex with them. He’s still going to have needs but doesn’t want to be intimate with you anymore.

Have you asked specifically why he wants to leave? I think it sounds like you’re both at odds with each other and quite miserable. Either you talk and can find a way to fix it (maybe with counselling) or you’d be better off splitting and both being happy x

widespreadpanic Sun 27-Sep-20 20:09:58

I’m sorry, he seems mean and hateful. He’s obviously over the marriage now and is only there for the kids.

You have the choice of either staying as well and accepting the status quo or leaving and finding happiness without him. But i doubt this will get better.


Maze76 Mon 28-Sep-20 00:47:37

There is absolutely nothing wrong you OP. This is an issue your husband has and he’s projecting onto you. It’s understandable that you will row when you constantly get rejected. I’m guessing he says that he’s had enough of the relationship during the heat of these rows? Clearly there is an issue but I wouldn’t necessarily think it’s him checking out or planning to leave. If that were the case, why the reaction to you having a bullet? Men can go off sex, and there are so many reasons why, psychological and physical. My husband has a bulging disc in his back which affects his libido, it also knocks his confidence. Some men avoid tackling such issues and instead lash out at their partners. I’m not saying this is the case with your hubs, just that not everything is black and white. I would , for a period of time say a month, avoid talking about sex with him. See what happens with your relationship when you remove sex from your conversations.

Anordinarymum Mon 28-Sep-20 01:02:37

OP Do you want to lose weight? If so, lose it for yourself and for nobody else.

It must be soul destroying being trapped in a relationship that brings no joy, but only you can change things for the better.

Maybe you should stop concentrating on the negatives and bring some positives into your life. It's not easy but once you decide to do something and make a start you will feel better about your self and gain some confidence.

I have started the 'Couch to 5K' exercise plan. It's not hard and you feel great afterwards. You can find it online.

Think about it ?

eausolovely Mon 28-Sep-20 03:22:48

Couldn’t leave without replying, just want to give you a big virtual hug! I’m really not sure I can offer anything helpful here but what I will say is that it’s seems like he’s maybe uncomfortable in himself? When I gained weight a few years ago it made me really not want my partner to touch me as I was quite ashamed of how I looked. Now it didn’t stop him as he was still attracted to me but it took me a while to realise it didn’t matter that I had gained weight he still fancied me and wanted to have sex. Maybe he’s kinda taking it out on you but it sounds like you have tried to open up the conversation and he wasn’t very receptive.

Hope you can sort things out or move past this but just wanted to say that you still deserve to be adored and you deserve to have a great sex life 💕💕💕

Livandme Mon 28-Sep-20 06:22:49

I have been in a similar situation and it's truly heartbreaking. I decided I couldn't carry on like that and we separated over a few issues but this was one.
I'm not with anyone else but I do feel better about myself.
I cried myself to sleep so many times thinking I was worthless and unloved but maybe your relationship has just run its course. You have dc together and talking about not being together when they are older sounds like your H has checked out of the relationship and is just using you for motherhood.

Takingontheworld Mon 28-Sep-20 06:28:58

His words and his actions say it all. Don't waste years being treated like this just so he can fuck off when he eventually sees fit. He's not in this for long term. .
You don't have to allow him to do this. Show your kids how you deserve better.

There's no saving this because he doesn't want to save it.

AskMeOnce Mon 28-Sep-20 17:10:02

It sounds like he's completely checked out if the marriage, and us just biding his time until he can leave (or until something or someone comes along that will provide him with the incentive he needs to leave)

Please don't waste the best years of your life feeling unloved until he finally walks out in you anyway.

You need to either get some marriage counselling, get him to engage and make an effort to repair things.


Leave him.

Please know you do not deserve to feel like this, you deserve to feel sexy and desired and adored (size has nothing to do with this)

5pForAPlasticBag Tue 29-Sep-20 09:00:23

You can channel your energy into self-pity and wind up further down the spiral you’re on or you can channel it into making positive changes to your life. You can’t control what he does but you can control what you do. You say that you are several stone overweight, so do something about that. Success breeds success and you don’t need his affection to achieve success in that area. The worst that can happen is that you lose weight, feel better about yourself and your husband still doesn’t change. Then you take the next step.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in