My mother is a narcissist, there is no doubt about that. The loving mother that I wished for - she was exactly that to my siblings. She chose to emotionally abuse me and make me the black sheep. I spent my entire childhood desperate for her approval. I was such an anxious, withdrawn and troubled child.
She completely destroyed my self worth and I believed for such a long time that I was worthless. Her manipulation tactic for attention was always inventing some illness. She is always deathly ill with something unless it doesnt suit her.
Today I am a much stronger person but there are times like right now where I feel back to square one. I have been for counselling, therapy etc.
She has from the start of covid, had a permanent sore throat. She has been for a few covid tests, checked herself into hospital etc and all back negative. Yet this is now what she is using for attention. I'm so sick of it.
The last time I contacted her she was in hospital, and she let me know how all my siblings have rushed to her side because they are so worried about her. A dig at me of course. The rage I feel at this. She took away my childhood with this nonsense.
I am still trying to cope with a loss of my child at late pregnancy recently.
I just want this woman to leave me alone. I know that me not contacting her when she is so 'ill' is going to come back at me, there will be some backlash.
And then there are still my siblings, they are all a little gang against me.
I just dont know how to cope with all this. Will I be forgiven for not caring about her? Am I a heartless bad person? Feeling so broken down right now
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Am I a bad person for this?
AnxMummy10 · 26/09/2020 13:49
You arent a bad person.
Like you, my mother was a very different mother to me than she was to my siblings, who still dote on her.
I have went no contact with the lot of them.
Initially it was difficult, but years later my life is so much easier.
You have enough to cope with, and I am so sorry that you have been through such a tragic loss, you need to surround yourself with people who will help and support you, not drag you down 
Why would you show compassion and care for someone who has shown you none? Your lack of feeling towards her is her own doing.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Would you find therapy helpful? It could allow to to let go of the guilt 
You are not a bad person at all, you should be free to enjoy your life without her negative influence. I would suggest keeping a note of some examples of her behaviour towards you as a reminder for yourself in future. You can then refer to this if other family members question your lack of contact or defend your mother's actions. I found it was easy to forget how awful my mum used to make me feel. My younger sister went no contact at the same time so that made it easier, I found some family members repeatedly questioned our decision and some believed what my mum said about us but it didn't take long for them to lose interest and get used to it. Good luck
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