We nearly split over a year ago, at my instigation because I felt so emotionally neglected (abused?). We did counselling and things got better. But then even though stuff was better I couldn't shift the feeling of being unhappy. We nearly split again, just before lockdown. Then over lockdown we got on well, weirdly. We became more of a team with the dc, he was fantastically supportive when my mental health became bad. He possibly has ASD and has really made an effort to communicate with me better.
But, but, but... The feelings come back every so often still. A bit of it is the 'ick' stuff where he just irritates me and I know that we are such different people. Parenting, marriage is all made harder by us having such different outlooks and experiences. But nothing is awful, we get on, we laugh, it's all fine. But I don't particularly feel like sex with him, and honestly it's never been that great.
Here's the worst bit. When I first said I wanted to split I had an exit affair, well 3 encounters with someone. I know that so much of it was about wanting to feel wanted, and escaping the dullness of life (2 dc, primary age, one has SEND). I've stayed in touch with this man, although only in a friendly way. I've also had therapy and been examining sexual relationships I had with women when younger.
What I do know from therapy and everything that if we didn't have the dc, I would not still be with dh (we had dc within first year of marriage, got married quickly as well). But then friends say there is something to be said for boring and safe and loving. Dh loves me and I do love him, only not in the same way. Affair man is entirely unsuitable/impractical and I know what a bitch I am for doing that. It doesn't make it OK, but some of the ways dh has treated me in the past definitely were emotional abuse
Fuck what a mess I've made of my life and now dh and dc life. I don't want to break up our family. I would if things were still like they were. But the if get the feeling that dh does a lot of stuff now in order to keep me,rather than it being how you treat someone. And I want good sex. I'm 38, I'm not ready to give up in good sex.
So tell me what a bitch I am and I don't have real problems, might be a good slap in the face I need.
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If we didn't have dc I wouldn't still be with dh. But it's not bad enough to split
BreathlessCommotion · 26/09/2020 19:27
The things you describe in your marriage have been so minimised in your opening post, it's scary. 
It's no wonder you don't really feel like sex with him, when he has been abusive sexually towards you.
You thinking you should be able to erase that past because he's now acting decently, is very unrealistic. And acting is the operative word - you don't really believe in him, you said yourself that you "get the feeling that dh does a lot of stuff now in order to keep me,rather than it being how you treat someone."
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